Young Writers Society

Hi, this is a story about a vampire named maria sanchez...some parts may be graphic at times and intimate at others...so if your under 16 just be warned about some parts as well as language...anyways...Maria was born to a rather odd faimly...her mother was human and her father a vampire and not just any vampire, draculas daughter...maria powers are different from most vampires,she cant be killed by the son and shes not scared of the cross,she has a reflection and can walk during the day hours...however not all her powers are so wonderfull for one she can still be killed by a stake through the heart and two anyone she bites can be become a vampire even if they hadnt fed from her...On the eve of her 21st birthday,she relizes an enemy of her father is after her and she must come to terms with him and venge her mothers death. Maria is a beautiful girl with dark aurburn hair that cascades down her back, she is about 5''9 and has sea green eyes, her skin is fair and she is athlectic. In the story she will become allys with another leader of vampire nation known as the nightriders of an old coven loyal to Dracula. Well Im going to begin my story...

Chapter one

There was a sudden flash of an arrow past 21 year old, Maria Sanchezes face as she moved from the corner she had hidden herself in. Her excellent reflexes had saved her from a near fatal death as she ducked back behind a wall. "Shit,he had her pinned." she thought as she heard her friend Roberts laugh. "Whats the matter Maria, A little to close for comfort?" He laughed again. Maria rolled her eyes and smiled, she suddenlly shot out of her hiding place and rolled to the nearby tree. Another arrow shot past her, she guided her eyes to location of the shot and spotted Robert. He was standing between two trees, she carefully took aim and let her arrow fly. "Bullseye." She said as she heard Robert cry out in half in pain and half in anger. "Damnit, you beat me again." He yelled coming out from behind the tree pulling the arrow from his right shoulder. "Your improving well." he said to her a look of dissapointment on his face. "No, your just getting to old." she replied jokingly. A smirk crossed his red lips,"What am I going to do with you?" he asked putting his hand on her shoulder. Maria laughed and said "Well you can reclaim victory if you win this race." She then took off lighting speed. Robert laughed and chased after her knowing he could never catch her. They came up on the impound her coven hide in, but when she they got near Maria felt as if something were wrong. Her worst fears were confirmed when she noticed Victor, the leader of the coven near the Transylvania border. "Mistress Maria." he greeted her. She nodded, "Is something wrong?" she asked him. He nodded, "May I talk to you in private?" Maria nodded and handed Robert her bow and arrows. She then said,"Come lets walk this way." He followed her and as soon as they were out of ears reach he began. "You are in grave danger." "From who?" Maria asked.

Thats all i have time for.

Gah! No need to explain it before we even start reading it. The work needs to be able to speak for itself.

I like that you started by jumping right into the action. It got me interested pretty easily, though it was kind of hard to read with it all clumped together into one paragraph. Don't forget that you need to start a new paragraph when you change speakers. This would be great if you added more detail to the action, and tell us what the setting and characters look like. Pace is shown by the use of language, not by how many words you use. Also, the stuff you explained before hand would be better if revealed gradually through the occassional exposionary paragraph and dialogue scenes.

And this is just me being picky, but are her EXACT height and eye-colour really that significant?

I was wondering the same thing as Reichieru. I liked the way you started it, but I think you need to slow down and describe stuff as well just like Reichieru. Danget Reichieru you stole my crit! j/k
Anywayz, good job. Keep up the good work.

thanks you guys...both gollum and kay kay

Brillant it good it starts fast and got my attention unlike adverts anywayz it was very good

Thank you by the way i like your picture

Thanx

Do you have any stories on here, if so where

Fantasy thread

Like Reich said, remember to give each new speacher a new line.
Looky :


"Mistress Maria." he greeted her.
She nodded, "Is something wrong?" she asked him.
He nodded, "May I talk to you in private?" Maria nodded and handed Robert her bow and arrows.

She then said,"Come lets walk this way." He followed her and as soon as they were out of ears reach he began.
"You are in grave danger."
"From who?" Maria asked.


You'll also notice I put a split inbetween it as well. This is simply there to make it more pleasing on the eyes. One thing to keep in mind - if you're going to split it like that, only doing so at apropiate times .


Okay, now I'll carry on with this small section I've highlighted. Both your characters have nodded (three times in total) - the repetition breaks up the flow a bit. If I were you, I'd delete both of Maria's nods, and only leave Roberts. Maria's aren't really needed.


Next, lets put a little spice and emotion into their speech. This can be done very simply - just add an adjective (describing word) onto 'said' (or else replace 'said' with a different word, such as 'mumbled').

Where Maria asks if anything is wrong, I'd add something in. 'Hesitantly' works quite well here. A couple of dots after 'is' should work well with this.
When Robert tells her that she is in grave danger, lets give it a little more of a forbidding touch. So, I'd add on, 'he hissed'.
And finally, replace 'she then said' (which sounds a little clusmy) with something that flows better. I'm thinking a simple action will work. Like 'She beckoned to him,'.

The 'From who?' is the punchline of these section, so I'd take away the 'Maria asked' to give it maximum effect.


Okay, fix a couple of grammar mistakes (nothing major) - and lets see what we have now :


"Mistress Maria," he greeted her.
"Is... something wrong?" she asked him hesitantly.
He nodded, "May I talk to you in private?" Maria handed Robert her bow and arrows.

She beckoned to him, "Come lets walk this way." He followed her and as soon as they were out of ears reach, he began,
"You are in grave danger," he hissed.
"From who?"


Of course, this all just my opinion (and how I'd go around doing this). And everyone has their own writing styles, so it's completely up to you whether you take my advice or not .




I hope that doesn't all sound to harsh (it's not meant to be - I'm just trying the help ) - the storyline certainly sounds interessting and origional, so I look forward to future pieces .