z

Young Writers Society


Country Boy: Chapter 2, part 1



User avatar
1735 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: None specified
Points: 91930
Reviews: 1735
Fri Oct 07, 2011 2:36 am
BluesClues says...



Three Fridays later found him packing. His father’s party wasn’t until the following Friday, but Todd had invited him to stay the week, so he was leaving the next day.

Also, he wanted to go to Yeehaw’s tonight.

When he finished packing, he walked the three blocks to the bar, leaving the dog whining back in the apartment. It had become a nice-looking dog over the past month and proved very susceptible to training, but it experienced separation anxiety whenever Jack left the apartment without it. Which was half the reason Jack had decided to bring it to Michigan with him; he didn’t want it to think he was abandoning it. The other reason was for the sake of having some company on the drive.

Yeehaw’s seemed more crowded and raucous than usual, but maybe, he thought, the bar had always been this rowdy and it was only his month of solitude that made him think this amount of noise unusual. The idiots were at their customary place by the bull, bellowing and waving their hats at whoever was getting whiplash at the moment. A crowd of wild-eyed college kids crammed together at the bar, flirting and watching the game and doing shots every time their team made a basket. Jack headed for his usual corner booth, but three burly middle-aged men and a busty middle-aged woman were in it.

“Hey!”

It was his waitress, wearing the biggest, warmest grin he’d seen on her face yet. He realized suddenly that he didn’t know her name. He felt ashamed. But he couldn’t see a way to rectify the situation without looking like an asshole or an idiot.

“I haven’t seen you around for a while,” she said, setting down the tray in her arms. She gave him a quick hug, which surprised him, though not in an unpleasant way. He’d just decided he was happy about it when she slipped away again. “Thought you’d retired from the rodeo and gone off to Florida or something.”

For a moment he wondered how she’d known he used to be in rodeo. Then he realized she was talking about his ride on the mechanical bull.

“Figured I’d quit while I was ahead,” he said. “You know. Retire at the top.”

“And how,” she said, grinning. “No one else has managed it yet. You want a Pabst?”

“Yeah, thanks,” he said. Her nametag flashed as she walked away. He made a mental note to look at it later. Had they always worn nametags here? He couldn’t remember. He pulled up a barstool and pulled the brim of his hat down, trying to ignore the college kids’ alcohol-fueled mating rituals.

“Little early for them to be getting drunk, isn’t it?” he asked when his waitress returned with the Pabst. He snuck a glance at her nametag. HELLO MY NAME IS ADELE. Adele. He felt slightly less idiotic.

She shrugged.

“They don’t really care what time it is. They’re here every day that they don’t have class.” She caught him looking longingly at his corner booth and laughed. “If you like I can go kick them out of your seat.”

Jack shook his head and sipped his Pabst.

“It’s alright,” he said. “I’m not staying long tonight. Really just stopped by to say hello.”

“What!” She put her hands on her hips, but her head was cocked and she was smiling. “A month away and then just a quick stop by? What’s up with you, Jackie-boy?”

He pushed up the brim of his hat and sighed.

“It’s complicated,” he said.

“I’m off at ten,” Adele offered. Jack studied her. He decided she wasn’t pressing or curious – just offering and maybe a little concerned.

“I’ll wait,” he said.

That’s how he found himself taking the long way back to his apartment two hours later. They walked slowly with their hands shoved deep into the pockets of their jeans. Adele broke the silence first, a block out from the bar.

“So what kept you, Jack?” she asked.

He didn’t know what to say, and he felt stupid for it. He was supposed to be talking; that’s why she was walking with him. But how was he supposed to explain? After eight years of living in various cities, he’d suddenly started feeling homesick. Was he supposed to tell her that? Was he supposed to tell her about the idiotic late-night drive he’d taken just because he’d been starved for a glimpse of the stars? “Starved for a glimpse of the stars,” that sounded stupid. He wasn’t going to tell her that.

“I’m going home,” he said.

Immediately he felt like smacking himself. What did he tell her that for? That had nothing to do with his not coming to Yeehaw’s. It had nothing to do with anything whatsoever.

“Home to Michigan?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, my dad’s turning sixty-eight and my mom wants me home for the party…”

He looked at her. She was chewing on a thumbnail.

“What’s eating you?” he asked.

She stopped chewing her thumbnail.

