Young Writers Society

This is the story I told you about; the one that I just randomly kept adding to it as I went along... I wrote over 4,000 words in less the 3 hours.

The Beginning:
Noisy footsteps trampled through the metal corridors. Small red dots floated along the walls and piping, casting a haunted glow.
“Come on men! We’ve got to get ’er out this time!” a strong well-built solider yelled into his mask‘s microphone.
The small militia of four continued through the cold, long forgotten hallways.
“What level are we on sir?” a fellow soldier in the back called.
“N-five, three more to go, Foxtrot,” the front-man responded.
The group continued their course. After what seemed like several hours of aimlessly searching, they came upon level ‘N-8’.
“This is it kids; according to the plans, she should be in…” He paused as his flashlight shone upon several doors. “This one!” He jerked the handle open. Several alarms began to go off , red lights flashed around, casting eerie shadows of old computers.
“Get that thing shut off!” the lead-man screamed. One of the soldiers smashed the butt of his assault rifle against the keypad. Several strikes finally silenced the screeching alarms. Another soldier flicked a light on, to all of their surprise, the ancient fluorescent lights came to life. Revealing computers and wires, all of them connecting to a water-filled tank.
“Oh my God,” the soldier who had turned the lights on dropped his flashlight in amazement.
There, inside the tank was the non-responsive body of a young woman. At first appearance the soldiers thought she was nude, but she had a light skin-tight bodysuit, and a mask around her face, with a tube down her throat extending to a machine; to allow her to be fed without taking her out of the tank. Her body floated insensibly in the water. Her ghostly white eyes stared into nowhere, blinking automatically every few minutes.
“Well! Quit gawking and get her out!” the lead soldier commanded. All of them went straight to the computers.
“Sir, they’ve been able to maintain an even ninety-eight point six degrees! All of this time, all of these years she’s been floating in there senseless!” the soldier called Foxtrot said in amazement. Soft beads of sweat began to form on his forehead.
“Hurry up and get her out of there. The crown needs her! We all need her!”
“Yes sir, general, sir,” Foxtrot answered.
“General, none of these computers are programmed to release. Look, boys for the drainage button!” one of the soldiers shouted.
All five of them began throwing papers around, moving the research tools all around. After several minutes went by, one of the soldiers shouted,
“HERE!”
He slammed the large red button, and several lights began to flash. Slowly but surely the tank began to drain. The girl’s body shook with the contact of fresh air. She coughed and aimlessly flopped around the small floor of the tank.
“Get her out! She’ll go into shock!” the general yelled.
Carefully, Foxtrot hoisted himself over the plexiglas wall,
“Easy now,” he put his arm over her. She snapped and swung at him, fists connected with his full body armor. Foxtrot wanted to laugh, but felt pity for her at the same time. For the first time in almost three-hundred years the poor soul was freed.
“She can’t hear you! Shoot her with the injection I gave you, that should be enough to know her out!” the general barked.
Foxtrot managed to also, throw a punch at the girl.
“I’ll ask for forgiveness later,” he said as her body went limp. He quickly searched for the inoculation and pulled it out of a pocket. He quickly shoved the needle through her bodysuit and injected into her veins. He lifted her weightless body up over the side of the glass, a fellow soldier scooped her into his arms. After Foxtrot managed to get out of the tank, the five of them, along with the girl, ran through the corridors. By now, dozens of alarms began to go off. Their screeching and red lights, almost drove Foxtrot to madness.
“Forty minutes to destruction,” an electronic voice boomed.
They spent almost an hour tromping through the cold base. When they finally reached the first floor, all of the exit doors were barred. They ran all around the rooms searching for an outlet.
“Delta? DELTA! We’re trapped! Get an exit door open now!” the general screamed into his radio.
“Eight minutes to destruction,” the electronic voice sent chills through the general’s spine.
“This is Delta niner-niner Beta, we will be blasting the south-exit doors, please stand-by.” a voice from his headphones responded.
“Get back!” the general yelled. All of them ran into a corner and huddled down.
A large boom came from the south gate, sending debris flying through the air. Instantly they ran from their corner shuffling through the mayhem and into the outside world. Foxtrot breathed a deep sigh of relief for a slight second as they made it to the military helicopter.
“Does she need a medic?” the soldier inside asked.
“What do you think?!” Foxtrot cursed.
“You, attend to the girl. Delta, get us back to base now!”
As the helicopter began to lift off, a loud explosion came from the research laboratory. The large complex was abruptly engulfed in flames. A burst of air thrust the chopper forward, knocking Foxtrot unto the front of the cockpit.

The Beginning:
Noisy footsteps trampled through the metal corridors. Small red dots floated along the walls and piping, casting a haunted glow.

Okay, so I'm not really getting what these red dots are...Explain please.

“Get that thing shut off!” the lead-man screamed.

I don't know about you, but that sounds a bit odd, try maybe "Shut that thing off/up/down!"

“Yes sir, general, sir,” Foxtrot answered.

I don't really think you need the second "sir"

“General, none of these computers are programmed to release. Look, boys for the drainage button!” one of the soldiers shouted.

“Easy now,” he put his arm over her. She snapped and swung at him, fists connected with his full body armor.

Doesn't she still have that mask on, and the feeding tubes still in her?

Foxtrot wanted to laugh, but felt pity for her at the same time. For the first time in almost three-hundred years the poor soul was freed.

Ooooh...I like the way you're slowly revealing information, and the plots slowly picking up.

“She can’t hear you! Shoot her with the injection I gave you, that should be enough to know knock her out!” the general barked.

