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Tue Jan 05, 2010 9:13 pm
BenFranks says...



Chapter One

Sometimes the worlds need heroes and sometimes people need heroes. But rarely, does a race need heroes. The human race was in dire need of heroes. This is where the United Colonies of Earth & Space (UCES) came in. The UCES were the human race’s military power, and the strongest of all militaries in the universe. It was made up of Colonies and outposts dotted around space all forming a defensive wall to the Nebula systems and the most important colony of them all: Earth. The human race was not to be messed with. That is until the day the universe declared war.

* * *
2344. UCES Frontline ship division.
Lead by Commodore J. Carter
Number of Captains & Ships under his command: 25.

The alien ships were just stationary; Commodore Jeremy Carter could almost smell them. He felt their touch glide through his greasy hair. This was like stalemate in a game of chess, had they lost their commander? It was unusual & no one had any idea who led these strange beings. The alien ships had come from behind that wall… the impregnable wall. It was frustrating. Between his fleet and theirs stood a blazing hot red wall, it was translucent and the ships behind it glared through. He wished he could get closer, but this would be impossible. The “laser” wall was burning the space around it at a horrid 5,500,000-Kelvin, far hotter than the Solar System’s sun. Commodore Carter was thankful it didn’t have any gravity pull that would affect his fleet.
The “laser” wall marked the end of the universe; it surrounded the huge amounts of undiscovered space that encircled the colonies of the humans, and even that of the Druids. Behind the “laser” wall was what the captives of the strange being race referred to as the S Universe. President Rarn of Earth had sent ships out to explore far deeper than ever before and they had never returned, thus it was ordered for Admiral Louis Thyme of the Nebula colonies to take a fleet and see if the lack of the explorers return was due to a form of hostility. On investigation and over four years, the fleet discovered many of these being’s ships and on numerous occasions found them to be hostile, mapping out aggressive dogfights over the frontlines of UCES command. After six years of guerilla style fighting the Admiral came across the “laser” wall and tried every possibility to find ways around it, over it, under it and even through it. The “experiment”, as it was referred to, caused casualties beyond any of the guerilla warfare. On the Admiral’s request, and by the time it was 2307, President Rarn declared war on the beings and battle after battle had been occurring over the last 37 years.
Commodore Jeremy Carter, as regarded as one of the best commanding officers in UCES, was given 25 ships and orders to force a retreat of the beings. Commodore Carter accepted the mission, and on the 4th March 2342, he set off to the “laser” wall with an elite fleet. By the time he reached the wall, he had undergone attack for roughly six months and had his fleet entitled by the Admiral as the “Frontline ship division”. Over the six months of fighting, Commodore Carter had never seen what he and his crew were witnessing from the ship’s bridge today. He assumed it was a new tactic and blamed the unsure feeling on his lack of experience with the beings. However, Jeremy Carter had never been naïve and authorized Captain Jennifer Trovaski to take her ship back to the Admiral with Carter’s report.
