Young Writers Society

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I think it's a good start. You really keep the reader hooked by wanting to know more about what is going on, the time period, the protest. It's well described for the beginning. Just remember as you write more, to describe things well so readers can get a picture perfect mental image. I like it and I'm very interested in learning more! Keep it up!

I really do like this beginning a lot! It's very good and your descriptions mesmerize me! Keep up the good work!


~NinjaTOtheM@X~

I really like this, i was sucked in instantly. you have some awesome descriptions, vivid but not lengthy, sometimes that's the best way to keep readers intrigued. I'm curious to see where you take this but excited at the same time.
Good luck!
DM.

definitely a good start, though sometimes i found my self re-reading some parts either because i got confused all of a sudden or my mind's flying off somewhere,, though its a good start, it didn't satisfy me, i was waiting for a "boom" in the story but all of it was a mild flow, which is not a bad thing at all! i guess, i just expected too much after reading the title,,


continue posting its parts maybe i'll get that satisfaction i need! ofcourse this is just one person's opinion!

overall, it's an interesting opening and readers will definitely read its continuation! *thumbs up!

Wow I have to confess this is great style of writing and story telling. The reading is kept in the dark about what is happening. The true conflict. And given a brief description about a mother and daughter from the girl's point of view all while maintaining a balance between the internal and external conflicts. I really enjoyed every bit of it and will continue reading any later chapters. I curious though is there a prolouge? If there is please pm me I would love to read it! And keep up the good work!

First thing's first: well done! I really like your descriptions and the idea of a shady father-figure you've created. However, ther is one little thing I would like to point out. A at one point, Lu sayss

The guilt weighs upon my heart like forty million bricks

I, personally, think that attaching a number to the simile detracts from its effectiveness. I paused over that sentenced when I read it, interupting the flow you had going. That's just my personal opinion, you don't need to take it as biblical truth.
All things said, I'm looking foward to the next part!

You really know how to start the story-you reeled me in instanly. I'm excited to see how this turns up.

Hi, tennisprincess! I'm here to review like you asked me to.

First off, I really enjoyed this. You have a very definitive way of writing that I enjoy. It's smooth and conforms well to the mood you're trying to portray. It's funny, when I was reading this, all I could think of was Princess Zelda from the Zelda video games. She's always so gloomy and sad, and this was so similar. I don't know quite where this is taking place yet, but I imagined her staring down at a courtyard from the window of some palace. Great job.

The guilt weighs upon my heart like forty million bricks.

I don't like "forty million." For me, when you use a number, especially a big one like this, it makes me take what you're writing less seriously, and it might as well be, "The guilt weighs upon my heart like a bajillion bricks." Do you see what I mean? If you ask me, I would say to change it to "a ton of bricks," or something similar.

Hmm, what else?

Every day the protestors outside dwindle in number. I wonder if they ever sleep or eat.

When you say "I wonder if they ever sleep or eat," it contradicts what the first sentence is stating somewhat. If the protesters are dwindling, then why would it matter if they sleep or eat? They're leaving! If you said something like, "I wonder where they all went," and then go on to explain something that shows there was violence that possibly killed off some of the people, that would make more sense.

Overall, though, you have a good amount of talent, especially for a fourteen-year-old, and I look forward to reading some more of this! I'm curious to see what you do with the plot.

If you have any questions or would like another review, please feel free to ask!

-Knightley

I agree with Knightley about some of the sentences. Especially the part about the bricks. It took the emotion out of that paragraph and it took me a little bit to get back into the emotion that was there. I'm asking myself a lot of questions and that might not be a good thing. Since this is a first chapter it's where you introduce things and tell the readers what is happening. I think this read more like a prologue, things happened that weren't really explained and the absence of a stated time period made me think maybe you are going to jump forward or backward in time. That way you could explain why the people were there or what happened after because of them.

Overall I thought this was a pretty good piece but like I said, it read like a prologue and if it was a chapter in a novel it'd probably be longer. Unless you are just planning of having a whole bunch of chapters.

Hope that helped.

~peanut~

^ In response to the above, I am writing a lot of short chapters.
Besides, that is irrelevant to the point of the story...
Some stories have no chapters at all.
By the way, when I say the protestors are dwindling in number, they are not leaving. They are dying. Just to clear that up.
I know there is an air of mystery to the story, but that's the point.
I don't give everything away in the beginning, instead I am going to unravel it slowly in the first few chapters.

Hi there!

So, I don't think I've reviewed a story of yours before? I seem to remember a poem, though? Anyway, moving on, I really liked this. As people have said, you have a nice definitive way of writing which means that everything runs smoothly. You've set a nice scene, and I want to know what's going to happen next.

However, firstly I'm going to say that there are a few small mistakes in your writing. I'm in a nitpicky mood, so I'll point out some to you (be warned, I might not get them all!)

Surely those fighting for freedom do not leave the bodies of the deceased on the streets to be tread upon by steel-toed boots.

Shouldn't that be 'trod upon'?

Their elbows poke out from behind baggy clothing and their eyes have shrunk back into their hollow sockets.

Crossed out unnecessary words. To many 'their's.

We found a secret cellar with so much canned food.

How? That sounds way too lucky. Why not elaborate; why are they so special?

The wavering men and women outside appear to be in the last stages of some fatal disease; and they are. For that illness is delusion; living in a fantasy land and not accepting reality for what it is – tragic.

Two sentences in a row with semi-colons? Overload: use them wisely.

she looked at me with her lips pouting and surrounded by frown lines.

'Pouting' doesn't seem like the right word. Why not find one that better describes an ageing woman?

That's pretty much it for nitpicks.

The last thing I'll say is that although you've left the reader wanting to know more, take care that you aren't too sparse with your information. Right now I'm a bit confused, so maybe you could introduce a little more background towards the end, otherwise people will get bored.

Thanks for posting!

~Amy

I love this story, it's official.
I can't wait to read more and find out what happens next.