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Untitled story chapter 1



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Gender: Male
Points: 740
Reviews: 6
Fri Nov 04, 2011 8:15 pm
Clay says...



Its a new story that's been bugging me for a while and since I haven't posted anything for a long long time I decide why not write and let YWS decide if I should continue this story or not. Rip it if you wish to I'll accept it all as positive criticism. :) And if your confused about anything ask and I try answer it.

It started off as a basic day in the year 2025, nothing out of the ordinary, my mum walked into my room as usual pulling the duvet off me revelling me stripped all the way down to my boxers.
“Get up the shower is running.” I heard say before she left and her footsteps disappeared down the stairs.
Finally waking up I sat up and rubbed my eyes, yawned and stood up. Ballochs, I thought to my self, another day then the weekend. I wasn’t the most enthusiastic about school but my father, who was in the army always wanted me to do good in school. There was at the time a third world war going on, trust me I was surprised as much as the next person how the world wasn’t in a nuclear winter. At the time I thought it was just the government didn’t want to cause the destruction of the human race, but now I know why there is so much war. But that’s spoiling everything that has pasted and yet to come.
I heard my mum yelling me to get in the shower so I did, beginning my robotic routine, shower, dressed, down the stairs for breakfast and finally out the door for school, god… school. I never thought I say this but I miss it, it was ‘normal’ compared to now, all the fighting and confusion…
As I was walking I heard a few of my friends call me from behind, there was about nine of them, I sat on a wooden fence of some house and ran my hand through my longish curly hair that sprung back to its natural spot. Soon they caught up with me and as we continued walking closer to school we found ourselves speaking of school and how some of us, including me, forgot or didn’t do our homework. I started talking to Dale about it, he was in my computing class, he was shorter that me so maybe 5 6” or 8” with natural blonde hair with bleach blonde spikes cover the top and back of his head.
“Ballochs for you man, Mr Craymen will tare you a new one.”
“Don’t rub it in you bellend, you in sh…” Dale was cut of by a girl who bashed into him near knocking him over, she was in our school hoodie with a killer bag on the loose swinging around like it was alive, And running like a sprinter, vaulting over long metal fence on the opposite side of the road leading down the small bank onto the pavement next to the main road.
“What the hells her problem?” Dale said moving his head to different heights and angles to see over everyone else who was just as surprised as us. Not that it was out of he ordinary to see someone running but this next part was really not normal on any freaking degree!
“Get back here you little cow! I’m gonna rip you apart!” Shouted brad running past us, he face looked like a raging animal you could almost see the things he wanted to do in his eyes. But Brad wasn’t violent, he was a tall boy, taller that me with glasses in the year bellow me making him sixteen and he wasn’t more harmless than a fly.
Then another girl and boy running close together and not far behind Brad and all of them cleared the fence like it was a small hurdle and the bank too. Brad stumbled on the landing but the others instantly went into a combat roll and continued as if nothing happened. Brad however wasn’t so lucky, while he regained his balance a grey ford people carrier ran into him, his body went over the bonnet and spun twice the height of the car before landing like he did a belly flop.
We moved over, crossing the road and leaning over the fence looking down at him, some were shouting to see if he was still alive, others phoned 999. I was hesitating at first but then I did it, I hopped over the fence and slid down the bank and to him dodging any cars that came towards me.
“Jesus Brad, you alive?” No response. I shifted him to the grassy patch only a meter or two away from his crash landing. I tapped him on the face seeing if he’d respond, nothing. After a minute he opened his eyes and if I was a stool or something and used me to get up and continued running.
The car did hit him but something happened that Brad did, a small sudden purple light or something flashed a millisecond before the car hit him, what the hell is going on?
“What’s up with him?” Dale said sounding as surprised as he looked.
“Beats me man.” Then I heard the first bell for registration. “Crap, we better go.”
The others crossed the road and we acted as if it didn’t happen but I know we all felt something wasn’t right especially with Brad and how he managed to just shake of a car hitting and act as if he didn’t know us. And a feeling kept eating away at me that I shouldn’t be here today.
We made our way down to the school, it was a large school with multiple buildings all shapes and sizes connected with hallways or smaller buildings surrounded by a green metal ten foot high fence. It feels like a prison every time I march towards it watching it getting closer and the huge open green arched gates drawing us in closer and closer as if were prey for the monsters inside.
“C’mon, were gonna be late!” Dale yelled at me, pushing me forward to hurry up and split us from our group, they carried on into the main building towards their registration class. Ours was in A building on the first floor, though the main building and A was connected through a hallway it was quicker going this way.
The second bell for registration began ringing, our luck had just run out although we made it to the class door before the bell ended,
“Well, well, well -- what a shocking surprise this is mmmm….” Mrs Powell said, she was a short women with silver short hair and round glasses perched on the bottom of her nose. Her hands clamped onto her side and began tapping her foot, “Well? What’s the unsurprisingly stupid excuse this time?” She cocked her head to the side waiting, the foot tapping like a drum roll echoing in my head. Finally it stopped and I spoke.
“I slept in, that’s it.” I said raising my hands to say ‘what you gonna do?’ However to my surprise she just pointed to my seat and told me to sit but before I could sit down the bell signalling to go to the first class rung.
“Well next is Mr Craymen’s class, fun.” Dale said walking beside me laughing to himself, he was probably thinking what Mr Craymen is going to do to punish him this time, punishment exercise, detention or a run round the schools perimeter. The teacher didn’t exactly like Dale, Dale is really a carefree person at heart but he enjoys messing with the teachers especially Mr Craymen.
My train of thought was interrupted by someone rapping their arms around my neck and near flattening me onto the floor but after a few years of this bastard jumping on me I didn’t collapse on the floor and continued walking with Rob hanging on to me.
“Morning dickhead.” I said attempting to look back at him but couldn’t, finally after walking to the end of the hallway he let go,
“Hello~.” He said waving at me like a twat walking backwards up the stairs to the third floor, dodging all the 1st and 2nd years who looked like they were still working out where they were supposed to be going.