Carter grew more nervous as he anticipated a response. It wouldn’t come for at least the next 12 hours, so he fought to control the nerve in front of his crewmates. From their view he looked stern as ever, his eyebrows pierced and focused, his hands steady and his breath slow. Not even a twitch. His lieutenant on the other hand, looked ridiculous. He was panting with fear and anticipation, his eyes watery and filled with dread. He was shaky and unsteady. Clearly he was not fit for his post.
“Mr. Johnson,” said Jeremy without moving his gaze toward him, “is there a problem?”
“No Sir, th-there isn’t. Just, err, just a bit shaky sir.” He replied, still restless.
“May I suggest you go and relax in your quarters Johnson?” Carter’s voice was as stern as his stance.
“Sir, with all- with all due respect, I’d like t-to stay manning my post.”
“The question, as you seem to have perceived my suggestion, was rhetorical Mr. Johnson. As much as I’m sure the comfort of witnessing such a stale mate is valued to you, you’re by my judgment not fit for your post.”
“Yes, sir. I’m awfully… awfully sorry Sir. But… I really would not be comfortable in my quarters… especially if… if… something were to occur, Sir.”
“Mr. Johnson, do not worry about anything ‘occurring’. If these beings do decide to make the next move, I shall inform you. However in the meantime, I demand you rest in your quarters and get a coffee down your neck.” This time Carter was peering into Johnson’s eyes. His stance was superior as if for a brief moment he was Johnson’s mother, and Johnson would never have argued with his mother.
“Right, Sir. I’ll be in my quarters, please do inform me won’t you?” He said wiry. He was less shaky now, but had realised the argument he’d aroused with his Commodore. This man wasn’t even a Captain he was a Commodore! Johnson felt embarrassed; a man of such high rank shouldn’t have to have said as much as Johnson had forced upon him. Johnson was angry with himself and started speculating what his report would look like to the Admiral.
As Johnson left the bridge, a buzzing came through the primary communications system, and Lt. Raymore remarked, “It’s Captain Trovaski, Sir.”
“Quicker than I expected, Miss Trovaski,” said Carter with some relief.
“Sir, I didn’t make it to the Admiral!” She shouted her voice was strained.
“Trovaski? What’s happened? Where’s the admiral?” exclaimed Carter, his relief had quickly passed. He glanced firmly out towards the being’s ships and was remarkably surprised to see that they still hadn’t moved.
“Sir, it’s the druids! Not the beings! They’ve attacked the Admiral’s fleet. Any chance of some assistance Sir?”
“The flamin’ druids! They’re allies in our universe for crying out loud! And what about these blasted beings playing some really dumb game of stalemate chess!”
“Sir, ignore the beings! The Admiral’s informed me they’re no longer hostile, repeat! They are no longer hostile!”
“I hear that Trovaski, I’m heading your way,” he said gallantly, “out.”
Lt. Raymore didn’t need a second word; he’d already turned round and was heading for Trovaski’s co-ordinates.
“Raymore, get us there quick will you?” Carter shouted.
“I always do Sir!” Laughed Raymore.
“Well you darn best, because if Trovaski does all these druids over before us, they’ll give the hearty girl Commodore.” Joked Carter.
“Oh I hear that Sir! I hear that!”

