Young Writers Society

When a person dies, they become immortal.
Immortality is a curse: one that constructs itself around someone's body, that contaminates the air surrounding them until it's heavy with burden. It’s a curse that’s as real as the paper-thin skin covering my flesh and bones. Everyone is immortal because no one is ever forgotten, especially after death. People think more about someone once they're dead. I would know. Their stories may be lost in the conversations of time, but somewhere in the world, their name is still being carried with the wind.
I think that's why you're always around, Mum. That's why no matter where I am or what I'm doing, your face, your smile, your laugh, your frown, your distant eyes, your tears are always digging into me. The same eyes that always watched me to make sure harm was out of my way, the same smile that told me it was okay who and what I loved. You almost even convinced Dad that it was okay. Almost. I do sometimes wonder though if me not being normal, me not wanting to marry a kind woman and giving you as many grandchildren as you wanted twisted your heart. If that was the case, then I'm sorry. I really am.



I'm not sure what day it is. Tuesday, maybe? Or Thursday? I'm not even sure I remember what order they go in anymore. What does it matter anyway? All I know is that my eyes have been set upon these four walls long enough for my body to become stiff. I counted fifty-two white circles on the ceiling of my bedroom this morning, but I could have sworn there were less yesterday. I think I may be losing my memory. That's good, I suppose. Maybe I'll forget you that way, maybe I'll break the curse of immortality, and maybe your existence will rip up until it's nothing. Maybe.
One thing that does keep reminding me of you are the phone calls. Do you remember when you used to call me every Sunday, just to see if I'd remembered to buy fresh fruit from the supermarket? I still get phone calls sometimes, but not only on Sundays. Not from you. I don't bother answering them. They're probably just relatives anyway. If they were that eager to speak to me, they'd knock on my door. They're too busy with their lives to do that, I think, and it's better that way. It means that I can stay underneath my unwashed bedcovers for longer. You were the last one to clean these sheets, Mum, do you remember? You'd decided to visit me off a whim, I think. You were ranting on about how my goldfish in the living room was more organised than me. To think that was over a month ago.
It's strange because although your presence is everywhere I look, it always feels like I'm on my own. It's like you're here, but you're not you. In my head, I see you as clearly as ever, but it's as if all of your features have been tainted. Your smile isn't even the same anymore. If I ever felt like the world was crumbling as a kid, all it took was for you to smile, Mum. When the kids at school used to constantly spit words of ignorance and hate into my ears, you'd make me forget what those words even meant with your smile. It even worked when Dad kept burying stories into my conscience of how I'd never be happy if I couldn't love a woman.
You never stopped trying either, Mum. Even when you were ill and you would lock yourself in your room for days on end, even when you would cry and I couldn’t make you stop, even when your face was filled with strain I was too young to understand, you would smile. When I saw that smile, none of it mattered. But it's not like that anymore. When I imagine your smile now, all I feel is an undying longing.

Immortality is an ugly thing, isn’t it?



