Young Writers Society

Prompt: Your story is about a dentist in an Irish castle e-mailing their mom.

A Deadly Occupation

For perhaps the first time in his life, Dr. Seamus Finnley, D.D.S., was at a loss for words. He stared at the computer screen, then looked out the window at the setting sun. The sky was a reddish-gold color, and looked quite lovely and peaceful—a feeling that Seamus dearly wished he could possess. He turned back to the blank screen.

How to write so that he wouldn’t alarm his mother, and yet give her his possible last regards? Seamus tapped the tabletop and sighed. He could just tell her the truth, so that she’d know what happened. Straightening up, he rapidly typed out a letter:

Dear Mum,

Just thought I’d write to you because this special case my boss sent me out on turned out to be a death warrant, and I thought you’d like to know. The family’s not just a bunch of hermits who scheduled a home visit; they’re vampires. Gave me a nasty fright when I went to give them a little polish and saw the pointed incisors, with crusted human blood on them still. Apparently they don’t even brush their teeth. Oh, and I’m locked up in a barred room with just my personal effects (including my computer); they took away my tools. Sounds like they’re planning on draining all of my blood out later this evening. I’ve already tried emailing for help, but would you believe that the police thought I was being a joker and told me to—well, it wasn’t nice. I won’t upset you with their language. I’m pretty sure anyway that, by the time you check this, I’ll be dead and as dried up as a raisin.

I hope you’re enjoying those yoga classes. Don’t strain your back too much. Give my love to Pops.

~ Your son, Seamus

The cursor blinked after his name. Seamus slumped back, dejected. Oh yes, that was just brilliant. Sounded perfectly sane, didn’t it? What would she do if she did read it, he wondered. Probably storm right over to exact some vengeance…thought that wouldn’t do him, Seamus, much good, since he’d be dead. And besides, what could his mother do? They’d just eat her, too—well, drink her blood, more like—unless she brought help along, which wasn’t likely. Sure, she could be quite voluble and potentially get authorities involved just for the sake of getting a moment’s peace, but they wouldn’t be prepared. They’d bring their guns and shillelaghs, counting on a few drubbings to solve the problem. They wouldn’t bring stakes or Holy Water, and Seamus doubted any of them would have the aroma of garlic about their person unless it was on their breath. Even though that could be quite potent in and of itself, Seamus was skeptical about the possibility that four vampires could be repelled and defeated by a single man’s halitosis.

It was hopeless. Still, he had to get some form of communication to her, just so she’d have something to look at when she found out he was dead. There was an almost melodramatic air about the whole situation that appealed to Seamus. He’d be remembered as the noble dentist—no, “dental surgeon” sounded better—who died at the teeth of the horrific MacDoylie family. Well, perhaps their name would have to be altered to something a mite more fearful…MacDamned worked better. Or MacAbre...

Seamus shook his head, angry with himself. He should be using this precious time to actually compose a letter to his mother, not make a story of his plight! There’d be time for that after the email was sent. For living in an old castle in the barren countryside of Ireland, the MacDoylies seemed to get awfully good reception. Seamus wondered what company they were signed up with…

Damn it, he was getting distracted again! Seamus grabbed his head and told himself to write. Then he hunched forward and started typing.

Hello, Mum.

I’m just writing to let you know how much I love you and Pops. Give my best to him, will you? I doubt I’m going to have much opportunity to talk with you two for a while. I’m a bit tied up with work right now—I swear, it’s going to be the death of me.

Anyway, I want to thank you for all your support and love. And for being such a good mother to me.

Love you loads. Truckloads, that is.

~ Seamus, your loving son

Seamus considered the message. Well. Now there was nothing to do but send it. His arrow hovered over the Send button. One click and it’d be on its way. He wondered what his mum would think. Probably that he was asking for another loan to pay off debts. This was not a comforting thought. At that moment the door opened.

Seamus turned around; the MacDoylies were standing in the doorway, hungry gleams in their eyes. The two young ones, a girl of perhaps fifteen and a fidgety boy of ten, stood before their parents.

“Da, look!” cried the girl. “He’s got such a fancy laptop! Can I have it once he’s dead?”

“I suppose, Cara,” Mr. MacDoylie said with a sigh.

“Wait, please!” Seamus half rose, his hand shaking over the keyboard. “Let me just send this to my mother, as a farewell.”

“Aw, that’s sweet!” Mrs. MacDoylie cooed. “Darling, let him.”

“I’m afraid not. We don’t need anyone being contacted by the good tooth doctor here.” Mr. MacDoylie casually advanced. “Sorry and all.”

