Young Writers Society

Chapter 1: Katie

Being a ghost isn’t really all that great. You have many abilities, but you can’t do much. Katie had been thinking about this ever since she died and had her new position explained to her, the hooded black figure had told her that she could stay as long as she liked and to simply call him when she was ready. He had been very nice; he wasn’t scary and ominous like in all the stories, which may be because they were just that, stories.

She had been thinking over this again, sitting in her garage on the floor when she heard the car pull up. Even as a ghost, she felt the need to be stealthy, so she peeked out the window of the massive garage door. She could see 3 people, a Man, a woman, and a child. The child didn’t look that impressed by the house that squat before them, and if she had to be honest, Katie wasn’t either.

The house was small, but it had a deck both in the front and back, a nice back yard and plenty of space inside. No one could say it was a bad house, but no one could say it was a pretty house. The paint was an ugly shade of yellow and peeling, exposing the neglected walls beneath it and giving the sense that it would be haunted.

Which, it was. Well, the garage next to it was, but that’s only because Katie liked the garage more, she could “live” in the house if she wanted to, but it didn’t feel right. And now that a family was moving in, she wouldn’t be able to enter without express permission from one of them. This suited her just fine, the only interesting thing about the family was the boy and he didn’t even know she existed. Some things just don’t change, even in death.

The first two weeks were quiet, the family had only come out to the garage twice, once to explore and the second to plan. Apparently they were going to store their belongings instead of their cars there, which was fine by Katie, that just meant they wouldn’t be in and out of her home as often, if at all. What Katie didn’t know was that the boy was an introverted sentimental and nostalgic person. After they’d carted in all of their miscellaneous stuff the boy was in almost every day, poking around, remembering. Katie wasn’t sure what to make of him, he look be about her age at time of death, about 15, and skinny. Dark red hair and a bored look in his eyes whenever there wasn’t something exciting happening told her that he wasn’t a stupid person.

Katie had grown used to people not seeing her, even before she died. Not many people noticed her in life, and she had never really understood why. Eventually she had been angry and jealous, but then she accepted it and simply went about her business. She couldn’t be sad forever, right?

About a month after the people had moved in, the boy was in the garage, rummaging around as usual when he suddenly moved without Katie expecting it. She had been looking over at his shoulder at what he had found when he moved, she gasped as he passed through her and he shivered as he stopped in his tracks. He turned around and looked through her, trying to decipher what had just happened. When Katie looked over her shoulder to see what he was doing, she could see that the bored look wasn’t present.

Many more close encounters happened over the course of two more weeks, and Katie had just resigned herself to sitting on a box whenever he was around. The boy moved towards the box, and Katie could see that he had the intent of rummaging through it. She hopped off the box, not really sure what would happen if he opened it while she was perched on top. The boy stopped though, and looked in her direction. It almost looked like he was looking her up and down, Katie turned around to see what he was looking at when it happened.

He tackled her, wrestling her to the floor. This was definitely not supposed to happen, and it was not in Katie’s plans to be tackled that day. Reacting on instinct, she twisted to face him and then rolled on top of him, before she could pin his arms to the floor though, he grabbed her shoulders and bucked, sending her flying past. She landed on her stomach, and felt a sudden weight on top of her, and her arm twisted behind her.

“You’re good” she said, turning her head so that she could speak “But there’s one thing you can’t do.” She said as she became ethereal and the boy fell through her with a yelp. Pushing herself up off the ground, she became solid again, putting the boy in the same position she had been in just a second ago. Now that Katie had him in submission, she realized she didn’t really know what to do from there.

“Uhm, what do you want?” she asked awkwardly, leaning down to listen to what he had to say. A few mumbles and a grunt told her that he couldn’t speak effectively while his face was mashed into concrete, so Katie let up just enough for him to turn his head and talk. “I want a million dollars, world peace and a nice house.” He listed, and it took a moment for Katie to realize he was being a smart ass. “From ME, you idiot!” she snarled, twisting his arm. She wasn’t usually so aggressive, but he had made her feel stupid and she didn’t like feeling stupid. A grunt emanated from the body beneath her before he spoke again “That depends on who you are” he said, wincing in pain. Katie wasn’t ready for this answer and she sat back to ponder it. “Although, I can tell you right now, whoever you are, I would like for you to get off of me.” Katie didn’t sense any hostility in his voice, so she decided to grant his wish and stood up.