I think there's someone knocking on my front door. I bury myself deeper into my bed. They'll go soon, I'm sure. My eyes are closed when I hear a handle turning. A quiet slam soon follows. My heart stops for a moment. It must be Sam; he's the only one with a key to my flat. If I keep quiet, maybe he'll leave. His footsteps are creeping around so quietly, it's as though my brother's nothing but a lost ghost. The footsteps near my bedroom, and the second Sam's standing in my doorway, I know he's there. I don't regard him. He remains there for a while.
“Taylor?”
Still, I don’t bother acknowledging him. I let out a sigh and pull my bedcovers up some more. I want to be left alone. Can't he grasp that? Then again, if he does leave, I won't be left alone, will I? Because you'll still linger, won't you, Mum? You'll still be haunting my thoughts. Sam calls my name again. And again. Please, just go away.
“Taylor, you’re being stupid. Just get up.”
I think he's trying to sound angry, but his words are shaky, so the attempt falls flat. He calls my name again. For God’s sake, I know what my name is. He doesn’t have to say it every five seconds. I dig my body even deeper into the duvet and shroud myself in a comfortable, yet unnerving warmness.
“Where have you been all week? I've been trying to call you.” My brother's words are fuzzy now that my bedcovers are covering my ears. “Have you even left this room since I last saw you?”
Still no reply. I'm not planning on answering him, so why won't he leave? Besides, if he's that bothered about me, then he would have called in sooner. He doesn't even care, anyway. He was always on Dad's side. He probably just feels sorry for me now, but sympathy is a waste of an emotion. I don't need sympathy. I swallow hard. I think I want it to be just me and you now, Mum, although I don't know if that's a good thing. I doubt it is.
I speak this time. “Do you think she was scared?”
“Listen, I'm going to the pub with some of the guys. Why don't you get up and come alo--”
“Do you think she was scared?”
He pauses. “We've been over this, Taylor. The doctors said it was instant.”
Instant doesn't mean fearless.
“Mum probably didn't even see the truck coming. Besides, she'd been drinking... and she'd taken something. She probably didn't even know what was happening. Just come to the pub with me. Please, Taylor. You're... you're scaring me.” He pauses again. “You're acting like Mum used to.”
No I'm not. I'm not acting like you, am I, Mum? Just because I've been in my room for... a while, it doesn't mean I'm like you. You were ill. I'm not. Something in your head had ticked, and the person you used to be when I was a kid got lost. I'm not like that. I'm stronger than that... I got through the constant taunting as a kid, so I can get through this. I'm fine. I'm not happy, but I'm fine. I'm mortal. I'm mortal and I can get through this.

I loved this piece of yours (although I love most of your pieces ^_^) The voice in this one was very clear. I didn't get it was a boy because it sounded more feminine like a girl. I can't pinpoint what exactly tipped me off it was a girl. But I finally figured out it was a boy from the brother coming in and referring to him as a boy. Aside from that.

"I think that's why you're always around, Mum. That's why no matter where I am or what I'm doing, your face, her smile, your laugh, your frown, your distant eyes, your tears are always digging into me. Whoever said that time is the best healer must have been insane because with every single day that passes, your memory is lodged deeper into my brain. It's like it's being fed to me, rammed down my throat until everything is you. " This part you messed up a bit on. I think you mean "Your face, YOUR smile, your....." etc.

I didn't understand the fact that the character was in a house by himself. I mean does he share it with his mom? It seems like it but then why didn't the brother come earlier? Or people come to clean the place out? I guess if he was a young adult it wouldn't matter too much and maybe I'm just over thinking it.

When the brother comes it also feels a wee bit sudden I would say to put in more thoughts leading up to the knock so the knock breaks the thought the character is having or continues it.
~Other than that good work and keep up the writing.
~Berlynn Rae

Wow.
This is amazing. It made me feel so hollow inside just reading it. It made me want to curl up in my bed like she did and sob all day. Amazing. I really love your writing, I hope you get ranked!
-CookEmonster

Smurf!

I really don't know why you're so worried about this. You need to stop being so paranoid and start believing in yourself. *Said in a Mum style voice*

I really think you hit the nail on the head when it comes to how the MC is feeling. Now, I haven't been in the same situation as him, thank God, but when I realised that your emotion was depression, everything seemed to come together. Especially with the end part too, when he started to liken himself to his Mum. I got what you meant when you were referring to 'illness' then. It wasn't a physical illness, but an illness of the mind.

I think you managed to make the MC's thoughts and feelings real enough, without making him whiny or self pitying. I think, if you'd have gone off on more of a 'why did my mum have to die? I hate me life,' kind of tangent, then the whole depression aspect wouldn't have been so in the foreground, which would have made the piece a lot less of a potential winner for the contest. I'm not joking there - You've made me want to set my entry on fire.

your tears are always digging into me.

I think you could do with a comma after 'tears'

I don't know why, but your best writing always seems to be when you're writing something depressing or sad I'm not complaining though, as this really was a great read. You had me feeling for the MC, wanting him not to end up on the same path as his mum and listen to his brother instead.

I liked the whole concept that you had about immortality too. Not only did it go with the song, but it fit the story too. It didn't seem like you were just adding it in so it fit with your song choice - unlike me, with entry.

