Young Writers Society

She walked into the church, her ordinarily immaculate appearance careless and bedraggled. Her blond hair that was usually braided and clipped hung in a messy ponytail, and she was wearing a baggy shirt with sweat-pants. Everybody in the youth group room stared at the peppy sixteen-year-old, who was in some sort of unpleasant reveried state as she entered. She looked at the sweet freckled face of Piper and the round one of Simon, biting back tears as she headed straight for the supervisor.

She stopped in front of him, her muddy brown eyes watery. He looked at her, wondering what the hell she was doing, and watched as she slid the promise ring off of her finger and handed it to him. He took it, speechless, and his eyes narrowed as they followed her slim form leaving.

Everyone was speechless. Who would have guessed that May Herley, the preachiest and most devoted church member of Whitney Catholic, was a slut?



Tears dripped down her face on the way home. She knew her parents would hear about it. She knew what everybody would say about her. But nobody would believe her if she told the truth. So, with her head held high, she faced the scrutiny of all the teachers and clergy and students at Whitney Catholic Academy.

Every time she saw Luke's face in the hallway, with its knowing and triumphant grin adorning it, and recognized the glint of his undeserved promise ring, she was reminded. But she couldn't bring her mouth to form the words of what really happened, to tell her side of the story. It was her fault, she would tell herself. She could hae yelled louder. She didn't have to get in his car. She knew that the beer would dull her senses. She'd wanted it, hadn't she?

So she never spoke ill of Luke and his deed, not when she was pestered and grounded and hounded by her parents. She didn't let loose the truth during confession, when her heart wa weighted down. May never uttered the words when her best friend demanded an explanation. And so she drifted from Julia, who she'd known since kindregarten, her parents, her schoolwork...

And it was all because Luke raped her.

But, she consoled herself, God would see her side of the story.

And then she jumped.

That's what happened to May.

She walked into the church, her ordinarily immaculate appearance careless and bedraggled. Her blond hair that was usually braided and clipped hung in a messy ponytail, and she was wearing a baggy shirt with sweat-pants. Everybody in the youth group room stared at the peppy sixteen-year-old, who was in some sort of unpleasant reveried state as she entered. She looked at the sweet freckled face of Piper and the round one of Simon, biting back tears as she headed straight for the supervisor.

She stopped in front of him, her muddy brown eyes watery. He looked at her, wondering what the hell she was doing, and watched as she slid the promise ring off of her finger and handed it to him. He took it, speechless, and his eyes narrowed as they followed her slim form leaving.

Everyone was speechless. Who would have guessed that May Herley, the preachiest and most devoted church member of Whitney Catholic, was a slut?



Tears dripped down her face on the way home. She knew her parents would hear about it. She knew what everybody would say about her. But nobody would believe her if she told the truth. So, with her head held high, she faced the scrutiny of all the teachers and clergy and students at Whitney Catholic Academy.

Every time she saw Luke's face in the hallway, with its knowing and triumphant grin adorning it, and recognized the glint of his undeserved promise ring, she was reminded. But she couldn't bring her mouth to form the words of what really happened, to tell her side of the story. It was her fault, she would tell herself. She could hae yelled louder. She didn't have to get in his car. She knew that the beer would dull her senses. She'd wanted it, hadn't she?

So she never spoke ill of Luke and his deed, not when she was pestered and grounded and hounded by her parents. She didn't let loose the truth during confession, when her heart wa weighted down. May never uttered the words when her best friend demanded an explanation. And so she drifted from Julia, who she'd known since kindregarten, her parents, her schoolwork...

And it was all because Luke raped her.

But, she consoled herself, God would see her side of the story.

And then she jumped.

That's what happened to May.

Hi there!

This was a very intereseting story. It was written well and May was definitely a believable character. I didn't find any grammer or spelling errors so you're good there. Your descriptions are good as well. Since it's a shorter story, there was no need to focus on the description of each character. You did a good job giving us enough description of the minor characters.

Now, I hope the rest of this doesn't sound harsh or mean because I totally don't mean it like that. I'm just trying to be helpful.

