Young Writers Society

Hello?

Hello, are you- are you real?

Oh thank goodness, I was starting to think i was going mad or something, seeing people and all that.
That happens to people you know, when they spend too much time in the sun.
It's always bright around here, lovely weather and all that.
I moved here after I was fired from my job, I had to take time off work to look after my daughter and
they wouldn'd believe me.
Do you really have a daughter, they kept saying. I mean really! Like I wouldn't know!
But the people are nice here, plus it hardly ever rains. My daughter loved the rain, used to splash in the puddles,
you know how little girls are!
She lives in Australia, you know. Had to escape from the British weather, she said, leave all her problems behind
and all that.
I mean, I thought she would stay if I took the time off work to help her she would stay, but she didn't.
Ungreatful cow, used to cry when I told her to stop jumping in the puddles.
But she stopped doing that yesterday, grew up.
Now, that was years ago, oh I can't remember.
Doesn't matter.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was telling you about how I quit my job to look after my daughter, justed marched in I did, told 'em they could stuff their job and that was that. They didn't see that one coming.
Well, now I live here. The decore is cool, all in white, real minamilist and all that.
I moved here after people kept asking if I had a daughter, she was in some sort of trouble, couldn't say what so she just
moved to Austrailia. And the NHS put my under the witness protection scheme.
Bet you didn't know they did witness protection schemes. But they do.
Gave me this flat, it's really cool.
And the walls are really soft, they padded them specially, to stop me getting hurt they said.
I talk to my daughter sometimes, they tell me she's not really here. Well, obviously, I use a phone, but they don't
believe me.
Doesn't matter. They'll be coming in a second, to check on me, so you can tell them for me.
You will tell them won't you?

Won't you?


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Every little helps, so comment, even if it's just to tell me how crap this is!
Thanks

It's interesting... I think the thought patterns of the person aren't quite random enough... it's a bit too easy to follow for it to believably be a crazy person, but it's pretty good. I liked it.

Thanks, I'll try to be more random next time. Or just write about someting different.

Try reading ma rachel stories, people did feel that she was crazy. If you go back like two, three pages you will find some.

P.s

Its about a crazy girl, thinking she is normal.

I don't thinking making her thoughts "more random" is necessary. Like Emma said, most ill people believe they are okay. There was a recent book by Clare Morrall called Astonishing Splashes of Colour about a woman slowly descending into madness following a miscarraige. Everything was played subtly and entirely from her deranged perspective so the less astute reader wouldn't find there was anything wrong, which is ultimately best.
Thiis story works reasonably well as is - I liked the use of questions in particular. The only thing that could use some work is the development of her situation. Because the reader is unaware of what exactly she did to land in a mental hospital, there is a bit of ambiguity that clouds the overall impact of the story. We know she is unstable, but why?

have posted an edited version, called the mental paitient revised (i know, original name). have a look if you want.

~blue~