Young Writers Society

Preface: This is a personal essay I am writing for admissions to university. In this essay I really wanted who I am to come out, and I hope it did. Of course, all constructive criticism is welcome. Happy reading!

The Things I Carry

I am a pilgrim. My backpack contains my bare necessities: clothes, toiletries, a few dollars, and my journal. I look towards the map and decide on a destination; preference is extended towards the five boroughs and the Metropolitan Transit Authority, but occasional excursions on the Long Island Rail Road and Metro North are granted for good behavior, wallet permitting.

Throughout high school my personal journey has flourished from the good will of friends, friends of friends, and random people I have met who opened their doors to me for the weekend. A seemingly unusual phenomenon to the average bystander, opening your house to company is a common practice for religious Jews. There is a concept in the Torah known as Hachnasat Orchim or welcoming guests, an opportunity I exploit on a weekly basis. Almost every weekend for the Jewish Sabbath, I sleep over at a different family’s house. Besides the freedom I have acquired and the maturity it takes to travel alone, the thing I always carry with me is home.

For me, home is not and never will be a place. In a fast paced ever-changing world susceptible to natural disasters, greed, and unfortunate happenings, material objects and places are poor investments for attachment. Home is a mental feeling that I am comfortable with the path I am taking and happy with how I am living my life.

Wherever I go, I learn from my hosts what it means to give; the only true way of getting. True giving requires selflessness and donating your time to help others. By receiving unconditional hospitality, I undoubtedly feel the desire to dedicate my resources to benefiting other people, hence my staunch involvement with my Jewish community. Almost every minute of my time not spent on school is spent running learning events, programs, and trips for other Jewish teenagers and people interested in Jewish culture, or thinking of ways to better myself. I meet many different people from all over the world with stories to tell and advice to be shared; stories of survival, of faith, and of determination and advice for the continuity of thousand year old traditions.

My travels, along with attending a diverse NYC high school, have made me both a physical adventurer and more academically inquisitive. I enjoy encountering new people, ideas, perspectives, and concepts; I take these on my next sojourn. I haven’t seen it all, but I have seen a lot, and I am excited for what is in store for the college years. My open nature, low maintenance, and sense of wonder are what I will carry with me always.

Hi Becca!

I really like this piece and I definitely have a sense of who you are after reading it. Since it's going to be for University admissions, it needs to be as perfect as possible so I'll try to be a little persnickety. I love the concept of this piece, but it's got a lot of ideas and information and each idea seems disconnected from the next. So all my suggestions are purely on writing style. Feel free to ignore though

I love the first paragraph, it's very clever and the first sentence especially made me want to keep reading. However, it feels too short and a little choppy; I love the backpack line but the first line, where it says 'I am a pilgrim' has a big impact on the reader and needs to be at least semi-explained before they can appreciate the backpack line, which to me also had a big impact as the average person has more stuff than would fit in a backpack! I would change up the structure a little bit and possibly add in some words to make it smoother/more connected etc. For example

]I am a pilgrim. Every weekend/week/Sabbath etc I look towards the map and decide on a destination; preference is extended towards the five boroughs and the Metropolitan Transit Authority, but occasional excursions on the Long Island Rail Road and Metro North are granted for good behavior, wallet permitting. My backpack contains my bare necessities: clothes, toiletries, a few dollars, and my journal.

That way my curiosity about what you mean by pilgrim is not completely satisfied - I still want to keep reading - but I wouldn't be skipping ahead to read the explanation about Hachnasat Orchim (which I did)

On to the next - I'm going to be very nitpicky with this paragraph - I would just suggest changing/adding in a few words so that it flows from one idea to the next more smoothly. Right now, it feels a little bit disorganized, and again choppy.

Throughout high school my personal journey has flourished from the good will of friends, friends of friends, and random people strangers? I have met who opened their doors to me for the weekend. A seemingly unusual phenomenon to the average bystander, opening your house to company is a common practice for religious Jews. There This is a concept in the Torah known as Hachnasat Orchim or welcoming guests, an opportunity I exploit on a weekly basis. Almost every weekend for the Jewish Sabbath, I sleep over at a different family’s house. Besides the freedom I have acquired and the maturity it takes to travel alone, the thing I always carry with me is home.

-I crossed out random people because even though you hadn't met them before, they're not really random, are they? Rather you're all part of what I imagine is a fairly small population of religious Jews in the NYC area who participate in Hachnasat Orchim. Although I'm not sure I like using strangers either, both that and 'random' have negative connotations to me. But yeah, thought I'd point it out so you could look and decide if you want to change it or not.
-The second sentence also needs to be reworded a little bit because it's unclear. Many people open their houses to company so it left me a bit confused. What's different about how religious Jews open their houses? Maybe change the word 'company' to something more specific - I suggest 'pilgrims' since that's a word that will, again, make a big impact on the reader.

Finally, I want to know more about Hachnasat Orchim - why these families open their homes to you, why you participate in it, how it has impacted you etc. I love the part about what home means to you but I think taking that paragraph, and the last line from this paragraph, and making that the penultimate paragraph would tie everything together better and be less jumpy. Then the part that begins Wherever I go, could come right after I sleep over at a different family's house (although probably in a new paragraph still) because it explains more of those things. Also,

By receiving unconditional hospitality, I undoubtedly feel the desire to dedicate my resources to benefiting other people

that sounds very awkward. Receiving unconditional hospitality has given me the desire to helping other people and involving myself heavily in the Jewish community , perhaps. Something with less words, but better words.