First off, I feel like we didn't really get inside May's head enough. Sure you described how she felt when she was giving back her promise ring and how she felt everytime she saw Luke, but I want to know more. I want to know her relationship with Luke. Were they best friends? Was he her first boyfriend or did he simply meet her at a party and drag her off to his car? You didn't gice us enpugh background to fully understand how May was feeling.

I also think you were a little to straight forward with this. To me it seems like you just went from one thing to another and didn't really pause to focus on one thing. The first part of this was great. It flowed well and you did a good job adding in details and such, but the second part was rushed. It was like she stayed strong, she never told her side of the story, she was reprimanded by her parents, she drifted away from her best friend, she couldn't take it anymore, she committed suicide. It seems that you didn't pause at any of these to really explain what was happening. Really get inside May's head and tell us how she's feeling.

The ending was unexpected, I'll give you that, but you definite;y could've done more with it. If I misunderstood I'm sorry, but at the end, May committed suicide. It seems very out of the blue because you spent the last four or five paragraphs telling us how she ignored everyone and just went about her own business. Except for when you described how she felt everytime she saw Luke, you never really gave us the impression that she wasn't over the whole thing. I personally thought she had learned how to deal with it. Maybe you could have her slowly sink into depression and then decide to kill herself, you know what I mean? Lead up to it, don't just throw it in our face.

Overall this is a good story. If you simply get inside May's head a little more it'll be great. I hope my review was helpful! Keep writing!

You have done a great job in making such a short story powerful and believable. I do agree with the above said, that it was a bit rushed and that we could have gotten inside of May's head a bit more. Nevertheless, the main character is very believable and real. For this reason, I couldn't help feeling that you maybe have drawn upon some of your own experiences in the writing of this story, though I certainly hope that is not the case.
I also think the reason for May's suicide comes across pretty well in your story: she was not simply going about her own business because everything was fine: she only pretended to be fine. From what you have written I gathered that it was this suppression of her emotions that ultimately drove her to end her own life, not just the incident itself. But maybe you could have clarified that a bit more (if this was really the point you wanted to make, of course) indeed.
Greetings, John

Heya!!

Just a few typos and stuff:

Every time she saw Luke's face in the hallway, with its his knowing and triumphant grin adorning it no comma here and recognized the glint of his undeserved promise ring, she was reminded.

She could hae have yelled louder.

She didn't let loose the truth during confession, when her heart wa was weighted down.

May never uttered the words when her best friend demanded an explanation. And so she drifted from Julia, who she'd known since kindregarten kindergarten, her parents, her schoolwork...

Eliminate the ellipses in the end. Do not use ellipses in a story.

Also, I think I would have liked a little more description of the pain she was going through. To me, you didn't really show her being ostracized by the people around her, or the nightmares she had. There was just a brief mention of Luke being a jerk, and of course, her guilt. Beef it up, and I think her suicide will have a greater impact on the reader. IMHO.

Apart from that, it was really good. I liked Mary, and your description was great, it was just right. Your writing flowed very well and I loved your ending. Great job!

Hey paintingtherain97!

Her blonde hair that was usually braided and clipped, hung in a messy ponytail, and she was wearing a baggy shirt with sweat-pants.

I'm pretty sure 'blonde' is spelt with an 'e' at the end. Also , there should've been a comma after clipped.

She stopped in front of him, her muddy brown eyes were watery.

She could have yelled louder.

She didn't let loose the truth during confession, when her heart was weighted down.

Only a few corrections here and there, but I really did enjoy reading your short story. I liked it a lot!

Hey guys.. Just for your information.

I found out the words “blond” and “blonde” are not wholly synonymous. So what’s the difference between the words “blond” and “blonde”? (besides the obvious extra ‘e’)

The difference is simply in what gender the word is referring. When referring to a woman with yellow hair, you should use the feminine spelling “blonde”. When referring to a male with yellow hair, you should use the spelling “blond”.

So the usage of 'blond' in your story is not suitable.

Keekers, It's not about the spelling. Both words are exist actually.

Just sharing.