Young Writers Society

Preface: This is a personal essay I am writing for admissions to university. In this essay I really wanted who I am to come out, and I hope it did. Additionally, it is around 1000 words and it should be around 500; any suggestions to cut it down are appreciated. Of course, all constructive criticism is welcome. Happy reading!


“I’m standing in front of a bartender in a wedding dress and yet, that isn’t the craziest thing about this evening,” I bubbled.

“You dancing and the bartender in a wedding dress are about as extreme as they come,” Todd assured.

“The real mystery here, is ‘How in the world did the Jewish yeshiva girl and the outrageous gay boy end up going to an LGBT Purim party together?’,” I exclaimed and we both were washed into a sea of laughter.

************************************************************************************************************

After using a gay bartender as the opening to my university essay, the biggest risk I ever took was going to a pizza store on a Friday after school.

Thanks to a mutual friend, Todd and I found ourselves in a pizza shop in Union Square on a Friday afternoon: Todd with his slice of pepperoni pizza and me sheepishly leafing through a plastic container of overpriced lettuce. My middle school teachers from yeshiva would have scolded me had they known I was entering a non-kosher eatery (and on the eve of the Sabbath of all times!).

I was going against everything I had known my entire life, but I felt at the time it was necessary to know what it was like to be a regular teenager by actually experiencing it. I was committed in the pursuit of knowledge, to find out a general truth without the use of my personal prejudices or preconceived notions. I came to public school for this very reason, how could I deny myself this opportunity for personal experiment?

Well, I got exactly what I asked for. After conversing in Starbucks about the fundamentals of religion and its practicality in the modern world and the current state of Israel in foreign affairs, I had met my match. For the first time, my views were truly questioned and I had to defend both to Todd and to myself why I believed what I did; the “I was brought up this way” answer was not going to suffice. That was the day when I knew we needed to be friends, for I had never been able to discuss religion, politics, and theory with anyone in such depth before. I would make the friendship work despite our differing views.

Our friendship was blossoming, but I soon had to decide whether it was becoming a rose with thorns or thorns with a rose. One night, the friend I had known so warmly told me he was gay; the first gay person I had ever encountered.
This was no grand revelation on a mountain. A friend has told me before he did, to lessen the blow, and prevent an overreaction to the news. The painful truth about this time was I couldn’t accept it. How could someone I liked so much identify himself with something that I clearly learned and thought was immoral? I didn’t think he was any less of a person for being gay, but I still didn’t see how this was a good thing.

How could someone I cared about so deeply have such a flawed moral compass? Todd’ needle was fine, mine however, wasn’t. How could I pride myself on such high morals when I was acting so judgmental? Aren’t we all G-d’s creations? Weren’t we all made in His image?

After spending more time with Todd, my views altered. I truly learned to understand him and homosexuality in general through being close to him. I sat in my room pondering and realized that it did not matter. So what if he liked other boys? He was one of the nicest, most giving people I ever met. He was the same person who had been there for me, who had made me laugh during the darkest of days, and who had so much admired my own personal choices as I dressed and acted differently from my peers.

Months later, after accepting Todd was a non-issue, I realized just how critical the other people in my life were about homosexuality. A youth group friend asked me how I was becoming more religious if I had a gay best friend, the two were mutually exclusive in his mind, whereas for me, I think by learning to accept people who are different from myself, I have become a better human being and thus feel closer to the entity that created us all.

The summer was ending, and I found myself alone in Union Square. Passing by all the places I had discovered, fought in, and learned in, I felt sick to my stomach. I stumbled into the Andy Warhol monument nearly in tears, and couldn’t help but think that I wasn’t the same girl who’d been walking the area only a year earlier. I could appreciate Pruitt’s caption after my struggle to accept something I had so judged, and could empathize with Warhol’s plight and the plight of the millions of other misunderstood people who came to New York to become the people they wanted to be. I was truly grateful to live in a place where everyone can be who they want to be, something that should be celebrated.

I’m still involved with my Jewish community in every possible way. But, by stepping out of my comfort zone, the friendship I have pursued with Todd has afforded me the ability to accept and be open minded towards other people with different beliefs.

I want to meet the Todds of the world. I want to learn West African Dance, scuba diving and anthropology. I want to be exposed to new ideas and people; for that is the only way to truly understand. Over the course of high school, I have learned to think rationally, not from what I have been told or learned in school, but from what I have experienced myself.