Seamus whipped around to hit the button, but MacDoylie lunged forward and knocked him to the ground.

She’ll never get my letter, Seamus thought sadly. Then Mr. MacDoylie bit his neck, and Seamus ceased to think anymore.

“Supper,” Mr. MacDoylie announced with a smack of his lips.

“Just a minute, Da,” said Cara. “I want to see his computer.” She sat at the table and eagerly pulled the laptop closer to her. The unsent email filled the screen. “Rubbish,” she said, and pressed Discard.

Seamus’ email disappeared.

Hey there, Ranger! Looks like you've got no reviews, so here I am.

For the most of it, this is done well; nice voice, descriptions, lovely pacing. But there were a few parts that were a bit off.

Seamus wondered what company they were signed up with…

We've already established his distracted nature - and we're already aware of his getting distracted by this certain thing. This line, to me, is only overkill.

I also think this whole part:

There he was, getting distracted again. What was it his mum had said he had when he was younger? ADHD. That was it. Well, damn it. Always making him lose focus and start thinking about anything but the present matter…. Like now!

is a bit out of place as well. It's a bit distracting, itself. And mentioning his mom told him he has ADHD... well, quite frankly, you see it kind of a lot in similar circumstances. You're not vouching originality with it. If it were I, I'd get rid of this part and just put his distractedness off as nerves and a level of inability to concentrate most people have. It'd leave a lot more focus onto the actual content instead of his little worries.

Now, whereas most of this has good pacing, the ending... does not. The vampires act almost cartoonish in his "rushing forward and biting Seamus's neck", his "cheerful" talk, and, come on, the name Butterworth? I know you point out it's a bit ridiculous, but it's not really helping. I think if you slowed down their actions a bit more, it'd help a lot. (And I get that you're under a word limit, but just by the language you choose can you convey more grace than awkward speed.)

I also find it a bit harrowing how the fifteen year old just wants to look at his computer - I mean, I get it's essential to the plot, but there are better ways of doing it. Perhaps it's that she "eagerly" pulled up his computer. Maybe give her a more... subtle curiosity? Intented interest? Something like that.

Sorry if this review, like the email, is rubbish. There's actually not a lot wrong with this, and anything else I would potentially mentioned can't be helped due to word restrictions. So, it's essentially very good. One thing I particularly loved was how in the first email you manage to wholly explain his situation, and in a way that didn't seem like an info dump in the least bit. Good job there.

Any questions, write on my wall, m'kay?

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Ahoy matey!:o
Bunny here to review. *insert maniacal laughter*

First impression:
Ranger, do took this prompt in a very interesting, charming, and funny direction. I love the idea of a dentist being comfronted by a family of vampires, and you pulled it off in a delightful way without making the story cheesy or needlessly serious. I enjoyed ever second that I read this piece, and you did a fantastic job considering your word count restrictions and the nature of the competition itself. When I like a title, I find myself unable to keep myself from commenting upon it, so here it is: the title really caught my attention, and once I began reading and got a better feel of the tone of the piece, I liked it even more. I love it when there is a sort of irony to any story, and you certainly delivered that in my opinion. (Ok, enough of that vague dribble. On to the bits and pieces...)

Characterization:
I love that you set this in Ireland with a dentist named Seamus. I felt I knew your lovely little dentist from the very beginning just by the subtle details you used describing his reactions and his thoughts. By putting the two emails into the story itself, you also added to the connectiong between the reader and your character. I liked the detail about his ADHD as well. It fit in seamlessly with the rest of the story, and by the way you introduced his condition--

There he was, getting distracted again. What was it his mum had said he had when he was younger? ADHD. That was it. Well, damn it. Always making him lose focus and start thinking about anything but the present matter…. Like now!

--it didn't feel tacked on in the least. If anything, it made Seamus even more endearing.
Now, the vampires. Sure, they weren't exactly present until the end--Seamus' end, that is--but I still feel the need to touch on their characterization. *cough* Giving your vampire family a name like "Butterworth" was a pretty bold move, but a clever one. Again, it added to the tone of the piece, the twisted little humor you've got going for this piece. My only issue really was how abruptly they were presented in the end, though I don't know how it could have been helped. I liked the bit with the young vampire girl looking at Seamus' email and deleting it, and I think you captured their killer instincts or whatever well, but I was a little caught off guard by how they just appeared, killed their catch, then peaced out. Sure, the constraints of the contest keep you from going into too much detail or spening too much time on any one scene, which I suppose is a good thing...but I found myself a little more expectant of the end and thus a wee bit disappointed. Then again, Seamus was your MC, and you did a splendid job portraying him, so I shant complain anymore.

