Young Writers Society

Its good, you're a good writer. I agree with misty lynn though, the ending is a little weak. But its still very good.

Why thank you Liz!

Really good liz love you but i ws did not read this at school, because i i don't know well you get the drift

Fontroy wrote:Really good liz love you but i ws did not read this at school, because i i don't know well you get the drift

OKAY FONTROY!! I really had enough with this 'I love you Liz' when you post a reply to anything TBR as written to. Please if you want to talk about how much you love someone tell them when you are not on this site, it is really annoying me.

Thank you.

okay what aboot me blog is it okay then.

Fontroy wrote:okay what aboot me blog is it okay then.

heehee, course its alright, i have no control over THAT!

okay no probelm

GOD DAMN YOU EMMA
lol
Yeah the blog is better for this Fontroy *nudges* bwahaha

EWWW!!!

Liz, there are LITTLE KIDS here...like myself...*barfs*

Tehehe. Just kidding.Continue on with your blogging/mating ritual or whatever it is.

I concur with... oh darn it, I forget who said it... but the guys wouldn't probably be acting like that (if this is college... but what do I know, I'm homeschooled). Artists get to a point that when they see a nude figure, it isn't a naked person. They see shapes. Curves, and colours. I can definitely understand the nervous emotions that you portrayed, though. Most artists (even if they are guys... or perverted guys) are not going to be focusing on the model's breasts, because most artists are trying to create a work of art. Especially if it is dependent upon their final grade... dependent upon passing and failing.

"They are from Sweden, as you know, they have the most gorgeous bodies-"

They?

Her eyes were the second hardest to find a tint for. I wanted to settle with a teal mixed in with baby blue but that wouldn?t cut it for my grade and possibly the feud going on in my mind.

If you aren't going to resolve it, is it really necessary to include? I think the previous paragraph is fine without this 'second hardest' section.

I tried to reach you but the phone never seemed to be answered so I handed it over to her.

Why wasn't the phone answered? The main character was home all night, wasn't she?

And while the ending has a sort of simplistic beauty to it, I think I agree with the other comments. It is a little weak.

I think overall it is a good idea, just needs a little rehauling. It hits close to home for me, since I'm not much for naked people or painting them (even though, as I stated above, we artists only see shapes ^_~).

This was the first fiction I read on this site because I loved the title, and I enjoyed it.

I think you need to better establish the grade level of the class. High school wouldn't have the model, college wouldn't have the immaturity.

I need more to care about then your grade. What are your deeper challenges and aspirations?

The model sounds Cosmo-gorgeous. Maybe a more personalized description would make her and your story more real. Dimples, freckles, a deep blush, brave eyes... something that describes her and not her perfection.

You use detail very effectively. Your handle on language is very advanced for thirteen. I'm impressed.

You're ending is very deux et machium. (Greek: "god by machine"- meaning, it just happened to have tidy ending. Use that word in class and your teachers will love you.) It would work better if you foreshadowed a bit. Perhaps you heard the phone ring while you were fretting?

Keep it up.