Young Writers Society

Author's note: This is my first time here, so it's nice to meet everyone. I write in my spare time (and by spare time I mean when I should be doing things like homework) and have been sharing my scribbling with friends and family, and now with all of you. I copied and pasted this straight out of Word so there's no formatting (not even indentions copied over) so just bare with me. Thanks, and feedback is encouraged.

-Yours Truly
RebellionLies



Untitled

"The world is very different now. For man holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish all forms of human poverty, and all forms of human life." –John F. Kennedy

I had awakened that morning to something strange, but at the same time, so familiar. I woke up to the Sun. For the first time in many years I had awakened to daylight, sleeping effortlessly through the night without the sporadic crackling of gunfire or the intimidating explosions of artillery shells in the distance. For the first time in years I had not been awakened in the dead of night with a single whisper in my ear: ‘Run.’ I looked out to see the Sun flood its light upon the war-torn city with renewed hope, offering a reassuring comfort for the future. And by my side: My love, Emma.
It all began after the collapse of the American superpower. The Throne of the World was open for the first time in centuries, and what became known as the Second Cold War traumatized the globe. A militant arms race sent aspiring nations to harness the relatively new technology of robotic warfare. America, fueled with desire to regain power, was quick to lead the race. China, in the shadows of global politics for decades, surprised everyone when they had announced their plans for an investment in robotic warfare.
It had all happened so quickly, none of us saw it coming. Or maybe we did, but we were all too afraid to recognize it. I was almost out of college, on the border of adolescence, readying to begin a new life, a life of my own. The life I found, though, was not what I had expected.
“Jaaaamesss…” My dorm mate taunted, “James, wake-up.”
I looked up through blurry vision to see William’s kind face hovering over my own. I pulled the covers over my head and stubbornly turned away on to my side.
“Oh, and James, I don’t suppose that little robot was very important to you? Was it? I kinda tripped and broke it.”
With one arm I flung the blanket off my body, effectively smacking Will on the face. I turned to face the robot I had built and saw it was unscathed.
Will chuckled, lightly rubbing the area on his cheek where I had hit him. “I’m sorry man, I was just kidding.”
I sat up on the edge of my bed, rubbing my weary eyes. “Don’t even kid about that, you know how hard I worked on that thing.”
The robot I had built was for my Advanced Engineering course I was taking. The little, white robot was the product of countless insomnia driven nights. Named Ares, it was about two feet tall and could walk around on its own without bumping into anything.
“What would you do without me?” Will asked.
“I wouldn’t go to class.” I must have forgotten to set my alarm clock.
“Well come on, get up. Class starts soon.”
William Hartlock was always good to me, we met freshman year in college as dorm mates. I was reluctant to even choose to live with someone when going into college. I was lucky to decide for it in the end.
College was good times for me, and it was depressing to think that this was my last semester of classes. I spoke with my professor before leaving for the day.
“You’re a brilliant student, James Pollock. Have you thought about what you’re going to do once you graduate?”
“I don’t think too much about my future. Of course, I’ll get a decent job with my engineering degree, and go through with all the formalities, but I haven’t planned too much for it.”
The truth was I was vaguely scared of the future. I enjoyed life as a student, it was routine and comfortable. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had more to be scared about. Tensions were continuing to rise on the global political stage. At about this time the Chinese were mass producing their robotic infantry, and the US was becoming fearful, our machines were only still developing. Yet, all that seemed so far away from the safe, warm center that was college life. None of us were even interested with keeping up with the world that was revolving around our campus walls.
At the end of the day I decided to go for a walk around campus. It was a cool October afternoon, and the leaves had just begun to change. I told myself I was going out because the weather was nice, and yet I secretly knew the real reason; I was hoping to see Emma. I met Emma one afternoon on the activity field and quickly became infatuated. I could often find her in the same spot playing her viola or speaking with friends. I was lucky today; I caught her alone sitting under the shade of an oak tree. She was leaning on the trunk of the oak drawing on a pad of paper that rested on a propped up knee. She had dark brown hair, ending just above her shoulder blades. Her figure was magnificent, a slender frame with long, smooth legs. Her eyes were two deep blue pools of endless sympathy. I decided to wait before approaching her. Her eloquence was enchanting; completely calm and focused on her drawing. Watching her gave an aura of equanimity, and for a moment nothing else existed.