Setting/Ideas/Overall:
Now, look at all that slashing. I guess with a piece like this, the characters are what really make the story, so I only have a few other points to make besides. This piece was very well reigned in as far as portrayal of your prompt. Stuff your character in a closet, and you find youself focusing most on the character himself. Good call. Again, I like the whole Irish thing, and through the use of the emails, I could almost hear their accents, could feel myself being transported elsewhere. I guess I'm just going to end up repeating myself when it comes to what I enjoyed about this story. I still find the idea of the dentist and the vampires very clever and well executed. I was able to read this without my mind wandering, as you were able to hold my attention from beginning to end. Your syntax, diction, and grammar were spot on, so I won't go into all that boring stuff. In all, it was an easy and enjoyable read, and I think you have a good running in this contest.

Well, dear, I wish you the best of luck with this, and if anything, you wrote an entertaining story. If you have any questions regarding what I said, would like a review, or anything at all, just drop me a line.
Much loves,
Bunny

Hey Ranger Hawk! Have I mentioned lately how much I love you? Because I do!

Ack, this story was so strange and weird. I don't know if I like the ending... it's a bit depressing! Like, very, very depressing. But the rest of the story is rather funny, so it's a bit weird. Morbid humor for the win? Yeah... not sure if I like it. XD

*stabs the ending*

Anyway, I have some

Probably storm right over to exact some vengeance…thought that wouldn’t do him, Seamus, much good, since he’d be dead.

Typo! The word "thought" should be "though."

They’d just eat (or would it be drink?) her, too.

I think I would like to have a noun after "her." Like, "her blood" or something. It might possibly be too many words, but I think it would sound better. But I am not sure, so feel free to do whatever you want, lol. I just wanted to point that out, mainly.

They’d just eat (or would it be drink?) her, too. Unless she brought help along, which wasn’t likely.

I think these sentences would be better combined. It seems a bit jerky.

Anyway, because I am a science/technology nerd (SHUSH YOU) I have to wonder a couple of things which kind of bugged me...

Okay, so he's in a castle and everything... and he has wi-fi? What the blazes? It just seems weird because I thought the signal reception would be really bad, especially considering that he is probably in a remote location. Also, he probably wouldn't likely get access to this internet, because unless these vampires had wi-fi with no security key (good luck with that one, right?) then he would likely not have any internet at all.

Now, fortunately there is a quick way around this. Instead of having his computer, he is waaaaaaaaay more likely to have his phone on him, and that generally has better reception of the internet than the computer. So, because you do have to send an email (yay for prompts!) then why not have him do it from a smart phone of sorts? Problem solved! Except for... well... bad cell reception. You can't win them all, right?

On another note... he's looking outside at a blackbird? I thought vampires were only active at night. Blackbirds, on the other hand, are quite diurnal. Why would he be looking at a blackbird? And why would the vampires come to him when there were blackbirds out? IT MAKES NO SENSE.

Anyway. I still love you!

Paul here!

First off, I truly loved the story here. The idea of a dentist lured into a castle of vampires is hilariously ironic, and the generally playful tone helped make the idea (however bizarre) totally gel and work in a way that most writers couldn't pull off, especially in 1,000 words or less.

In fact, one of my only criticisms is that the length feels a bit restrictive, and makes the ending feel a bit rushed and really out of sync with the rest of the story. I don't much mind the protagonist's violent death, but the fact that the execution (no pun intended) was so dark and hopeless. Maybe have Seamus reflect on the insanity/irony of the whole thing to give the ending a slightly more upbeat tone. Or, as upbeat as you can get when dealing with the horrific death of the main character.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. Feel free to ignore my advice completely, and just know that (despite my beef with the ending) this is an awesome story and definitely one of the best I've read on YWS

Well hello there! I'm here as requested although I think this is going to be a little bit of a pointless review!
It was really good, as always and all my points have been noticed...
*feels a little useless*
The length is definately restricting but I understand that it was one of the requirements! Maybe in future you could edit this and then post us a longer version? It'd be nice to get more of an insight to Seamus; he seems quite an interesting character!
Keep up the good work, and get us some more HTBD? Pleeease?

I'm heeeeeeeeere! Yes, tis true!

Daughter, I love this piece! I snorted at the first email, thinking "yeah right, dude. Good luck with that one."

And my heart tugged at the second one. It sounded so . . . final.

