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Skeleton Girl



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Sun Oct 02, 2011 5:37 pm
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Vervain says...



Spoiler! :
This is a recently written kind-of story-scene thing I've been trying to write for a couple of hours. It probably sounds a little strange, and there's been little to no editing. Please, feel free to do whatever you like in dissecting this.


It was night. The colours were dancing and screaming and swirling, threatening me as they flew over my head, flame and moonlight illuminating the faces of my father and my brothers until they were something morphed, something odd. They looked like skeletons in the streetlight – I looked like a skeleton, too. I was a skeleton in a torn dress, holding my father’s hand as tightly as I could while my feet tapped out a strange pattern on the pavement. A skeleton’s dance from a skeleton girl.

My father’s dance was heavier, weighing on the heels and toes. His metal feet were loud against the stony road. He sounded more like a horse than a skeleton man, but I knew he was my father: His frightening dance was there to protect me, and I sunk into his side, trying to hide from all the colours and sights that assaulted me. My brothers were lively, their dances stuttering as my father pulled them back with words. They skipped ahead still, their feet sounding out music, and it was music that distracted me from the world that lived around me and told me I was nothing but a dust mote. The night’s screams had blown me away already, and now I was just a shell of myself, clinging to that which shielded me.

I hesitated, the music breaking when a real scream cut the air, and my father was dragging me to the door of one of the war-song buildings, my brothers falling back to his side. We knew that horrible things happened in the city, and we always got to where we were going twice as fast if we heard anything.

We were summer skeletons, our feet clacking on stone, thin as bones compared to the man standing at the door. He was a fleshy mass that looked at me like the grandfather clock back home did, accusingly: Tick tock, tick tock, the grandfather said. Why so quiet, Ana? This man, though, seemed to be accusing me of loudness.

He looked back at my father and sneered. “The cut-off age is four.” His nose wobbled as he spoke, a strange piece of poetry in action, and on the word four his eyes crinkled up into a mockery of a smile. He delighted in telling my father that I was too old.

“She’s only three,” my father lied. “Her birthday was in April.” I knew better: I was five, small for my age. My twin brother was twice my size. I didn’t say a word, though, knowing that speaking up would get my father in trouble. Trouble was the last thing our family needed.

The man took a step back and looked at me, his stomach jiggling like bread pudding. His eyes narrowed again, this time suspiciously: Was my father telling the truth? “No,” he said after a minute of contemplation, “she has to be at least four. Girl, how old are you?”

“Three,” I said obediently, looking back up at him with my most pitiful expression – the one that helped me get second servings at dinner, or extra candy from the store. My father squeezed my hand.

“You see,” he said to the doorman. “How often do children lie about their ages?” The man returned to his position and shook his head. I could almost swear he growled at us when he let us in, but my father only smiled, as any good politician must. He was a puffed-up bird who loved to preen his feathers, but his music was different from everyone else’s, wonderful and strange.

The rest of the night was something of a blur; it sped up and slowed down as it wished. As we cut through the crowd, as we found our seats, nothing stayed for long in my mind. I could remember what the beginning of the play was like, with a beautiful woman in an even more beautiful dress, glowing like a peacock – I could remember the true music, the songs, the instruments that echoed while the huge crowd was silent, all listening – I could remember the boy, around my older brother’s age, who pelted me with scraps of paper and asked me what I was doing there.

“Watching,” I told him, and looked back at the stage.

“Well, you’re a girl. I had to ask.” He didn’t bother me after that, except to trip me in the doorway while everyone was exiting. I remembered his grin after that, when my father stood over him and told him to help me up, but he just darted away. My older brother Henry said that he was just one of the boys in school, and I shouldn’t worry, because the boys did that kind of thing all the time.

I didn’t quite mind when I found that there was another rip in my dress, at the hem, but I knew Mother would be furious. She would look at me like the grandfather clock and the doorman and say that she knew something was going to happen, and I shouldn’t go outside any more. No matter what Father said, I wouldn’t be allowed out for a week.

Then, the grandfather would look at me again, while I helped my mother sew up my dress, and it would say, Ana, why are you so quiet? Ana, why don’t you sing?

The only answer to that was ever, “I’m not allowed to sing,” and I could remember thinking that, replying to the grandfather’s question in my head, but it was late, and I was young. I fell asleep walking, halfway home, and my father carried me the rest of the way.

