Young Writers Society

Have you,
Ever felt,
As though the walls,
are closing,
in on you?

Have you,
Ever seen,
The world crash
around you?

Chorus:
Do you know what its like?
To be in the dark?
Have you ever been alone,
In a crowded room?
Do you feel my heart beating?
Or is it just me?
Should my eyes not be seeing what they see?


I know,
you feel the way I feel.
And I know,
that you see the pain.
Don't let yourself see red.

I see blue,
I see tears,
I see God crying.

CHORUS

BRIDGE
Help me,
Help me,
Help me,
Help me,
Help me.

CHORUS

Help me,
Dear God.

I think this is a good song and it definitley has potentional but it also needs a lot of work.

Have you,
Ever felt,
As though the walls,
are closing,
in on you?

Have you,
Ever seen,
The world crash
around you?

These two verses seemed extremely choppy to me. Normally the sentence would go like this, "Have you ever felt as though the walls are closing in on you?" That's how I would read it but as I was reading your the commas made me pause and I didn't like the sound of it. It sounded like the person was stuttering or something. But that's just my opinion.

Do you know what its like?
To be in the dark?
Have you ever been alone.
In a crowded room?
Do you feel my heart beating?
Or is it just me?
Should my eyes not be seeing what they see?

Very nicely done. I really like the chrous. Except get rid of the period after along because it's not the end of a sentence. And consider commas after the first lines because it's also not a full sentence. For example:

Do you know what its like [Comma]
To be in the dark?

Help me,
Help me,
Help me,
Help me,
Help me.

I'm no song expert and perhaps this song is personal to you, but I'm not a fan of one phrase songs that just keep repeating the same thing over and over. Your song seems so emotional so I think using one word takes away from that.

Overall I noticed your verses weren't very even. If you put a song to music (I'm not sure if you already have) your verses have to be even so you can use the same music for the entire song. I'm not seeing this very well put to music for that reason.

The best part of your poem was the chorus and all the emotion you put into it. I could definitely feel what you meant for your reader to feel and I think this could be either a song or poetry because of it's emotion. Great work

This is a sweet song. I like its message, but you might want to put a little bit more into the bridge. Simply repeating "help me" doesn't seem to do your pretty song justice! And the first couple of verses are a bit weak, maybe you could add more? Keep writing. You're fantastic!

Hmm, this song seemed to be a bit rushed (perhaps, I'm wrong). I also felt that some of it was a bit choppy as well and there is one mistake that I noticed below

Chorus:
Do you know what its like?
To be in the dark?
Have you ever been alone,
In a crowded room?
Do you feel my heart beating?
Or is it just me?
Should my eyes not be seeing what they see?

"Its" should be "it's"
Also, the part where you said "help me" numerous times seems to be out of place and really didn't add much to it. Although, I do give you credit for trying to write a religious song. Relgious songs aren't always easy to write because a lot of them come off being too corny.

How have I never seen this song? It's beautiful and you should see me grooving in a gospel choir way. Nice. I don't have anything to add since everything's been said.

- Marco.

Heya, DramaLlama!

Very nice piece you have here. It's sad but well-written! The voice comes through very clearly, and you used your images very well for your message. Awesome!

You could tell you were a poet with the way you structured the first two stanzas. XD I trust that's not how it's sung in the song? Otherwise, it'd be one of those songs that like to make me stop breathing after every line. It's choppy, and choppiness screws me up. xD It gets distracting from the song itself, but I assume that it's not sang quite as annoyingly!

I also thought your first two stanzas were the very meat of your song. You were getting somewhere with those images, reaching out for that message of your song--and then you don't quite make it. The song falls right back into misery and pleas for help, so I didn't feel like I hit the climax of the song like I could've.

I see blue,
I see tears,
I see God crying.

I've a couple things to say on this! First, I love it. I love how it emphasizes what the speaker can see, which ties in extremely well with the last line of your chorus. It works incredibly well.

The last line though, I don't understand. I'm not sure why God would be crying. The song doesn't quite explain why. The speaker might be crying! I'm not sure how God got roped into it in this way though. Especially when I think about the last line to when the speaker asks God to help. So the speaker thinks God... is helpless in their case? I'm not sure. It's rather silly, so maybe I'm criticizing the speaker and not the song in this case. If that's true, then ignore, I guess. xD

The bridge wasn't much of a bridge, I don't think. XD It was just filler repetition. Songs have this, so fine! It's cool! But I think the song needs a new bridge as well, to better identify what the song is. It's your last chance to clear up what you're trying to say with the song, so make it a good one! Oh, and also! I haven't found a "hear me" phrase anywhere in here nor a similar reference. Lots of "help mes" and begging, but nothing that references listening or sound. So I haven't really pinpointed an awesome correlation between the song and the title.

Otherwise, you've got a great start here! I wish I could hear it with the music. We're always at a disadvantage because of that, so use your best judgment when you edit! Great job.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Wow! I loved this! I tried singing it to my guitar and it really worked! Good job. Keep up the good work and keep writing! You seem like a really good song writer! I like the first verse