My travels, along with attending a diverse NYC high school, have made me both a physical adventurer and more academically inquisitive.

The struckthrough bit is unnecessary - they'll know that from the rest of the application, and it's both irrelevant to and less interesting than your travels. And then finally in the last sentence, which I think is great, you may want to find a way to mention home again, since that concept seems very important to you but yet it isn't there. Along with home, my sense of wonder... or something. Just, again, make sure it doesn't feel too disconnected.

So that was a much longer review than I meant to write, I hope it made sense! Definitely message me if it didn't. Also, all my suggestions are just suggestions, but you have such great ideas that I want to make sure that the reader gets them in all their glory. Anyway, good luck with your applications, and your travels!

Carrie

Hey, Becca! Sorry for the slight delay. Life likes to get in the way sometimes.

So a paper for university! I remember these. Goodness, did the prompts get interesting! They were fun to write though, since they weren't so hardcore about what they wanted. You were given lots of room for creativity and expression. Which is, of course, our area of expertise, ja? ;D

Considering it's a paper for university, I'll try to say as much as I can. I won't do any grammar edits or anything yet, but let me know when you need that final edit. I'd be happy to lend a second pair of eyes!

First off, I love your idea. The title and how it ties into your paper is extremely awesome! Makes me so happy, and that first paragraph is so pretty. You remind me of me and how I write papers! I always do those metaphorical story things if I can. They always prove so effective! So way to go.

I think my biggest concern with the piece is how disorganized it is. Now, you don't really need to follow the five-paragraph-type deal, but I think any successful paper has a thesis and points. Whether the paper flows together like a narrative or marks everything out like an instruction is up to the writer, but overall, it should be clear as to what the paper is exactly about. By the end of the introduction, I should be able to depict what exactly is going to be talked about. With what we have here, I'm assuming the first two paragraphs are the "introduction," so to speak. When I first read this, I thought that last sentence "Besides the freedom...with me is home," was the thesis and expected a paper about what you considered home was. But nah, I got a paragraph. xD So I'm a bit confused as to the point of this paper.

To further elaborate, it sounds like a mish-mash of thoughts. A rambling of sorts! One thought leads to another which leads to another, but in the end, I/the reader has no idea how it all ties together or why the writer is writing about this in the first place. Do you see what I mean?

I found the second to last paragraph (the bit about your Jewish background) extremely interesting, and it definitely shows what kind of person you are. I think maybe picking this paragraph out and building on it will help you out more. But actually... It kind of depends what you want to talk about here -- owait. Look what I rediscovered:

My open nature, low maintenance, and sense of wonder are what I will carry with me always.

Bingo.

This sounds like your thesis. This is the point of your entire paper. When I see this sentence, this three-point thesis sentence, I should be able to depict which point goes in which part of the paper. Giving each point its own paragraph will help organize your thoughts better, and then you can get fancy with the organizing after that. For instance, try outlining your piece. Intro, point 1, point 2, point 3, conclusion. Introduction and conclusion tie together in explaining the purpose of those three points, and each point discusses itself further into detail as to why its important.

So using your piece and comparing it with your thesis, it's not very clear where all your points came from! And also, when it comes to a three-point thesis, keep the points in order as they come in the paper. It'll help reinforce the idea further into the reader's head. Kind of like unintentional assistance to the reader!

When organizing your piece, take those three points (assuming I guessed your thesis correctly, of course) as what I have outlined in the spoiler. The questions vary, depending on topics, but they're about as general as I can make them. And this could very well be review from all those high school papers you've done, so sorry if I'm annoying you! <3



And I think that'll cover it for now. Basically, go through and reorganize your paper so it doesn't sound like a rambling blog of a teenage girl! You have a mishmash of lovely thoughts that can easily turn into a beautiful work of art with a little more thought and planning. I hope my review helped or made some sense to you! Good luck with the university, and feel free to ask any questions or for further edits/reviews. <3

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I look towards the map and decide on a destination; preference is extended towards the five boroughs and the Metropolitan Transit Authority- This statement suddenly seemed oddly stated, but after reading the next portion though it makes sense, but occasional excursions on the Long Island Rail Road and Metro North are granted for good behaviour- spelling error, wallet permitting.
………… In a fast paced ever-changing world susceptible to natural disasters, greed, and unfortunate happenings, material objects and places are poor investments for attachment.I really liked this statement:D Home is a mental feeling that I am comfortable with the path I am taking and happy with how I am living my life. This sentence is missing sth, maybe punctuation somewhere, or some words
I meet many different people from all over the world with stories to tell and advice to be shared; stories of survival, of faith, and of determination and advice for the continuity of thousand year old traditions. …………. I haven’t seen it all, but I have seen a lot, and I am excited for what is in store for the college years. My open nature, low maintenance, and sense of wonder are what I will carry with me always. Certainly the idea of closing sentence s meant to be epic, and epic it was.
Well I’ll compare the essays of yours I’ve already read to this- When I read this, I know it’s for a college application- even without you stating that. It was certainly more abt the you in real life, on a n overall and stating what matters most of you and to you. But the girl I FELT in the last essays- She’s taking the wheel was the best- isn’t here, here I see you. I see that Religion plays a big importance in your life. I donno wat u need or want but don’t gve d 1 abt ur friend it’s not abt u