Young Writers Society

Love, is gentle Love is nice... ( drum beat)

maybe a little sorrow so you may cry,....(drum beat)

But I advise take my way.

Don't spend your life another way!

Hear my word, hear me cry!

Take him on( on is said high and long) the swing and rise!

'Lo again, Winie.


It looks as if you've got lyrics here, not specifically Lyric poetry. So I'll move it the right forum.


As to the piece itself: You have a general sentiment about love. That's all right; it could be the theme of a song or piece of poetry. But it's hard to get much feel for it when it's only a few phrases 'defining' love and telling one what to do with it.

Illustrate it. Show the reader what it looks and sounds and feels like. What images do you get, thinking of it? could they fit into words?

Try it, anyhow. I think it'll make this stronger; and a better read and write. ^_^




IMP

To say that this was only short, I actually found it repetetive but that's probably because you end two lines with way and two with cry. This song needs more imagination, it needs description and it needs to be a bit longer. What you have so far is pleasant enough but it does need quite a bit of work.

Try adding in a similie or a metaphor. Like, paint a picture of your ideas on love. Is it good? Bad? A waste of time? It's nice that you put in what's going on in the background, like the drums and how you say "on" and all.

It is very short, though. Is there a specific tune that this goes to? If it's a song you're writing, you might find it easier to base the words on a tune you already know. For example, in the wars, when soldiers made up songs, they used tunes that they already knew, like "Oh, Susanna" or "Three Cheers for the Red, White and Blue" or "Auld Lang Syne".

Try that, and I hope this helps.

-Twit

I don't think this belongs in "lyric poetry" more of just poetry, I like it, it's down to the point and it did not bore me, whivh is good, you don't want to annoy the reader just thought I'd let you know.

That's a really good peom