When I awoke, the night was a memory and the music was an echo; the skeletons had turned into ghosts, people in the day. A few winding stretches of song raced through my head, but it was sunrise, and breakfast was at sunrise. I couldn’t worry about the night before at sunrise; there was work that needed to be done, no matter what.

Still, I tried to remember, but the most that came back was that boy’s mocking smile. I didn’t think he was joking.
stay off the faerie paths
  





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Sun Oct 02, 2011 7:15 pm
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SmylinG says...



Hi there, Ancientforever. :]

So I read in your spoiler that this was meant to be a story/scene type of thing. It sort of explains why I couldn't grasp the concept of anything that was going on. Not to a fair extent, but I could at least see what this was to you when you wrote it. There were indeed a couple things that I found off with this which didn't quite sit right with me. In an overall sense, I found it rather befuddling.

For one, I have no clue at all the setting this scene takes place in. It's simply a scene. I'm not sure why, but my mind went leaning towards early 1920's for some reason or other. In a Chicago area. I really had no idea where it took place but from the small cracks in your description this is simply what I gathered from imagination. You'll be able to see if I'm way off, that I did not grasp where you were coming from at all in the setting. For this I wish you might have been a tad bit more clear. It doesn't take much at all to be suggestive with settings. Just be sure that you are clear when you're painting any scene.

Another thing I wanted to bring to light was the narration of the story. You have it told in a sort of present tense, in the eyes of a girl. In the beginning of the story, I gathered this girl night be a bit older. Mid teens or so. But no, she's only five. It was quite a shock up until the middle and end of the story. Then I just took it for what it was. It all sounded rather mature I suppose, so maybe that's where I get this from. I also did not understand why her father and her had to lie about her age. There was a cut off age but for what? Little girls? Men and boys could be as old as they wanted? Is that why the mother wasn't present? I really don't know.

Your characters confused me as well. You have a father, two brothers, and this youngest little one who is the narrator of the story. Then you have a mother who is all but absent until the end. Your characters seem to be out and about, but why would the mother not be present? Where are they even? I have absolutely no clue at all. A play? A movie? Out to see a show or some orchestra? I really don't know. And why would the mother not be present in the midst of it all? She's just missing. I found it rather odd how the only point she was brought up was when the little girl ripped her dress. And even then there seemed to be no reason or cause or that. She had a mean brother.

I couldn't tell if you were attempting to be metaphoric or what with this whole "skeleton" thing. It honestly through me off for the most part. In the beginning of the story I wondered if you were being morbid and colorful with your writing. But I never ended up understanding what you meant by these people being skeletons and the one man, whoever he was, was more meaty and less skeleton than the rest of them. Be a bit more open, because I'm honestly not taking in what you wanted me to.

Another thing, one basic overall thing I suppose I wanted to bring up is the concept of this. Usually with any scene or short story, there is reason to the colorful madness that which writers paint their pictures. A message of some kind. Symbolism maybe. I gathered nothing like that with this. Which was in the greatest way dissappointing in my eyes. :[ I hoped that by the end I would understand, I would comprehend what you were hoping to get at, but I never did. Nothing ever quite came to me. This was perhaps the greatest flaw.

Now don't be discouraged by my words and what I say. I most sincelerly do not mean to put you down. One thing I did find with this was that you indeed have a very interesting writing style. Your words come out quite smoothly and beautiful. You seem to have an angle, just no direction. What I would like to see you do with this and any future writing is pinpoint the message or downright basic point that lies beneath it all. I want to be able to understand what you're writing and to be able to soak it all in like one enormous flowing thought. Be clear, never unsure of yourself. And don't go for the obvious simple picture.

I hope nothing I've said may have come off too blunt or mean. I'm really just struggling to understad you as a writer. Perhaps you're an enigma I'll soon figure out. :] Keep up the writing, Ancient. Don't let my misunderstanding get you down, build from it. I'll be willing to come back should you alter this in any way and are looking for an
honest second opinion!

-Smylin'
Paul is my little, evil, yellow bundle of joy.
  





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Sun Oct 02, 2011 7:40 pm
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Vervain says...



Oh, thank you so much! I was having trouble with writing this with any direction this morning because I was mostly sick, and I still have a bit of my headache, but I can get this down in my notebook better than it comes out typed.

