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Young Writers Society


Once upon a time, In monster land.



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Wed Oct 12, 2011 11:35 pm
YorkshirePirate says...



Once upon a time, in a place far away from anyone, lived a little lonely monster. Every Morning the Monster would arise from his slumber and greet the Sun with a cheery “Good Morning”. He would then go about his daily business such as finding berries and catching fish to eat and Chopping wood for the fire. He would then retire back to his home as the sun tipped the horizon and the moon was flourishing its cheery face. On many occasions the Monster and the moon would sit down and talk for a while, before Monsters fire would burn out and he would retire to bed. The Moon would tell Monster about the wonders of the world but also the terrors of the life outside of the Monsters homeland.

On many nights Monster would dream about a different life, a life that wasn’t the same rotation of jobs every day. He dreamed of a friend that could help him pick the better berries from the top, someone that could keep his spirits up in the cold winter days, someone else to share the Moons stories with. He tossed and turned his in bed, longing for another that he could just spend time with.

One night after returning from his daily tasks, he sat down with the moon as he usually does. The Monster questioned the Moon, Asking him if he could help him to make a new person for the Land the Monster lived in. The moon answered jokingly “I cannot make you someone young monster, as you can see I have no arms”. With his head down low, the monster laughed along and agreed. The Moon saw that the Monster wasn’t his normal happy self and quizzed him about it. The Monster told the moon of his dreams, of his deep feeling, of the emptiness in his heart. The Moon felt for the Monster, as even he has the stars to share his time with. The moon said to the monster “I’ll tell you what, if you can make me a body of a person, I will bring them to life for you, as you are my friend, but for now, get some sleep and we shall work on this tomorrow night.”

The next day the Monster awoke, greeted the sun and thanked him for the light before setting out on the moons tasks. He searched for hours for a material good enough to make his soon to be friend out of. Firstly he tried to make them out of leaves, but these kept blowing around and were not good to make one single shape out of. Secondly his tried using water as it is kind and flowing. This didn’t work as he couldn’t pick up the water to make anything. Finally he looked around and saw the pearly white, untouched snow lying on the ground. He constructed the Monster from his dreams, to great perfection before returning to the Moon. As the moon promised the Night before He brought this Snow Monster to Life.

As he watched his newly created friend come to life, his heart filled with happiness and a big grin sprawled across his face. He greeted His new found friend and showed them around The Monsters Homeland. The two monsters clicked instantly and began building a friendship. They played all through the night and into the day out in the forest. They collected the top berries by sitting on each other’s shoulders, they played Hide and seek in the trees and just generally enjoyed each other’s company. As the sun started to Set, and twilight started to appear they decided to go back home. The monster explained to the moon how happy he was that he finally has a new friend after all this time alone. He thanked the moon for everything he has done for him and that he was truly a great friend. The moon just sat in the night sky and smiled, knowing that he has created happiness for someone who was truly miserable. As the Moon told his Stories to this new snow friend the monster thought of all the fun they can have tomorrow. The fire died out, and the two Monsters retreated to bed, falling instantly asleep, due to all the fun and excitement that they have had.

The monster dreamt happy dreams, for the first time in a long time. He dreamt that the hole in his heart has been finally fixed and that nothing could destroy the friendship, or the feelings his has from this new friend. He finally had someone to make his days’ worth living for and the nights more exciting. He believed that he has found true love.

When he awoke his friend was not where they were when they fell asleep. He looked around his house but there was no sign. He just shrugged it off that his friend must have gone out to the forest already. With a Smile in his heart and love on his mind he left his house. As soon as he stepped out of his house he noticed that nothing was the same as yesterday. The sun explained to him “I was going to tell you yesterday, but you were nowhere to be seen. Spring is here my friend. Aren’t you excited? The snow is all gone and the beautiful flowers can finally bloom!” Monster stood there, in shock, tears swelling up in his eyes. The silence swept around the forest and for a moment the Monster was frozen in time with disbelief. “Oh” said the Monster. “You’re not happy?” The Sun replied. The Monster embraced the silence for a while before saying “Yes I am happy, I found a new friend and I had the best day of my entire life. Thank you for the warmth and light you have given me the past years. Tell Moon that He was a true friend for doing what he did for me.” He then retreated into the forest to the spot where he created his Snow Monster friend.

