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Ignorance Is Bliss: Chapter 1



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Fri Jan 15, 2010 5:44 pm
Amaryllis says...



Twelve years later
Karla knew that she was surrounded by idiots, and had been for twelve years. She was glad she had not become one of them, though she had no idea how she had managed it. The woman who called herself Karla’s “mother,” Angela, was the first of many nimrods she had met, and when Karla looked at her, she tasted oatmeal that had been left to sit out for a few days. They had lived together for twelve years, and even though Angela was hopelessly vapid, Karla had been well cared for during that period. By the house, that is.
The house did everything for Angela and Karla, and they had never had to lift a finger to do anything. It cleaned itself, made food and drinks for them, and would even change the color of its interior if asked. As a result, Angela had grown enormous from the constant food and lack of activity, and Karla couldn’t remember the last time she had seen the woman leave her armchair. The only reason that Karla hadn’t fallen into this sorry state as well was because she walked everywhere she needed to go instead of using autocars. Karla hated autocars; what was the point of getting into something that drove itself and always knew where it was going? Karla liked not having a plan and not knowing where she was going. It alleviated the constant humdrum of her cushiony life.
Of course, Karla wasn’t about to complain. She was treated well and fed properly, and the constant calm in the world felt like an extravagant and welcome silence compared to her life from age five backward. Angela had tried to convince her multiple times that it was just a nasty dream, but Karla still remembered that awful, sharply lemon feeling of hunger. One couldn’t dream something like that and feel it so vividly.
Karla was thankful for the memory, however, because it forced her to also remember her mother and brother. She knew that they had been real, no matter what Angela said. Karla had wanted desperately to search for them all these years, but two things kept her from doing so. Every time she grew anxious about trying to locate her family, she found that the emotion evaporated within a few seconds, replaced by a wave of calm. In the back of her mind, something screamed at her that this wasn’t at all normal, but the calm obliterated that feeling too. However, the calm never washed away the metal taste, and that was the only thing that kept Karla from dissolving into a blank oblivion like Angela.
Speaking of, where was the woman? Karla hadn’t seen Angela in her usual armchair upon waking up and going down to the kitchen, but she hadn’t been alarmed. She had actually been rather pleased by the idea that Angela was finally getting some exercise. But now it was past breakfast, and in all the years Karla had known her, Angela had never missed a meal. Karla felt herself grow worried, but then the feeling vanished as it always did, leaving only a faint taste of metal.
The house was oddly silent, and Karla realized that no one had turned on the lifescreen, the annoying talking rectangle on the wall. So Angela definitely wasn’t at home, then. Angela always had the lifescreen on before breakfast, and it remained on all day, spewing its constant drivel at anyone who cared to listen. Then Karla heard something.
The front door swung open, and Karla stood up, thinking it was Angela, though she hadn’t any idea why Angela had left the house in the first place. As soon as she left the kitchen and came into the front hall, however, she could see that this person was definitely not Angela. A sticklike blonde woman with an obnoxious green dress and clipboard had let herself into the house, and her grey eyes fell upon Karla. She stepped toward Karla, and Karla felt her heart rate rise again. Then, of course, the calm, but not without lingering metal. Damn this calm! Karla clenched her fist, and her right wrist twinged. Then the calm washed away her anger as well, and she was left staring blankly at the blonde woman.
