Young Writers Society

Coming out of the closet is probobly the worst desision I have ever made. I should have known this asshole infested world would judge me for something I had no control over.
I was a junior in highschool of sixteen years old. I was young and on top of the world. I was one of the most popular kids in the school although I did not play any sports. I was popular simply because I was nice to everyone. I hate to sound arrogant but all the popular girls wanted me. Thing is... I didn't want them.
About my sophmore year I realised this and was afraid of being judged therefore I kept it a secret. A few weeks before the second semester of my junior year I could not take it any more. I stopped denying things and told the truth thinking it would make me feel better.I was dead wrong.
My world completley flipped. I was no longer "that cool kid" but I was the "school faggot." My life turned into a living hell. With all the girls it wasn't so bad but all my former guys friends would harrass me daily. I would suffer punches in the gut that followed by an insult along the lines of "You are going to hell you fucking queer".
People say "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" but the insults are what hurt me the most. Some were offensive things said to be cool or funny for their friends but others were angry things like death threats.
I was afraid to go to school. I woke up in fear for what was going to happen that day. I would do anything to try and get out of it. I would fake illnesses, I would pourposely, "accidently" not set my alarm as if that would give me an excuse and sometimes I would even attempt to get sick. To get out of lunch which is the easiest time for bullying I would not do my homework the previous night and pretend I needed help with it so I could go to tutorials.
I felt so out of place. I thought I was the only person in my school going through this type of stuff. I had no friends. I talked to no one. I even tried my best to not make eye-contact with anyone. Then came Ned Weitzman.

Hello, Jester! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

First off, you've done an excellent job creating a character that will present you with many obstacles to overcome. I feel like this character will be somebody you'll stay interested in over the weeks it will take you to write your novel. That's very important. Make sure that the other characters you create are ones you'll be able to stay interested in, and also ones that have major flaws. It will probably be difficult to keep a handle on having four main characters at once; perhaps you'd rather choose one and reveal the stories of the others through his or her eyes? However, if you feel you're ready to tackle having the views and thoughts of four characters, go for it!

Concerning the actual structure of your piece, I'm not impressed, and I'll explain why. I'm going to create a paragraph of my own that will illustrate the problems I find with your structure. It's probably going to be silly because I'm going to create it on the spur of the moment, but I promise that it will help you out.

I was a young woman with an air of confidence. I had a purple mohawk and seven of my nails were painted bright red. I was disappointed because I didn't want to go to the Volunteer Fireman's Ball with my Uncle Ramone. I went to the ball and met a boy named Rico who didn't want to be there. I noticed that he liked my mohawk. I began to talk to him. I made a new friend that day.

Now watch this.

With my purple mohawk and brightly painted nails, I was a strange sight. It took confidence to pull off my look, but I was a confident young lady, so I didn't mind. What I did mind was being forced to go to the Volunteer Fireman's Ball with my Uncle Ramone. Frustrated, I went with him and sat in the corner, watching as people flinched when they saw my hair. However, one boy actually seemed to like it. He sauntered over and introduced himself, explaining that his name was Rico.

"I love your hair! It's awesome!" he said, smiling broadly. The Fireman's Ball didn't turn out to be as awful as I expected; I made a new friend that day.

See how much better it sounds? Try switching up the types of sentences and starting your sentences in different ways. That way, your writing won't seem so one-note.

Always keep writing!

-Rose

Hello there
I'll begin with the nitpicks

With all the girls it wasn't so bad but all my former guys friends would harrass me daily.

Okay, I think that's pretty much it.

So, honestly, for a first chapter, this needs a lot of work. First of all, addressing the general output, don't you think it would be better if you spread out these events into a few chapters. That can be achieved by elaborating more on your ideas. Right now everything is a bit more on the 'tell' side and not showing anything, if you get what I mean. This looks like a draft of a novel you intend on writing- a synopsis. You could try and just tell everything from the start instead of just rushing through all at one go. Like for instance, who is the MC? Who was she before she came out (in a much more detailed manner)? Where does she live, her surroundings, the setting, how she looks like perhaps, what she used to do with her friends before she came out and how things drastically changed for her after. Yes, you mention insults and abuse, but the way you put it is not really convincing, hence the 'telling'. There is not enough emotion to back up what you say is happening to her. Is she angry/ furious? Hurt, confused? How does she feel about all of this? These are the kinds of details that need to be added to your story to give it more volume and more of a push.

I was a junior in highschool of sixteen years old. I was young and on top of the world. I was one of the most popular kids in the school although I did not play any sports. I was popular simply because I was nice to everyone. I hate to sound arrogant but all the popular girls wanted me. Thing is... I didn't want them.

I take this as part of your introduction and quite frankly, I don't feel it's a great start. There is no suspense, I don't have the urge to read on. However, I get what you're trying to do, but it needs work.

Your writing has a lot of potential and you've great ideas, with more practice and revision you will improve a great deal.
I hope I could help.

Keep writing and good luck with the rest of this.