Nevertheless, I thought the ending was brilliant and ironic. I don't feel it was rushed, at all, because it fits the tone of this story. We've learned enough about the vamps from his thoughts and his email. No need to add to these people. After all, it was Seamus's thoughts and emails we were enjoying.

Good luck with the contest, daughter!!

Mum.

This looks interesting. Expect a review from me sometime, if not soon.

-Kafka

Hello Hawk!
Looks like I'm a bit late...
You have a lot of great reviews, especially the one from alpha. To avoid any repetition, I'm just going to mention what I think of the story.
I thought this story was sad and frustrating. I wanted to click on the 'send' icon, for him when I got to the end. It's very well written and I feel you got the message across, hence my frustration! It's a great idea and a great story. I'm sorry, but there's nothing more I can say because I came late

Good luck with the competition.

Le Hawkey.

I'm here to review this for you, believe it or not. You know the drill, I'm sure. If you have any questions or anything, jut invade my wall with Logan's sexiness or whatever tickles your fancy. I'm kind of paranoid right now because you've got lots of good reviews, but nonetheless, I'll try to be of some use. We'll see what happens, eh?

Hehe, okay, so this was really neat! I absolutely cannot stand word counts, especially when they're word counts of, like, 1000 words. I think you did an awesome job considering you did only have 1000 words to use, and within this, you created amusing characters as well as a quirky plot. I liked the whole dentist being attacked by vampires thing because it's insanely ironic, hehe. Throughout the piece, you kept that classic RangerHawkIsTheBomb humorous tone, so a really good job on that. As for the ending... well, you know me. Depressing things + Skins = Skinsy's eternal happiness. I'm glad you didn't have the ending all happy, and that you didn't let Seamus send the email because it did tug at my heart strings when he failed to send it, which overall made the story feel more powerful.

As for the critiques, the first thing I'd like to bring up has kind of been mentioned already by Snoink. I find it really weird that he has a laptop with him, let alone access to wi-fi. I can see that you've edited this after Snoink's review, but I'm still not sure it's quite believable enough yet. I think it's because I'm struggling to believe that he'd be able to have his laptop in the room in the first place. You mentioned the vampires taking some of his personal possessions, so why did they allow him a laptop? (Also, would he have needed a laptop to visit some people and look at their teeth anyway?) You don't really explain how he got kidnapped and such. For example, if they knocked him out or just fooled him into the room, then locked him him, or whatever. I think that's mainly down to the word count though, so that's a bit of an awkward one.

I'm not too sure what to suggest really. Snoink's idea about the smartphone could work well, methinks, but it's obviously up to you. You could do something like mention how the vampires don't really care if he has access to the internet or not because they know no one would believe anything they said, and they enjoy him trying to contact people for help while knowing it's completely hopeless and he's doomed. It's a bit far fetched, but if you don't want to use the smartphone idea, you could try something like that (you could come up with something far better though, of course. x3)

I'm not overly keen on the vampires' dialogue. We don't see the vampires up until then, so that dialogue is what really sets us readers' impression on them. Yeah, it was quite morbidly funny, but it kind of made the vampires seem a bit clichéd... maybe. I'm not 100% sure. (Geez, I'm a lot of help.) I mean, we had the heartless, evil father vampire, the mother vampire who seemed to be sweet and was touched by the whole email thing, then the child who kind of came across as spoilt (to me anyway). I think it was the mother and father's roles that I found kind of cliché. I mean, the dude's always the heartless one, and the lady's always the more caring one. I got this impression from the dialogue really.

That's a bit of a shabby critique because anyone could easily disagree with me and eat my face, followed by my brain, but I thought I'd better mention it because I have no other negative thing to say to you and I need to fill up this review it was something that I did notice. Take it with a pinch of salt though. If you disagree with it and are thinking, "U iz wh@ck, Dawg!" then that is totally cool.

Overall, I think you did a great job here. Good luck in the contest!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Er, I'm late. Oh well.

Snoink and Skins both brought it up already, so this critique won't sound at all new to you, but the laptop thing kind of bugged me. Why does he have his laptop with him? Well, I suppose that depends on the mechanisms and the untold back-story of his apparent capture. A more pressing question would be: Is a laptop even necessary for Seamus' occupation? I highly doubt it, and thus doubt the validity of the scenario as a whole.

They seemed quite anxious to turn him into a "dried up raisin," as you call it, during the event at hand. Which begs the question - why did they wait? Were they, at the time they found him, already full? This would be a horribly tenuous explanation, for it appears to be a relatively easy task for a vampire to find his/her food, let alone for three, possibly four vampires hunting as a pack - or is it?