“Can I come with you?” she asked.

They were almost to West 55th, but they stopped walking and stood staring at each other.

“I – what?” Jack said.

“I want to come with you. My parents live in Mt. Clemens, they want me home for my birthday on Wednesday but I don’t have a car. Or the money to rent one. Or to pay for gas. Or – well, I just don’t have money, is my point… So if I can – if it’s not out of the way I mean—”

“It’s not,” he said. Who was he kidding, of course it was out of the way. He’d have to drive too far west and then backtrack twenty-five miles to his parents’ house, and gas was three fifty-nine and she didn’t have money to help him pay for it. All that flashed through his mind, and then he said, “Sure, you can come with me. How old are you gonna be?”

“Twenty-eight,” she said. “When are we leaving?”

“Right now, if you want.”

“That is tempting, but I don’t have anything with me.”

“Right,” Jack said. “In that case, tomorrow morning. Here.” He grabbed her hand, led her to the corner, and pointed down West 55th. “See that big brick building down there on the left? The one with the columns and the white trim? That’s my building. I’ll be waiting outside at nine.”

Adele smiled at him.

“I’ll be there,” she said. She slipped her hand out of his and headed back up 7th. He’d forgotten he was still holding it. He walked slowly to his apartment, feeling unaccountably pleased. He ought to be annoyed, he told himself, that this girl he hardly knew had had the impertinence to ask if she could accompany him on a road trip. Instead he was glad to have company.

The pointer barked joyfully the moment he walked through the door, jumping up to lick his face. He patted it absent-mindedly. He’d forgotten to mention that a hyperactive, separation-anxiety-prone dog would be coming with them. What if she was allergic to dogs? What if she just didn’t like them? Well, he thought as he filled a bowl with dog food, if that was the case, she could find a different ride to Michigan! But he couldn’t help feeling a sense of letdown at the potential loss of her company as he went through his nightly routine and tossed and turned beneath his quilt.

The pointer whined at the foot of the bed. Jack looked at his alarm clock. Nearly one a.m.

“Shit,” he said, and he rolled over to go to sleep.
Last edited by BluesClues on Sat Oct 22, 2011 3:59 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





User avatar
43 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 560
Reviews: 43
Sat Oct 08, 2011 3:33 pm
Lemikita says...



Great!

I really liked this chapter. I don't know, I would have thought this would be a difficult chapter to write for you. But you managed really well and even put in a great plot twist nobody would have expected.

I really didn't expect her to come along, but this opens up a whole new box of possibilities.

The only thing that kind of bothered me was this: He thinks that he has only two options: sleep in a hotel or in the car, but they could split up so one of them sleeps in the car and the other in the hotel. Only, that would probably be her and she doesn't have the money for a hotel. (How is she getting back, by the way?)

Anyways, that was it, other than that, I am looking forward to their road trip! :)

~Lemikita
  





User avatar
816 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 44887
Reviews: 816
Sat Oct 22, 2011 1:54 am
Shearwater says...



Hey, Blue!

Sorry I've been late to get to chapter two, I certainly haven't forgotten about it. I was just a bit busy. Anyway, we'll go on with the review!

Firstly, it's a nice second chapter and I like how you're giving Jack a little more characteristics. Now, he's getting confused, worried and feels a sense of something given that we have Adele coming with him on the road trip and all. This makes him seem more like a real person. In the beginning, he felt a bit sulky and boring but just mysterious enough where we want to know what's he got in his pockets.

My real only peeve about this is the fact that he's letting the waitress come tag along with him just like that. As far as I know, they don't really have any deep connection or anything I guess that's where the whole excitement is supposed to come from. But I still find it a little odd that Jack, who doesn't seem like the 'company' kind of guy would go out of his way to let this girl tag along with him. Was he getting too lonely? If so, maybe you should add some more scenes or something to indicate that it's loneliness that makes him take a step on the wild side.

Overall, it's all good so far. Not many grammatical nitpicks or anything but I still feel like you're holding back on some emotions and details. I'm sure you'll take care of that in the after chapters though. Sorry for the quick review, I was planning on something a little bit more detailed but time is not on my side these days.

I also noticed you've posted more parts for this, I'll be sure to review them soon!

All the best,
-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  








If you want something badly, you just gotta believe it's gonna work out.
— Andy, Parks & Rec