“Karla, I’m glad to see that you are home. And congratulations on turning eighteen, by the way,” the woman said, sitting down at Karla’s breakfast table. Karla blinked. So that’s how old she was now? Angela had never kept track, and it hadn’t bothered Karla. But this woman definitely bothered Karla.
“What do you want?” Karla said, hoping she didn’t sound rude. “Where is Angela? I haven’t been able to find her all morning.”
The woman ignored her second question. “You are at the age now when you are to move into one of the young adult autohouses. I’m sure you’ve seen them.” Karla had seen one of the buildings on one of her long walks, and she had taken care to avoid it since. They called it “college,” and it was a cesspool of people that did nothing but make noise and party all the time. Karla thought this to be nonsensical, and she had hoped she would never have to live there.
“Where’s Angela?” Karla asked again, keeping her gaze fixed on the woman’s liposuctioned face. If the woman at least answered that question, Karla felt that she might be more inclined to cooperate.
“Calm yourself, please, and come with me,” the woman stood up and beckoned at Karla. Karla didn’t move.
“Please tell me where my guardian went,” Karla paused. “And now that I think of it, my mother and brother too.”
The woman frowned. “Angela is your mother, miss. And your records say that you don’t have a brother.”
“You’re lying,” Karla gripped the table, wondering if she’d regret this later. “I had a mother other than Angela, and my brother’s name is Adam.”
The woman opened her mouth as if she were going to shout something, but closed it a little after a moment, speaking in a tense calm. “You are delusional. The government does not lie, and your records are verified to be correct. If you continue to spout these lies and doubt my knowledge, you will be severely punished. Now, who is your family?”
Karla tasted metal, even though the strange calm blocked out any other emotion. She said nothing, watching the woman peer at her. The woman did something then that confused Karla.
She held her right wrist to her mouth and said into it, “I have a malfunctioning Decel. It will not cooperate. Do I eliminate it?”
What on earth was a Decel? Karla held her silence, completely bewildered now.
The woman cocked her head back a little for a moment as if listening to something. She then frowned in confusion.
“If you insist. I really don’t think that’s very wise, but if you insist…” the woman paused again for a moment, her confused frown turning disgruntled. “No disrespect meant, ma’am. I will do as you command.” The woman lowered her wrist.
Karla blinked. Either the woman had been talking to herself, or someone could hear her through her wrist. Regardless, it was too strange for Karla’s liking, and it made her taste green olives. Eccch.
“Erm, I’m going to eat breakfast now…” Karla got up and shuffled backward away from the woman, running a hand subconsciously through her mass of curly black hair. The woman jerked abruptly upright, her green dress squeaking against the plastic stool she had been sitting on as she stood up.
“Miss, you are to come with me under order of law. It is apparent that certain parts of you are malfunctioning, and they can be fixed if you cooperate.” The woman beckoned forward. “Everything will be back to normal, and you can live a normal life free of eccentricities…” the woman paused, gazing down at Karla as if she were talking to a toddler. In a slower and more deliberate tone, she continued, “Your weird feelings. They will go away. We can fix you.”
“There’s nothing wrong with me,” Karla protested, not moving any nearer to the woman. “I won’t come with you. I live here.”
That, apparently, had been the wrong thing to say.
The woman lifted her wrist again to her mouth and spoke into it. “It won’t come willingly. I am requesting an incapacitation.” A pause. “Affirmative. Go ahead.”
“I love modern technology,” the woman smiled – no, grimaced, really – at Karla, shaking her head.
Karla felt a twinge in her right wrist. She staggered, suddenly overcome by dizziness. Then a swooping blackness, and she saw no more.
"It's my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."
  