“Oi Jack, you ignoring me?” Rob asked, again disturbing me from a daydream, I got them a lot but there was one I keep having more frequently, I kept seeing a world similar to ours, cursed by war but its not the same kind of war, its… different.
“No I’m just not listening.” I replied, he often blabbered on about pointless things away but he was a friend none-the-less. I laughed as he punched my arm and stuck his middle finger up at me, some people think I’m being bullied.
“Stop bullying Jack.” said Rebecca, Becks for short, grabbing my arm and pulling me down on one side. She was a year younger than me but she was in the same year as me. I lost my footing and fell on top of her, our noses a inch from touching hers, her face was beautiful and a body to go with it, with luscious brown hair a bit long than shoulder length.
“Hahaha, kiss kiss kiss!!” Rob said clapping while he chanted, I smiled and stood up and offered her a hand to help her up, she took hold with he baby smooth skin hand and rose up. She was only about chest high on me so she was smaller than Dale,
“You ok?” I asked, she patted me on the head and smiled, and ran off waving. The bell for first class beginning rang and everyone rushed off including Becks, leaving me, Dale and Rob walking to our computing class, Rob was in the class next door to us and we were really in no rush to get to class anyway so we took our time.
After we entered into the door we were near blown out again by Mr Craymen’s booming voice,
“Where! Were! You two then!?” Mr Craymen yelled, towering over me and Dale, “Actually I don’t care to your seats!” I swear you could see his reseeding hair line disappear to the back of his head, he stressed out and yelled at everything out of place or wrong and he only turn forty three this year.
I wasn’t terrible at computing studies, I finished the work and was one best, according to Mr Craymen, in the class and always questioned me on why I late, why I never had the homework done and why I was friends with Dale and most of my other friends. I didn’t care what he said and sat with one headphone in my ear listening to my mixed play list ranging from heavy metal to the latest ‘tunes’ out in the charts.
Suddenly I was hearing voices, they were quiet at first then clear as day saying
“He must be the one,” and others saying “What should we do then,” and a final one raining over all the voices said,
“Send the Ravens to the target, no mistakes this time.” Then nothing, I looked around the room, everyone else was looking at their computers doing their work. Then a hand hooked my shoulder, I spun on the chair to face the person,
“Hey what song you listening to man, it sounds like a beastin’ tune.” Dale whispered waiting for a reply, but Mr Craymen was like a hawk and yelled “Dale what are you doing disturbing the class? Back to work!”
Christ I got a bloody heart attack twice with only seconds between them, were they trying to kill me? I turned back to my desk and computer and began on the undone homework, it was basic spreadsheet questions so it would only take me a few minutes, god it was so boring.
I heard knocks on the classroom door, it echoed throughout the room it was that dead, the teacher told the person to come in, since there was nothing better to do I turned so I could see the person at the door.
“The Head would like to see Jack about a important matter.” Said a girl, then it hit me, it was the one running from Brad.
“Very well Jack on you go.” Mr Craymen said waving me out the door, I had no choice but to do so.
We walked in silence for the first five minutes down the stairs and hallway. She looked like Becks but she didn’t have a twin, maybe it was her younger sister, that would make her a 2nd or 3rd year pupil.
“So why were you running from Brad before?” I asked, she looked up at me staring at me with evil eyes, then started looking around as if the answer was a crime to speak,
“You mean the Ravens? They‘re after you, not me.” She said so cold and quick.
“Why me?”
“Well they’re not pacifically after you but the other you,” then she suddenly collapsed, holding her head. I knelled down beside her but she pushed me away, “Never mind me, go to the Heads office he’s waiting for you.”
I left her there and moved further down and watched her from half way down the stairs. And then appeared Brad and the other two again, she stood up in a fighting stance,
“Come on Ashley, don’t make this any harder on your mind and that child’s body, it be such a waste to damage it.” Brad said pointing at her but she wouldn’t move standing there, he sighed and then raised his hand that was shaped as a gun.
“Your bluffing, and that wouldn’t kill me here anyway.” She said but she shuffled back a few steps regardless of her last statement, and me being naive about what harm a hand could do I so found out.
“Goodbye for now my sweet Ashley~.” Brad said his hand recoiled back as a real gun does when fired. Nothing was fired but Ashley’s head snapped up quickly, a purple light shone from both the forehead and the back of the head, soon her body collapsed backwards with a thud.
“There he is!” Brad yelled pointing the gun hand at me and again his hand recoiled back, I ducked down and began running, but just before I started sprinting I saw the same light appearing from the wall.
I broke through the double doors I used earlier to enter A building and began running up the small ascending hill of grass and stone stairs, I heard the doors slam open again and my heart began racing ahead of me. I began wishing for my feet to sped up, I turned left after climbing the stairs and ran towards the multiple glass double doors on the main building. I grabbed hold of one door and pulled but it was locked,
“Shit!” I shouted then grabbed the one beside it, luckily it was open. The stairs to my left led up to the office and the Heads room but foolishly I turned and got a glimpse of Brad standing taking aim at me, the shot hit my shoulder knocking me off my feet and onto the set of stairs and the purple light was now on my shoulder. When I got a closer look at it it was little lightening bolts twisting and pulsing but I continued moving up the stairs trying to getting on my feet but it wasn’t working all I could do was crawl. Soon I was paralysed and unable to move, my vision was blurred but I kept moving to my knowledge anyway.
Then footsteps surrounded me and I felt two people rap my arms around their necks and hoist me up and starting moving,
“Its ok, Jack I got you.” said a female.
“We both do.” said a familiar voice.
“Get him in here quick,” I heard a third person say then a door slam shut, “That should hold them that door is unbreakable.”
“That’s what you said about the shield protecting Ashley and look what happened!” The female said, the more I heard her the more she sounded familiar.
“No need to point fingers but we’ve got a situation on our hands with him, were going to have to take him there now!” The third person said.
Sudden thuds against the door disturbed the conversation around me, someone defiantly wanted in and didn’t care it they destroyed school property to do so.
“We’ll leave the humans here with their proper minds and Jacks with a replica of his, they will leave him alone if it isn’t his mind isn’t in the body.” The third one said.
“Fine.” Then a chair or something was booted over taking a bunch of book on a table or shelf with it.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1182
Reviews: 14
Fri Nov 04, 2011 11:08 pm
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Audrey718 says...