She glanced away from her work for a moment and noticed me; her face lit up. “James!” she said delighted.
“Hey!” I answered. She hopped up and gave me a hug.
“Come on, sit down with me.” She insisted.
“Of course.” I said, complying.
I studied the paper that was now on the ground in front of our feet; it was a penciled scene of decaying nature: A bubbling pond surrounded by corpses of animals and withered trees, the sky above was filled with ominous clouds that hid the Sun. What was once a beautiful place was now corroded due to man, she told me. She was an art major.
I asked if she were an environmentalist.
“No,” She answered, pondering for a second, “maybe just morbid.”
I diverted my attention from the drawing to Emma. She smiled as our eyes met. I could hear the light melody of music repeating around us. “What are you doing on Saturday?” She asked.
I told her I wasn’t doing anything this Saturday.
“Great! ‘Cause I was kind of wondering if you would like to go to this dance with me…it’s supposed to be somewhat of a ball.”
“I’d love to go with you.” I had to hide my excitement.
She quickly looked down, flattered. “It’s at the Student Center at seven. I’ll see you there.”
“Definitely.” I said as we exchanged our good-byes.
I went back to the dorm and found Will reading a book on his recliner as I entered our messy home. He smiled as I came in and asked “Where’ve you been?”
“I just went for a walk around the park.” I replied innocently.
His smile progressed into a grin. “You saw her again, didn’t you?”
I broke eye contact and unsuccessfully tried to conceal a smile.
“You did!” He exclaimed, confirming his own suspicions.
“Yeah, I did.”
“So did anything happen between you two?”
“Well, she asked me to go to a ball with her.”
“Really, that’s great!” He said while jumping out of his chair to congratulate me.
I laughed to myself. “You’re almost more exited about this than I am.”
“A friend’s fortune is a blessing.” He recited optimistically.
“So, how’ve you been?” I said, shifting the conversation.
“Pretty swell, I’ve just been catching up on some reading I never get around to during the semesters.”
“How were they, the books I mean?”
“The last one I just finished had a pretty sad ending.” He said lamely.
“What ever happened to ‘happily ever after’?”
“The world needs its villains.” He answered.
“You mean ‘The world needs its heroes’.”
“No, the world needs its villains. We all need something to fear. Without something below us to be scared of, there can’t be anyone above us to give us hope. We need hope, we need that light to guide us towards what’s right.”
That night I went to bed thinking about what Will had said, about Heroes and Villains. Good and Evil. I wondered what my place in all of it was, if I were just another person looking up. Just another bystander lost in the background of the comic book panel. I wondered if the opportunity would ever present itself for me to be able to become the light to guide others, and I wondered what I would in that situation. I finally fell asleep with unanswered questions still preoccupying my mind.
I awoke the next morning earlier than expected, yet still rested. The clock next to my bed read eight-thirty in ominous red numbers. The first thing that came to my mind was my ball with Emma. It was Friday, the dance was tomorrow. I figured I’d hang out with Will for the day.
I met up with Will in our kitchen; we exchanged our good-mornings and quickly decided to head out. I’ll drive.
We climbed into my yellow mini-van, nicknamed The Yellow Submarine in homage to The Beatles. Shortly after we were on the road Will asked what we were planning on doing. It always worked out like this; we never fully thought things through, always deciding upon what was available right in front of us, then going from there. I answered that I wasn’t so sure myself. After pondering his own question, Will offered to go rock climbing at the gym. I thought the idea sounded great, I orientated myself then headed the car there. It wasn’t far off.
Will pulled my CD case from the back seat and thumbed through the cloth pages, producing a pink and white Modest Mouse album that I was so fond of. He put the CD into the car’s stereo and music started to flow from the speakers.
“So you have that date tomorrow.” Will said.
“It’s not a date.” I replied.
“What do you mean? She asked you to a dance, she obviously likes you.”
“I suppose.”
“You suppose.” He imitated sarcastically. “Come on.”
“Alright, it is a date.”
“So, is she nice?” He finally said satisfied. “Her name’s Emma, right?”
“Yeah, I just love being around her, I get anxious with anticipation of seeing her after class. We just get along so naturally…” I said, trailing off.
“That’s good. I hope you two are happy for a long time.”
The chorus of the Modest Mouse song came through the speakers as it started to come to a close:

