Young Writers Society

He's snuggled next to me, alert little eyes closed as he sleeps. I'm dozing off myself, slowly drifting away, when I feel him begin to move. I sleepily open my eyes and watch.

His delicate paws begin to twitch slightly, as if he's chasing or perhaps running away from something. He whines occasionally, sharp, shivering little sounds that could barely be called a squeak but are whines nonetheless.

He came from a shelter. When I adopted him, they told me that he used to live in a home where abuse hadn't exactly been scarce. I wonder how anyone could harm such a harmless little thing as my puppy, but then, I wonder how people can do many horrible things, and that doesn't make them happen any less frequently.

He continues to whine. I place my hand gently on his velvety forehead, talking to him in a gentle voice. The whines subside, slowly but steadily, until they disappear, and at last he's still.

Perhaps he was having a nightmare. I'm not even sure that puppies have those, but, contemplating what he's been through, it wouldn't be entirely unrealistic. If he did have nightmares, what would they be like?

Maybe he would imagine a house filled with anger and turmoil where he was forced to stay, held in a constant state of unsureness as to whether he would make it through the day without suffering beneath a cruel hand. Or maybe he would imagine the cold concrete walls and chain-linked fences of the shelter where he'd spent a few miserable days and nights, listening to the lonely howling of the other poor unlucky creatures whose fate was uncertain. And at the core of it all, he would remember how many of his unfortunate friends were led into the room at the end of the hallway and never came out again.

Sighing, I cuddle against him and close my eyes. His nightmare is over. He has a new life now, and he'll never have to walk to the room at the end of the hallway.

Generally, this story is nicely written. The flow is easy to follow and i enjoy reading it. I can see the bond and love between you and the puppy which is good. I think you had the right title for your story. Hall can be described as ones life and in your story, the puppy had experienced humans cruelty. When you had adopted the puppy, you automatically put the misery to an end, giving the puppy a second chance in its life.
However, i think that you shouldn't use the word ' Sighing' in the last two lines as sighing usually associated with negative feeling.

I agree with Snoweary. Instead use- Sighing with relief, i cuddle...
the story is well written.

He's snuggled next to me, alert little eyes closed as he sleeps. If he's asleep, they're not alert right now. It's not really knowledge the reader needs right now. Also, kind of dull as a first sentence, but I'll forgive it. I'm dozing off myself, slowly drifting away, when I feel him begin to move. I sleepily open my eyes and watch.

His delicate paws begin to twitch slightly, as if he's chasing or perhaps running away from something. You use begin to twice within a few sentences. Not good. "Begin to" tends to slow down prose. He whines occasionally, sharp, shivering little sounds that could barely be called a squeaks but are whines nonetheless. You started it as plural, so end it as plural. Anyway, the last bit of this sentence doesn't make sense. They could barely be called squeaks but are whines nontheless? o0 Maybe if you took out "whine" it would make a lot more sense. oo

He came from a shelter. When I adopted him, they told me that he used to live in a home where abuse hadn't exactly been scarce. Read the last part of this sentence out loud. You'll realize that it's very clunky and difficult to get through. I wonder How anyone could anyone harm such a harmless Harm...harmless. It's word repetition, even though it's not exactly the same word. Avoid it, because it seems weird and awkward. oo little thing as my puppy? But then, I wonder how people can do many horrible things, and that doesn't make them happen any less frequently. As much as possible, you want to avoid the "I wonder" and the "I thought" phrases in first person. When you go about your day, you don't go, "I wonder what's for lunch." You just think, "What's for lunch?" This should be reflected in first person.

He continues to whine. I place my hand gently on his velvety Gently...velvety doesn't work. It's awkward. forehead, talking to him in a gentle voice. Tell me what she says. It's more concrete. Even a little phrase saying she said sweet little nothings would help. Something more concrete. The whines subside, slowly but steadily, until they disappear and at last he's still.

Perhaps he was having a nightmare. I'm not even sure that if puppies have those, but, contemplating what he's been through, it wouldn't be entirely unrealistic. If he did have nightmares, what would they be like?

Maybe he would imagine a house filled with anger and turmoil Stilted. where he was forced to stay, held in a constant state of uncertainty as to whether he would make it through the day without suffering beneath a cruel hand. Or maybe he would imagine the cold concrete walls and chain-linked fences of the shelter where he'd spent a few miserable days and nights, listening to the lonely howling of the other poor unlucky creatures whose fates were uncertain. And at the core of it all Awkward phrase again., he would remember how many of his unfortunate friends were led into the room at the end of the hallway and never came out again.

Sighing, I cuddle against him Might want to add a "I picked him up" line somewhere, or at least indicate they're lying down side by side. I imagined them to be sitting on a sofa, with him at her leg, which makes for a funny picture at this point. oo"and close my eyes. His nightmare is over. He has a new life now, and he'll never have to walk to the room at the end of the hallway.

Okay! So this is more like a personal story than fiction, so I'll critique it as such. I won't go in-depth into voice because the key here is that it's a personal story, not a story with a plot and all that jazz. The point here is that you have to sound accessible and consistent.

You don't. oo You switch to higher-sounding words towards the end of the piece, and that really messed up the cozy feel your piece gave off in the beginning. In the beginning, it was nice and warm and fuzzy - pretty good, actually. Then, towards the end, you veered towards a more poetic style, making it feel less personal and more crafted. This essentially ruined whatever fuzzy feelings your piece had built up at that point. ^^' The break in voice [real voice, not fictional/narrative voice] was obvious; you were writing in a way you don't usually talk, and it showed. The words didn't seem to fit right with the rest of the piece.

I want you to look at the end of the piece and forget about good writing and all that stuff (except spelling and grammar). What do you want to say? Write the way you speak. If you were telling someone this story, how would you sound? Write like that. Don't try to sound like something you're not, or use words you don't normally use. ^^"

Also, I'd like a little more descriptions on the surroundings. I can't really imagine much, and as you could see, my mind was left to its own devices and built its own surroundings due to the lack of information you gave. I thought of an idyllic afternoon, with you on the sofa and your little puppy by your leg, both of you dozing off to the afternoon heat. Obviously I was wrong, but you'd like to avoid your readers doing this. This is why you set up the surroundings. Don't go too in-depth - just a word here or there. Mention she's in her bed in one area, then in another mention the darkness. Things like those help because if you give the key details, the reader's mind will fill in the rest. Bed? Dark? She must be about to sleep, so it's probably nighttime. Give your readers credit, but don't expect them to be psychic.

One last thing - if you revise this, go over the work and delete every single word you can, words that don't matter because the sentence works fine without them. Also, read it out loud and check for clunky sentences that are difficult to get through. Revise those bits. I pointed them out to you here, but this is a useful tip whenever you write. ^^ I just thought I would toss it up here so you could use it in another piece~ =]

Anyway, cute story. <3 I hope you find this review helpful! PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Octave

I really enjoyed it, I have a short attention span so short stories tent to appease my aggrovated creativity itch. I loved the imagery in I think it was the fifth Stanza? The line - suffering beneath a cruel hand. Really jumped off the screen and whacked me over the head. Great job Keep it up!