The boy rolled over, and Katie instinctively offered her hand. The boy looked at it for a moment before accepting it and pulling himself to his feet. As Katie got a better look at him, she realized he didn’t look that bad. He was handsome in a way, and even though he didn’t look it, he was strong. As the boy dusted himself off, Katie realized she was staring and looked way awkwardly.

As the boy finished brushing himself off, he crossed his arms and leaned against the garage door before speaking.

“I may not be very experienced with wrestling strange girls in my garage, so forgive me for coming across as a bit rude, but who the hell are you?”

Nice story! I found it really interesting, and I think you had a very good first sentence. Although, I found some mistakes that I would like to point out:

She could see 3 people, a Man, a woman, and a child.

Normally, you should write three instead of 3. And you shouldn't have capitalized "man".

by the house that squat before them,

You wrote your story in past, so you should have written squatted.

a nice back yard and plenty of space inside.

The word backyard has no space in between "back" and "yard".

the only interesting thing about the family was the boycomma and he didn’t even know she existed.

Katie realized she was staring and looked way awkwardly.

You probably meant: and looked away awkwardly.
Those were all the mistakes I found. But I like your story, and I'd like to see what happens next…

Hello there!
I have never reviewed a novel before, so I apologize if it is weird or lame or something. Since this chapter is all we have so far, I will pretend it's a short story and go from there.
So, let's begin with your title. Seeing as it is called "My Best Friend's Friend's a ghost," I expected this to be About the friend of the ghost and in first person point of view. It really surprised me that the story was neither of those, and it confused me a little in the beginning. For this reason, you may want to consider the order in which you put these chapters; I would say that you need at least a tiny bit of intro in the other charactere's POV.

If the first two sentnes are what Katie is thinking, they need to be italicized, since at first, based on that beginning, that it was not only in first person, but also in the present tense. Just as a side note, the second sentence contradicts itself. I know what you are trying to say, but it needs to be more clear.

So, I read the first few paragraphs and got into the action, and I realized that I know almost nothing about Katie. I don't have any sort of feel for her personality or background. Why did she die? How did she handle death emotionally? How did her friends react? Does she have any feeling that she left thngs undone, and how will this affect her actions in the future? Maybe she is guilty for leaving things behind. Is she haunted (haha) by traumatizing memories? You need to think about the motivation of your character, and as long as you keep that in mind you will have a better developed character than you have at this point in time. Another thing is that I have no idea why she is in that particular house. Based on what I know about this character, she doesn't have much of a reason for being there. Why wouldn't she have stayed with her parents, or a friend? If there is a reason, I want to know it.

Another thing about this is that you need to work in combining action with summarization. In a few paragraphs, weeks have gone by and no one has said a word, nor have I seen specific actions done by Katie, apart from her looking out a window. You try to explain a lot of background in one short amount of time, but there are two problems with this: one, it is overwhelming to the reader, almost confusing and bordering on boring. Two, what background you do have isn't the proper amount for me to actually understand what is going on, both the present time and the past.

So, the action gets going, and then...she does a complete change of character. She seems at first, when she first encounters the boy, to think of herself as being superior to the him. This is really shown when she talks in a very smug tone while they are wrestling, almost condescending. Then, as soon as the boy says one little comment, which is something normal for a child to say, she totally loses it. Most people would maybe roll their eyes, or become slightly annoyed, but she turns downright explosive. This doesnt seem realistic to me at all. When the action and the dialogue aren't realistic, I cannot get into the story. This goes back to the idea of getting to know your characters that her actions are shaped by her past experiences and her personality.

One thing you might want to focus on is your details. You do have some great descriptions, but some of them seem out of place, almost irrelevant. If necessary, tie them back in with the action. Why is this detail important to the reader? How does this affect the character(s)?

All in all, this first chapter, aside from the whole ghost idea, seems really cliche in my opinion. The whole Idea of enemy-turning-into-friend idea has been overused quite a bit. So you're going toreally have to work to make this Story geab peoples' attention. I'm not trying to say that it's bad, since the idea and your beginning so far is great. You just need to work on it so that it really stands out as a story, and eventually as a novel.

I hope these comments helped! Let me know if you have questions, and I am excited to see where this goes in the future!
Keep writing!
~Devan

OhMaiJitterbugPalooza.
This was really quite awesome. Although, I must say, the ending was a total rip off of another death-related chapter of mine. *cough cough* But yes, the other people above me said enough for critiquing (?) and therefor I must simply say- awesomeness. do continue.

-Renn