Young Writers Society

this is the beginning of a short story im writing.

Clock of fate

I looked nervously at my watch; the time slowly ticking by. each agonizing minute creeping past. I looked around, my eyes wide; sweat beading on my forehead, tightly wringing my hands. I know there’s something wrong; something that will change the world that I lived in, forever.
I know about the bomb; overhearing a few 12th graders saying that they were going to leave school with a bang…
“John!” the shrill voice of my teacher interrupting my thoughts.
“y..y.yes?” I said questioning.
“are you feeling ok? because you don’t look so good” she said with just a hint of concern.” ever since last week you have been… distracted, and looking terrible; are you sure you’re ok, that there is nothing I can do to help.?”
“I’m fine” I lied, wishing to have the courage to tell her the truth.
“Don’t let all of the end of school excitement get to your head, it isn’t over yet.”


any new title suggestions would be helpfull.

Just because you're my friend and I'm bored beyond belief I'll help wit the entire story

I looked nervously at my watch; the time slowly ticking by.

Each (CAPITAL E) agonizing minute creeping past.

I looked around, my eyes wide; sweat beading on my forehead, tightly wringing my hands. ( I dont' know if those two'd tie in well... fro how I read it, it sounds like the sweat is wringing your hands)

I know there’s something wrong; something that will change the world that I lived in, forever.

I know about the bomb; overhearing a few 12th graders saying that they were going to leave school with a bang… (perhaps you can tell how he overheard for a bit longer paragraph)

“John!” the shrill voice of my teacher interrupting my thoughts. (The shrill voice of my teacher inturupted my thoughts OR the she voice of the teacher was inturputing my thoughts)

“y..y.yes?” I said questioning. (Y-y-yes?)

“are you feeling ok? because you don’t look so good” she said with just a hint of concern. "ever since last week you have been… distracted, and looking terrible; are you sure you’re ok, that there is nothing I can do to help.?”

"Are you.....? You.... ," she said with a hint of concern. (CAN BE concern,"Ever since...." or ."Ever since last week you have been distracted and looking terrible. Are you sure you're OK? Is there anything I can do to help?"

“I’m fine” I lied, wishing to have the courage to tell her the truth. (this is fine)

“Don’t let all of the end of school excitement get to your head, it isn’t over yet.” (that is the perfect line to trigger something in his mind....

I love the idea.... no title suggestions. Very good!
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TBR got all the grammar stuff. The idea is all right, though it could use some more narrative detail. There were a couple of things that did annoy me, though.

"each agonizing minute creeping past." You're saying the exact same thing as the previous sentence, but with different words. Choose one or the other.

“y..y.yes?” I said questioning.
YOu don't need the word questioning, since you've got a ?. Either use "I asked" or take out the word "questioning."

Oh dear! The grammar...

Listen to TBR. Also, note that on each side of the semicolon, there should be a complete sentence. It's a way to use a complete sentence in one big sentence instead of two little ones.

Are you going to continue this? There isn't a lot to it so far, so it's rather hard to come up with a comment on the content for this, let alone a different title name.

yea im gonna continue this, thx for briniging it up, oh wait nooooooooo my computer crashed it wasnt backe dup a long time agao i think i lost the cool edited typed version, darn i have to start it again....

I hate it when that happens...

Good luck!

thx