Young Writers Society

I'm really not sure about this one, so I've decided to ask for some feedback!

Airplane lines

Black is the land, the swaying trees, the lonely houses, the rolling hills. Black and full of shadows.
Golden shines the sky, red, deep blue and purple.
And the land, shrouded by the creeping darkness, so full of mysteries.
Eternal vastness, cloudless and bright, unblemished, apart from the long, shining scars that stretch themselves over the sky. Blood red in colour now, but only a few minutes ago they had been a dark gold.
Hidden from mortal eyes, every whispering tree, every crowing raven guards its secrets jealously from prying eyes.
But the sea of colours shines bright and so clear above. Every detail visible, exposed to the shadow world below.


And the scars, the scars! What to make of them?
An incomprehendable phenomenon.
There’s something more to them, something that would slip the mind again and again.
The way they fill us with melancholic ponderings...
But what else are they, but the traces of those thousands of wondering souls travelling aimlessly?
Scars hiding a wound, visible to anyone, but what hides behind the flesh is unknown, a mystery. What are they?


The thin arms that wrap themselves around my arm shock me so violently, that I nearly topple out of my chair.
She looks up at me with such startled innocence reflected in her eyes, that I have to hold back a laugh.
I drag her onto my lap and start combing the wild tangle of white-blonde hair with my fingertips.
For a moment her small body struggles, trying to clamber free of my affectionate pruning. Her green eyes search mine with a reproaching look in them.
This time I can’t help myself but laugh. The look is so grown up, it hardly matches her otherwise childish, unfocused gaze, as if in her own world.
I pull her close and together we gaze at the always darkening sky.
After a while I lean close and whisper into her ear.”So, my wild cat, what do you think the airplane lines are hiding from us?”
“You mean the scars?”
I smile,”Yes, the scars, what do you think hides behind their flesh?”
Without turning her gaze from them, she states in a sure voice, hardly hesitating.
“They look like a crack to heaven”

...

“Yes, they do.”

Hey there!

I think this was quite cute. I'd never really thought too much about the lines in the sky made by the airplanes before, but now I can see how they could resemble so many things. I liked your ideas. With the scars across the flesh that is the sky, and the cracks leading to Heaven. It was a pretty nice image.

Your descriptions were nice, building up pictures in my head as I read, but this one left me a little confused.

Hidden from mortal eyes, every whispering tree, every crowing raven guards its secrets jealously from prying eyes.

I had to read the last part of the sentence a number of times to work out what was meant. I'd suggest maybe re-writing it so it's structured a little clearer.

The thin arms that rap themselves around

'rap' should be 'wrap'

I think the dialogue was cute. I thought the little girl's voice was a little too beyond her years first of all, but then again, she seems to be mature from the way the mum reacts with a laugh to her words and gaze.

Yeah, I liked this

Thanks for the read!

xDudettex

Oh great! So glad you liked it!!!
The bit you didn't quite understand

Hidden from mortal eyes, every whispering tree, every crowing raven guards its secrets jealously from prying eyes.

was a kind of experiment of mine. The sky and the land were supposed to be opposites of another, kind of... well anyway, i'm still working on that writing style.
thanks soo much for the feedback!
Cheers
Skermitz =)