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Young Writers Society


New Year's Death Song



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17 Reviews



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Points: 890
Reviews: 17
Sat Nov 05, 2005 4:58 am
Twitch111 says...



This something I wrote in like one minute and thought it up in less time, so please be gentle. :wink: This is the prologue.

A young girl exited her house. She was actually eleven years old. Her house was a townhouse. It had three stories and a small garden with a tree in the front. The house had two others on it's sides and was at the front of a loop. The girl had short brown hair that was kept out of her eyes by a head band. Behind her she pulled a rolling back pack. She walked down the street. A park was at her right surrounded on nearly all sides by smaller townhouses than that of the girls. To her left were others like her own house. She reached a grassy corner where a large sign stood. Around the sign stood other children. They all wore backpacks. They were going to school. The girl's name was Ailla. It was her first day of School in sixth grade. She wore a pair of jeans and a blue shirt.She was standing and talking to a girl with dark red hair. She wore jeans, a shirt, and a wide belt. The girl's name was Danny.The bus finally came. The children boarded it. Danny and Anilla went straight to the back were they were met by a boy their age. He had bright red hair and was heavily freckled. His name was Mat. He sat in the last seat on the right. Anilla sat in the back seat to the left. Danny sat in the seat in front of her. The three talked excitedly about the coming school year. The bus stopped at a couple of stops but no one else went to the back of the bus, so the three continued talking. At the third stop a small blond girl, and a moderate sized, blond boy boarded the bus. They both went to the back. The girl was named Jenny and the boy was named Derrick. They joined the conversation quickly. After a couple more stops another girl went to the back of the bus. She had red hair and wore a green shirt with jeans. Her name was Rianna. They finally reached the bus stop by the pool. There a moderate sized boy boarded and went to the back. He had black hair and a large nose. His name was Brahm. The bus stopped a couple more times, filling the bus up. The bus finally reached the school, it's name was Oak Leaf Elementary.
The group of friends went to the portables where the sixth grade teachers were. There they met up with a couple more friends. Their names were Marie, a short mexican girl, Kristina, a tall, sportive girl, Andrew, a medium sized boy, Cevin, a short blond boy, Jordan, a short, stubby boy, Patrick, a tall blond boy, and Rachel, a short african american girl.
After a few minutes of talking the bell rang. The children filed into class and chose a seat. Their teacher was Ms. Andrew. In this year much will change in the lives of these happy and innocent children. It will change from happiness to sadness and sadness to happiness. See how these children's lives in twine and intervene each others happiness into an others sadness with out realizing it.

P.S. Hope you like it. :D
  





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Mon Nov 07, 2005 4:24 am
Duskglimmer says...



Twitch111 wrote:This something I wrote in like one minute and thought it up in less time, so please be gentle. This is the prologue.

lol. gentle. right.

My biggest complaint with this is that you tell us everything, rather than showing us. You repeatedly use sentence structures like "Her name was Rianna" , "The school was Oak Leaf Elementry", she was this, he was that. It got boring after a while.

My second complaint is that it's all in one chunk. Try to break it up a little.

My third complaint is that there is no dialouge. You could show so much about these children and thier characters and how they interact with each other by dialouge. You could should show (going back to my first complaint :wink:) how old they are, how they like eachother, how they get along, or don't get along, and a million other things. You tell us that they're talking among themselves, but you don't tell us what they're saying.

Lastly, I just have to say, there is something about the title that just sounds really neat in my head. I like it alot. And I'm curious as to how you're going to continue this.
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 17
Tue Nov 08, 2005 3:58 am
Twitch111 says...



Yeah, I see what your saying. I will wait one or two more weeks to see if I get any more replies before I post it revised. When I do please tell me what you think of it.
  





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Sat Nov 12, 2005 11:51 am
Sohini says...



I hate to be rude and I really hate to be rude but I think I’ve got no other option. Is this a story?? If yes; where on Jupiter is the plot or anything other than describing people with hair colour, origin and dress code??????

Ailla became Anilla-how?!!
Anyway there are few grammatical mistakes too. If you DO want to only describe-no one’s stopping you –but can you please do a better description job? Your description is soooo monotonous. By the way, you should capitalize the names of the origin.

Your title is also very ill suited.
Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes : What mood is that?
Calvin : Last-minute panic.
  








I think the more you understand myths, the more you understand the roots of our culture and the more things will resonate.
— Rick Riordan