* * *
2382. UCES Frankfurt Hangar.
“Operation Migrate” Ran by Commodore J. Trovaski
Task 07

At a small launch base in Frankfurt, Germany, Captain Benjamin Carter delved into a chicken and cress baguette. He was from Britain and had been raised in the UCES system since he was just 6 years old, making him one of the best Captains, engineers and inventors that ever beheld the quality of being part of the human race. He also lived by the book, making him a more than adequate option for the latest Commodore post, but he had insisted that he remain Captain of the beautiful ship he had devoted the past five years towards. The massive “People’s Ship” or UCES Transport (UCES-T), as opposed to the Military UCES Offensive (UCES-O) ships or “Warfare Carries”, stood before him as he enjoyed his lunch.
He looked up at the ship and found it hard to acknowledge the size of her beauty; she was eleven times the height of the Eiffel tower and across her stern half a thousand dotted faces worked on installing the latest shield system that Carter had invented himself. The ship stretched the whole length of the hangar, making it almost twenty-seven miles long, Ben had once put forward an idea to have a deck that was completely bare, stretched the whole length of the ship and hold a yearly marathon! However, Commodore Trovaski had rejected the idea with some enthusiasm. He had started work on the ship after the President of Earth, Frederick Rarn, had publicly announced to all the colonies of the human race that the home planet, Earth, was running out of resources and it was deemed unsafe for the ten billion people it held. Earth would thus become the headquarters for the President and the most superior ranks of the human race to run UCES and maintain peace with the other races that shared the colonies of the universe and hopefully peace with what lay beyond.
Capt. Carter was then assigned to build a transport ship that was heavily shielded and could carry a cargo of 1 billion people to President Grey who ran the Nebula colony. This was part of Admiral Von Chausse’s “Operation Migrate”. The problem with this is that it meant the ship needed to be massive, as well as well shielded and well armed in case of any unstable diplomatic run-ins. Admiral Von Chausse of the UCES German Sector & East Post Offensive authorized 1,500 engineers and crewmates to help Capt. Carter build the ship and then run it on it’s travels to the Nebula colonies. The trip would take roughly twelve years, plus a year or two for getting everybody onboard and then off-loading them to Nebula 0075 on arrival. For the one billion people, it was decided 500 million quarters would be built, with ensuite water clinics. There would also be one thousand canteen halls that would make up the lower decks, along with facilities such as swimming pools, bars, restaurants, gyms and “outdoor scenarios” like parks and gardens. On the top seven decks of the ship, Carter had built 1,000 quarters for the crew, plus a good hundred battle rooms, training facilities and gyms for crew usage only. The top deck was the bridge, and was left for Carter and his superior staff. Admiral Von Chausse had also filed a request to accommodate five hundred UCES Marines, under the command of Sergeant Josef Long. The UCES Marines would be the “insurance” for any of those unstable diplomatic run-ins that were anticipated. The Marines were the best for anything military related. They could negotiate and shoot like hell, Ben thought of them as a bit like the flake you get on a 99 ice cream. His crew was the ice cream and the cone and Admiral Von Chausse’s marines, well, they were the ‘cherry on top.’
The ship was very near completion and Captain Carter required two chiefs of staff to help him run the ship and give their input. Commodore Trovaski had allowed Carter to make his own choice, on the grounds that she trusted his opinion and that she thought very highly of him. Ben had found this odd, since he had rarely had an acquaintance with her and barely knew her, but he assumed there must’ve been some event he had forgotten or if he couldn’t convince himself he’d blame it on his assumption that Trovaski had a good will to throw a compliment his way.
Carter’s ship would become know to UCES as “Task 07” of Operation Migrate. The Op would be split into nine, thus UCES would have ship “Task 01” to ship “Task 09”. A Captain would run each ship and each Captain would be under Commodore Trovaski’s control. Trovaski would only ever report to Admiral Von Chausse during her time on Earth, as soon as they left, she was the commanding officer and answered to no one but President Rarn himself.

