Young Writers Society

i'm gonna miss you.

one day, you will leave me with nothing.
i will be without an armor.
i will be without a shield.
i will be naked.
i can fight no more.

i will be powerless.
my fragility will slowly unfold and those creatures whose efforts were tireless in trying to hurt me will devour me.

you will fail me.
but i'll always remember how you made me feel every time we do something foolish.
or harsh.
or romantic.

i wasn't able to keep our memories together and for that i am sorry.
but i did kept a few.
and I've given some to those who managed to fill my heart with love.
they're not that many.

i don't want to let you go but you're one of those precious few who can't stay.
it's inevitable, like kissing or hugging a girlfriend or boyfriend.
i was never good at analogy and it's the best i can come up with.
sorry for being lame.

i am different when i am with you.
i can make a perfect world.
i can paint lovely castles.
i can be a princess and you can be my prince.
i am someone with you by my side.
someone.
a woman.
a woman of confidence, of poise. of brilliance.
and it's all because you are mine.

so please, as long as time will permit, stay.
if it wouldn't be too much to ask, don't leave me yet.
you are the only one that keeps me sane.

still,i'll miss you.

It was interesting- but I have to be brutally honest, the grammar was horrible. I had trouble enjoying the content at all, because there were almost no punctuation or capitalization.

Improve, and I think you'll have some very good work

RA

First of all, as mentioned above, capitalise the start of every line in a poem. It's a must really, otherwise it looks a little unprofessional. Also, try not to interrupt the flow of short sentences with one massive clause, ie.

my fragility will slowly unfold and those creatures whose efforts were tireless in trying to hurt me will devour me.

It just really breaks the flow a hell of a lot- try to break it down into two or three shorter phrases.
Also, in a poem, one doesn't usually end every single line with a full stop. With verses of four lines, maybe every other line, verses of six every three lines, and so on.

For example:

one day, you will leave me with nothing.
i will be without an armor.
i will be without a shield.
i will be naked.
i can fight no more.

Could read as:

One day, you will leave me with nothing.
I will be without an armor
I will be without a shield
I will be naked.
i can fight no more.

Try to judge yourself where you think the full stops should be.

All in all, this has the potential to be a great poem; you just need to format it better!

Keep at it, my friend!