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So far away EDITED VERSION!



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Sat Oct 15, 2011 5:03 am
PandasMoan says...



Matthew ______
Ap English 12
Mr _______
Oct 15 2011
So far away

The voices within the darkness got louder as I began to run down the endless hall of darkness. A sliver of was light visible, a figure. A person. The Voices began to catch up with me as I reached the end of the tunnel. The voice hit me and stabbed me through my stomach and I fell to my knees, dead in my tracks. Blood began to soak my white dress as the figure got smaller and smaller and was no longer there. I was left in the dark, bleeding, crying, alone. A familiar voice began to call out to me from the darkness that brought a warmth to my heart as the pain began to fade and the voice became clear, “Wake up, you’re going to be late for work Laura!” The womanly figure spoke as my eyes began to open to have light piercing my half open eyelids, and to see my mother.

The windows beamed light into my room and onto my bed , as it also seemed to crest closet, ‘that dream again’, I thought as I laid in my bed gazing at the ceiling above as my mother left the room, shutting the door behind her. My alarm beside me went off and onto the radio, ‘So far away, by Avenge sevenfold’ began to play as I pulled myself out of bed and made my way to the calendar as the song played, “A year already…” I said as I crossed out Oct 12th on the calendar and began to get dress. As the song hit it’s chorus I let out a deep sigh and reached to shut off the radio. I made my way towards to the window to see if the snow had fallen yet, to see if the final leaves had made their way to the ground. The weather outside was eerie as the trees were bare and the final leaves began to fall drifting to the ground, hitting the frosted soil without a whisper.
I walked down the stairs slowly as I swung my workbag over my shoulder; the house was filled with photos of a male, a female and me. My once family. As I got to the bottom of the stairs my gaze met with my mother’s as she forced a masked smile upon her face, I returned the smile of pity as I sat down at the table with two plates on it, toast. “I’m sorry mom, I don’t have time for breakfast this morning, I have to head to work.. And pay him a visit” I said as I headed towards the door grabbing my peacoat and wrapped it around me doing up the buttons as I turned to wave to my mother, “bye mom” I said with a slight wave. “A year already...” My mother mouthed as she then forced that one fake smile into a farewell, “..Bye Laura.” She finished as she waved to me and returned to eating the toast. I smiled slightly, making my way out where the final leaves where falling fast but each leaf seemed so high up, and so far away. The cold hit my cheeks and it felt almost painful as I began to speed up my walking down the sidewalk in the direction of my work. I came to a sudden stop and just tilted my head back as I gazed into the endless sky and sighed, ‘That dream, why must it keep coming back…’ I thought as a tear rolled down my cheek and fell to the ground as it crashed and shattered into a million pieces against the sidewalk. I quickly took my arm and wiped my face and kept on walking.

Smoke was all I could see as I sprinted in its direction, just to find myself at my father’s garage, as the flames branded my soul with terror. Sirens went off as a fire truck and an ambulance drove past me with great speed towards the garage ever so fast. Mini explosions could be heard from within the garage as I ran and got closer, screams could be heard from inside but nothing could be done the flames were too strong. I tried to force myself through the security keeping people out and away from the fire, resistance as futile. All I could do was stand there, and watch it burn.

I picked up my pace slowly step after step with my hands in my pockets, cresting a Twix bar that had been hitching a ride in my pocket. I sighed as I looked up at what seemed to be a newish garage, rebuilt. A banner hung from the door, “NOW re-opened!” the banner said. “A year, already…” I said and thought as the doors open and a tallish looking slender man called out to me, “Laura hurry up, you started ten minutes ago.” My uncle said as it sounded as if sadness had taken over his voice with raw emotion. I picked up my pace as I pushed my way through the doors and took my clock in slip and clocked in. The ground was clean, yet cold. “Laura be a dear and run downstairs and grab the keys to the back garage.” My uncle said as he looked to an old door, that looked as if it was burnt, but the section looked unaffected by the flames as it held its classical look to them. They were the originals.

My father sat me down on the table downstairs and smiled at me with that dark tan skin, and those dark brown eyes and the stubble prickling his face. “Want to know where I keep the keys to the back garage, they are hidden so no one can ever get in except me.”, my father said as I smiled and laughed slightly. He was like a kid that couldn’t hold a secret any longer and it just exploded from his mind and out his mouth. I nodded to him as he reached for one of the old bricks and pulled it out. It was no brick but was a box with a key in it, a Twix and a photo of me, him and my mother. “Remember, this is top secret, tell no one Laura” ,my father said to me those dark brown eyes. He leaned over and gave me a kiss on the head, “Love you kiddo” he said.