So, I want you to see what a great piece this was. The length didn't really hinder anything, in my eyes. Infact, I think the fact that it's quite short works with it, not against the flow of the story.

Good luck in the contest, Smurf!

I hope this review helps

Anna

Hiiii
I'd like to say that the title really works - it expresses 'depression' excellently
And I was drawn to this because I love Evanescence and I recognised the title straight away, dude

Hai!

This was very well done indeed. Packed with emotion, great writing style, great flow, perfect sense of whatchacallit all the way through.

However, although I enjoyed this as much one can enjoy a piece all about death, some things did feel a bit off. I thought the MC was a girl. I don't know why. I usually assume the MC is the same gender as the writer, but you change your gender so often you ought to move to Brazil, so I don't think it's that. The tone just came across as a bit feminine. I can't even pinpoint which bits in the writing made me think that, so maybe you should ignore me on this one. >_<

Another thing was that I couldn't shake the feeling that the kind of emotion being displayed was the wrong sort for a son/mother relationship. It felt more like a guy/girl thing. If that's what you were going for -- an unhealthy relationship between the two (cos Riley sounds very mentally unhealthy and obsessive) -- then well done, you showed it very well. If you didn't mean it that way, then I think you do need to revise some things here.

Also, I have to disagree with you on your opening premise:

When a person dies, they become immortal.

Even though I know this is just how Riley's feeling right now, it still grated, because plenty of people die in anonymity every day and no one remembers them.

This doesn't seem to have been very helpful. You get the proverbial extra brownie points for using a song that I know. ^_^ Anyway. PM me if you have any questions!

-twit

Hey, Skins!

So, the first thing I think of when I hear "My Immortal" is this. Luckily, your story was much better.

I think you captured the actual emotion of depression well. I have never been depressed myself, but I know that real depression isn't thinking "oh boohoo, the world hates me. I'm glad it's cloudy outside because it fits my depression much better than sunshine. woe is me. blacktearsflowdownmycheeks." It's an illness, and I think this piece does a pretty good job on bringing that forth.

I also like the idea of mortal/immortal. It added a nice touch, and actually made me think, which isn't rare but delightfully surprising. I don't think I have heard this song, though I have heard of it. So I don't know how compatible this is with the lyrics. Actually, you posted a link to the lyrics. Sorry for being lazy and not clicking it.

I'm not sure if I'd been able to keep being interested if I hadn't mumbled the text out loud as I read along. That was probably just because there's something in chunks of text with no dialogue that is a little off-putting to me. With that said, I preferred the second half, even though the first half was what this was all about.

This didn't really create any emotion in me. Maybe I'm a sociopath, but I just couldn't relate to Taylor very well. However, you are a good writer. You probably keep hearing this, but it's true. You write well.

/pointless review


Demeter
x

Skinsy! Here to reivew!

Alright, just before I start, sorry if I'm a little shaky, I haven't reviewed anything in a good while

You seem really worried about this, and agreeing with Duddette, I don't see why. I actually think it's really good, especially since you say you prefer to write novels and stuff to short stories.

Now, my first impresion was kinda like 'what's going on?'. Because I couldn't fully grasp what was actually going on. I learnt a lot about the MC, Taylor, but nothing about anyone else. And I read about the contests...erm, sucess criteria thingy, and you had to 'show emotion'. I think you did that quite well through dialogue and monologue, but yeah, to make it more interesting, try and get other things involved.

The first part I think was really, really good. It had me reading it, and the first line is very clever to get people wanting to read more. Another thing that I noticed, was that you were using second person, addressed to Taylor's mum? I think that's really clever, because it shows more emotion when you've talking to a family member. Also, I'd like to know more about her. From what I've gathered, she got hit by a truck, and she used to be a kinda not caring mother?

I think the thing that most concerned me was that there was no action. I mean, I get that this story was mainly focused on emotion, but still, it got slightly repetitive. I think you could fit in slight more action, and a lot of emoition too. Although, you do have to keep the word limit... limited.

I don't really have much more to say, sorry. I really like the ending, sounds like the end of a film or something. This review was kinda bad, but I hope I kinda helped!

