Young Writers Society

My first kiss was a goodbye kiss,
my my my first word was goodbye,
you can’t keep me to yourself, no
no matter how hard you try, OHHHH

I been leaving you baby,
ever since we first met.
I been leaving you baby,
it just aint happened yet.

Who knew that a girl like me
would take you on such a ride?
If you knew what I’d do to you
you’d a had to run and hide.

Oh my goodness that is AMAZING!! Brava brava! So much emotion and I could feel the way she felt. It was amazing

Keep on Writing
-Roxy

I'll go ahead and assume that this is unfinished. ^^

FLyerS wrote:My first kiss was a goodbye kiss,
my my my first word was goodbye,
you can%u2019t keep me to yourself, no
no matter how hard you try, OHHHH

I'm afraid to say I'm not too fond of this stanza. Saying a word, in this case "kiss", twice in one line is a little distracting and also kind of annoying. Repeating "my" thrice seems like a filler, as though you couldn't think of anything else to lengthen the line. As for the third line, it's too telling. Uninteresting. And as for crying "Ohhhh" at the end, it doesn't seem like an emotional enough song to get away with that kind of thing, and also a forced rhyme with "no".

FLyerS wrote:I been leaving you baby,
ever since we first met.
I been leaving you baby,
it just aint happened yet.

I've never been fond of speaking in a grammatically incorrect way, purposefully, in lyrics. "I been" can easily be changed to "I've been" and it wouldn't take anything away from the song, except for maybe that pet peeve. It's unnecessary and, again, distracting.

FLyerS wrote:Who knew that a girl like me
would take you on such a ride?
If you knew what I'd do to you
you'd a had to run and hide.

Well, you said earlier you're always leaving, so I assumed a "girl like you" always left, and thus, you would expect that kind of girl to "take you on such a ride". Though I would change that wording, personally, because rides are generally thought of as fun or crazy, and this is neither. It's just leaving. The rhyming, again, seems forced, and it would do this piece some good to get a little more creative.

I know how hard it is to write lyrics, but that doesn't mean I'd go easy on you. xD And I didn't, but I hope I wasn't too harsh, y'know? Nevermind that this isn't my kind of music anyway. I think it would benefit you to incorporate your thoughts and feelings into your writing a little more. This piece was absolutely telling, and I couldn't get into it at all. It isn't very strong through the words, and the lyrics are the most important thing in the song, not the melody, unless the lyrics are vague and can be interpreted several ways. I hope to see you take some of my advice in the future.

Keep on writing!

>>Annie<<

Thanks for the review. It's funny, though, you say the lyrics should be "I've been" but in normal speech (at least around where I live) "I been" is just how I talk! It didn't even register that "I've been" was a possibility!
This song is unfinished. I actually tried to delete something, but I couldn't, so I just replaced it with whatever I could find.

promiscuity is degrading. Anway, this was okay even though it's not finished. I also fail to understand why you rated it 18.

I like it, there is definitely emotion, and I can really imagine music, it isn't one of those songs with an indistinct mood, Good Job!