z

Young Writers Society


Why Ch. 11



User avatar
277 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 6070
Reviews: 277
Sat Mar 11, 2006 2:48 am
Black Ghost says...



Molly drove silently in the night, headed towards the small grocery store near the park. Her mind was racing with fear and dread as she wondered what in the world could have happened to her poor Joe. She dared not think about it. All she knew was that she had to get to her son as fast as she could.

Then she heard sirens behind her.

Oh, no, the cops! I must have been speeding! she thought in worry.

But to her relief the police drove past her...towards the park. Molly continued driving, constantly on the verge of tears. Janet kept calling her, but Molly didn't pick up the phone. Whatever Janet would tell her she would surely figure out once she reached the park.

Molly turned the last corner and was faced with police cars surrounding the grocery store. Caution tape was put all around the crime scene, and many police could be seen talking. Parking her car, Molly quickly ran up to the caution tape, when a police officer stopped her.

"Sorry, Ma'am, this is a closed crime scene, no civilians." he told her.

"But my son is in there!" she cried, "My son, Joe. Please let me go in!"

"You’re the mother?" he asked, "Well then, go on in, although it won't be pretty." The police officer saw the color drain from Molly's face.

"No, no! Your son's fine! He’s just been injured." he said hurriedly. Molly took deep breaths as she made her way to the store's entrance.

The world seemed to slow down for Molly as she opened the door to the grocery store. Many police officers looked at her as she passed, but she paid no attention. Then she saw Joe. Paramedics were loading him onto a stretcher.

Molly put her hand to her mouth and burst out in tears as she looked at Joe’s swollen, blood stained face. She ran up to the stretcher and put her head on his chest.

“Oh, Joe, what happened to you!” she exclaimed, the tears streaming down her face.

“Excuse me, Ma’am, but the boy’s unconscious.” The paramedic told her as he lightly laid a hand on her shoulder, “We’re going to take him to the hospital, and you can ride in the back with him.”

Molly tried to pull herself together. She stood up straight and wiped the tears off her face. She caressed Joe’s cheek with her hand, wondering how she could ever had let anything like this happen to her only son.

“Is he going to be all right?” she asked, choking back tears.

“Yes, after being bandaged up, and a few trips to the dentist, he’ll be right as rain,” the paramedic said with a smile.

Molly then turned back to Joe. “Who did this to him?” she said, new tears forming, but this time they were hot tears of anger.

“I don’t know, but I think the burglar is back in the other room.” The paramedic said, pointing.

“Well soon they’re gonna have a reason to put me in handcuffs,” Molly said under her breath.

No one hurts my son and gets off that easy, she thought, stomping over to the backroom of the store. An officer spotted her and quickly grabbed her arm.

“I’m sorry, you can’t go back there,” he said firmly, “There’s an investigation of the scene going on.”

“What are they investigating?” Molly said, wrenching her arm out of the policeman’s grasp, “Some guy came in and tried to rob the place. You just put him in handcuffs and the whole things over!”

She pushed her way through the other officers to the next room when she saw something gruesome. She stopped short of the entrance to the room, staring.

Police were buzzing in the room, and Molly could see a small boy huddled in the corner, being asked questions. But in the dead center of the room, the robber lay on the floor, in a pool of blood.

He had shot himself in the head.
Last edited by Black Ghost on Sat Nov 11, 2006 10:40 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





User avatar
614 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1106
Reviews: 614
Sat Mar 11, 2006 10:17 am
Swires says...



Again a good installment of this very intrigueing tale. I liked it.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
  





User avatar
324 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 324
Sat Mar 11, 2006 10:56 pm
-KayJuran- says...



Aaaghhh! No, you can't do this to me! I want to know what happened. Why'd the guy shoot himself in the head?! It doesn't make any sense!! You've gotta post the next chapter soon or I'm actually going to go crazy with wondering what's going to happen next. Too much suspense!!!

Ahem. I will *try* to ignore the urge to start talking to myself in my madness, and critique this instead. Let's see...

Molly rode silently in the night


^ Hmm. She's in a car right? If so, I'd have put 'drove' and not 'rode'.

But then she heard sirens behind her.

Oh, no, the cops! I must have been speeding! she thought in worry.

But to her relief the police drove past her


^ That's two sentences beginning with 'but' very close together. Maybe you could take one of them away, just so it doesn't seem so repetitive..(?)

Janet kept calling her, though Molly didn't feel like talking.


^ I don't think you actually say whether she picks up the phone to speak to her or not. You say what she wants, but not what she does.

police could be seen in conversation.


^ Maybe it would be easier just to say they could be seen talking.

"Well then go on in, although it won't be pretty."


^ I think you should put a comma after 'then'. Also, I'm pretty sure it'd be better to use 'though' than 'although'.

Molly took deep breaths as she walked inside the store.

The world seemed to slow down for Molly as she opened the door to the grocery store.


^ Okay, so first she's walking inside, and then she opens the door? I'm not sure this bit makes sense, though it's easy to find something to fix it. How about the world seems to slow down as she's walking/hurrying through the store? Hmm, something like that anyways..

while at the same time new ones were forming.


^ This is okay, but you could probably word it better. It's sort of awkward at the moment..

sniffling back tears.


^ Is 'sniffling' a word? I'd guess you meant 'sniffing', but correct me if I'm wrong. I think 'choking back tears' might sound a bit better.

when she saw why they needed to investigate.


^ sort of awkward again, but I can't really say why. Maybe it's just me.

Police were buzzing in the room, and Molly could see a small boy huddled in the corner, being asked questions. But in the dead center of the room, the robber lay on the floor, in a pool of blood.

He had shot himself in the head.


^ Cliffhanger = good. But it's absolutely killing me, not being able to turn to the next page and see what happens next.. I hope the next part's coming soon; I need answers!!


(Hope I helped...)


~KayJuran~
  








I'm getting nachos~
— BluesClues