That night the moon sat with the stars in the night sky, staring at an unlit fire. He thought that Monster must have gone to bed early and that he would just see him tomorrow. He then turned to the stars and began his nightly Story telling.
Some people say that on the first day of spring if you look hard enough in the sky, just before the moon comes out, that you can see them. You can see the silhouette of young monsters playing carelessly in the twilight sky. They also say that if you look at the moon, you can see him shed a tear for the friend that he lost to the world that day, for the friend he cared the most about. Now if you ever stumble across the land of the Monster, be sure to greet the Sun, say hello, and enjoy the wonders of the inhabited land. If you find a chance to see the moon he won’t tell you the stories of the world anymore. He just sits in the sky, Silent, waiting for the Monster to relight his fire and sit down, ears open and ready for the nightly stories. However if you do find yourself in the land, go to the forest and find the spot where the Snow monster was created. There lays, 365 days a year, a patch of snow on the ground. No-one knows how it survives the different seasons, it just does. Just be sure to go close to it and you will see the last words the monster ever said, as there, written by tiny fingers in the snow lies the words “some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”
  





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Thu Oct 13, 2011 5:52 pm
Niebla says...



Hello,

First of all, I did like it overall, although I think you could make a lot of improvements to it. It was a nice children's story; meaning that it was fairly simplistic and not likely to keep somebody much older than a fairly young child interested for long. But like I said it was a fairly nice story to tell to a child.

However, there are a few things which I would change about it. I'll quote your story and highlight in red the bits I would change:

Once upon a time, in a place far away from anyone, lived a little lonely monster. Every Morning(does this need to start with a capital letter?) the Monster would arise from his slumber and greet the Sun with a cheery “Good Morning”. He would then go about his daily business such as finding berries and catching fish to eat and Chopping (again, chopping doesn't need to begin with a capital letter) wood for the fire. He would then retire back to his home as the sun tipped the horizon and the moon (sometimes you use a capital letter for the first letter of "moon", sometimes a lower case letter. Either is justified; choose one and stick with it.) was flourishing its cheery face. On many occasions the Monster and the moon would sit down and talk for a while, before Monster's fire would burn out and he would retire to bed. The Moon would tell Monster about the wonders of the world but also the terrors of the life outside of the Monsters homeland.

On many nights Monster would dream about a different life, a life that wasn’t the same rotation of jobs every day. He dreamed of a friend that could help him pick the better berries from the top, someone who could keep his spirits up in the cold winter days, someone else to share the Moon's stories with. He tossed and turned his in bed, longing for another whom he could just spend time with.

One night after returning from his daily tasks, he sat down with the moon as he usually did. The Monster questioned the Moon, asking him if he could help him to make a new person for the Land the Monster lived in. The moon answered jokingly “I cannot make you someone young monster, as you can see I have no arms." With his head down low, the monster laughed along and agreed. The Moon saw that the Monster wasn’t his normal happy self and quizzed him about it. The Monster told the Moon of his dreams, of his deep feeling, of the emptiness in his heart. The Moon felt for the Monster, as even he had the stars to share his time with. The Moon said to the Monster “I’ll tell you what, if you can make me a body of a person, I will bring them to life for you, as you are my friend, but for now, get some sleep and we shall work on this tomorrow night.”

The next day the Monster awoke, greeted the sun and thanked him for the light before setting out on the moons tasks. He searched for hours for a material good enough to make his soon to be friend out of. Firstly he tried to make them out of leaves, but these kept blowing around and were not good to make one single shape out of. Secondly his tried using water as it is kind and flowing. This didn’t work as he couldn’t pick up the water to make anything. Finally he looked around and saw the pearly white, untouched snow lying on the ground. He constructed the Monster from his dreams, to great perfection before returning to the Moon. As the moon promised the Night before He brought this Snow Monster to Life.