I know my setting needs some work, but I was trying to get something down before I forgot about it. This is an idea that's been dancing on the edge of my mind, and I didn't want to lose it, so I managed something that conveys much less than I would like it to. I'll probably write it in my notebook in a smoother form - hopefully! - and be able to get it edited up on here later.
stay off the faerie paths
  





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Sun Oct 02, 2011 7:56 pm
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Jas says...



Hey,

I like this but it needs a bit of help.

ancientforever wrote: It was night.


Very nice first line. Simple but makes me want to continue reading.

The next few lines are also very nice, good sentence structure, brilliant imagery. I especially like the last sentence in the first paragraph. It's when we come to this:

ancientforever wrote: His metal feet


that we have a bit of a problem. You say that they're all skeletons in a metaphorical sense, then you mix up metaphors and say the father has metal feet. While it's a nice way to describe it, what I see in my head doesn't fit and it's a very weird image.

ancientforever wrote:He sounded more like a horse than a skeleton man,


You're contradicting yourself by saying he was skeleton but he had metal feet but he was a horse. I suggest, take out the bit about the father being a skeleton, leave that to the children and alter the way you describe his metal feet and horseliness.

The next lines are good, even imagery and a sense of Jack Ripper-Halloween Night sort of atmosphere.

ancientforever wrote:His nose wobbled as he spoke, a strange piece of poetry in action


I don't like this. How is a nose like poetry? This seems sort of random and not necessary.

You say the father is a politician later on, but you also say that 'trouble is not needed in our family'. If he's a politician, why would he have to answer to fat bouncers with bread pudding stomachs? Wouldn't he just be allowed in with the sort of amnesty those will political power are given?

You speak of music a lot. First you say it's intense and loud and crazy for everyone, then you switch over and say that the father's music is wonderful and strange. I think that you should really take the father out of the skeleton metaphor because you've compared him to too many things: a skeleton, metal, a horse and now a bird. It's confusing.

ancientforever wrote:who pelted me with scraps of paper


Maybe say pelted me with balls of paper? Paper is rather light and when you throw it, it tends to fall gently to the floor. It's got no weight, so it can't gain the proper momentum.

Ehm, after that, the story begins to make little sense. The grandfather clock telling Ana to sing, then they have breakfast, then she thinks about that boy who threw paper at her. It seems really random and to be honest, it makes Ana seem sort of mental. Not sure if that's your point, but she seems a little insane.

I don't like how cynical and observant Ana is. She's only five. How could she remember all this? How could she use this vocabulary and such? She's just a child. I don't remember things from when I was five and my little 6 year old cousin can barely remember what she ate for breakfast, let alone how beautiful someone is at an opera or play.

Also: What time period is this? Why isn't the mother with them? Why is the girl only allowed in if she's under4 years of age? These are things that SmylinG brought up that I also wondered, because when you're reading a story, it has to make sense.When you're writing poetry, you leave a lot up to the reader to understand and dissect and use their imagination to make sense of what has been told to them, but when you write prose, it needs to have a beginning, a middle and an end, it needs to have characters, which you have and plot, which you don't. You are a great writer and really understand how to make your ideas shown to the writer but does this make sense? No. Does it leave me with a sense of 'what the hell just happened.'? Yes.

Fix that and you'll have something beautiful here.

~Jas
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  





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Sun Oct 02, 2011 9:23 pm
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xDudettex says...



Hey there!

I haven't reviewed in a good while, so I apologise if this review isn't very helpful. I only skimmed the other's comments, so I'm sorry if I repeat all of what has already been said.

So, for something quite short, what stood out to me most was the imagery. It was lovely. I liked the constant mention of music. It was a nice little theme that you kept coming back to, but as for a story, I don't think this could be classed as one. I get that you see this more as a scene and I think you're right to do so. It was a nice snippet of someone's life, but that's all it was. There wasn't enough background to make any of what was being read, make sense. It just seemed like a fistful of ideas, rolled into a scene in what could eventually be a story. But for it to be a story you'd need to work on the characters.

For a start, I don't think the way the narrator, a five year old girl, is talking, is at all realistic. When I started reading, I imagined her to be at least fifteen. I don't think I know of, or have heard of, any five year old girl who could describe in the same way as the narrator does here. I think that's what sticks out to me the most. It just doesn't quite sit right with me.

Don't get me wrong, I think this has potential and I love the ideas you have and the way you've described things here, but I don't think it works as it is. There's definitely something about the way you write that makes me smile, though, so keep it up.

Good luck and I hope to read more from you in the future :)

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  








He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.
— Friedrich Nietzsche