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Sun Jan 17, 2010 6:57 am
Caytlin says...



this is really well writen, and a good plot too!
your doing great with this, i was only able to spot a few very minor typos.
keep writing,
~Caytlin
  





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Sun Jan 17, 2010 1:40 pm
BenFranks says...



Hey there Amaryllis, my review buddy! Haha, I loved your prologue so I was very happy to see that you've posted Chapter One! Anyway, here are my thoughts and suggestions:


Amaryllis wrote:Twelve years later
Karla knew that she was surrounded by idiots,remove comma, makes it more fluent and had been for twelve years. She was glad (Suggestion: Replace 'glad' with 'relieved'?) she had not become one of them, though she had no idea how she had managed it. The woman who called herself Karla’s “mother,” Angela, was the first of many nimrods Love this she had met, and when Karla looked at her, she tasted oatmeal that had been left to sit out for a few days Usually I'd think this is a step too far, but for Karla it's brilliant! There's humour, character development and grip - She's my favourite character! :D. They had lived together for twelve years, and even though Angela was hopelessly vapid good, Karla had been well cared for during that period. By the house, that is. Love the intro and how it draws in 'memorys' from the prologue. Very good start.
The house did everything for Angela and Karla, and they had(remove this had - to read "and they never had to lift...") never had to lift a finger to do anything. It cleaned itself, made food and drinks for them, and would even change the color of its interior if asked. I like the plot development that's an undercurrent to the introduction of new technologies, very clever. As a result, Angela had grown enormous from the constant food and lack of activity, and Karla couldn’t remember the last time she had seen the woman leave her armchair. Good character development and creation of atmosphere. The only reason that Karla hadn’t fallen into this sorry state as well was because she walked everywhere she needed to go instead of using autocars. Karla hated autocars; what was the point of getting into something that drove itself and always knew where it was going? Karla liked not having a plan and not knowing where she was going. It alleviated the constant humdrum of her cushiony life. I love the words you've used here and you're showing us Karla's new life, fabulous. There's no info-dumps or off-puts so far, well done!
Of course, Karla wasn’t about to complain. She was treated well and fed properly, and the constant calm in the world felt like an extravagant and welcome silence compared to her life from age five backward This seems a little formal? Perhaps say "compared to her life before that day. When it had all changed. Angela...". Angela had tried to convince her multiple times that it was just a nasty dream, but Karla still remembered that awful, sharply lemon feeling of hunger. One couldn’t dream something like that and feel it so vividly I like this alot.
Karla was thankful for the memory, however, because it forced her to also remember her mother and brother. Brilliant, plot development is felt here. She knew that they had been real, no matter what Angela said. Karla had wanted so desperately to search for them all these years, but two things kept her from doing so. Replace full stop with a colon. Every time she grew anxious about trying to locate her family, she found that the emotion evaporated within a few seconds, replaced by a wave of calm. Oo, Are they controlling feelings too? :) In the back of her mind, something screamed at her that this wasn’t at all normal, but the calm obliterated that feeling too. Good, I like this, you're creating tension by putting the reader inside your character's mind. However, the calm never washed away the metal taste, and that was the only thing that kept Karla from dissolving into a blank oblivion like Angela. 'Blank Oblivion' is excellent use of vocabulary, it's bits like this that keep your readers gripped. Try to introduce more of these little gems earlier in your chapter.
Speaking of (this makes me think... 'speaking of what?' - so say; speaking of Angela (or something more explicit), where was the woman? Karla hadn’t seen Angela in her usual armchair upon waking up and going down to the kitchen, but she hadn’t been alarmed. She had actually been rather pleased by the idea that Angela was finally getting some exercise Love this, it's sort of a portrayal of Karla's personality - made me laugh. But now it was past breakfast, and in all the years Karla had known her, Angela had never missed a meal. Karla felt herself grow worried (Suggestion: 'Karla felt herself grow with worry,'), but then the feeling vanished as it always did, leaving only a faint taste of metal. Love this. However, perhaps extend this section of your chapter and elaborate more on what Karla's doing while Angela is missing - before the growth of worry. This way we get a more vivid sense of atmosphere (Though I LOVE mystery - atmosphere is essential) it also helps extend your chapter and move your story into 'novel-style'. This is just a suggestion though :)
The house was oddly silent, and Karla realized that no one had turned on the lifescreen, which was the annoying talking rectangle on the wall. So Angela definitely wasn’t at home, then. Angela always had the lifescreen on before breakfast, and it remained on all day, spewing its constant drivel at anyone who cared to listen. Then Karla heard something. Brilliant, gripping and flawless ending to paragraph
The front door swung open, and Karla stood up, thinking it was Angela, though she hadn’t any idea why Angela had left the house in the first place. As soon as she left the kitchen and came into the front hall, however, she could see that this person was definitely not Angela. I like this. I think here you should start a new paragraph before describing the new character. A sticklike blonde woman with an obnoxious - perhaps change this word? It seems out of place green dress and clipboard had let herself into the house,(no comma needed) and her grey eyes fell upon Karla. She stepped toward Karla, and Karla felt her heart rate rise again. Then, of course, the calm, but not without lingering metal. Damn this calm! This is good, there's a mystery here. Karla clenched her fist, and her right wrist twinged. Then the calm washed away her anger as well, and she was left staring blankly at the blonde woman. Love it!