“Delta? DELTA! We’re trapped! Get an exit door open now!” the general screamed into his radio.
“Eight minutes to destruction,” the electronic voice sent chills through the general’s spine.
“This is Delta niner-niner Beta, we will be blasting the south-exit doors, please stand-by.” a voice from his headphones responded.
“Get back!” the general yelled. All of them ran into a corner and huddled down.
A large boom came from the south gate, sending debris flying through the air. Instantly they ran from their corner shuffling through the mayhem and into the outside world.

I can totally see what's going on, it's very movie like, and you described it perfectly.

As the helicopter began to lift off, a loud explosion came from the research laboratory. The large complex was abruptly engulfed in flames. A burst of air thrust the chopper forward, knocking Foxtrot unto the front of the cockpit.

Woo! Very Bond-esque loving it.

So overall it seems like a pretty interesting storyline. The whole beginning where they're running through the corridors I was thinking "Wow...reminds me somewhat of Star Wars." Then when they bust into the cell like laboratory thing, I couldn't help but laugh. But I liked it, so I guess I'll go an review the next part!

Hey Lil' Pet Rock (Got to love that name.)

This was difficult to read, to be honest. The grammar is all over the place, so there's a lot of places where I had to backtrack to work out what a sentence or phrase meant. My biggest hint is to say what you want to say aloud before typing it, that's the easiest way to spot if something isn't making sense.

Despite that the chapter has a bunch of soldiers running around (which tends to be really boring) you've added so much character it really brings a dull situation to life. I'm really curios as to what happens next, and I will say that this is a great opening chapter. I'm also kind of jelous that you can write 4000 words in three hours.

Hope this helps
-Ten

“What level are we on sir?” a fellow soldier in the back called.
“N-five, three more to go, Foxtrot,” the front-man responded.

People usually know where they are if they are going somewhere. It's when they have to make a quick escape that they need to ask where they are. "How much further" may be a better question to ask.

Several alarms began to go off , red lights flashed around, casting eerie shadows of old computers.
“Get that thing shut off!” the lead-man screamed. One of the soldiers smashed the butt of his assault rifle against the keypad. Several strikes finally silenced the screeching alarms.

There are a lot of things around, so maybe the leader can be more specific. Also, smashing an assault rifle against a keypad isn't necessarily a good way to stop an alarm. Blasting a speaker might though.

“Sir, they’ve been able to maintain an even ninety-eight point six degrees! All of this time, all of these years she’s been floating in there senseless!” the soldier called Foxtrot said in amazement. Soft beads of sweat began to form on his forehead.
“Hurry up and get her out of there. The crown needs her! We all need her!”
“Yes sir, general, sir,” Foxtrot answered.

Instead of using "Yes sir" Try "Yes General." Although it seems unlikely that a general would personally accompany a team of men on a high risk mission; that's what his subordinates are for.

Also, if she's been floating in 98.6 degree water, it's like being in a spa. So, she's been a spa for years now. When it comes to long term storage, people like to go with cryogenic freezing. The reason is because it slows down the metabolism of the body, so you don't have to keep feeding the body.

The downside with cryogenic freezing is that it might take a long time to wake people up. If you warm them up too quickly, they might die. If your person has been in 98.6 degree water though, she's already warm. She isn't likely to be in shock either, people use spas all the time and they don't suffer from shock as a result of it. Getting her dry would be handy, but they seem to be in a bit of a rush.

It might be more exciting if they decide to evacuate her tube, instead of trying to open it and then carry her out. Her revival could be moved to Chapter 2 instead.

Hi there. It's been a while since I did a review, and even longer since I did one for science fiction, but I've decided I love the genre after watching all the Star wars movies, so I had to do a critique.

I liked the concept, and wonder why she's in there. But I don't feel any connection with a character. You've written in an objective viewpoint, so I don't find myself caring about the characters. I don't know what the stakes are either, because you don't tell who the woman is, and why it's important that she be saved.

Jumping straight into the action like this is dangerous. Sometimes it can come off as spectacular, but I'm afraid in this instance it leaves me feeling detached. There's no investment in a character. Put it this way: I'm hoping some of the soldiers die so its less confusing keeping track of them all.

That being said, none of this has to go to waste. It would work, if we get to know the characters first. Put another scene before this which gives us their characters. That will act like the frame on a painting, to help bring this scene out. Start with action is a common misconception amongst amateur writers. Only this year I wrote a novel starting with action, and the first thing my mentor said was, "you need to start earlier." That's not to say start with something boring. What's normal to your characters in this sci-fi setting could be intriguing to us readers. You could even use that difference for comedic effect, which will be a brilliant hook. For example, the project I'm currently thinking about starts with a man jumping off a cliff and getting very bored on the way down. This is completely normal in his world, but to us Earthlings it's strange, and will (hopefully) grab the reader's curiosity. This is one of the strengths of Sci-Fi, so use it to its full potential.

On the content front, I found the language used by the soldiers to be quite convincing military speak. I think a few times you just threw in extra military jargon where it wasn't needed. E.g.

“Yes sir, general, sir,” Foxtrot answered.
“General, none of these computers are programmed to release. Look, boys for the drainage button!”

I also object to one of the soldiers' call signs being Foxtrot. Foxtrot is a radio phonetic, and is in my understanding, used to mark locations. Having a soldier called Foxtrot would cause undue confusion, which no military force would want.

Foxtrot managed to also, throw a punch at the girl.

Bad, bad, bad. Knocking someone unconscious is a serious matter. It can result in long term brain damage. After conducting this risky mission to save this presumably important woman, they wouldn't punch her to knock her out. Why couldn't the other soldiers just hold her down while Foxtrot injected her.

The most important piece of advice to take away from this is the first one. Tighten the point of view. That alone should help make the reader identify with a character. The other things are mostly trivial research errors, and have nothing to do with your writing skill, but they are important to maintain credibility.

I'll try and review the next part tomorrow. Until then.