Young Writers Society

I wake up to the sunny outside shining in but the frost still on the window so I roll over and look at the clock 7:50am. Thinking what am I doing awake at this time the I think about my dream that I was having still blurry to me.

I'm being carried throw the air of the night not aware what was happening more confused by the second. After what felt like days I was put on a piece of something cold and feeling the warmth leave me so I started to cry. A light came on and I heard some strange noises and felt being lifted and save.

That is how my dream ends every time I have it. Geting nothing from it more then the last time.

Now all I hear is a womans voice calling up the stairs asking if i'm awake yet i want to say no but I yell back “yes mom i'm awake i'll be down in a second.”
“Ok Dustin hurry up your breakfast is done” she awsered back.

Dustin what a great name for a 15 year old skinny semi-tall boy that has short black hair and brown eyes and tan skin. Mom said to me count less time most girl would die to have a chance to date me well still single i'm starting to think she lied to me. My mom is a blond haired woman in her forties she is short and I think she is a great cook.

I throw on a blue t-shirt and a black hoodie some dark blue jeans off the floor and head down stairs to see what was on my plate today. I enter the room my dad is siting there drinking a cup of blue juice. I sit down “hi dad hows the drink you made today tasting.”
you see my dad is a business man making a new drink that is healthy and good for the world but he wants it to help people get energy from it. But I know my dad will get this one on the shelf with his great speaking and how he looks. My dad is a tall muscular man with my black hair ,brown hair and, my tan skin he is the best man you will ever get to meet.
“The drink is good son but the energy part of the drink not what i would like it to be so im going to the lab today to get it done for tomorrows meeting.”
“That sounds good” i say as my mom put down a plate of pancakes,eggs and,bacon. “Thank you mom.”
The door bell rings.
“Dustin can you please get that” mom asks
I get up and walk to the door and when i open it i see a man standing there looking at me. He looks like he is 28 in a leather jacket and wearing a pair of sunglasses and some black pants.
“Hello is your parents around and if they are can I talk to them” the man asked
I yelled for my parents and when they looked at the man they lost all colour in there faces.

nice...

Hi there,

Ok, quite a few points. First of all, there are a number of spelling/grammar/punctuation errors.

I wake up to the sunny outside shining in but the frost still on the window so I roll over and look at the clock 7:50am. Thinking what am I doing awake at this time the I think about my dream that I was having still blurry to me.

It should read "I woke up to the sun outside shining in..." Also "Thinking what am I doing awake at this time, then I think about my dream..."

I'm being carried throw the air of the night not aware what was happening more confused by the second. After what felt like days I was put on a piece of something cold and feeling the warmth leave me so I started to cry. A light came on and I heard some strange noises and felt being lifted and save.

It's carried through not throw. There needs to be a comma after days and 'so' should be replaced with 'and.'

That is how my dream ends every time I have it. Geting nothing from it more then the last time.

'Getting' is missing a 't'

Now all I hear is a womans voice calling up the stairs asking if i'm awake yet i want to say no but I yell back “yes mom i'm awake i'll be down in a second.”

Make sure you capitalise your I's and words at the beginning of dialogue. There should also be a comma after 'mom.'

“Ok Dustin hurry up your breakfast is done” she awsered back.

Comma after Dustin. Answered is spelt wrong.

Dustin what a great name for a 15 year old skinny semi-tall boy that has short black hair and brown eyes and tan skin. Mom said to me count less time most girl would die to have a chance to date me well still single i'm starting to think she lied to me. My mom is a blond haired woman in her forties she is short and I think she is a great cook.

Again, a comma after Dustin and commas between '15 year old, skinny, semi-tall boy...' Countless is one word. It should be girls not girl (plural) You should put a full stop after 'date me.' And a comma after 'Well, still single.' and another full stop. A full stop is needed after 'in her forties.

I throw on a blue t-shirt and a black hoodie some dark blue jeans off the floor and head down stairs to see what was on my plate today. I enter the room my dad is siting there drinking a cup of blue juice. I sit down “hi dad hows the drink you made today tasting.”

