z

Young Writers Society


Flying



User avatar
167 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 7459
Reviews: 167
Mon Sep 12, 2011 12:54 am
View Likes
confetti says...



Flying


It wasn’t a hard decision. Once I had the idea, it made so much sense that I barely had to think twice about it. Jump or suffocate. When pressed with that quick decision, I would gratefully take the former any day. But that’s just me; many others who were faced with this choice would never jump. Perhaps they were too scared of the fall, or maybe the idea never crossed their minds. If I had a chance to choose again, I wouldn’t change my decision. For those ten seconds that I was falling, I felt alive. I know what you might be thinking – why not pick neither? That wasn’t an option.
It had happened with a sudden jolt and a fierce lurch. The towers were built to sway in high winds, it was part of their design, but I knew that they weren’t meant to sway like that. My grip on the desk was tight as I struggled to keep my balance. Others around me were doing the same, looking around with wide, terror-stricken eyes. No one knew what was going on.
The building eventually stopped rumbling, but it brought no relief to the faces of people around me. Through an open window, heavy, dark smoke began to circle in. It engulfed my lungs as I dropped to the floor, heaving and gasping. Some of my co-workers were doing the same, and some were rushing to the other windows in futile attempts to gain fresh air.
It wasn’t long before I felt dizzy. Clean air was thin by that point, nearly non-existent. I didn’t know how long it had been – a minute? Two? I had brought my shirt up to cover my face, using the perspiration to my advantage.
In a zombie-like trance, I reached into the pocket of my jeans, searching for my cell phone. My hand wrapped around its cold frame, and I brought it out, flipping it open. With shaking thumbs, I dialed my wife’s number. She answered on the third ring in a frantic voice.
“Oh thank God, I’ve been trying to reach you. Where are you? Do you know about the planes? Are you okay?”
My heart thudded painfully at her words. Planes? I had no clue what she was talking about. When I didn’t answer, her voice rang through the speaker again. “Noah? Baby, where are you?”
“The 105th floor,” I replied. My voice was so hoarse that I didn’t know if she would be able to hear me, but somehow she managed.
“Can you get out?”
I didn’t know the answer to her question and the smoke was clouding my thoughts. “What happened?” I slumped against the nearest desk.
“A plane crashed into the south tower. Please, I need to know that you’ll be okay.”
“A plane crash?” My stomach churned at the words. “Where are you?”
“At home,” she said, almost cautiously.
The smoke was getting thicker by the second and I knew that breathing would soon become impossible. I was going to suffocate.
“I love you,” I said, wheezing.
“I love you too, Noah. Please get out, I-” I didn’t let her finish, the phone slipped from my grip. Luckily, that was the goodbye I needed. Please get out. Yes, that’s exactly what I needed to do.
My body felt numb and my lungs were raw, but I stood with determination. The smoke made it difficult to see, so I ran my hands along the wall until I reached the window. Except it didn’t feel like a window, it felt like freedom.
Jumping was something I could control, a decision I could make. And so as I settled myself around the window, preparing for the end, I felt empowered. The terrorists couldn’t control my fate. It was all mine.
When I pushed myself out of the window, I revelled in the fresh air. For that short moment before I hit the ground, I felt free. It felt like flying.

Spoiler! :
I wanted to write a story about 9/11, so I chose to write about the people who jumped (or fell, we really cannot be sure) from the floors above where the airplanes crashed into the towers. This work was inspired by the documentary "The Falling Man", and the photograph: here. Anyways, enjoy, I'd love some opinions and reviews!
Last edited by confetti on Wed Oct 19, 2011 3:52 am, edited 3 times in total.
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss
  





User avatar
84 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1148
Reviews: 84
Mon Sep 12, 2011 1:23 am
View Likes
briggsy1996 says...



Hi there!
So, I've seen the picture of the falling man, and I knew as I was reading this that you had probably based it off of that picture! This was very powerful to read, because usually we look at the 9/11 from our own point of view and how we as outsiders remember it. I like how you chose to write from this man's perspective, because sometimes we forget to take the time to think about what it must have been like for those individuals.
Congrats for writing in such a capturing, personal way. I think you truly have gift.
-Briggsy :)
but the sky is love and i am for you
just so long and long enough
-E.E. Cummings
  





User avatar
53 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2394
Reviews: 53
Mon Sep 12, 2011 1:56 am
View Likes
Ranger51 says...



Nice! I remember I watched some footage of 9/11, and when I heard all these bangs, I thought it was the steel supports giving. Then I was told that it was bodies hitting the ground, and I got goosebumps... So this was really haunting for me. I liked it. Keep writing!
"We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?"
-Fahrenheit 451
  





User avatar
280 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Male
Points: 14013
Reviews: 280
Mon Sep 12, 2011 2:11 am
View Likes
joshuapaul says...



I would normally be loath to read a 9/11 tribute on the ten year anniversary of 9/11, I'm not one for the sentiment. But it's you, so I read it and I am glad I did. Anyway I will let you know this is good. I enjoyed it, thoroughly. And you continue to take steps, progress as a writer. The tacky sentiments that plagued your writing in the past are for the most part absent. That is until...

When I pushed myself out of the window, reveling in the fresh air, I felt warm, happy.


It's too sudden, I'm afraid. Don't reach for happy, make your protaganist accepting at most, certainly not happy.
Other than that the end is really well done. I may be back with more notes.

Well done,

JP
Read my latest
  





User avatar
57 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 1202
Reviews: 57
Sat Oct 15, 2011 5:12 pm
WaywardBird says...



Alright, so since you helped me out on my story, I get to help you out on yours. I picked the one with the least comments- here's me helping to the best of my ability. :)


I don't believe the towers SWAYED per-se. I think they shuddered, perhaps, but not sway, and if it were to the degree that the narrator felt, I don't beleive the steal beams could take the pressure....

When you're saying the smoke engulfed your lungs, I don't think 'engulfed' is the right word here. Keep it if you want though; I'm just thinking about the verb's specifics...

A plane crashed into the two towers," In my humble opinion, I don't think this is specific enough. If he's worked there, he'll know the buildings, and so would his wife. Wasn't it the South tower that was hit first? Plus the singular plane and the plural towers kind of ruins the horror-effect...

A human being has a vicious will to live. I have to agree with JP on this one; the ending is too sudden. What did he see as he walked towards the window? What were his co-workers doing? How did the ledge feel as he tipped over. Why didn't he check the elavators? the stairs? Why doesn't he fight? How does he already know it was a terrorist attack? The world had no idea what had really happened until like, two hours later, when the rubble and dust had settled. I just think you need more detail, is all, grab the reader by the throat and make them look, make then read.

A worthy story. It was an awful day. A terrifying day. Many don't realize that people jumped. Many don't realized that the people would rather fly and die from a heart-attack on the way down that burn alive. Many don't realize that people even got killed as they ran from the building, hit by the leapers who just wanted to survive as well. Writing something like this is a huge undertaking. If yoiu don't capture the moment you risk ruining it. I would perscribe more detail. More thought. Hold a single moment in this story and write every detail, then move one and describe the next moment. A very gripping idea, it just needs a little fleshing out, is all. Thanks again, and I hope this story can be revisited, it's a good one.
Latina est TUMOROSUS senes ita sortem.
  








An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
— Unknown