Young Writers Society

Hey there!

I didn't enjoy this one as much as your last ones. I guess because it didn;t have the bang that the first chapter had. I also found the last line about the firing a bit childish. I didn't expect that from the character. I don;'t know if it was the tone of voice or something, but I could imagine a 9 year old saying that after she's been denied her favourite toy.

I also found the structure to be a bit uneven in places. Some paragraphs had too short lines, and other had too long lines. Ithought that you need to edit the structure to match the subtlety of the writing. Hopes this help you (sorry, I'm not usually this harsh XD)

'I smiled. “Yeah, people just love punishing me. My old friends, my mom and probably my sister too when I get home.” I said and lay back in the grass. “I hate siblings! I hate friends and family who all want to control you, and I can’t stand it anymore. I don’t wanna end up like my sisters.” '

Your doing a good job with the dialoge its very good! Your characters are great! Good job

Keep writing,
Narnialover4ever1

I found this chapter kind of okay . There are a few typing error's , nothing major , but once your done writing your work review it just once .
" his white hair flying back and revealing the old scar on his forehead."
when you say "the old scar" , its kind of like she know's how he got it , but they're just new friends so it doesn't make that much of sense .
"Lucy this is my friends Kayla and Kyle – they’re brother and sister. And Kayla and Kyle, this is my friend Lucy.”
When you this it stands for one friend , but your talking about both of them so it would be these are my friends

Yeah and I guess that's it ! can't wait to read chapter five !
-Tanya / tanya98