I am very touched by your epiphany, it makes this a very strong topic for an essay. I caught like one or two spelling mistakes, but my spelling is much to be desired, so it is very possile that I can't spell and you did spell it right. (I cannot be an editor, ever). Overall, I found this to be excellent and I love the story and inner termoil that you now exposed. I hope more people read this and come to the same conclusion you did and I wish you much luck on your learning experiences in the future.

I'll admit, one of my favorite things was the title, it draws a reader in very well, just out of curiousity.

I'm just going to comment in red or green, okay?

*

“I’m standing in front of a bartender in a wedding dress and yet, that isn’t the craziest thing about this evening,” I bubbled.

“You dancing and the bartender in a wedding dress are about as extreme as they come,” Todd assured.

“The real mystery here, is ‘How in the world did the Jewish yeshiva girl and the outrageous gay boy end up going to an LGBT Purim party together?’,” I exclaimed and we both were washed into a sea of laughter.

************************************************************************************************************ You don't need these dividers.

After using a gay bartender as the opening to my university essay, the biggest risk I ever took was going to a pizza store on a Friday after school. This is a very weak introduction. I think you can do better than this. Maybe something like, "I didn't know he was gay at first. As a very religious Jew, I was taught that gays were..." or something like that, but in your voice. That way, you can have a transitionary thing.

Thanks to a mutual friend, Todd and I found ourselves in a pizza shop in Union Square on a Friday afternoon: Todd with his slice of pepperoni pizza and me sheepishly leafing through a plastic container of overpriced lettuce. My middle school teachers from yeshiva would have scolded me had they known I was entering a non-kosher eatery (and on the eve of the Sabbath of all times!).

I was going against everything I had known my entire life, but I felt at the time it was necessary to know what it was like to be a regular teenager by actually experiencing itexperiencing what. I was committed in the pursuit of knowledge, to find out a general truth without the use of my personal prejudices or preconceived notions. I came to public school for this very reason, how could I deny myself this opportunity for personal experiment? Too wordy and not very clear of what you're saying. Shorter is better here.

Well, I got exactly what I asked for. After conversing in Starbucks about the fundamentals of religioncomma and its practicality in the modern worldcomma and the current state of Israel in foreign affairs, I had met my match. For the first time, my views were truly questioned and I had to defend both to Todd and to myself why I believed what I did; the “I was brought up this way” answer was not going to suffice. That was the day when I knew we needed to be friends, for I had never been able to discuss religion, politics, and theory with anyone in such depth before. I would make the friendship work despite our differing views.

Our friendship was blossoming, but I soon had to decide whether it was becoming a rose with thorns or thorns with a rose. One night, the friend I had known so warmly told me he was gay; the first gay person I had ever encountered.

This was no grand revelation on a mountain. A friend has told me before he did, to lessen the blow, and prevent an overreaction to the news. The painful truth about this time was I couldn’t accept it. How could someone I liked so much identify himself with something that I clearly learned and thought was immoral? I didn’t think he was any less of a person for being gay, but I still didn’t see how this was a good thing.

How could someone I cared about so deeply have such a flawed moral compass? Todd’s needle was fine, mine however, wasn’t. How could I pride myself on such high morals when I was acting so judgmental? Aren’t we all G-d’s Why didn't you say "God's" creations? Weren’t we all made in His image?

After spending more time with Todd, my views altered. I truly learned to understand him and homosexuality in general through being close to him. I sat in my room pondering and realized that it did not matter. So what if he liked other boys? He was one of the nicest, most giving people I ever met. He was the same person who had been there for me, who had made me laugh during the darkest of days, and who had so much admired my own personal choices as I dressed and acted differently from my peers.

Months later, after accepting Todd was a non-issue, I realized just how critical the other people in my life were about homosexuality. A youth group friend asked me how I was becoming more religious if I had a gay best friend, period [T]he two were mutually exclusive in his mind, whereas for me, I think by learning to accept people who are different from myself, I have become a better human being and thus feel closer to the entity that created us all. The maroon part is awkward.