And we'll all float on all right
Already we'll all float on all right
Don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy
We'll all float on all right

We spent the afternoon climbing then met a few friends at a bar before going back to the dorm. When we got home that evening we chose not to listen to the things we didn’t want to hear: How our country was making final peace attempts to dodge an all out war with the Chinese, how we should actually be preparing to evacuate soon, how I might have to say good-bye to the ones I love.
And I slept that night with blissful thoughts of what was to come the next day.
Waking up the next morning meant I could only think about Emma. It was raining and gray that morning, and the weather report told us it was going to last through the whole weekend. I didn’t let it bother me.
I asked Will if he wanted to tag along with me to the ball. We both knew my focus would be on Emma for the whole evening, but he didn’t have anything better to do that night and he could still have fun with others that would be there. Will and I rented cliché-style tuxedoes before heading to the Student Center in the Yellow Submarine across campus, parking as close as we can to avoid the rain.
Entering the dance hall was like having your past washed away, and waking up anew, into a world where nothing else mattered, or even existed. The lights were golden as they shined onto the endless wooden floors where people cordially took to one another as the lost themselves to the sweet melodies of timeless musicians.
My trance broke only to be enticed by another: Emma. I looked at her looking at me, both of us, just for a point in time, were perfectly aligned.
As I walked towards her, I was suddenly a school-boy-with-a-crush again. Her aura once again took over me and I simply let it all in.
I held out my hand. “Dance with me.” I said in just a whisper.
And life was like a dream during that first dance with the one I so hopefully wanted to be with. As Emma and I created beautiful movements to the flowing ballroom music, I was in bliss. And locked in that moment that I wished would last the end of our lives, I suddenly found myself on the ground—ears ringing and heart pounding—recoiling from a blast that came from the main doors of the Student Center. When I looked up, I saw a dozen white robots accompanied by a fleet of Chinese soldiers.

^_^ Hello! I'm Hannah! I saw this piece and decided to give you a little review of it. C: Welcome to YWS, by the way!

After reading it through once, I have a few over all comments. First of all, the language is pretty choppy. I'll pick out a few sections to show you what I mean, but it's pretty constant throughout. I would recommend that you should try combining sentences to kind of vary the lengths so it doesn't always feel like we're reading the same kind of sentence over and over. Also, I felt the dialogue was pretty forced. >_<; I'm no expert on it myself, but try listening to how you speak with your friends and relate that to how your characters might talk in your story! Anyways, let's get down to more specific comments. C:

I was reluctant to even choose to live with someone when going into college. I was lucky to decide for it in the end.

The way you phrased that second sentence is rather vague. Using 'for it', you can kind of tell what you mean, but I think you should rework it, combine it with the previous sentence, and maybe say something like you were lucky to 'give in' eventually?

None of us were even interested with keeping up with the world that was revolving around our campus walls.

Huh, that's kind of weird. Does he really think the world revolves around the campus? =] Maybe the town, unless he doesn't go out into the town? xD Just the campus seems a little unrealistic, though I can see what you're going for!

She was leaning on the trunk of the oak drawing on a pad of paper that rested on a propped up knee. She had dark brown hair, ending just above her shoulder blades. Her figure was magnificent, a slender frame with long, smooth legs. Her eyes were two deep blue pools of endless sympathy. I decided to wait before approaching her. Her eloquence was enchanting; completely calm and focused on her drawing.

First; The first sentence has way too many 'on' phrases -- please rework it? C:
Second; The way that you describe Emma is way too choppy. Try to work in the physical details about her while describing how James feels about her, like saying 'I loved the way her deep blue eyes lit up when she said my name' or something like that.
Third; I'm not entirely sure you can use 'eloquence' to describe a position/attitude. I think you might have meant 'elegance'?