I opened up the door to the basement as I headed down the stairs, “A year already…” I said to myself as I headed down the stairs. The basement wasn’t repaired since the fire, so it remained in a tarnished chaotic look, as slight piles of ash had been swept into piles amongst the basement. There was broken barrels that looked like had exploded during the fire and burnt papers all over the floor. I shook the thoughts, the tears the nightmares as I looked for the brick box, “ahh ha” I said as I found it and pulled it out. The rubber around the key was melted, the Twix gone and there was a photo that was burnt. A photo of me, my mother and my father. I dropped to my knees and began to cry.

I snuck into the basement quietly, as my stomach growled. That Twix bar was the only thing on my mind as I tip toed down the wooden stairs. A sudden voice came from the darkness as I saw a face. My father. “Hey, what are you doing down here?” he said with a smile, as he sat there eating one of the Twix and smiled at me holding out the other half of the Twix bar to me, “I was having a craving” my father said as he smiled at me with eyes, eyes of safety. I took it and engulfed it swiftly as it hit my stomach and made my body tingle as the craving was slayed.

I rose from my feet as I ran up the stairs with the brick box. I made my way out the front door with tears streaming down my face. My uncle reached out to stop me I heard his voice stop as I ran. I ran down the left of the Garage and into the nearby cemetery. With heavenly grace I ran down the path in the cemetery. The stone seemed to be so far away, I came to a stop. Dropping to me knees I began to cry as I placed my hand on stone that said, “A family man, loving father, and loving husband. 1955-2010.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out a Twix. I placed one half in my mouth and smiled slightly. I opened my mouth to speak as tears streamed down my face onto the open soil, “I had a craving…” I said placing the other half of the Twix on the soil in the shadow of the tomb stone. “a year already… why do you have to be so far away.” I said as I cried and gazed into the air as the last leaf fell from the tree above, landing on the ground without a whisper.
Last edited by PandasMoan on Sat Oct 15, 2011 6:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sat Oct 15, 2011 5:42 am
StoryWeaver13 says...



*Warning: I'm in a nitpicky mood, so I might tear this apart. Don't worry though, it doesn't mean I don't like your story. It's just that I really want to fix all the little stuff.

The voices with in < No space between "with" and "in"the darkness got louder as I began to run down the endless hall of darkness with great speed. This just sounds a little overly-dramatic, and at the same time lacking. A sliver of light visible, a figure. A person. The voices began to catch up to me as I was almost at the end of the tunnel of darkness. The voice hit me, stabbed me through my stomach as I fell to my knees dead in my tracks, as blood began to soak my white dress and the figure getting smaller… smaller, until it was no more and I was left in the darkness, bleeding, crying, alone. Whoa, you got a lot of "darkness" going on here. I think you used it about...five times now? This is a good time to get an online thesaurus and find some alternative words. ;) A familiar voice began to call out to me from the darkness that brought a warmth to my heart as the darkness began to fade and the voice became clear, “Wake up, you’re going to be late for work Laura!” The womanly figure spoke as my eyes began to open to have light piercing my half open eyelids, and to see my mother.


So, is this a dream? I'm reviewing and critiquing as I read, so I don't know. A little overworked, but sometimes that can be made up for by an interesting general plot. Overall I felt like this first paragraph could be cleaned up a good amount, just so it really packs a punch. I'm picky about intros and endings, because those are the things that impact the reader the most. This wasn't a bad start though.

The windows beamed light into my room and onto my bed , as it also seemed to crest closet, ‘that dream again’, I thought as I laid in my bed gazing at the ceiling above as my mother left the room, shutting the door behind her. My alarm beside me went off and onto the radio, ‘So far away, by Avenge sevenfold’ began to play as I pulled myself out of bed and made my way to the calendar as the song played, “A year already…” I said as I crossed out Oct 12th on the calendar and began to get dress. As the song hit it’s chorus, I let out a deep sigh and reached to shut off the radio. I made my way towards to the window to see if the snow had fallen yet, to see if the final leaves had made their way to the ground. The weather outside was eerie as the trees were bare and the final leaves began to fall drifting to the ground, hitting the ground <replace "ground" with another word since it was already used in the same sentence? without a whisper.
I drifted down the stairs slowly as I swung my workbag over my shoulder; the house was filled with photos of a male, a female and me. My once family. As I got to the bottom of the stairs my gaze met with my mother’s as she forced a masked smile upon her face, I returned the smile of pity as I sat down at the table with two plates on it, toast. “I’m sorry mom, I don’t have time for breakfast this morning, I have to head to work.. and pay him a visit” I said as I headed towards the door grabbing my peacoat and wrapped it around me doing up the buttons as I turned to wave to my mother, “bye mom” I said with a slight wave. <A couple grammar things here and there that just need cleaning up in these sentences.“A year already...” My mother mouthed as she then forced that one fake smile into a farewell, “..Bye Laura.” She finished as she waved to me and returned to eating the toast. I smiled slightly as I made my way out into the cold outdoors as the final leaves where falling fast but each leaf seemed so high up, and so far away. The cold hit my cheeks and it felt almost painful as I began to speed up my walking down the sidewalk in the direction of my work. I came to a sudden stop and just tilted my head back as I gazed into the endless sky and sighed, ‘that dream, why must it keep coming back…’ I thought as a tear rolled down my cheek and fell to the ground as it crashed and shattered into a million pieces against the sidewalk. I quickly took my arm and wiped my face and kept on walking. The part in red is her thoughts. If you're giving us a general idea of what she's thinking you can give it a more elaborate or dramatic air, but when it's her own thoughts in context it should sound natural, and to me this doesn't. Just an opinion, so feel free to have a different one than me, of course, and make your own call on it. Just something I noticed.