The summer was ending, and I found myself alone in Union Square. Passing by all the places I had discovered, fought in, and learned in, I felt sick to my stomach. I stumbled into the Andy Warhol monument nearly in tears, and couldn’t help but think that I wasn’t the same girl who’d been walking the area only a year earlier. I could appreciate Pruitt’s caption What is this caption? after my struggle to accept something I had so judged, and could empathize with Warhol’s plight and the plight of the millions of other misunderstood people who came to New York to become the people they wanted to be. I was truly grateful to live in a place where everyone can be who they want to be, something that should be celebrated. If you want to get rid of anything, this would be the paragraph to get rid of. You essentially say the same thing as you did in the paragraph before.

I’m still involved with my Jewish community in every possible way. But, by stepping out of my comfort zone, the friendship I have pursued with Todd has afforded me the ability to accept and be open-minded towards other people with different beliefs.

I want to meet the Todds of the world. I want to learn West African Dance, scuba diving and anthropology. I want to be exposed to new ideas and people; for that is the only way to truly understand. Over the course of high school, I have learned to think rationally, not from what I have been told or learned in school, but from what I have experienced myself. This is not really a good ending... you need to conclude it better.

Okay! So you're definitely on the right track. This is a solid essay! You just need to trim it down, improve that transition and conclusion and to stop repeating yourself so much. See if by doing these things, it'll help your piece become more concise. Also, good luck!

Becca,

This is LONG overdue. So you get a bonus. A super-long review from me.

I'm going to start by saying that I absolutely love the topic/subject you've chosen for your essay. Honestly, that's the hardest part and I think you've nailed it. You strike me as an open-minded person, someone with a unique background, a vision, and an excellent friend. That is great.

Now, I'm not going to say that I'm an expert, but I did give you my overall thoughts. A good tip would be to show your latest draft to a trusted teacher as they are the best resources.

The first thing I'll point out (and something you've already realized) is 500 words is not a lot. You've got to really narrow your topic. You've got to focus it. You've written a lot of great things here, but you need to rewrite it in such way that you say the most with the least amount of words. Why use 50 when 5 will do? Also, work on your transitions. You do a lot of jumping from one place to another.

"...thing about this evening,” I bubbled said.
"...as they come,” Todd assured said.
"...party together?’,” I exclaimed said.

Not liking the use of "bubbled" as a dialogue tag. When I think of "bubble" as a verb, I am imagining little sea-critters gurgling or passing gas. Sure, a person can be 'bubbly' - but they shouldn't 'bubble' that's just...strange o_0

When in doubt, check out dictionary.com

They have two examples using your form of bubble.

The play bubbled with songs and dances.
His mind bubbles with plans and schemes.

Notice, none of the examples refer to someone actually speaking. Don't be afraid to use said. Refer to this article, if you're curious to find out more.

Honestly though, I don't understand why this is dialogue at all. It just doesn't sound like something someone would say. Think about it, you're hanging out with your friends at some place and someone says to you, "I'm sitting here in a t-shirt and jeans."

...

People don't talk like that. It's because you can clearly see what they're wearing. I mean, I like the imagery here, of a girl in a wedding dress in public. And she's Jewish. And she's with a gay guy. So describe the scene. Allow your readers to be in the scene so that they can picture it in their heads. To have it in dialogue here doesn't make sense and it's not believable at all.

After using a gay bartender as the opening to my university essay, the biggest risk I ever took was going to a pizza store on a Friday after school.

Thanks to a mutual friend, Todd and I found ourselves in a pizza shop in Union Square on a Friday afternoon: Todd with his slice of pepperoni pizza, and me sheepishly leafing through a plastic container of overpriced lettuce. My middle school teachers from yeshiva would have scolded me had they known I was entering a non-kosher eatery (and on the eve of the Sabbath of all times!) You don't need the period here, if you have that exclamation point. The rule is typically one end-punctuation per sentence.

That being said. Love the voice up there. ^ Loved how you described the scene. Now describe the wedding dress too. Describe the looks people give you. You don't need that opener up there at all. In fact, I'd prefer it if you just started here at the pizza shop. I can sort of see how you can immediately grab someone's attention with your dialogue there, but more than it grabbed our attention, it alienated us.

I was going against everything I had known my entire life, but I felt at the time it was necessary to know what it was like to be a regular teenager by actually experiencing it. I agree with Snoink. Experiencing what? What makes a Jewish teenager different from a normal teenager? And how does what you said in the first sentence (about wanting to be a normal teen, transitioning to this sentence? (about knowledge?) -> I was committed in the pursuit of knowledge, to find out a general truth without the use of my personal prejudices or preconceived notions. I came to public school for this very reason, how could I deny myself this opportunity for personal experimentation?