“James!” she said delighted.

Please put a comma between said and delighted.

“Come on, sit down with me.” She insisted.

“Of course.” I said, complying.

You need to go through the whole piece and remember that you use commas with dialogue unless there's a necessary exclamation point/question mark! You also don't capitalize the dialogue tag {the part of the sentence that relates to the dialogue}, because it's all part of one sentence. Well, if the dialogue tag came at the beginning of the sentence, you'd capitalize it, but {for example here} most of the time you don't need to. C:

She was an art major.

I asked if she were an environmentalist.

Keep the tenses the same. Obviously you should ask if she 'was' an environmentalist.

“I’d love to go with you.” I had to hide my excitement.

She quickly looked down, flattered. “It’s at the Student Center at seven. I’ll see you there.”

>_< I really don't feel the emotion at all here. The speech is very choppy and forced, and I think you could spend a bit more time describing how James feels in reaction to the events that are occurring. Also, since you're writing most of it from his point of view, how would he know that Emma was flattered? You could say she seemed flattered or something, but yeahhh. xD

“Really, that’s great!” He said while jumping out of his chair to congratulate me.

Did you mean: 'Really? That's great!' ? Seems like that would make more sense.

“The last one I just finished had a pretty sad ending.” He said lamely.

Here, make sure to fix up the punctuation and capitalization, but also... I don't know how someone can say something lamely? >_< Try to describe it in a different way to get the effect you wanted.

I wondered if the opportunity would ever present itself for me to be able to become the light to guide others, and I wondered what I would in that situation. I finally fell asleep with unanswered questions still preoccupying my mind.

First, he 'wondered what I would do in that situation'. You missed a word, I think. Secondly, if something is preoccupying you, it refers to another kind of situation that's trying to take your attention other than that first thing. Since James is just trying to sleep, I don't know that 'preoccupying' is the right word to use here. ^_^

I thought the idea sounded great, I orientated myself then headed the car there.

Eeeh, 'orientated' sounds awkward! Try just saying he headed there. I mean, he'd be paying /some/ attention to where they'd driven, so I don't think he'd be lost or anything. xP

“That’s good. I hope you two are happy for a long time.”

That's so weird! They aren't even going out yet? Why would he speak like they were?

And we'll all float on all right

Already we'll all float on all right

Don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy

We'll all float on all right

Make sure all of this section is italicized! ^_^

My trance broke only to be enticed by another: Emma.

Another trance? Clarify what 'another' is referring to.

Her aura once again took over me and I simply let it all in.

o_O; Ehhh, this is a really awkward sentence. How might her aura take him over? What was he letting in? <_<

And life was like a dream during that first dance with the one I so hopefully wanted to be with. As Emma and I created beautiful movements to the flowing ballroom music, I was in bliss. And locked in that moment that I wished would last the end of our lives,

>_< Firstly, do you really 'hopefully want'? That's kind of saying that you don't know if you want, but you hope you want? 'Created beautiful movements' is also kind of a weird phrase. Just say they danced! xD Hehehe. Then, you'll need to make 'I was in bliss' it's own sentence or use a double dash instead of a comma, because otherwise that's a comma splice. xD Hmm. And I think you missed 'to' in the last sentence? 'To the end of our lives'?

When I looked up, I saw a dozen white robots accompanied by a fleet of Chinese soldiers.

This is a powerful ending! -thumbs up-

Over all, it's pretty good. C: Good work, and keep cleaning it up! ^_^

-Hannah-

I thought it was wonderful, the useage of tiny and seemingly random details like emma's viola and the name of the robot make it warmer than your average science-fiction, i hope mine, dark as it is can acheive similar human warmth.

ARCAUS

I read the previuos reveiw and am a little shocked, perhaps they are being too harsh, for one the part where Emma acepts to go on the date, you say that the speech is choppy, lacking emotion, but in everyday conversation we don't find outselves pouring our hearts our on every sentance, it also makes it AKWARD, the ultimate tool for creating realistic and not styleised conversation. Which is unfortunatly rampant in most works of writing, also he has created a atmotsphere in wich we already FEEL the emtion and the conversation is mere plot information. Keep it up.

