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Young Writers Society


Christmas



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Fri Oct 21, 2011 7:07 pm
Deanie says...



Excitement. It fizzed through my veins. Each member of our family was positioned in their own corner of the living room surrounded by brightly coloured presents. Each present was delicately wrapped. The tree was positioned to the side of the room. Coloured candy cans hung off its thick branches. The tinsel and lights were draped around the tree. Music played faintly in the background. I listened to the Christmassy songs happily.

Every girl in the family wore their Sunday best dress. The man of the house wore a suit. Each person looked as pretty as the sunset as it lowered itself over the seas.

Breathing in I could smell the delicious Christmas dinner cooking. A turkey bulged with stuffing in the oven. The potatoes and Brussels sprouts were already laid out on the table. Wine proudly sat in the center of the table. I could almost already hear the ‘pop’ as the Kids Champagne was opened. The apple strudel and custard was laid on the counter.

Two DVDs lay on top of the TV where we would watch them until late in the night. We’d stuff our faces with popcorn and sweets as we watched ‘A Christmas Carol’s’ events unfold before our eager eyes.

Exclaims of thanks and joy were traded as the presents were opened. Some were big, some small, some square and some round. My final present was a square, small and very suspicious looking. I carefully unfolded it under everyones watching gaze. It was a DS. Tear s of joy bubbled over my eyelids and dripped onto my cheeks.
We danced to the Christmas music, twisting and twirling around the floor. April whipped mistletoe over our parents’ heads and they laughed. Happily they kissed and danced. At one point I stopped dancing and stroked the freshly baked gingerbread man’s body.
“Go on,” my mother said, “take one.” Before she could change her mind I shoved it in my mouth, relishing over its sweet, sugary taste.

We had time to play with our gifts before dinner. I could hear Simone giggling and chuckling to herself as she played with her presents. Tamara and April were laughing and whispering amongst themselves. My Mum was occupied adding the finishing touches to dinner while my Dad videoed all of us.

Finally dinner was ready. It looked so magical it took my breath away. The previously plain looking wooden table was covered by a beautiful white tablecloth. Gingerbread men and candy canes were strewn across the table. I knew Mum wouldn’t let us eat those until after dinner. Apple strudel smothered in warm custard waited patiently in the oven. Plates and plates of food were heaped upon the table. If I didn’t know any better I would’ve guessed the table was straining from the weight. A mixture of sweet and warm odours reached my nose. I breathed in deeply. After praying and posing for photos we were finally allowed to eat. I secretly smiled to myself. I would remember this day forever!
Excitement. It fizzed through my veins. Each member of our family was positioned in their own corner of the living room surrounded by brightly coloured presents. Each present was delicately wrapped. The tree was positioned to the side of the room. Coloured candy cans hung off its thick branches. The tinsel and lights were draped around the tree. Music played faintly in the background. I listened to the Christmassy songs happily.

Every girl in the family wore their Sunday best dress. The man of the house wore a suit. Each person looked as pretty as the sunset as it lowered itself over the seas.

Breathing in I could smell the delicious Christmas dinner cooking. A turkey bulged with stuffing in the oven. The potatoes and Brussels sprouts were already laid out on the table. Wine proudly sat in the center of the table. I could almost already hear the ‘pop’ as the Kids Champagne was opened. The apple strudel and custard was laid on the counter.

Two DVDs lay on top of the TV where we would watch them until late in the night. We’d stuff our faces with popcorn and sweets as we watched ‘A Christmas Carol’s’ events unfold before our eager eyes.

Exclaims of thanks and joy were traded as the presents were opened. Some were big, some small, some square and some round. My final present was a square, small and very suspicious looking. I carefully unfolded it under everyones watching gaze. It was a DS. Tear s of joy bubbled over my eyelids and dripped onto my cheeks.

We danced to the Christmas music, twisting and twirling around the floor. April whipped mistletoe over our parents’ heads and they laughed. Happily they kissed and danced. At one point I stopped dancing and stroked the freshly baked gingerbread man’s body.

“Go on,” my mother said, “take one.” Before she could change her mind I shoved it in my mouth, relishing over its sweet, sugary taste.