* * *

Benjamin Carter had grown up with two people since he was put into the UCES program. Ben had met Joshua Forte during the youth training program in Bristol, it had been part of getting humans from different colonies to bond and maintain the peace inside the human race. Josh had come to Earth from the Davast colony about 1 or 2 light years from Earth and a part of the UCES Frontline’s “East Post” Colonies. In many of the youth exercises, Ben had taken leadership over Josh, and Josh hadn’t made an argument. Josh was assertive though, he let Ben be the leader naturally because he knew it benefited him, otherwise he would’ve snapped the position in a second. Josh always got his opinion through, but he’d always insist on ‘wandering upon’ his ideas for a few days. They had both bonded quickly and through the program met Peter James. Peter was one of the best gunners either of them had ever seen. In the simulation programs he would ace every target in half the time it took Ben or Josh too. Peter was taller than them; he had jet-black hair and an authoritive face, but what they say about not reading a book by its cover definitely applied here. Peter wasn’t a leader, or a superior figure – he was mental, creative and childish, but in the way that everyone loves or loathes. He was an ace at fighting and knew how to command “Little ranks,” as we called them, but he would always without a doubt let Ben and Josh lead the charge in the training simulations. Peter realised very early he would only set his sights for Lieutenant and promised himself it would be a mistake if he went any higher. This told Ben and Josh he was a sensible bloke, so everyone had mixed opinions of him. Ben and Josh decided they loved him rather than loathed him, and Peter became as much a good friend as Josh had with Ben.
All three of them had some stunning qualities that fitted together beautifully, it wasn’t hard to realise that Peter was the best gunner of the three, but Josh and Ben had their own qualities. Ben had been enlisted in the UCES Youth System since he was 6, because his mother had died just as he turned to that tender age, thus his father authorized the document to enroll him in the youth training program, as he was never to be seen on Earth. His father, Commodore Jeremy Carter, was the highest respected war officer in the UCES Frontline and Ben could only hope to live up to his father’s reputation. Commodore Jeremy Carter had fought in the front lines with his fleet of elite Captains in the war against the beings that had originated from a universe very different from the colonies of Earth, the humans and any other race. Theory and myth had it that the fighting stopped because an immensely powerful figure killed his Master and took control over the being’s forces. The unexplained stalemates that had been described in some of the Captain’s memoirs under Commodore Carter, it was told that after four fortnights of the being’s ships staring into the translucent “laser” wall they simply turned away. No one ever knew why, they merely speculated. The fighting stopped & the worlds beyond the universe were slowly becoming a myth after just 38 years from the end of the war in 2344. However, the peace came too late, Commodore Carter was KIA (Killed in Action) after responding to a hail by Admiral Louis Thyme. The Druid races had turned on the UCES simply because President Rarn had authorized the signing of a peace treaty between UCES and the beings. The Druids lived and breathed war but they knew they couldn’t fight the beings alone and thus turned to taking a chance with the humans. How wrong they were. After Commodore Carter had been killed and his ship downed in a dogfight, Captain Trovaski – now the Commodore – told President Rarn of his heroics, his leadership and his sacrifice to save the Admiral’s fleet. President Rarn acknowledged her statements and after a word from the Admiral himself, he awarded Commodore Carter with the highest medal of loyalty and honor in UCES and he was only one of three to have received it – the UCES Tulip Medal. President Rarn however, thought this was still not adequate enough to have fulfilled such a man and he declared war on the Druids. The war raged from 2345-2351, ending with the execution of the Druid high command and replacing them with a peaceful cabinet. Ben was just seven years old when his father had been killed. Ben swore he’d live up to his name and he put everything into UCES, rising to the rank of Chief Petty Officer at just 15, becoming the youngest person ever to do so. He then became a Royal Engineer Lieutenant in part of the British Sector, rising to the highest levels he could. In 2371 he was promoted to Captain and he left the Royal Engineers to join the UCES Earth Defense Force, along with Peter James who was now Lieutenant in the UCES Earth Defense and Josh, who had rose to Lieutenant also.
Josh, on the other hand, has the skill of which he knew more than anyone about UCES technology and alien intelligence. In the classes that studied the races and colonies, everyone would read and quote from their textbooks, and he would simply shout the answers almost instantly, his hand would rocket up. A textbook never even touched the boy’s desk! Ben, Pete, and the other lads wondered how he had such knowledge having not read a page. Josh claimed it was stories passed on, but the lads blamed it on some nerd-enhanced brain and late night revision when no one was looking. By the time Carter was a Captain, Joshua Forte was unhappy with the rank of Lieutenant, and eager to become a Commander. When he hadn’t received a promotion long after, he quit the UCES Earth Defense and joined the Marines, where he rose to Colonel and was happy with the progress he had attained. The problem with the marines is they weren’t as exciting as UCES. There was less space, and more land. There was less laughs, since he’d left Pete and Ben behind, the only people he talked to now were a group of Sergeants who seemed to have a habit of using disgusting language and playing games that involved a form of animal abuse.
Once Carter had been authorized to pick his chiefs of staff, he grabbed up Peter in an instant and he would become Carter’s Chief of Defense and help design the shielding generators and elite weapon systems for the ship. Carter was desperate to pull some strings and get Josh on-board. He eventually found Colonel Forte in a training program in the Alps working with Italian Sector’s marines. Here, he convinced Josh to an extent that he said “I’ll wander on it for a few days Ben” which everyone at UCES knew meant “Yes, let me just drag this out.” He became Chief Of Intelligence, and didn’t moan too much about returning to Lieutenant.
By 2377, Carter had his two Chiefs and began work on the ship. He was given a time span of ten years to complete his work and Carter found that this time was more than adequate, since after all he did have the best staff under him now.

