Young Writers Society

It broke today. It wasn’t even intentional and could’ve easily enough been replaced, but to me it symbolized the truth of my life. That one long scar provided a better answer to the unexplainable than any of the adults around me were willing to share.

Shooing the furry culprit away from the scene of the crime, I received a hiss for my effort before procuring the damaged article. I stared at the familiar object in my hands.

Mom, Dad, Aden, Bea, and me, Jaycee. I don’t remember what we were even doing, just that it was before, and that we were all smiling. Not fake, pose for the picture kind of smiles. Real, genuine, carefree smiles. A frozen glimpse into a past that was forever gone. Gone because of Beatrice.

Beatrice, it was all her fault. My gaze locked onto hers. Her beautiful sapphire eyes, and two missing front teeth grin. It was her fault we were this way, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t hate her for it. Even though she was free from everything and had left this mess for us to try and sort through, there was no hate, only pain and sorrow.

Bea, she hated the name Beatrice, the miracle child, the heart of our family. When she was torn from our chest , we were left trying to live without. We managed for a few seconds, but after that we could no longer function. All of us were changed. Damaged goods with no purpose.

Mom and Dad, they didn’t blame each other, they blamed themselves. Really it was neither of their faults. It was Bea’s. They didn’t see it that way though and the inseparable unit of one they were before, was cruelly ripped into two jagged halves. Each a side to a whole, that couldn’t be complete without the other, so would remain incomplete.

Mom and Dad grew apart. Aden and I grew closer. We stopped fighting. The feud that had raged between us from the time we existed had finally ceased. That too was Bea’s fault.

Bea, Bea, beautiful Bea. I distantly felt the tears but I didn’t care. They were for her and she deserved every one. I miss you Bea. My hollow essence screamed it, the dwindling essence of my family screamed it, the whole world should have been screaming it too.

I missed her, but I wouldn’t ask her to come back. She was free, happy, smiling. I was chained, sad, crying. How could I possibly ask for her to leave paradise and return to prison? It wasn’t my right. It wasn’t my wish.

Be happy Bea, be happy for all of us. We can’t smile anymore, so smile for us, laugh for us, and we, we will live for you.

I will live for you. It was a silent promise. One I intended to keep with every fiber of my being. Yes I would live, somehow. I would live the life of the lost because the metaphor before me told me there was no other way. No way to go back, only forward, one painful step at a time.

The symbol I held showed all that I needed to know, the answer was crystal clear. We had been a family. Now the only thing we were, was broken.

This is excellent. 'Broken' is a beautiful piece of writing. I loved this and I hope You will write more. Everything is good. The grammar, and punctuation is great, and I don't see any obvious typos. Well done!!

Hello!

Shooing the furry culprit away from the scene of the crime, I received a hiss for my effort before procuring the damaged article.

This is very vague language. “Furry culprit”—you mean a cat? “Received a hiss”, “before procuring”; it all feels very indirect.

A lot of the language throughout this, like the example above, was very vague, and therefore weak. You’re writing about a broken family. Your language needs to be strong. Don’t dance around the subject, just come out and say it. Instead of saying “furry culprit”, say it like it is and call it a cat.

This vagueness carried over into the overall subject matter as well, and so I’m not entirely sure what’s happened in your story. Bea’s dead, yes? But the narrator says that the reason the family is broken is because of Bea, making it sound like something she did. You don’t even tell us how she died, and the lack of detail doesn’t help me understand it. The tone was quite bitter, so I was expecting a big revelation; like, Bea was driving the car with their father in, only she’d been drinking, so she crashed the car and killed herself and crippled the father, which ruined the family, that kind of thing.

I think that if you put more detail and clarity in here, you’ll have a much stronger story. ^_^

PM or Wall me if you have any questions!

-twit

My name is Stela, and I will be reviewing for you today.

Right, nitpicks.

ZannaShepherd wrote:provided a better answer to the unexplainable then (than) any of the adults around me were willing to share.

Remeber, there is a difference between the two rather similar words 'then' and 'than'. 'Than' is what you use in comparsions such as this one, whereas 'then' is what you use when...well actually you use 'then' for a number of different reasons e.g. 'I went to school and then home' or 'If you get good grades then you'll go to college.' But yes, you get my drift. Just use 'than' for comparsions and then for everything else. Good luck.

ZannaShepherd wrote:the scene of the crime

This sounded a little heavy. Perhaps say 'crime scene' instead.

ZannaShepherd wrote:Real, genuine, carefree smiles

Remember to use commas when listing.

ZannaShepherd wrote:Bea, she hated the name Beatrice, she had been the miracle child, the heart of our family.

You introduce two ideas in this sentence. The fact that Bea is a miracle child who hates her full name. That would be fine, except it feels heavy once again. Maybe break it up? Or do not use so many commas and 'she' twice.

ZannaShepherd wrote:and two missing front teeth, grin.

The comma between teeth and grin is unnecessary.

ZannaShepherd wrote:Yes it was her fault we were this way, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t hate her for it.

The word 'yet' is unecessary.

ZannaShepherd wrote:Bea, Bea, beautiful Bea

I love this! You just managed to convey so many emotions through those words- pain, regret, anger, pity, love. Well done!

Overall

Beautiful. You used a number of language techniques that were very effective in order to produce a meaningful piece of writing.

However, like Twit above me, I felt that at times it was too vague. I assume, as it was implied by her sister constantly blaming her, Bea comitted suicide? Yet, if what you write is to be believed she was 'the miracle child' of an already happy family. What drove her to take her own life? This is an important bit of information you need to embed in your story somehow. This is beautiful, however. If you fix this, I think it can be even greater. Good luck. Keep writing.