ARCAUS

Arcaus--the point of putting up work to be critiqued is just that--to be critiqued. I completely agree with Hannah. There are minor technical flaws in this piece, and the speech is part of it. Expecting everyone to be all, "wow, great job," is unrealistic. I, for one, prefer when there are more corrections. It's all about improvement.

Rebellion Lies--Hannah has most of the specific corrections I would have made already listed. This story sounds interesting, so keep working on it. One comment I have is that I felt like things were moving around too quickly. One second we're in his dorm room, the next he's talking to a teacher, then Hannah, then it's the next day...this may just be me, but I prefer when there's some little paragraph signifying that time is passing, etc. It just seems like everything moved way too fast.

Next, (and this is a completely personal preference) I don't like how you described Emma's eyes as "two deep pools of endless sympathy". In my opinion, it's too cliched and cheesy. In real life I would never describe someone's eyes as deep pools of endless sympathy. Remember, if you wouldn't say it, your characters probably wouldn't either, unless they're major cheeseballs.

Also, it seemed like your tenses were switching around, from present to past. Just proofread and you'll be able to catch most of those mistakes.

Overall, this piece has a ton of potential and I'll be looking out for the next chapter. There aren't many sci-fi pieces that intrigue me, but you did a nice job with this one, so congratulate yourself on that!

--Cassie

Well i just assumed that a review had to contain some sort of positive spin on it at some point or another...you know, to stop the writer from thinking his work is bad and never posting anything ever again, you wouldn't want that.....right? and besides i think he needed a little positive reinforcement considering the hiding that he was given earlier, the mistakes she found were almost as long as the peice, so i thought mabye another would put him down ever more, if thats possible.

No, no, Arcaus, I totally understand where you're coming from. However, if you take a look, what Hannah corrects is mostly grammar mistakes. She compliments the idea of the story and does point out things that struck her as good. No one should be discouraged by grammar mistakes...if you were writing an essay for a class, for example, wouldn't you want people to mark it all up in red pen where you forgot to put commas and stuff? That way the final product turns out amazing.

There is this guy in my English class and he writes mind-blowing essays. The ideas are deep and well-thought. However, he's not a very good speller and he always has at least two people go through his essay and correct if before he turns it in. Believe me, I correct a lot of misspellings as well as grammar mistakes. What we do when we correct things is not to discourage, it's to improve.

And, I repeat, both mine and Hannah's reviews did have positive spins on them. I understand the point that you're conveying, but remember that constructive criticism is never intended to be discouraging and no one should ever be discouraged by it. And, rebellionlies, if you found my comment discouraging, I apologize immensely! On a positive note, after I logged off YWS last night I was still thinking about your story (a good thing!). Keep writing and I'll be sure to come back to this story. PM me when you post new chapters!

-Cassie

Hmm... I agree with Cassie with the how fast the story seemed to transition around so fast. I found myself always wondering what was going on, but on the whole. They idea of this is pretty awesome. I will be watching out for more whenever you get around to it. Hannah already got all of the grammatical errors and missing words that I caught. And along with what Cassie was saying, don't ever be discouraged and this is just in the case that you were discouraged. All the reviewers here are to give encouragement and to help you make your writing better. Keep up the writing!

@ Everyone: Sorry for the slight delay at getting back to you guys, I had a few things going on. The critique is appreciated, you guys didn't totally bash my writing, just grammatical errors and some advice for improvement on writing style. Thanks.

@ Cassie17: Thanks, I didn't realize how completely corny and cliche that was until you pointed it out.

@ Hannah: I agree with Cassie17, you weren't telling me that my piece was horrible, just things that need editing, thanks for the help.

@ EpicHumiliation and Cassie17: I know, length and pacing is something I know I really need to work on. I get my ideas down, but it seems that that is all I manage to convey. I'll go back and try to stretch out each scene as necessary.