Smoke, it’s all I could see as I sprinted towards the direction of the smoke to find myself at my father’s garage, just to see flames as they branded my soul with terror. Sirens went off as a fire truck and an ambulance drove past me with great speed towards the garage ever so fast. Mini explosions could be heard from within the garage as I ran and got closer, screams could be heard from inside but nothing could be done the flames were too strong. I tried to force myself through the security keeping people out and away from the fire, resistance as futile. All I could do was stand there, and watch it burn. My problem with this is the suddenness of it. It might sound silly, but juxtaposition and timing can be everything in stories. Right now you've gone from fast-paced (dream) to slow (house) to fast-paced (here), and the transitions are a little jerky. Ease into things to make it more natural.


My father sat me down on the table downstairs as he smiled at me with that dark tan skin, and those dark brown eyes as the stubble prickled his face as he let off a smile, “want to know where I keep the keys to the back garage, they are hidden so no one can ever get in except me.” My father said as I smiled and laughed slightly, he was like a kid that couldn’t hold a secret any longer and it just exploded from his mind and out his mouth. I nodded to him as he reached for one of the old bricks and pulled it out, it was no brick it was that of a box with a key in it, a Twix and a photo of me, him and my mother. “Remember, this is top secret, tell no one Laura” my father said to me those dark brown eyes. As he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the head, “Love you kiddo” he said with love.
You like to use the same adjectives a lot. "Dark" and "dark," for example. Try to mix it up a little. You have consistent little grammar things here and there, but I'm sure you can find those if you clean this up. The part in red is just a little redundant again.


I opened up the door to the basement as I headed down the stairs, “A year already…” I said to myself as I headed down the stairs. The basement was covered in ash yet it seemed to have been left alone when the garage was rebuilt. If it's been a year, wouldn't somebody have cleaned it up by now? I know you say it was pretty much left alone, but I'm not sure it would be left a complete mess.There was broken barrels that looked like had exploded during the fire and burnt papers all over the floor. I shook the thoughts, the tears the nightmares as I looked for the brick box, “ahh ha” I said as I found it and pulled it out. The rubber around the key was melted, the Twix gone and there was a photo that was burnt. A photo of me, my mother and my father. I dropped to my knees as I began to cry.


The ending, in general, was sweet, though the heartless part of me says a little cliche. Sometimes that's fine though. ;) All in all, I think this is an interesting story that can be really good with a little clean-up.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
  





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Sat Oct 15, 2011 6:01 am
PandasMoan says...



/
Last edited by PandasMoan on Sat Oct 15, 2011 6:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sat Oct 15, 2011 7:51 am
Angelreader77 says...



Hey!
Welcome to YWS! Hope you like it.
Nitpicks first :P
PandasMoan wrote:The voices within the darkness got louder as I began to run down the endless hall of darkness with great speed. A sliver of light was visible, a figure.

The voices began to catch up with me as I reached the end of the tunnel of darkness

PandasMoan wrote:The voice hit me, stabbed me through my stomach as I fell to my knees dead in my tracks, as blood began to soak my white dress and the figure getting smaller… smaller, until it was no more and I was left in the darkness, bleeding, crying, alone.

This sentence is too long and confusing. How about :
The voice hit me and stabbed me through my stomach and I fell to my knees, dead in my tracks. Blood began to soak my white dress as the figure got smaller and smaller and was no longer there. I was left in the darkness,bleeding crying,alone.

Overall it was a good first paragraph. I agree with Storyweaver13 though :
StoryWeaver13 wrote:Whoa, you got a lot of "darkness" going on here. I think you used it about...five times now? This is a good time to get an online thesaurus and find some alternative words. ;)


StoryWeaver13 wrote:The weather outside was eerie as the trees were bare and the final leaves began to drift to the ground, hitting it without a whisper.