It seems, then, a bit odd that they would actually go through the trouble of scheduling a home call when they could simply go to the city, find someone wandering around in a dark alley (Forgive the cliché - though if arranging for a dentist to pay a visit to their house is as good a mechanism, then the potential alternatives are, naturally, infinite.), overpower them, and then do the dirty work. Of course, several other factors could be at play - the sun (Everyone knows that vampires hate the sun.), fear of public interaction or discovery, etc. This in mind, scheduling home dentistry, or at least home something, could be made to seem natural. But at what level are these factors influentially effective?

My biggest critique is the paradoxical existence of the laptop. Seamus says, in his first email, that the vampires stripped him of everything save his personal effects, his laptop included. However, unless the vampires are utterly technologically ignorant (I doubt this, however - the fifteen-year-old girl seemed fairly savvy as far as modern appliances in that she recognized that Seamus wielded a laptop, and a nice one at that.), they would understand that it is incredibly easy to contact people via the Internet. Why, then, does Mr. MacDoylie seem so agitated by the prospect of Seamus contacting his mother near the end? Impatience could hardly be labelled as a reason; as a contributing factor, at most, but then where is the rest of the reason behind his precipitated lunge at Seamus?

The answer must be that he did not wish for Seamus to contact anyone. But this makes no sense, because in leaving Seamus with the laptop he had to acknowledge that there was a certain level of inevitability that Seamus would want to contact someone about his predicament.

Moving on. It seems strange that Seamus would ask the vampires whether he could send his message when, like you say in the story, all he need to is click a button. I understand that it is essential to the plot, but I don't find it particularly believable. Clearly he already knew that the MacDoylies were unreasonable (or, at least, the father was), so could he honestly expect any less of them?

Seamus turned around; the MacDoylies were standing in the doorway, hungry gleams in their eyes. The two young ones, a girl of perhaps fifteen and a fidgety boy of ten, stood before their parents.

“Da, look!” cried the girl. “He’s got such a fancy laptop! Can I have it once he’s dead?”

“I suppose, Cara,” Mr. MacDoylie said with a sigh.

This I didn't like. Hunger suggests a certain amount of aggression, passive antagonism, evolving into lust and degeneration of restraint. Is this what is evident here? No; Mrs. MacDoylie appeared to have completely forgotten the role that you had assigned to her. Instead of sighing, keep Mrs. MacDoylie distracted on Seamus and the potential meal he substantiated.

Well, that's all I have for you. Despite its little shortcomings here and there, I enjoyed this. Your writing style is graceful and humorous, and I do wish you good luck in the contest.

Hope this helped.

-Kafka

P.S. - Oh, and keep in mind that I was reviewing this simply as a short story, and not as a contest entry being restricted by prompts or word counts.

I'm late as well, and I couldn't find anything! It was perfect (as far as I could see) except for this part (which Snoink already got)

...thought that wouldn’t do him, Seamus, much good

]
I was going to correct you on two things: the 'thought-though" and the fact that you introduce his name in a rather awkward way. In fact, you've already introduced him, so it's really pointless.
Other than that, great work. I wouldn't have put vampires in any story unless the prompt called for it, so that's kinda daring...
Is daring good? O.O
-Jenth

Not bad at all. A sly sense of humor throughout. Though I think the letter could be tonned down a bit, a lil too silly in comparison with the rest. And why would mom come rushing to save him? Who believes a letter that even the MC admits sounds like a load of bs? Also, the vampire dialogue was a tad cliche, doesn't read like real words, even as a humor piece, we've heard the angry mom/dad and teenage daughter 100 times before. I did like that we only hear their voice, never see their forms, nice touch. Felt some points could deal with more showing, not telling, specifically the sunset at the start, which is just described like any other sunset, never gave me a sense of dread to start.

(sorry I'm really tough on humor pieces, as most here I find terrible, which goes to show how nice a change yours is in comparison that I actually enjoyed it)

I liked the ending, very nice, dark, humorous. ALso enjoy the character of Seamus immensly. well done.

I really liked this. I found it brilliantly witty and humorous I found myself chuckling aloud. I love your interpretation of the contest entry what would the word be that thingy that your supposed to baseit on. Sorry my mind is a bit wired. But all the while! I love Seamus character and fell in love with the name all over again. (bthe name reminded me of Seamus finnigan from Harry potter)! But I would love to see more of yur uumourous pieces. Love the dark humor!