Well, I got exactly what I asked for. After conversing in Starbucks about the fundamentals of religion and its practicality in the modern world, and the current state of Israel in foreign affairs what does Israel have to do with religion/gays...which is the topic of this essay, no?, I had met my match. For the first time, my views were truly questioned and I had to defend both to Todd and to myself why I believed what I did. Oi, the sentence was rather long, so cut it up. The “I was brought up this way” answer was not going to suffice. That was the day when I knew we needed to be friends, for I had never been able to discuss religion, politics, and theory with anyone in such depth before. I would make the friendship work despite our differing views.

Our friendship was blossoming
The time jump here is kind of awkward. I mean, I'm all for time-jumps, but perhaps the "telling" of it jarred me. It's like someone saying:
Man, I can't wait for that party tonight.

The party last night was great. ???

You're leading up to something and then skipping right over it O-O

but I soon had to decide whether it was becoming a rose with thorns or thorns with a rose. Your only metaphor in this entire piece. Emphasize it. Make it stronger! One night, the friend I had known so warmly told me he was gay; the first gay person I had ever encountered. This seems repetitive. Isn't this the same boy at the pizza shop? We already knew he was gay and that he was the first gay person you encountered... o_o

This was no grand revelation on a mountain Wha...? Mountain? . A friend has told me before he did, to lessen the blow, and prevent an overreaction to the news. The painful truth about this time was I couldn’t accept it. How could someone I liked so much identify himself with something that I clearly learned and thought was immoral? I didn’t think he was any less of a person for being gay, but I still didn’t see how this was a good thing. My question is...is this the same boy in the pizza shop? Because if it is, then you're contradicting yourself here, before you told us, despite differing views, you were going to pursue the friendship. Now you can't accept it?

Or maybe, you are time skipping again, and this part here is actually a flashback? In that case - write the opening sequence in present tense or something. Or make the flashback transitions clearer.

How could someone I cared about so deeply have such a flawed moral compass? Todd’s needle moral compass? was fine, mine however, wasn’t. How could I pride myself on such high morals when I was acting so judgmental? Aren’t we all G-d’s creations? Weren’t we all made in His image?

After spending more time with Todd, my views altered. I truly learned to understand him and homosexuality in general through being close to him. I sat in my room pondering and realized that it did not matter. So what if he liked other boys? He was one of the nicest, most giving generous? people I ever met. He was the same person who had been there for me, who had made me laugh during the darkest of days, and who had so much admired my own personal choices as I dressed and acted differently from my peers.

Months later, after accepting Todd was a non-issue, Oi, the time-skips throughout this piece are so awkward. I feel like I'm being thrown about. I can't place anything in any real order. I realized just how critical the other people in my life were about homosexuality. A youth group friend asked me how I was becoming more religious if I had a gay best friend, the two were mutually exclusive in his mind, whereas for me, I think by learning to accept people who are different from myself, I have become a better human being and thus feel closer to the entity that created us all. That is a HUGE run-on. Break it up.

The summer was ending, and I found myself alone in Union Square. Passing by all the places I had discovered, fought in, and learned in, I felt sick to my stomach. I stumbled into the Andy Warhol monument nearly in tears, and couldn’t help but think that I wasn’t the same girl who’d been walking the area only a year earlier. I could appreciate Pruitt’s caption after my struggle to accept something I had so judged, and could empathize with Warhol’s plight and the plight of the millions of other misunderstood people who came to New York to become the people they wanted to be. I was truly grateful to live in a place where everyone can be who they want to be, something that should be celebrated.

I’m still involved with my Jewish community in every possible way. But, by stepping out of my comfort zone, the friendship I have pursued with Todd has afforded me the ability to accept and be open minded towards other people with different beliefs.

I want to meet the Todds of the world. I love this line

Okay! So this is a great start, just needs a bit of polishing up and rearranging to make the transitions cleaner.

The goods:

Your title, brilliant and certainly unusual. It made me want to read what this was about.
Your topic. Certainly relevant to one of today's most controversial issues.
Your voice. Could use a bit of sharpening, but overall, it was pretty good throughout. There were a couple of beautiful sentences here and there.

I hope this helps. I know I was being a bit harsh, but if it's for a University, then I figured I should be as thorough as possible.

~ as always, Audy