PandasMoan wrote:I drifted how about using another word since you already used drift? down the stairs slowly as I swung my workbag over my shoulder;

PandasMoan wrote:I smiled slightly, making my way out where the final leaves where falling fast but each leaf seemed so high up, and so far away.

PandasMoan wrote:I came to a sudden stop and just tilted my head back as I gazed into the endless sky and sighed, ‘That dream, why must it keep coming back…’ I thought as a tear rolled down my cheek and fell to the ground as it crashed and shattered into a million pieces against the sidewalk. I quickly took my arm and wiped my face and kept on walking.

PandasMoan wrote:Smoke was all I could see as I sprinted in its direction, just to find myself at my father’s garage, as the flames branded my soul with terror.

PandasMoan wrote:I picked up my pace slowly step after step with my hands in my pockets, cresting a Twix bar that had been hitching a ride .

You seem to be using a lot of 'as'. Try some other words or shorten some sentences.
PandasMoan wrote:My father sat me down on the table downstairs and smiled at me with that dark tan skin, and those dark brown eyes and the stubble prickling his face.“Want to know where I keep the keys to the back garage, they are hidden so no one can ever get in except me.”, my father said as I smiled and laughed slightly. He was like a kid that couldn’t hold a secret any longer and it just exploded from his mind and out his mouth. I nodded to him as he reached for one of the old bricks and pulled it out. It was no brick but was a box with:a key in it, a Twix and a photo of me, him and my mother. “Remember, this is top secret, tell no one Laura” ,my father said to me those dark brown eyes. He leaned over and gave me a kiss on the head, “Love you kiddo” he said.

StoryWeaver13 wrote:You like to use the same adjectives a lot. "Dark" and "dark," for example. Try to mix it up a little.

I agree.
PandasMoan wrote:I opened up the door to the basement as I headed down the stairs, “A year already…” I said to myself as I headed down the stairs.

At times you repeat phrases like here, 'as I headed down the stairs'.
PandasMoan wrote:I shook the thoughts, the tears,the nightmares as I looked for the brick box. “Ahh ha” I said as I found it and pulled it out. The rubber around the key was melted, the Twix gone and there was a photo that was burnt. A photo of me, my mother and my father. I dropped to my knees and I began to cry.

PandasMoan wrote:I snuck into the basement quietly, as my stomach growled. That Twix bar was the only thing on my mind as I tip toed down the wooden stairs. A sudden voice came from the darkness as I saw a face. My father. Hey, what are you doing down here?” he said with a smile, as he sat there eating one of the Twix and smiled at me holding out the other half of the Twix bar at me. “I was having a craving” he said as he smiled at me with eyes, eyes of safety. I took it and engulfed it swiftly as it hit my stomach and made my body tingle as the craving was slayed.

PandasMoan wrote: I made my way out the front door with tears streaming down my face. My uncle REACHED OUT to stop me BUT his voice BROKE as I ran. I ran down the left of the Garage and into the nearby cemetery.

PandasMoan wrote:With heavenly grace I ran down the path in the cemetery.The stone seemed to be so far away, I came to a stop.

PandasMoan wrote:I reached into my pocket and pulled out a Twix. I placed one half in my mouth and smiled slightly. I opened my mouth to speak as tears streamed down my face onto the open soil, “I had a craving…” I said placing the other half of the Twix on the soil in the shadow of the tomb stone. “A year already… why do you have to be so far away?” I said as I cried and gazed into the air as the last leaf fell from the tree above, landing on the ground without a whisper.

It was a really nice story, with a good concept. I loved the ending, it was something original.Sorry for being so nitpicky. I hope it helped!
Keep writing! :D
Angel
"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea." --Isaac Dinesen
  





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Sat Oct 15, 2011 6:03 pm
PandasMoan says...



Thanks both of you! how does it look now?
  





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Wed Oct 19, 2011 10:21 am
Angelreader77 says...



It's good! :D Your welcome.
Just one thing I found..
PandasMoan wrote: I returned the smile of pity as I sat down at the table with two plates on it, toast. “I’m sorry mom, I don’t have time for breakfast this morning, I have to head to work.. And pay him a visit” I said as I headed towards the door grabbing my peacoat and wrapped it around me doing up the buttons as I turned to wave to my mother,

She sat down, then said she was in a hurry, and got up again to head to work? That doesn't make sense. :P
I see there are a lot lesser 'as's as well. xD
Keep writing!
"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea." --Isaac Dinesen
  








People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear.
— John Patrick, The Curious Savage