Young Writers Society

Preface:
The days were getting darker earlier now. I had to hurry. I saw The Clock fast food restaurant down the road and sped up some. I looked over to the other side of the road and saw Tyler Kassem, the biggest jerk there was. I looked straight forward and kept on walking. I fondled the necklace my grandmother game me, cold against my skin. I was lost in remembering my time with her when I heard tires screech against the frozen asphalt beside me. My head snaped to look at what had happend just in time to see Tyler getting hit by the car into a light pole. I gasped and ran over to the accident only to see Tylers body not moving, blood seeping from his waist and mouth. I ran over to the drivers side, looked through the window, and saw he was also dead. I pulled my cellphone to call the police when there was a bright flash and I was on the ground, my head throbbing.
"Damn, nice view." Tyler said from over me. I got up pulled my dress down, and looked around.
"What are you doing here? Your dead?" I said to Tyler.
"What are you talking about?"
"I just saw you die... you got hit by a car--," just then a car came speeding past, the drivers face familiar. I had just seen that him, sitting behind the wheel of his car, covered in blood.
"Hey, whatever the fuck your problem is, take it somewhere else. I got things to do," and he just walked away. Alive.





I see them, everyday. walking down the street as if nothings wrong, as if they're completely safe from harms way. They have normal lives. But I know the truth. I see what they don't, I feel what they have yet to experience. I see how they die, before it even happens. They dont know, but death is lurking over their right shoulder everyday. My name's Keyanna. I look like you do, on the outside I have dark mocha skin, grey eyes,... soft curly hair... but on the inside---I'm different.

I have visions. I cant control them, they just randomly happen. They can be short, or they can be long. They usually happen when I'm alone with people, so I try to stay with my friends most of the time. The visions started happening about a year ago. The first ones I had, I though were dreams, till the people I saw starting dying like they had in my visions. My visions usually seem like im living in that moment, I dont realize what they were till after they pass. I cant see when they happen or an exact location. Only how and who. Its pretty frustrating. Ive had to stop watching TV, reading the newspaper, going on the internet for fear of seeing other deaths. My whole life is compleltly altered because of this--this curse.

The only person I've told about the visions were my grandmother. She said to just let them come, I must have them for a reason. Also to write them down in a little black book she gave me. She died two months ago. She had been robbed, and had a heart-attack during it. They caught the robbers, their excuse was they thought she was faking. We got her stuff back, but now theres no one to share my burden with.

Hello! I changed the rating to a 16+, because you have a strong swear in here. Always try to remember to rate works if they have anything rateable in. ^_^

So! I'm a little surprised you put this in General rather than Fantasy... just because I'm thinking about genres right now. ^_^ My main beef (lol, beef) with your story is its pace. It's too fast-paced. Take the first paragraph:

The days were getting darker earlier now. I had to hurry. I saw The Clock fast food restaurant down the road and sped up some. I looked over to the other side of the road and saw Tyler Kassem, the biggest jerk there was. I looked straight forward and kept on walking. I fondled the necklace my grandmother game me, cold against my skin. I was lost in remembering my time with her when I heard tires screech against the frozen asphalt beside me. My head snaped to look at what had happend just in time to see Tyler getting hit by the car into a light pole. I gasped and ran over to the accident only to see Tylers body not moving, blood seeping from his waist and mouth. I ran over to the drivers side, looked through the window, and saw he was also dead. I pulled my cellphone to call the police when there was a bright flash and I was on the ground, my head throbbing.

You've got a lot happening here, but there isn't a smooth transition from thought to action to whatever. She's walking, sees Tyler, touches her necklace, looks around and oh there's Tyler getting squashed by a car, and oh look he's dead, quick phone the police only wait what why am I on the ground?

Do you see what I mean?

This scene is vital. It's where Keyanna discovers her powers, where she gets her big secret, and it's all over in just one paragraph. Stretch it out! Make us wonder why you're beginning here--what's going to be so special about this walk home? The car accident--don't just say "I saw Tyler get hit by a car", describe it. Let us really see it, take us there. Describe it in detail. The broken glass, the steaming engine, the scratches on the bright paintwork, the brightness of the blood. Sounds, sights, smells, tastes; we have senses for a reason.

If you really slow this scene down and drag it out, you'll probably find it easier to fix your other problem too, which is lack of emotion. Keyanna sees a guy get hit by a car, and she doesn't seem to feel anything. No horror, no numbness, no nausea, no shock, no tears, no hysteria, no anger, no frustration, no nothing.

Emotion and detail. That's what you need. Oh, and a better pace. ^_^

Keep writing, and PM or Wall me if you have any questions!

-twit