Young Writers Society

No offense, Sam, but this is the worst segmet so far. I mean its ok but its not my favorite. And for my critque 'Ain't' not 'an't' and this part here:

He ignores the other boy in the front row, because, after all, she is my daughter and I would love it ever so much to show her off. Make you want her, watch you writhe in pain because a bunch o’ rogues like you boys won’t even have a chance…

Mucho confusing Sam, you say 'she is my daughter and I would love it ever so much to show her off.' its confusing because your writing this in the first person, so you can't swich charecters like that. It confusing to the reader and makes no real sense.

I know I have fallen for your clever ploy to try and get some respectable young fellow to to propose to her and get married and live happily ever after; like they do in the books. Ah yes, that I would do, if not only for two things; a)in your eyes I am not queote en quote “respectable” and b)I am not yet of age. But oh, schoolmaster, just you wait two years and you shall see. You shall see.

'qoute' not 'queote' I know this is jsut a type-o but I thought i'd point it out. And the double 'to's before 'propose' shouldn't be there. And I think you should use collans not perantheses next to the 'a' and 'b' but it doesn't really matter. You were telling me you were trying to write something on AIM, and I see you did, but I think you forced it out. You need to let it come, you can't MAKE it come. You din't have a deadline to finish this story, so relax and don't force it!

ahhhh *durn* I forgot to put that part in italics! ah well...
and then...i definitely need some help if it sounds like it was force. I did not force this at all, I was drawing a picture for social studies and I started scribbling this on the back..the first part was from a looooong time ago but his rant was just now. If it is me just naturally writing and it sucks...then that's a real problem...

Your natural writing is great Sam! just the first part seemed forced and a little itty bitty bit forced at the end and middle. Thats it

This is cool, nice work, though I should really start reading the other bits so I can understand what is happening.