-Arc (Tam to you )

This was AMAZINGLY written! I can't believe you're only fifteen! I was a little confused because I thought that it was going to be the first chapter of a book, but in the spoiler it said it was a short story so I was wondering if you could clarify which one it is. Also on the gender confusion, I didn't honestly have any! I didn't care if it was a guy or a girl, it never really crossed my mind. But then towards the end, I figured it was a guy because of the pub part Ok, I'm going to go re read it because it was so good! Keep writing! BRAVO!

This was an amazing piece. You have no reason to be nervous. It's clear to me that you can pull off novels and short stories easily.

I was deterred at first, because I don't think everyone is immortal in the sense Taylor is speaking of. So many people die and are quickly forgotten. Not everyone is loved and cherished by someone else. I also have a hard time believing that someone who was alive 200 years ago, and was not famous in any way, would still be remembered today.

Once I got over that, though, it was excellent. I've suffered from depression, and I think you capture the emotion perfectly. You didn't tread too much into self-pity, which is a common trap.

Immortality is an ugly thing, isn’t it?

Love this line!

The footsteps near my bedroom, and the second Sam's standing in my doorway, I know he's there.

The first part of the sentence sounds odd. Maybe... "The footsteps come near my bedroom" or something like that.

“Do you think she was scared?”

Argh, this line broke my heart a little. Poor Taylor!

The whole last paragraph was amazing, of course. Ah, denial is a river in Egypt~

As for the gender thing... I think it's good that people were confused about the gender. It shouldn't even matter if Taylor is a boy or a girl. Both genders suffer from depression, after all.

Anyway, that's my $0.02.

(On a side note--the poor goldfish! I hope it's still alive!)

Hi there!

Skins, you're amazing at writing. You put words down on paper ok, but its those words, the moral in them, the meaning, that really hook me. You don't write a sentence that doesn't have meaning, and I think that's really special.

Anyways, onto the proper review:

Quotes 'N' Comments

Whoever said that time is the best healer must have been insane because with every single day that passes, your memory is lodged deeper into my brain.

This is extremely cliche, and annoying, and angsty. Sorry if that sounds rude. I thought I had to say it because it totally demeans what I've read so far. Your first paragraph is amazingly beautiful and then this comes along, and I just have to sigh. I definitely know that it seems like something that could be said, however it isn't a good transition sentence (It actually makes the following sentence seem a bit more awkward than it should) and it really has no purpose rather than filling up the paragraph more.

Maybe.
I get phone calls sometimes, but I don't bother answering them.

This and the paragraph before it are very choppy, and it's because they don't really flow into each other. You're being angsty and then you talk about days of the week. And then you talk about phone calls. Possibly link them together with something practical, like how the mum used to call every sunday, or something like that, how you missed it, and then talk about not remembering order of days and ignoring everyone else.

Plot

Hmm, not much to say about this, since there really wasn't any. There wasn't any character development either, which kind of made me wonder why I kept on reading; probably your writing. I have to say, Skins, compared to your usual work this is kind of, well, boring. Anyone could have written this, and I've read this same story a bunch of times from other friends and on here. I was hoping there was going to be something different, but I guess you were relying on your immortal concept for uniqueness.

I think the immortal concept is fantastic, and I totally feel the same way about life. I never call up family members and chat, or go see my grandparents who live a few blocks away, but if they ever died, I would wish I could see them again. No one cares about each other when they know they'll be there the next day. We'll keep putting it off because we know we can. I think this is an excellent concept and I hope it can teach kids who read it something about life.

Characters

Because I know you're a girl, I totally thought your main character was a girl, that's just how my mind thinks, and I think that's how a lot of writer's minds think. But as I read on things seemed more like he was a boy: going to the pub 'with the guys' was a huge clue for me. Doesn't sound like something a bro would say to his sister. But then again some of the things your MC thinks doesn't sound as high ego-ed as guys talk (I don't know how they think) so it could be possibly a girly man, which I'm totally ok with.

I think your main character is very flat, boring and annoying. I also don't think you could have mastered this 'immortal' concept with writing this character any other way. The story was, after all, not about Taylor at all, but about the loss of someone, which is why it had no plot. I think you should try to add something more to this character, just a little subtle thing, because without the immortal thing this story would be useless, and that makes it a flat story, one dimensional. You should add more layers to it.