* * *

It was now the fifth year of progress and the ship was almost finished. Captain Benjamin Carter admired the ship as he finished the last bite of his baguette, and charmed himself with the memories of the build. Once the shielding had been installed, Lt. Peter James would do some summary checks and Lt. Joshua Forte would test out a simulation of the ship’s flight. Once done, Carter would pass on his reports to Commodore Jenny Trovaski. She was an elderly woman these days, but that didn’t affect her work, she could rap up a major job in one-third the time it took any other Commodore and she’d never be seen out of her perfect jet-black uniform… or have her hair any different from a frizzy gray and ginger combination that flocked down to her shoulders. Once she was happy with Capt. Carter’s report, she’d authorize for the loading process to commence and Carter would finally be able to push on his way, after another year of chicken and cress baguettes and processing 1 billion people into the back of the ship that was. Only one thing stood for Carter to do, he needed to name the ship. Under guidelines this meant a formal name that would be structured as so: UCES followed by the name of choice. There was everything from the UCES Athens to UCES Sparta (Sparta was the name Task 06 had called theirs), UCES Ultimatum to UCES Golfer. Ben had often teased his comrade, Captain Johnson of the UCES Sparta (or Task 06), of being completely unoriginal and naming his ship in a competition sense with the already Frontline UCES Athens, but Johnson was convinced it was an intelligent play with history.
Carter thought long and hard for a name and asked around amongst the engineers. None of them really came up with anything that was good enough for the ship, so Carter turned his minds to the Italian Sector and their creative bunch. When he asked them to come up with a name, they didn’t instantly throw up suggestions, but instead decided on trying to think up all these weird and wonderful ways to come up with names, and after a long conversation they turned to Carter and announced they were off to play a game of Scrabble. This was typical of the Italians. After four hours and about two or three games later, none of them had come up with a near impressive name and their “favourite” idea was to call it the ‘UCES SECU’ as if it were some fancy idea to mirror the UCES initials. There was no way he’d call it that and after all this ship would be the best out of Trovaski’s fleet – so it deserved the best name. This was a fact, because Carter knew he had the best two comrades and himself in the job. He merely sent the creative minds back to their lairs to come up with something. Eventually they did reach a verdict and clambered up a flight of stairs to meet with Carter who was laying out some blueprints. Unfortunately for Carter, the verdict wasn’t a name, but a decision. They’d concluded to ‘screw the idea and wait for the other ship’s names to be released and that way they could easily imagine some better name’. Carter was surprisingly not disappointed and decided, instead of screwing the idea; he’d stuff the five created minds and turn to Josh and Pete for a suggestion. Josh resorted to saying he’d wander on it for a few days but Pete on the other hand mapped out an interesting conversation.
“Peter, put down those blasted shield gens and listen up,” exclaimed Carter.
“What’s up Captain?” he replied, “this isn’t about those darn engineers is it?”
“No James, it isn’t. I’ll need to chat to you about them later though. Anyway, I need your help a second.”
“Yes, sir!”
“Quit the dramatics, I only need that mental brain of yours to help me out! I’m trying to come up with a darn name for this beautiful ship.”
“Well Ben, haven’t you consulted them five creative geniuses from that Italian sector?” There was a hint of sarcasm in his voice, but this seemed to go un-noticed to Ben,
“Stuff ‘em! They thought they’d think something up over scrabble.”
“Blimmin’ classical for those Italian bunch,” he laughed, “well, thinking about names… err… look ‘ere it’s simple mate –”
“No it isn’t, this beauty deserves the best” Carter interrupted.
“Oi now, I know that. Just give us your ears a second. I’ve had a fine idea,” He continued, “There’s only three possible names I can blast your way that are suitable for her highness and they’re the following. Now Ben, no silly comments, these are in fashion. We can call the beauty UCES Jezza after the Commodore himself, your father. Or if that isn’t up your street – a bit ‘Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy’ – then listen up to the followin’ two… We can go for the UCES Apollo or the UCES Arizona. I like them names and was saving them for a rainy day!”
“I might not tell you this enough, Pete, but I’m sure you’re an absolute creative genius… besides the fact it isn’t raining.”