Sorry, but I couldn't go through the whole story in one review. I filled up a notepaper of editing points though.
So first things first: Grammar. You probably didn't read this because (no offense) it's quite loaded with grammar errors.

I never though I'd say this but I missed it, it was 'normal' compared to now.

My review versions will be in red if you don't mind:
I never though I'd say this, but I missed it. School was 'normal' compared to now.

As I was walking I heard a few of my friends call me from behind, there was about nine of them, I sat on a wodden fence of some house and ran my hand through my longish curly hair that sprung back to its natural spot.

Run-on sentence alert!!!
As I was walking, I heard a few of my friends call me from behind. There was about nine of them. I sat on a wooden fence of some house to wait for them, as they advanced towards me. I ran my hand through my longish curly hair which sprang back to its natural spot.

I started talking to Dale about it, he was in my computer calss, he was shorter than me so maybe 5 6' or 8" with natural blonde hair with bleach blonde spikes covering the top and back of his head.

I started talking to Dale, a guy from my computer class, about it. Dale was shorter thatn me--he was about 5 6" or 8". He had natural blonde hair with bleached blonde spikes covering the top and back of his head.

"Ballochs for you man, Mr Craymen will tare you a new one.

"Ballochs for you man! Mr.Craymen will tare you a new one."
...brad running past us.

...Brad running past us.

That's all for now. I like the story any way though! It is very nicely written! I suggest you read it allow to yourself or someone else, so you can catch your own typos, grammar mistakes, or sentences that don't make sense.

Audrey718
Audrey
Noble Strength
  








The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices; to be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill, and suspicions can destroy. A thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all of its own.
— Rod Serling, Twilight Zone