“Karla, I’m glad to see that you are home. And congratulations on turning eighteen, by the way,” the woman said, sitting down at Karla’s breakfast table. Karla blinked. So that’s how old she was now? Angela had never kept track, and it hadn’t bothered Karla. But this woman definitely bothered Karla.
“What do you want?” Karla said, hoping she didn’t sound rude. “Where is Angela? I haven’t been able to find her all morning.” This shows a more grown up version of Karla that I haven't felt before, there's a new atmosphere about her, so be careful to keep this strong throught the rest of the chapter.
The woman ignored her second question. “You are at the age now when you are to move into one of the young adult autohouses. I’m sure you’ve seen them.” Karla had seen one of the buildings on one of her long walks,(take out comma) and she had taken care to avoid it since. They called it “college,” and it was a cesspool of people love that description that did nothing but make noise and party all the time. Karla thought this to be nonsensical, and she had hoped she would never have to live there. Good. There's a dilema that's not particularly important, but shows Karla's feelings to different scenarios - I like this. Very well written.
“Where’s Angela?” Karla asked again, keeping her gaze fixed on the woman’s liposuctioned face. If the woman at least answered that question, Karla felt that she might be more inclined to co-operate.
“Calm yourself, please, and come with me,” the woman stood up and beckoned at Karla. Karla didn’t move. I like this. The 'government people' or outsiders as they seem to be portrayed all have this implied robotism. It's fantastic.
“Please tell me where my guardian went,” Karla paused. “And now that I think of it, my mother and brother too.” This is the Karla curiousity, similar to that in the prologue - I love how you've linked this.
The woman frowned. “Angela is your mother, miss. And your records say that you don’t have a brother.” Love it, still got the robotism dialogue :)
“You’re lying,” Karla gripped the table, wondering if she’d regret this later. “I had a mother other than Angela, and my brother’s name is Adam.”
The woman opened her mouth as if she were going to shout something, but closed it a little after a moment, speaking in a tense calm. “You are delusional. The government does not lie, and your records are verified to be correct. If you continue to spout these lies and doubt my knowledge, you will be severely punished. Now, who is your family?” I like this because of the story that it could turn to or couldn't, it gives the reader imagination.
Karla tasted metal, even though the strange calm blocked out any other emotion. She said nothing, watching the woman peer at her. The woman did something then that confused Karla (Revise this last sentence and try to make it more gripping like your previous paragraph ends. My suggestion would be something along the lines "Then the woman surprised Karla.").
She held her right wrist to her mouth and said into it, “I have a malfunctioning Decel. It will not cooperate. Do I eliminate it?” Fabulous!
What on earth was a Decel? Karla held her silence, completely bewildered now.
The woman cocked her head back a little for a moment as if listening to something. She then frowned in confusion. That's interesting - makes me want to read on.
“If you insist. I really don’t think that’s very wise, but if you insist…” the woman paused again for a moment, her confused frown turning disgruntled. “No disrespect meant, ma’am. I will do as you command.” The woman lowered her wrist. Opened a gateway to plot development...
Karla blinked. Either the woman had been talking to herself, or someone could hear her through her wrist. Regardless, it was too strange for Karla’s liking, and it made her taste green olives. Eccch. Does she not like Olives? :D
“Erm, I’m going to eat breakfast now…” Karla got up and shuffled backward away from the woman, running a hand subconsciously through her mass of curly black hair Nice, I'm getting a taste of her appearance but enough to leave some mystery to it and not info-dumping, well written. The woman jerked abruptly upright, her green dress squeaking does a dress 'squeak'? against the plastic stool she had been sitting on as she stood up. 'jerked abruptly upright' sounds almost rhythmic. Wonderful use of vocabulary.
“Miss, you are to come with me under order of law. It is apparent that certain parts of you are malfunctioning, and they can be fixed if you cooperate.” She talks like a robot and assumes everyone else is 'made of parts'. These government people are a fantastic bunch of characters! The woman beckoned forward. “Everything will be back to normal,(don't need comma) and you can live a normal life free of eccentricities…” the woman paused, gazing down at Karla as if she were talking to a toddler May not be intended but this feels like a link to the prologue and forms a kind of bond to Karla's life before - Brilliant. In a slower and more deliberate tone, she continued, “Your weird feelings. They will go away. We can fix you.” Again, very well written.
“There’s nothing wrong with me,” Karla protested, not moving any nearer to the woman. “I won’t come with you. I live here.” I like how although this control of their feelings and everything, you still keep a solid character atmosphere and personality development, it's very well done.
That, apparently, had been the wrong thing to say.
The woman lifted her wrist again to her mouth and spoke into it. “It won’t come willingly. I am requesting an incapacitation.” New line... A pause. A new line...“Affirmative. Go ahead.” Creating little fragments of dialogue on new lines like this helps to drag out tense scenes and simple structuring can change the atmosphere to intrigue your readers further.
“I love modern technology,” the woman smiled – no, grimaced, really – at Karla, shaking her head. Love how that's more sarcastically human and how you've altered how you think the woman's emotions are, creates mystery and confusion.
Karla felt a twinge in her right wrist. She staggered, suddenly overcome by dizziness. Then a swooping blackness, and she saw no more. Once again left on a cliff hanger! Fabulous :D