Amazing idea, just don't give up on character and plot just because that isn't what this story is based on!

Keep writing,

Classy

Hey Skins!

I haven't reviewed you in a while, so I'll try to write a short something now, even though I highly doubt if I'd or anybody would consider it a 'review'.

I really don't know why you're so worried about this. You need to stop being so paranoid and start believing in yourself

Ditto! You're so paranoid and crazy about perfection maybe that you miss out how awesome you're as a writer(and as a freak) and also how much you've improved.

I know you're a lot more acquainted with 'spoken' English than I am, but that doesn't change the fact that English isn't your first 'written' language and what you do with it is a marvel. You should, not even for once, doubt on that. I've seen your improvement taking strides in the past two years, and if there's some one I really really admire in YWS then that's you. I am really geared up to one day become like you, so better watch out. xD!

Coming on to the story, as Classy said, there wasn't much to the plot. There really wasn't. I felt like this was an emotional writing exercise that you had done, and if I have to rate you on those parameters, I'd say it was fantastic. But that's actually not the case so this is a bit still. Your descriptions for emotions, your phrasing, everything was mind blowing, no doubt on that, but it hardly seemed like a 'story' if you know what I mean. You didn't have a plot.

I think your aim maybe was to show us how this character has been transformed into his mother's paranoid self after she passed away. Even though the story ends with him being reluctant on that subject, I got the message that he's turned paranoid. So, for that I'd have to applause you. But even if we take in this aspect, there isn't a story. You got the mood of depression really set in, and I was literally crying reading the first half thinking of my mother. So, if you can instil such a feeling in your readers then what else one can say?

I am assuming that this character was suppose to be gay since you had posted a status related to this on your YWS profile, but I am not sure. So was he?

Even though boys are not usually shown having such feelings, but call it the wonders of your writing , I didn't a feel the character a bit more whiny or cheesy about the whole situation. That's maybe also why he seemed a bit more paranoid, obviously.


I've noticed one thing in your writing for short stories, Skins darling, that your stories here in are quite addictive, no doubt. But still they are somewhat always out of your league. Not genre wise since they all are depressing, thank me later. But the wordings, the style of writing and everything seems just different. If I were to pick this story somewhere, I might never be able to tell that it's your writing. You don't have your 'trademark' style of writing infused in the short stories, so maybe you can work on that. I am hundred percent sure that this point of mine has definitely confused you, but that's one thing I felt a bit weird, and even though I won't be able to suggest a cure, it would be good to have a look at this point. I don't smell 'Skins' here. That's the point.


I hope my review isn't boring, long and crappy enough to make you cry, so sorry if it is. Your writing is good, but you need to have a 'plot' and a 'distinctive style of writing'.

Keep Writing.

~Shubhi

Heya Skinsy!

We're reviewing all of the entries from the Capture That Emotion contest, which is why I'm here now. Thanks again for entering, and thanks for your patience in waiting. ^_^

So! First off, you already know what we thought of your entry, and that we kind of, sort of, liked it. But let me gush and tell you why.

You got an emotion that isn't the easiest to write about. Depression is, to the people involved and to the writer trying to portray it, a frustrating stew pot of mental anguishing and a lack of action. You were able to take this subject and work through it in a way that didn't scream, "Look at me I'm depressedlike and I want to die!", but rather showed the true emotions beneath the mask of every day conceptions. And that was really enjoyable, refreshing, and novel to read.

Your MC has a poignant voice that makes me feel for him, even though I don't know him all that well and have nothing to base any ideas off of. Like I've said before, you have a gift for characterization, and it shows beautifully when you write. This story just serves to emphasize that fact.

I loved the way you showed him pulling himself up out of the mood and trying to fight against it, and the whole contrast of him being mortal, and choosing that over the immortality that depression was making seem so inviting. Great job on that glimpse of hope through a, well, depressing story.

All right, so that's all I've got to say. This was really a pointless review, but hey, there wasn't anything to nitpick. Thanks again for entering!

Cheers!
~Hawk