Start the dialogue on the next line and be sure to indent it. Capitalise the 'Hi...' as it is the beginning of a new sentence.

you see my dad is a business man making a new drink that is healthy and good for the world but he wants it to help people get energy from it. But I know my dad will get this one on the shelf with his great speaking and how he looks. My dad is a tall muscular man with my black hair ,brown hair and, my tan skin he is the best man you will ever get to meet.

Capitalise 'You' and put a comma after 'see.' No comma is needed after the 'and' in your character description.

“The drink is good son but the energy part of the drink not what i would like it to be so im going to the lab today to get it done for tomorrows meeting.”

Capitalise the 'I' and an apostrophe in 'tomorrow's'

“That sounds good” i say as my mom put down a plate of pancakes,eggs and,bacon. “Thank you mom.”

Again, capitalise your I's and start new dialogue on a new indented line.

I get up and walk to the door and when i open it i see a man standing there looking at me. He looks like he is 28 in a leather jacket and wearing a pair of sunglasses and some black pants.

Capitalise the I's

“Hello is your parents around and if they are can I talk to them” the man asked

It should read 'Hello, are your parents around...'

I yelled for my parents and when they looked at the man they lost all colour in there faces.

It should be 'their' not 'there.'

The story flows fine, some of the writing style is a little immature. The way you give your descriptions is a little bit too 'forward.' Try to avoid reeling off a list (15 year old, skinny, semi-tall...) Because you are writing from a first person narrative, you need to write as though this person is speaking to the reader and characters tend to get their descriptions of themselves across in a more subtle way rather than telling the reader exactly. If you fix this along with the problems I have pointed out in regards to your spelling/punctuation/grammar mistakes and maybe revise the story and make it more readable and the writing more sophisticated, you could have the potential for a good story.

Hope that helps!

Becki

Hey there.

Since bexy was so thorough on the spelling and grammar, I won't be mentioning anything about them, except to say that proofreading is always a good idea. Most word processors, like OpenOffice (which is free) and Microsoft Word, come with spelling checkers built-in, which are really useful (though you shouldn't always trust them). If you aren't already using a word processor with built-in spellcheck, I suggest you start; it makes proofreading much easier.

That said, this chapter felt very short, mostly due to the pacing. I liked that you kept the introductory parts nice and brief (a really good way to kill a story is to drag out introducing characters forever), but when you got to the action, it moved so fast, there wasn't any time for any suspense to build up.

Try adding in a bit more description and character reaction to slow things down and show us just how serious the man's visit is. Another thing you can do is play with sentence length and paragraphing a bit. Compare these two pieces:

I went to the store and bought a pair of perfect shoes.

with

I was out shoe shopping the other day. It was horrible. No one carried non-retarded shoes in my size.

I'd almost given up on finding a pair to replace my stinky sneakers, so ancient they had nonexistent stitching, when I saw them.

It was just a flash of color out of the corner of my eye, but it was enough. There, through the window of an outlet I never shop at, all the way in the back of the store, were a styling pair of Nikes for Her.

With my heart pounding inside my chest, I hurried into the outlet as fast as my sexy stilettos would take me, but not so fast that people would stare. Once inside, I tottered over to the back display and began searching for a pair in my size.

I found none.

As the sinking stone of disappointment settled in my stomach, my only thought was that the display looked like it was my size and— Wait! The display looked like it was in my size!

With shaking hands, I grabbed the display shoe, dropped it onto the floor, and slid my foot in.

It fit.

And I rejoiced.

The second one is (hopefully) more interesting to read because it draws the events out a bit and details the character's reaction to the whole situation.

If you could draw things out more with the man's arrival, this chapter would be much more interesting.

Well I think everyone caught all the stuff that I was going to mention, so.... I'll just say keep writing!

Deathcurrent

Ok i will do that next time but that was a test run. I was thinking that in the first chapter I wanted to leave readers wanting to want to read on and be interested like it's a book they can't put down. I find when I reading some books like Eragon and Twilght and they have spelling error's.