Okay, so there you have it. I really enjoy this, so keep writing and I hope I've helped!
Ben!
  





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Sun Jan 17, 2010 10:04 pm
Bickazer says...



Hi Amaryllis, here I am again! ^^

I really like this first chapter--it combines worldbuilding, character development, and plot seamlessly. Which is quite hard to do, so good job there.

At first, I was a little put off by Karla's continued resistance, because it could potentially make her seem too perfect/awesome if she can resist these weird mind implants (or whatever they are)and no one else can. But by the end of the chapter, I think you've done Karla's leve of resistance just right. She knows something's wrong, she remembers her family, but she can't do anything actively about it. I especially love the way you show Karla's emotional state in this chapter, the conflict between her own desire to get angry and indignant, and the strange calm that prevents her from doing it. This paragraph, in particular, I felt exempifies that:

Every time she grew anxious about trying to locate her family, she found that the emotion evaporated within a few seconds, replaced by a wave of calm. In the back of her mind, something screamed at her that this wasn’t at all normal, but the calm obliterated that feeling too. However, the calm never washed away the metal taste, and that was the only thing that kept Karla from dissolving into a blank oblivion like Angela.


Nice way to incorporate her synaesthesia in there, and how it's the only thing keeping her sane.

And the end, with the mysterious woman, all these strange hints to somthing greater and nefarious going on, is beautifully done. Normally I'd object to a chapter ending with a character fainting, but I can excuse it in this case because it's done to showcase the stangeness and power the woman holds. And bringing back the thing with the wrist helps deepen the mystery. I want to know more~!

Your worldbuiling is just detailed enough without being too sparse, and there are no infodumps in sight. I like how you show us how a society like this would isolate people from one another and really reduce meaningful human interaction, as well as remove the impetus for people to go out and actively do something (a way for the government to ensure cooperation, it seems). Though I do wonder what Karla does in most of her days--I find it odd that you don't mention a school or anything like that. Something like that you should probably incorporate into the text, because otherwise it just raises a lot of weird questions. It doesn't seem right that a minor would just be sequestered in their house all day without learning anything (Karla reads on a five year old level? O_o). At the very least, school could be used as an intrument for propaganda. Just something to think about and help you deepen your worldbuilding.

Also, I noticed a decrease in the amount of synaesthesia descriptions as the chapter wore on. Nothing major, but try to keep the level of description consistent, because to Karla, its the way she sees the wold--so it should stay constant.

Overall, you do a good job with setting up the story, world, and characters in this first chapter, which is exactly what a first chapter should do. Good luck and keep on writing, and PM me if you have any questions. ^^
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.
  





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Sun Feb 07, 2010 4:38 am
Jas says...



EhMAgawd! I luv this! I luv this! plz plz plz plz rite more soon!!! ZOMG! This is da bomb man! I luv this! Can I marry your story?!?!?!































Haha Just kidding. I always hated reviews like that cause they aren't helpful at all. Anyway:

Good story, I would love to see why Karla still has her memory and such. Question, didn't Karla have a disbility or something I remember from the prolouge something about 2 being red and 3 being blue so 2+3=purple, so what happened to that? You posted this a while back so maybe you stopped writing it or something but PM me when you continue :)

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  








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