She almost fell, but she had to keep moving. She had to get to the gate. If she stayed, she would be sent away.But if she kept moving...
Watch the needless repetition.
And she wanted to cry.Her lungs burned, her heart shuddered, and every step twisted her knees so that tears sprang to her eyes. When she finally came to the gate, it was all she could dobutto keep herself from crying.
As with before.
It was a man’s voice, but she didn’t see him at first. The whitewashed apartments across the street stared down at her and trash fluttered down the street like an injured pigeon. And then she saw the car.
This simile confused me a little, not sure if it works with the plural of trash and the singular of 'an injured pigeon' - where your writing was perhaps too sparse before, her you have some forced, awkward imagery. Maybe pick a singular thing to focus on, a can, for instance.
A man stood next to the car. And his face shocked her. When he was younger, he might have been handsome, but now his jaw was drawn tight. He looked old. And yet, as old as he seemed, his face held no expression. He might as well have been wearing a mask. “So are you the freak?”
She curtseyed. “Please sir, are you my new master, sir?” Her voice was barely a squeak.
He glanced at her. “Maybe. How old are you?”
“Twenty, sir.”
“Twenty what?”
“Twenty years, sir.”
An old face shocked her? Why? Be specific, simple unexplained shock isn't enough. I didn't believe this passage of dialogue at all. Too indecisive and casual from him, not nearly enough from her. More direct, powerful lines from him. He knows what he's doing and he's not to be questioned.
"
That she actually doesn't answer him here is implausible. She's supposed to be scared out of her wits and used to following orders with rote precision and never, ever, questioning, no? So, how is it that she is so bold to question someone so obviously, ridiculously far above her?
"Are you the freak?"
She curtsied. "Yes, sir."
He glanced at her. "How old are you?"
“Twenty, sir.”
“Twenty what?”
“Twenty years, sir.”
That's how it should read, I think.
When she said nothing, he said, “Iwas under the impression that I would purchaseordered the oldest freak here. The freak that helped out with the children. She was twenty.”
It's the same here, as well. Just a bit too conversational from him, from what I understand of his character, it just doesn't sit well. Maybe something more like the suggestion?
After a couple of minutes of silence, she peeked outside again. Everything was purple anddistortedthrough the tinted glassandthe buildings all twisted into strange shapes. She stared at this with wonder before turning back to the gentleman.
Starring back at her was the biggest house she ever saw. Tall and white, it loomed in front of her, peering at her curiouslywith large glassy eyes.
You used the glassy eyes line earlier in the chapter. Repetition, repetition!
“Well?” the man asked, as the driver left them and a sweet burst of wildflowers drifted past. “Are you ready to go inside?”
She glanced to the man, frightened. Carefully, she squirmed out of her seat, but her movements were too slow and everything hurt.
He sighed. “Here, let me help.” He bent down to pick her up. She whimpered and shrunk away at first, but he cradled her in his arms and took her to the door. Carefully, he set her down on her feet, holding her up until he knew she had the balance. She swallowed.
“Thank you, sir,” she murmured.
He opened the door. “Welcome home, Freak.”
Hm. Has he changed from what I remember? This all feels very strange. Later in the third chapter, he is more like what I remember, cold, decisive, in control. Powerful. In this chapter, I am honestly confused as to who he is. Is that intentional? His casual tone, his helpfulness, 'are you ready to go inside?' / 'welcome home, freak?'
So, I'm going to end this here and wait to see what you say about that. There's a lot more basic editing that needs to be done, a fair few sentences that need to be cut and tightened and mistakes that need to be corrected but I don't have the time to go through that right now, and I don't have internet at home for the moment, so I'll come back to this later. I will say that I found it to be a good deal easier to read, and I went through to the end this time, it's just a bit raw in places. Hope this helps!
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