We had time to play with our gifts before dinner. I could hear Simone giggling and chuckling to herself as she played with her presents. Tamara and April were laughing and whispering amongst themselves. My Mum was occupied adding the finishing touches to dinner while my Dad videoed all of us.

Finally dinner was ready. It looked so magical it took my breath away. The previously plain looking wooden table was covered by a beautiful white tablecloth. Gingerbread men and candy canes were strewn across the table. I knew Mum wouldn’t let us eat those until after dinner. Apple strudel smothered in warm custard waited patiently in the oven. Plates and plates of food were heaped upon the table. If I didn’t know any better I would’ve guessed the table was straining from the weight. A mixture of sweet and warm odours reached my nose. I breathed in deeply. After praying and posing for photos we were finally allowed to eat. I secretly smiled to myself. I would remember this day forever!
Trust in God and all else follows.

Deanie, dominating the world since it was cool @Pompadour, 2014
Your username reminds me of a hotdog @Stegosaurus, 2015
Tried to make puns out of your username, but every attempt has been Deanied @Candywizard, 2015
  





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Points: 4257
Reviews: 78
Sat Oct 22, 2011 12:04 am
davantageous says...



Coloured candy canes hung off its thick branches.

I listened to the Christmassy songs happily.

Breathing in, I could smell the delicious Christmas dinner cooking. A turkey bulged with stuffing in the oven. The potatoes and Brussels sprouts were already laid out on the table. Wine proudly sat in the center of the table. I could almost already hear the ‘pop’ as the Kids Champagne was opened. The apple strudel and custard were laid on the counter.

Tears of joy bubbled over my eyelids and dripped onto my cheeks.

April whipped mistletoe over our parents’ heads and they laughed happily while they kissed and danced. At one point, I stopped dancing; pretending to stroke the freshly baked gingerbread man’s body.

My Mum was occupied adding the finishing touches to dinner while my Dad videotaped all of us.

I knew Mum wouldn’t let us eat those until after dinner. Apple strudel smothered in warm custard waited patiently in the oven. Plates and plates of food were heaped upon the table. If I didn’t know any better I would’ve guessed the table was straining from the weight. A mixture of sweet and warm odours reached my nose. I breathed in deeply. After praying and posing for photos, we were finally allowed to eat. I secretly smiled to myself. I would remember this day forever!
Davantageous
  





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Sat Oct 22, 2011 11:35 pm
Kafkaescence says...



There are two tricks to descriptive writing: the imagery itself and the fluency.

I don't have much to critique you on as far as the first department. While there were a few awkward phrases here and there, it seemed you had a decent grasp on the mechanics of metaphor, simile, adjective use, all that.

But frankly, the lack of sentence dynamics demonstrated here all but negates what would otherwise be a commendable little piece. This is not smooth, not graceful, not easy. Often I lose track of the ideas you are presenting while you lurch me from one into the next.

Let me elucidate. Surely you've been taught the ineffectiveness of diction that runs along the lines of
This happened. Then this happened. Then this happened.

or
This did this. That did that. This did this.

It's interesting to compare this latter format to this selection from your piece:
The tree was positioned to the side of the room. Coloured candy cans hung off its thick branches. The tinsel and lights were draped around the tree. Music played faintly in the background.

Try experimenting with your sentences; try manipulating punctuation, sentence structure.

How about first experimenting a bit with the quote above? Just to give you an example of what I mean.
The tree was positioned to the side of the room, an evergreen column, a phantasmagoria of greenery and colored lights. Candy canes, nutcrackers, networks of luminescent glass icicles and bubbles, hung from the tree, shimmering with the pulse of the light music that echoed from the stereo.

Notice how the revision is so much more powerful? I don't just state where the tree is and list one item that hung from it; rather, I described the tree in full, incorporating metaphors, more intricate sentences, and strong adjectives. If you edit this, which I suggest, make your descriptions rich, flowing! Put your image in a cup and pour it out onto the page.

Keep writing! I'd like to see further writings from you, because it would be interesting to observe how your writing style evolves.

-Kafka
#TNT

WRFF
  








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