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Young Writers Society


The Lost Light



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15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1019
Reviews: 15
Tue Oct 25, 2011 12:13 am
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FutureFamousWriter says...



PROLOGUE
16 YEARS AGO


The stars in the night sky gleamed ahead as the Light family ran for their lives. As the head royal family of vampires, it was crucial for them to outrun the dreaded Mori chasing them. They ran at an abnormal speed across a meadow and into a forest.
“Faster!” yelled Mark Light, who was carrying his baby girl Faith in his arms and leading the group. His two brothers and their wives trailed behind him with their children. James was ushering Beth, who was clinging to their son, Michael. David, the youngest of the three brothers, was running alongside his wife Lily. He was carrying their twins, with Jack in his arms and Mitchell on his back.
Suddenly there was a grunt, then a scream coming from the back of the group.
“James!” Beth cried, and then let out another gut-wrenching scream.
Everyone stopped running and turned around to help James fight the Mori that had caught up to them. Mark reached around Lily to pluck Michael from Beth’s hands before she dragged him into the fray. He shoved Faith and Michael into David’s arms.
“Get the kids to safety and I’ll protect Lily. You’re too young and not strong enough to fight the Mori,” Mark said, before he rushed away again.
David hurried back into the forest as fast as he could while trying to hold onto the four children. He found a tree whose trunk was split in two, and put Michael and Jack down inside while Mitchell slid off of his back. He handed Faith to Jack, and before he rushed away he said to Jack “You look after your cousins and brother. Daddy will be right back.” Jack nodded with sincerity too old for his meek six years.
When David reached the meadow again, it was too late. He felt his stomach clench as he gazed upon the carnage before him. Blood soaked the grass and pieces of flesh lay strewn everywhere. Over a dozen Mori bodies were on the ground in various stages of decomposition. When a vampire fed from someone with HIV, they contracted the disease which turned them into blood-thirsty creatures with rotting flesh. Among the Mori corpses, David saw the bodies of his family. James lay sprawled on his back with his throat torn out next to Beth, who had died the same way. Mark was a few metres away next to Lily. David staggered to his dead wife and let his tears run down his face.
“David.”
David turned sharply at the sound of his name, and saw that Mark was still alive. He hastily rushed to his dying brother’s side.
“Keep. Faith. Safe,” Mark choked out, and then he died.
David’s anguished cry echoed through the night. After one last glance back at his dead family, he left the meadow for the last time and went back to the children.
When he arrived back at the tree, it was to find Mitchell and Jack sobbing quietly.
He hurried over to them and cradled them under his arms. “Shh. It’s going to be okay,” he whispered.
“No, it’s not,” Jack cried. “They took Faith.”
David turned sharply to face his son. “What?”
Mitchell looked up with tears in his eyes. “Faith’s gone.”
  





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279 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 40
Reviews: 279
Tue Oct 25, 2011 4:36 pm
MasterGrieves says...



I like the idea, but I'm a bit surprised you have dived in already. I think prologues should serve as an introduction, like introducing the current state of time. Already you have this guy called Mark, looking for a kidnapped girl, and I think you should be a bit ambiguous in your prologue. Let us ask questions. Because at the moment, we know this girl called Faith has been kidnapped. How about in the first few chapters we witness the kidnapping, and then we learn more as the story goes on both why she was kidnapped, and who did it. Just a suggestion really. It's just that at the moment, it seems a little rushed. Save all the exciting/suspense stuff until later on. Also, kidnapping is a very common theme in crime writing so it is easy to get all cliched and make twists that we see coming, so just remember that. Try and swerve the reader by all means- but don't make it a policeman, or a "good" guy. Try and make it unpredictable. And then you've got a great novel.
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15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1019
Reviews: 15
Tue Oct 25, 2011 10:29 pm
FutureFamousWriter says...



mate,mate,mate. hold on for the rest of the chapters! ive already written 10 and it tells about her kidnapping as it goes along. plus, its not a crime story! (:

hold on, i need more points and i will post the rest of the chapters on there. You'll be surprise of what the genre of the story actually is

FutureFamousWriter (:
  








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