Young Writers Society

OMG This is so beautiful! You have a lovely lovely LLLLOVELY way of writing! I've been on this site only for a few days, and i know that they are some awesome stuff!!!! Woww!!! xxxx

Lovely Lyrics.

All in all, I'd actually love to know the tune you put the words to. I was tapping my feet to some sort of unknown rythme without knowing the proper tune so maybe add in some chords, or tell us the song you wrote the words to and we'll really be able to get intouch with the meaning of your lyrics.

Once was a believer,
How could I believe them.

My nit-pick here is your repetition of 'believe'. It's quite a short verse so your variety of words is quiet important. I suggest you look up a thesauras to help you.

Another thing, I know it's hard but I'd love a bit more depth in your words. It's quite a shallow feeling piece, we havn't got that much to relate to as the tone of the song in general is quite distant. It deosn't seem as though you're expressing yourself thruogh music whihc, I think, is vital. Depth and expression are both important when being a songwriter.

YOU have got something here but it's not filling it's full potential. We need to see it expand and fill up it's mould to get the best out of it. I suggest you edit, flikc thrugh the thesauras and find new words that will help you dig deeper into the lyrics.

Good luck! And if you have any questions pop a note on my wall.
Kagi xoxo

Hello, Jaetwee!

I really, really liked this. I wish I could've heard the music 'cause I most certainly felt some beat in my head. I'm hearing some guitar with this for sure, maybe some extra small percussion noise. Though also a piano version would be beautiful!

In fact, there's only one nitpick I really have with this. It sounds like all the "they" and "their" in this song is the songbirds. So the speaker is depending on the songbirds yet they're really upset with them? For instance, right in the beginning:

Songbirds,
Pretty li'l songbirds.
Why don't you come and sing for me
And tell me your tales.
Oh, songbirds,
You pretty li'l songbirds.
Come and fly to me
And take me away.

Sounds like the speaker really wants those songbirds to come help her out. The speaker's probably sitting in this prison, wherever they're stuck, and hears the birds chirping/singing; so the speaker's talking to them! I'm all good with that, and I actually found that concept really awesome. Then I went to the next verse:

'Cause someday,
They gonna set me free.
Release me
From the throes of this world.
Yeah, someday,
I'll escape from here.
Nobody to catch my tears,
No, not anymore.

So this is what I got after this verse: "You pretty li'l songbirds. Come and fly to me, and take me away 'cause someday they gonna set me free." So the speaker wants the songbirds to save her 'cause someone else is going to set them free. Do you see what I mean? xD The speaker goes from talking to the songbirds, but then it seems like they're talking *about* them instead. A switch of perspective/POV! That's what I mean. *hits self* So I was confused as to who the speaker is angry with, and I don't think it's the songbirds!

One other part is this:

Once was a believer,
Once was just a dreamer.
Come take my dreams
'N tear them apart.

Nooow the speaker wants the songbirds to tear apart their dreams? Or even if that's wrong, why does the speaker want someone to tear apart their dreams? D: Maybe I got the wrong impression and it's a good thing to have your dreams torn apart. It sounds ferocious though. D:

But that's reeeeally it. Seriously! It's not much pickiness. Just some clarification 'cause the lyrics confused me a bit! The song has serious potential though, so do edit and polish it. It's really awesome, and I'm pleased with it! In fact, I'm suddenly reminded I have this little ability: *likes*

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!