As he watched his newly created friend come to life, his heart filled with happiness and a big grin sprawled across his face. He greeted his new found friend and showed them around The Monsters Homeland. The two monsters clicked instantly and began building a friendship. They played all through the night and into the day out in the forest. They collected the top berries by sitting on each other’s shoulders, they played hide and seek in the trees and just generally enjoyed each other’s company. As the sun started to set, and twilight started to appear they decided to go back home. The Monster explained to the Moon how happy he was that he finally has a new friend after all this time alone. He thanked the Moon for everything he has done for him andtold him that he was truly a great friend. The Moon just sat in the night sky and smiled, knowing that he had created happiness for someone who was truly miserable. As the Moon told his stories to this new snow friend the Monster thought of all the fun they can have tomorrow. The fire died out, and the two Monsters retreated to bed, falling instantly asleep, due to all the fun and excitement that they have had.

The Monster dreamt happy dreams, for the first time in a long time. He dreamt that the hole in his heart had been finally fixed and that nothing could destroy the friendship, or the feelings his new friend had stirred up in him. (Just change this part because it doesn't quite make sense, it doesn't have to be my suggestion.) He finally had someone to make his days worth living for and the nights more exciting. He believed that he had found true love.

When he awoke his friend was not where they were when they fell asleep. He looked around his house but there was no sign. He just shrugged it off, thinkingthat his friend must have gone out to the forest already. With a smile in his heart and love on his mind he left his house. As soon as he stepped out of his house he noticed that nothing was the same as yesterday. The sun explained to him “I was going to tell you yesterday, but you were nowhere to be seen. Spring is here my friend. Aren’t you excited? The snow is all gone and the beautiful flowers can finally bloom!” Monster stood there, in shock, tears swelling up in his eyes. The silence swept around the forest and for a moment the Monster was frozen in time with disbelief. “Oh,” said the Monster. “You’re not happy?” The Sun replied. The Monster embraced the silence for a while before saying “Yes I am happy, I found a new friend and I had the best day of my entire life. Thank you for the warmth and light you have given me the past years. Tell Moon that He was a true friend for doing what he did for me.” He then retreated into the forest to the spot where he created his Snow Monster friend.

That night the Moon sat with the stars in the night sky, staring at an unlit fire. He thought that Monster must have gone to bed early and that he would just see him tomorrow. He then turned to the stars and began his nightly Story telling.
Some people say that on the first day of spring if you look hard enough in the sky, just before the moon comes out, that you can see them. You can see the silhouette of young monsters playing carelessly in the twilight sky. They also say that if you look at the moon, you can see him shed a tear for the friend that he lost to the world that day, for the friend he cared the most about. Now if you ever stumble across the land of the Monster, be sure to greet the Sun, say hello, and enjoy the wonders of the inhabited land. If you find a chance to see the moon he won’t tell you the stories of the world anymore. He just sits in the sky, Silent, waiting for the Monster to relight his fire and sit down, ears open and ready for the nightly stories. However if you do find yourself in the land, go to the forest and find the spot where the Snow monster was created. There lays, 365 days a year, a patch of snow on the ground. No-one knows how it survives the different seasons, it just does. Just be sure to go close to it and you will see the last words the monster ever said, as there, written by tiny fingers in the snow lies the words “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”


So first of all, take a close look at the bits I've highlighted in red. Some of them are parts that I've changed which I think you should check, others are parts which I've just commented on.

I like the ending, though, and again think it's a nice children's story. In this story, how about correcting the grammar errors and maybe taking some parts out to make it more effective and to the point? After all, a children's story would likely be a bit shorter than that and more to the point. Another suggestion is to find a different name for "Monster" as although it's okay to use, it sounds a bit simplistic and a more original name might do the job.

After this story, how about trying to write something aimed at somebody a bit older?

~MorningMist~
  








The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein