Young Writers Society

I wasn't lucky enough to meet you. I have so many things I'd like to ask you about, so many questions that will be unanswered until I make my journey to the place where you're at. Are the flowers prettier in heaven than they are here? Do you miss me as much as I miss you?

You went to heaven long before I was even born. Months and months before I drew my first breath, you were already an angel, dancing through heaven with ribbons in your hair. Maybe when you heard me speak my first words, you took a deep breath and uttered a few of your own in your gentle voice, telling the other angels how much you wished that you could've been there, a few crystal tears falling down your white cheeks and pooling in your beautiful angel eyes.

My parents never knew for sure whether you were going to be my big brother or sister. You became an angel before they had the chance. But I know that you're my big sister, I just know it. I've never imagined you as anything else. You've always been with me, looking down on me and watching me as I tumble through this crazy, confusing life, bruising and scarring myself in ways that you've never felt. Your flawless heart has never been broken, you've never carried the weight of the world on your perfect shoulders, and you've never cried until you couldn't anymore.

I can hear you. Sometimes, when I close my eyes and play my piano, I hear your voice shivering in the high notes that flutter through the air like butterflies, whispering that I'll be fine as long as I stay strong. You call to me in the whistling of the wind, sending chills sprinkling up and down my spine and reminding me of you. I know that I've met you somewhere within the blurriness of my tangled dreams, weaving through my mind like a beautiful ethereal ghost. It's so hard to dream about you and to not be able to bring you into the world where I live now. It's so hard.

They were going to give you my name. It was intended for you, but you weren't meant to bear it, so they saved it for me. And now, whenever I see the scarlet roses that are my namesake, I fancy that a part of you lives within their rosy petals. You were going to be more beautiful than those flowers, weren't you? Perhaps you would've held a bouquet of them on your wedding day, laughing in the sunlight as you kissed your beloved.

Sister, I will never forget you. Someday, when this world tires of me and I'm not able to walk any further, I'll come up and meet you. Amidst the cheers of the other angels, you and I will finally embrace, forgetting all of the times where I wasn't able to hug you.

My name is Rose. You were supposed to have that name, but it wasn't meant to be. Sister, I cherish my name because it was meant for you, because you would've loved it and adored it, I know you would've. For now, I will call you by a new name, one that seems perfect for you.

I will call you Angel.

All in all, this was a touchy piece and the emotions flowed through. Imma say, very good work. The lexis, grammar, punctuation and syntax were well done.

The only part that I think needs a bit alteration is the last one: "My name is Rose. You were supposed to...."
You have already mentioned earlier that she was going to get your name and according to me, you could have rather ended your piece saying, "...where I wasn't able to hug you."
It just seems like you've written the last paragraph just for the sake of it and it's a bland elongation without which the whole piece would've been stronger and more expressive. It just doesn't fit in with the rest because the rest of it is expressed far more beautifully. Or you can replace the para somewhere else.

If you have any questions, you're more than welcome to ask.

-Sam.

Hello!

This was very well written. There was a lot of emotion, and your descriptions and imagery were both very good, very vivid. However (there's always a however. Or a but. Only it's not good grammar to start a sentence with but.) I did think you went a bit overboard at times, and instead of being tender and touching, your language became too sentimental. Saccharine.

Like here:

Maybe when you heard me speak my first words, you took a deep breath and uttered a few of your own in your gentle voice, telling the other angels how much you wished that you could've been there, a few crystal tears falling down your white cheeks and pooling in your beautiful angel eyes.

It's a bit cloying. Likening a dead sibling to an angel is treading the line already, but you managed to avoid pools of sap up until this sentence, which was too much. OTT. Crystal tears, beautiful angel eyes, white cheeks, gentle voice... it's too much. It loses its power, the power of simplicity, and it feels like your're milking it. Don't milk it. Leave it alone. Trim down some of the sentiment, and I think this will be a lot stronger. Strength in simplicity. Let the words and the obvious emotion here do the talking; don't choke it with purple prose.

PM me if you have any questions!

-twit