Young Writers Society

"My sister isn't dead, silly!" I said, smiling up at the counsel lady. "She just went on vacation, I think."

I looked into the counsel lady's eyes, wondering what she might say to me now.
I noticed that her eyes weren't grey and watery like most people had nowadays... (Especially Mama's eyes.) Her eyes weren't ugly and stony.
She had pretty eyes. Pretty like crystals. Mama used to say that about my eyes, until Bonnie didn't say "Hello" to me any more and I got sad.
"Has nobody... nobody has told you that Bonnie is not breathing?" The counsel lady whispered, laying her note-pad down.
She looked a bit shocked, actually. But then she seemed shocked that she said that out loud. She put a hand to her mouth. "I mean, not that it matters. I just mean that it's... it's been a year... And nobody has told you?"
"Yup. Mama told me, but it's not true. My mama, she lies sometimes..." I paused for a bit then.
She peered into my face.
But I didn't want her to know that I was sad, so I resumed smiling, determined.
"Yup," I said. "Like that day, when she told me we were all going on vacation."

"Amy Lee, how was she lying by telling you that you all were going to go on vacation?"

"We didn't all go on a vacation at all. Bonnie was in the hospital. And papa was on a work trip because he'd rather be with them, and not me."
"Now, now, now, now... I'm sure that's not true," she said, cuddling me. "Now Amy Lee, I want you to listen up. How would you feel about seeing me more often? I'm not sure whether or not your mother has told you about me, but I am a counsellor. Do you know what a counsellor is, Amy Lee?"
I was shocked. "The counsel are going to come and take me away?" I whispered, pulling away. "Don't let them take me from mama and Bonnie, please."

"No, my dear," she said, laughing merrily, oblivious to how I was feeling...
"A counsellor will fix you up, and help you to understand that your sister is not here any more. You can't just keep on talking to Bonnie when you know she is not here at all."
"Yes, you're right, Bonnie isn't here because she is on vacation! I told you that already!" I muttered. But the counsel lady wasn't having that. She was still looking at me. "And you... You can't do that!" I said. "'You going to fix me? To glue me up? What if you get all of the pieces the wrong way round?"
I began to scream, hysterical. "You can't fix me! You can't just glue me up... Because I'm not broken."
Counsel lady looked at me with her shiny blue-y crystal eyes. I think I saw Bonnie.
Her eyes didn't look quite so pretty any more.

"Your sister Bonnie is an angel now, Amy Lee. She is not on this planet any more. You can't talk to her."
"NO!" I screamed, jumping off of her lap.
I ran straight to Bonnie's room.
I saw the drip that was supposed to make her better; I saw the creaky, oak-y old bed that she spent a lot of time in, her little white head poking out just enough, so I could hear her say "Hello" to me. Her room.
"Hello... Hello, hello, hello..." I muttered, spinning in circles. "Bonnie, hello, I'm still here, hello, hello..." I listened closely. I put my ear on her wall. But I didn't even hear her croak.
I was sure that the counsel lady had broken my magic spell.

I wasn't going to hear my Bonnie any more.
"Hello!" I screamed, willing for her to reply.
She didn't, this time.

"Hello, hello, hello," I sobbed, sliding down the wall.

Hey there, Em!

I remember how much I loved this song when I first heard it long ago. I was actually a little confused right away, by the song because I didn’t understand it back then but now that you’ve actually filled me in on the meaning, it does make a lot more sense so thank you.

As far as the story goes, I’ve got a few things that did kind of scratch my readers eye the wrong way.

Police-y Lady It seems pretty silly, that –y at the end. I would have just stuck with Police Lady. Lady already covers the bases of being a bit childlike so you don’t need to make it doubly young.

Blunt The dialogue between the police woman and Amy Lee is a bit blunt. Actually, it seems crazy blunt to just out right tell a little kid that her sister isn’t breathing. I would maybe soften this up just a bit.

Why is a cop there at all??? I was wondering this actually as I typed up that last bit. If the death came from some sort of sickness, why would police need to be involved? I could understand a family therapist of sorts being there but not a cop. This part actually really confused the heck out of me. If someone or something is said/done/exists, in such a short piece, there really has to be a reason for it.


Anyways, as an overall story, I think you really captured the spirit of the song well. Good luck with the contest!

~lilymoore

I agree with much of what lilymoore said about this. The "Police-y lady" does seem a little silly after a while, not to mention that fact that this situation even has a cop in it is a bit confusing. That is, unless she wasn't a cop. If I recall, children often use the "-y" to describe someone who is LIKE something familiar (like a policewoman), but isn't actually that thing. It could be possible that the woman is maybe hospital security or something. That being said, the character of the little girl is well-realized. She practically screams the fact that she is a little girl. You could honestly take out all of the description and still know she was a little girl simply by the dialogue. That isn't easy to do.
And is this based off of the song "Hello" by Evanescence? It seems so. Good job.

I thought this was a really well-written story! I enjoyed it throughout and was drawn in by the first line You really portrayed the character perfectly. It was obvious that she was a little girl, and you clearly showed that by the way she spoke and thought. It was really well done!
I thought that the counsellor should have been a little more subtle when talking about her sister's death. The first line that she says is kind of harsh, especially when talking to a little girl. Instead of saying "Has nobody... nobody has told you that Bonnie is not breathing?" .. I would change it to "had nobody... nobody really told you what happened to her? She isn't on vacation, honey". Or something like that. Don't straight out tell her that her sister isn't breathing right away, use softer words.

Other than that, I thought this piece was great. I really enjoyed reading it. You did perfectly with the little girl's character, and made her very, very realistic and believable. Good luck in the contest!

This is a well written story. Although, no offence, if you work on it and used other words for something to make it sound so much better would be good.
Like "the council lady", maybe you could say something different like, "the councillor woman" or something like that. If you put more thought into it, it would sound very interesting.

Overall, I think you need to go over it and open your mind, and be confident in your writing. But, then again, it is clear and understandable. Good try!

love it, as well as the song "Hello", EVANESCENCE is smashing!!!!!