“Ah well, thank you Captain! Don’t expect me to fit in with the Italian bunch though will you? And get back to me with the name you chose, eh?”
“Sure I will Pete, but I’m going to give Josh the casting vote between Arizona and Apollo. I’d name it Jezza, but it is a little Hitchhikers.”
“Right-o Captain! Oh, and keep the other for the rainy day.”
“Peter, we’ll probably need the other one, I’m not going to wait for it to rain.”
“It’s a figure of speech Captain, probably didn’t have it in the Royal Engineers, eh?” laughed Pete.
“We did, it just wasn’t used willy-nilly like it is with you!” said Carter laughing.
“Well if it isn’t there to be willy-nilly about then there’s no use in it!”
“Peter, what on earth are you talking about?”
“Never you mind Captain- Well, don’t you worry that pretty little head of yours about it anyhow!”
“Lt. Peter James, I will eat you alive.”
“Ah, well, don’t forget to season me if you do Sir!”
“Okay Peter, don’t forget your medication.”
“Awfully funny you are Sir! Maybe we should name this blighter the Apollo!”
“You need practice on the sarcasm son.”
“I’ll bare that in mind then Captain, have fun with those blueprints.”
“I’m sure I will do, I got the Swiss Sector doing the interior! Now, get on with them generators, I want to be out of Frankfurt by next year.”
“Don’t we all?” Cried James as he struggled off into the distance carrying a couple of generators. Ben laughed and amused himself over the conversation. It was time to go and find Josh and get the casting vote, the problem was he’d wandered off in thought and could be anywhere in the hangar. The hangar wasn’t exactly small and Josh’s phone was turned off, this basically meant Ben would have to entertain the Swiss until he saw Josh later that night.
“Ah. You must be Captain Carter, yar?” Said an engineer as Ben came out of the lift on the third deck.
“That’s me,” said Carter.
“Ah, alas! We needed you!” cried the man in a heavy Swiss accent.
“And you are?” Carter amused himself with the question, hoping to get a funny Swiss name or some “Little rank” response.
“Ah, I am Mr. Fabio Vunluk, interior design specialist of the Swiss sector.”
“Okay, no rank?”
“Ah rank! No Captain, I am not part of the UCES Military system, I am a – how do you say – ‘civilian’?” He said over pronouncing his ‘arrrnnn’.
“Well, Fabio, as much as it is nice to meet you, I do have to insist you don’t reply with an “ah” every time you wish to speak.”
“Ah okay.”
The chats went on like that for the next two hours whilst they dragged him around twenty odd quarters explaining how varying the interior would make the 12-year journey more interesting and encourage friendship. The Swiss businessmen wore horrid, tacky suits and grinned revealing forty years of plaque and decay. Fabio was the worst. He attempted to convince Carter that how he saw life was common in Swiss philosophy, which made absolutely no sense and Carter merely found every sentence more amusing. Eventually he managed to break free of them by putting one of the engineers in his place and crossing his fingers that they wouldn’t notice, at least until he was out of sight. This only worked because Fabio had started another marathon explanation of how paint reflects the meaning of life amongst Catholics in Switzerland. Carter worried where he had got his “facts” about philosophy and then just laughed as he judged Fabio to be extremely stupid, or just a plain liar to make himself sound more interesting – this clearly failed; either way, Carter was glad he had gotten away.
Carter was on his way down to the lower decks when his phone started rattling. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out the thin touch screen. His thumb hovered over the key and a humming noise filled the lift. Within seconds a holographic image of Josh struggling to carry a collection of blueprints appeared out of the phone. He smiled as he realised his call had gotten through.
“Ello Captain! I’ve had a wander and still nothing, but one of the Petty Officers said you wanted a word.”
“That’s alright Josh, I need you to make a decision. Promise me you won’t wonder on this one?”
“I hear that Captain! What’s the decision?”
“Pete came up with two names, that I’m happy with-”
“Oh dear. I’m not allowed to wander?” he laughed.
“It can’t be that difficult, we have the UCES Arizona or the UCES Apollo?”
“Ha! I don’t need to wander Ben. Y’all know how much I used to love that Live at the Apollo thing on the telly back in the good years!”
“So we’re going with Apollo?”
“I hear that Captain!”
“Rightio Joshua thanks for the help. I got to finish off some blueprints for the final touches of the decks so I’ll speak to you later.”
“Alright Captain,” said Josh as a couple of the rolled up blueprints he was struggling with rolled out from under his arms. Carter managed to get a glimpse of him chasing after one before the call ended. This was a very amusing day.



