Young Writers Society

“Don’t screw up today. B’cos if you fuck this up we’re all dead, you understand?” his gaze

“C’mon now, we have to go now, we’ll have thing done before you pansy ass will be late from five o’clock tea,” he smiled, aiming for reassuring but missing by a mile.

would waver from Aaron's bowed face.

Thoughts raced in Aaron's head like race horses in the derby.

Lord Anzius wrote:The troopers soon all woke up, and started to gear up. Repetition of "up". Aside from that, this is not the most interesting of sentences, even though it's only a second part of the chapter. It tells, rather than shows, again. Bang carried his usual gear out from a chest which carried Repetition of "carried". the quite unimaginative title of “Bang’s box”. Lauri jumped down from the truck and reached under itsemi-colon he pulled out a U.S. Army M110 SASS sniper rifle. A big black man -since lets face it every cool army team has to have a big black man on them- called Samedi came out carrying an honest-to-God minigun with him. When did you start the snide asides to the reader? There's one comment about lack of imagination and then we have the comment about black members of the army. Personally, I find it out of place within your usually fairly serious style. I'd take them out and start taking yourself seriously. If you don't, who will? Harri took a FN F2000 from under the trucksemi-colon or full stop the Belgian gun had become standard issue in the FOF after the war had started. He also strapped a pump action shotgun to his back.

As little as I know about weapons, this really doesn't strike me as the most interesting paragraph. Perhaps it would be to a weapons enthusiast, but I don't think the average YA will really follow. To be honest, wherever you've described a gun, I still read "gun". Not everyone is as disinterested as I am in that kind of thing, though, so don't cut it entirely. I'd tone it down though, definitely.

They all assembled outside and waited for the newbie and Henry to get out. Henry was their trump card on this mission, a stealthy soldier recruited from the British secret service. The newbie was also from Britain, but well, he was a newbie.

Henry stared intently at Aaron, his eyes almost drilling into him.

“Don’t screw up today. B’cos if you fuck this up we’re all dead, you understand?” His gaze would waver from Aaronapostrophes bowed face. The newbie didn’t have the will power to even withstand a simple stare from Henry, and that of all things made Henry fear for his life. “C’mon now, we have to go now, we’ll have this thing done before you pansy ass will be late from five o’clock teafull stop.” He smiled, aiming for reassuring but missing by a mile.
The newbie tried to answer the gesture, but failed almost as badly as Henry had and just settled for a nod. I don't really know what you mean here. Again, I'm not engaged.

They hopped out of the truck with their gear onfull stop. Harri looked at themcomma frustration shining naked from his facefull stop. “What took you two so long?”
Henry just shrugged and walked pastfull stop. Newbie soon followed suite.

Okay, you really need to sort your punctuation out. That was probably the worst section in terms of punctuation that I've read from you, which shows that you can do better. Proof-read beforehand and think a little more carefully about what you're writing.

Thoughts raced in Aaronapostrophes head like race horses in the derby. He was sweating like a pig and he felt scared, pure naked fear for what they had to do soon.
True, true his team was full of professional killers but that didn’t really reassure him in the face of a few hundred armed militia craving for an excuse to kill them all, although –now that he thought about it- the militia didn’t really need an excuse to kill them now did they? This is an incredibly long sentence, unusually, and it feels like you're rambling to fill the space.
How did I get myself into this, he whined inside his own head.

It had all stared on a bright sunny day for Aaron, who had just been sent home from the British camp in southern Afghan. He couldn't have been happier to get out of that “Devilapostrophes nest” as he himself put it. He was so happy indeed that he was whistling all the way home to his cramped apartment in the further edges of east London in Havering.
As a well behaved Englishmancomma he of course first put on the tea kettle and set the table for himself and then he checked his post. He scattered all the post onto his petite wooden kitchen table and made himself a cup of tea. People told him that drinking afternoon tea was old fashioned but he would not hear of itfull stop. Five o’clock tea was tradition in his family and by traditioncomma traditions weren’t broken in his bloodline!

I'm English, and to be honest, I find this stereotypical and bordering on just lazy. We don't all sit around drinking tea all the time, actually, and I don't know of anyone who has afternoon tea, much less a soldier. Don't work up the English stereotype just because you can. Give Aaron a proper character and a real quirk, rather than the generic English persona that hasn't actually existed for the last fifty years.

So he scattered through the mail until his hands set onto a letter that looked more demanding than all the others.
From His Majesty's Armed Forcescomma it read. [bIs Prince Charles king in this story? Oh, lord.[/b] Aaron sipped his tea and ripped the letter open and started to read.

Good day.
Corporal Aaron Young, as you may know His Majesty’s Armed Forces has been working in cooperation with the Finnish FOF for some years now. As the result of various agreements with themcomma His Majesty’s Forces have been able to accomplish many things and so have the FOF. Now has come the time to fulfill another of those agreements.
We are now looking for able and skilled soldiers to go as reinforcement troops into the FOF. You have been chosen as one of these men. Know that this is not a command and that you can alsways say no, but also know that if you are to agree with this request it shall not be over looked.
Regardscomma His Majesty’s Armed Forces. How can the Forces be writing a letter? That's a concept, not a way to sign off a letter.

It hadn’t been longcomma till and Aaron was already on his way to Finland.