@ Arcaus: I appreciate what you're saying, giving me encouagment and a positive review, but everyone here enjoyed the piece overall and were only commenting on areas that need improvement.

--Thanks Everyone!
RebellionLies

I was reluctant to even choose to live with someone when going into college. I was lucky to decide for it in the end.

The way you phrased that second sentence is rather vague. Using 'for it', you can kind of tell what you mean, but I think you should rework it, combine it with the previous sentence, and maybe say something like you were lucky to 'give in' eventually?

Oh, and one more thing, this is purposely ambiguous, and I'm not going to say more than that.

Also...

“Come on, sit down with me.” She insisted.

“Of course.” I said, complying.

You need to go through the whole piece and remember that you use commas with dialogue unless there's a necessary exclamation point/question mark! You also don't capitalize the dialogue tag {the part of the sentence that relates to the dialogue}, because it's all part of one sentence. Well, if the dialogue tag came at the beginning of the sentence, you'd capitalize it, but {for example here} most of the time you don't need to. C:

Microsoft Word automatically capitalizes the dialogue tags as I write it. Regardless, I'll fix that and try to figure out how to stop Microsoft's sadistic reign of capitalization .

Hi, Rebellionlies! I'm back again...I've taken a special liking to you.

I can fix your capitalization-after-speech thing. What the problem is is that you're using a period to end your dialogues. Example:

"Come on, sit down with me." She insisted.

Proper grammar would look like this:

"Come on, sit down with me," she insisted.

A comma before the ending quotation mark should be used if you are following it by 'she said' or 'he said' or 'Emma shouted', etc.

Happy writing!

-Cassie

Hi, Rebellionlies! I'm back again...I've taken a special liking to you.

That just made me completely happy for some reason.

And about the whole dialouge thing, I've managed to never learn that in a lit class. I guess I've never had a class where I've learned about writing stories. It's all just about writing essays in school, where I am at least. So, thanks Cassie!

I like what you built in the first chapter, you set a perfect kind of introductory scene which was just begging to be destroyed. You've introduced your main character quite nicely, though, I don't feel myself quite involved yet. You've got some nice description going for oyu and some entertaining side characters. I'm quite excited to see where James' relationship with Emma goes, and if his relationship with Will will withstand whatever is to come.

I feel you captured the scene you were trying to portray quite nicely, though, I felt like there could've been more put into the dance, as it seems like a real moment for James. The ending has me hooked, actually. It was enough to keep me wanting me as it was the first real piece of drama in the story as everything seems to be going smoothly for him.

I think the whole thing lacked a little drama, besides the end. I mean, I know it's chapter one, but it was quite hard to keep my attention at the start really. There was nothing to keep he hooked until the very end, so you might want to look at something to grip the reader. Something as simple as teasing your reader with something to come, like a little passage about the robots before we're introduced to James.

I hope you pick this up with a second chapter, because I think it has some legs.

Oh boy, it seems like I'm hopelessly late. Sorry it took me so long to get around to his, I've been a bit busy lately.

First off, I don't normally read science fiction, so I'm not sure if half of the errors I'm coming up with are genera specific or not, it could easily be either. Second, you have a good piece going here, you just need to give it a good bit of editing.

I've posted my review as an attachment, mainly because I hate having to redo all of the red when I post. This one wasn't as in depth as many of my others, mainly because of the length of your piece, and the fact that, to be honest, I'm not one who enjoys science fiction. Still, I did my best.

The main thing I noticed was that your writing style is very choppy, and you seemed to forget the "Show don't tell" rule. For instance, all throughout the story you talk about the US and the Chinese, seemingly coming from out of the blue, especially when he doesn't want to think about about it. It does have to be there, but it would work better if you put it all at once, and gave a reason for bringing it up, like a stray newspaper blowing around campus that he picks up. That's my take on it anyways.

Anyways, I think your story has much potential and that you have the start of a very good plot line if you keep it up.

Thanks cooldude, you've been a big help. I've already began editing the whole piece with your tips. And Split-Second, as I mentioned earlier, paceing is one of the major things I need to work on.

Yours Truly,
RebellionLies