Chapter Two

East Post UCES division
2382 – March 31st, 0600 hours
President William Horn’s chambers

The door crashed down and four suited marines burst through grabbing President Horn by the arms and ripping him out of bed. The sergeant yelled at him to keep his head down and stay calm. Horn tried to find his feet but he was being dragged along at such a speed it was nearly impossible.


...to be continued once I get feedback from my teacher. :)
  





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Wed Jan 06, 2010 2:25 pm
BenFranks says...



Feedback would be very helpful ='[
  





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Fri Jan 08, 2010 9:16 pm
McMourning says...



It's an interesting concept. I'm not sure that anyone else has suggested a laser wall surrounding the universe.

BenFranks wrote:Sometimes the worlds need heroes and sometimes people need heroes. But rarely, does a race need heroes. The human race was in dire need of heroes.

I both like and dislike this. First, the positives: It's mostly a true statement. There are, of course, a few times when a whole race has needed a hero--during times of discrimination. I think it also tells us a little bit about the book, which is important. However, I don't think you should say that humans were in dire need of heroes. I think this is part of a far greater "info dump". I had to skim the next several paragraphs because you just tell us everything, all this history. I did that in my first piece posted here and I think we all are tempted to just tell the readers what they need to know. But, as readers, we'd much rather discover it for ourselves, because it's not very fun sitting and reading the history of Earth's space exploration.
Is it even necessary for me to know all that?

There also seems to be a lot of dialogue. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but I have found that it isn't always important.
"One voice can be stronger than a thousand voices, " Captain Kathryn Janeway
  





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Fri Jan 08, 2010 9:56 pm
BenFranks says...



Thankyou for your review.

I'd just like to mention that dialogue is a motor to my story which is why it's used as often as it is, however, I do realise I need to make it less wooden so the book is easier to read and more hooking.

About the 'info-dump' you mentioned. I can see what you mean, however the several paragraphs you're referring to are about my main character's father and there is an importance to include this information for the rest of the story to make any sense. This may imply it's a tale about revenge, but it sways more along the note of growing up to make another proud.

I thankyou for your comments and your positive criticism. :)
  





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Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:43 pm
Stori says...



The ship stretched the whole length of the hangar, making it almost twenty-seven miles long, Ben had once put forward an idea to have a deck that was completely bare, stretched the whole length of the ship and hold a yearly marathon!


How could something that big actually lift off? Just getting past Earth's gravity would be a huge expenditure of power/fuel.

Also, I want to pount out that the paragraphs are too long. No one wants an info-dump when they're just getting into the story.
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
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Sat Jan 16, 2010 4:20 pm
DeadEndsAreOptional says...



I love how the beginning starts, it made me want to read more. It's a great story so far! You wrote it very well. The only thing that you might need to change is the dialogue. There is a part in the story where it is a little hard to follow who's saying what. Otherwise, it's great. It's an interesting plot. I can't wait to read more! :D
"If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it." ~Toni Morrison
  





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Sat Jan 16, 2010 8:50 pm
BenFranks says...



Thanks for the reviews everyone. I'm taking in your tips for my Novel. :)
  





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Mon Jan 18, 2010 6:40 pm
Kaywiia says...



Do turn this into a novel, and try to publish it. However, make your post shorter. Near the end, i though to myself, is this almost over. Otherwise it was very entertaining and i think you could do a lot of good with where this is going.
Love is beautiful, but what would love be without life?
  





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Wed Jan 20, 2010 4:49 pm
BenFranks says...



Thankyou for your thoughts and suggestions. However, after suggesting to me to make this into a 'novel' do you really mean 'cut it down'? Or did you mean spread out the story more-so? You've confused me here.
  





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Mon Jun 21, 2010 10:34 am
Ryakku says...



i think its awsome ben well done
  








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