Young Writers Society

The Runaway

Lewis Parker sat on the curb. It was nearly noon and the sun was at its highest, glaring down at him with a fiery intensity. It had been exactly four hours since he ran away. With the speed of a slug, Lewis got up from the curb and continued his hike up the street. Only seven years old and a fugitive, he was running from the law…of his parents.
A sudden urge to look back over his shoulder took over him and he snuck a peek at the small yellow house at the end of the col-de-sac. His mother was probably just sitting down with some tea and sandwiches and his father would just be turning on the Sunday football game. And if he hadn’t run away, little Lewis Parker would be sitting right in the middle of them, having a pleasant Sunday morning.
But Lewis kept on trudging along down the desolate street of Salisbury Lane. Fatigued and dreary eyed from that long hike down the street, Lewis took a seat at the end of the block, right under Miss Vanderhiggin’s apple tree.
Lewis was a skinny lad with hair the color of sand and eyes the shade of parsley. He was like any other boy as well with cuts on bruises on his knees and elbows. He even had a scratch just below his left cheek in the shape of a crescent moon. It was from running into Miss Vanderhiggin’s mean old tabby cat, Bobarious, who happened to be making its way down from the apple tree Lewis had taken refuge under.
“Hello Bobarious,” Lewis chirped. Despite the small tussle the two had gotten into the day before, the two got along quite nicely. On occasion, Miss Vanderhiggin would leave Bobarious in Lewis’s care.
The black brown tabby stretched out its back taking a gruesome looking yawn, and slinked over to Lewis rubbing up against his side like a slinky.
“You funny cat,” Lewis said scratching Bobarious between the ears. “Guess what Bobarious, I’ve run away.”
The cat sat down and blinked at Lewis as if to say “go on.” And so Lewis did.
“Mommy and Daddy were yelling at me because I hit Ainsley,” Lewis pouted. “It wasn’t even my fault, she started it.”
Bobarious blinked twice at Lewis as if to say “I’m so sorry, but I need to go now and drink out of those milk bottles.”
“Bobarious, I had no choice but run away…Bobarious?” Lewis watched in disappointment as his friend stalked away towards the dozen of milk bottles.
Lewis began to cry. Despite his anger at his parents for not believing Ainsley had started the fight, he missed them immensely. The tears rolled down his flustered cheeks like the rain of a fast moving sun shower.
In the periwinkle house behind Lewis, a rather ancient looking woman with hair that resembled something of Mount Everest as it was just as big and white, it seemed, was peering out the window at him. With a surprisingly amount of vigor, Miss Vanderhiggin opened the window and leaned halfway out.
“Lewis,” she croaked. “Lewis, come here little dove.”
Lewis looked around until he spotted the colorfully dressed Miss Vanderhiggin leaning out of the window, one of her arms flailing to get his attention. Discretely wiping away his tears, followed by a loud sniff, Lewis bashfully made his way up to Miss Vanderhiggin’s lemon colored front door which opened instantaneously.
“Come in, come in, come in,” Miss Vanderhiggin sang. “Come join me for some tea.”
Lewis followed the old woman into her house, which was gaudily decorated like her dress. Miss Vanderhiggin sat Lewis down at her lime green kitchen table which was surrounded by a vibrant lavender room. Lewis enjoyed coming to Miss Vanderhiggin’s house and looking at all the exotic colors she used in her house. His parents said it was like Roy G. Biv had thrown up inside her home. But none the less, Lewis always felt every color of happiness in each room and it was quite often his parents told him “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”.
Miss Vanderhiggin was no different than her house. Just as bright and colorful, quite the opposite of Mr. Grizzly across the street, who was around the same age and acted it. He was rather terrifying and Lewis would always avoid Mr. Grizzly’s gaze when walking into town. Miss Vanderhiggin’s always told Lewis not to worry and someone had just beat Mr. Grizzly with the ugly stick, that’s why he’s mean.
Miss Vanderhiggin set the kettle upon the stove and let it boil. “Well a watched kettle never boils,” she said merrily. “Best tell me what’s wrong Lewis. How about it?”
“It’s Ainsley Miss Vanderhiggin,” Lewis said glumly. “She’s done it again and got me into trouble.”
“Well maybe she likes you,” Miss Vanderhiggin teased. She chuckled at Lewis’s disgruntled face which looked as if he tasted something sour. “Oh come now, Ainsley ain’t that bad Lewis.”
“Then how come she always gets me in trouble,” Lewis snapped. “She’s a big bully.”
“I think she wants to be your friend,” Miss Vanderhiggin said.
The kettle suddenly began to whistle angrily causing for the two of them to jump. Miss Vanderhiggin turned the stove down low and got to cups in the shaped of a turtle and a giraffe from the cupboard above. “Would you like oolong or caramel and vanilla flavored tea?”
“Caramel and vanilla,” Lewis said, suddenly smiled. “And extra sugar and crème, please.”
Miss Vanderhiggin nodded and began to concoct the two different teas.
“Miss Vanderhiggin,” Lewis said, suddenly set back in his gloomy and dreary state. “Should I apologize to Ainsley…even though she started it?”
“Well that would be the gentlemen thing to do,” Miss Vanderhiggin said, setting both cups on the table. She took a quick sip of her oolong and looked sideways at Lewis. “I think you should. Maybe she’ll stop pestering you.”
“But I am too young to be a gentlemen,” Lewis said smugly.
“You are never too young to have manners,” Miss Vanderhiggin retorted. “Now let’s finish our tea and I think it’s best we get you back to your house. Your parents must be worried.”
“They haven’t come looking for me, it’s been four hours,” Lewis said. “I don’t think they love me anymore.”
“That’s poppycock, your parent’s love you dearly,” Miss Vanderhiggin coddled. “Now come on, let me get you back to your parents.”
“But I have run away Miss Vanderhiggin,” Lewis said defensively, clambering down from his chair. “I can’t turn back now, I’ve gone too far already.”
“Sweet pea, you’ve only gone to the end of the street, how bout I ride you back on my bike, I need the exercise,” said Miss Vanderhiggin. “And I will warn you now, the wicked run away when no one is chasing them, but the godly are as bold as lions.”
“What does that mean Miss Vanderhiggin?”
“It means that if you go back now, you will be praised for your better judgment. Now hurry up and follow me,” Miss Vanderhiggin said, picking up her straw hat from the counter. “It’s getting late soon and I wouldn’t want you walking by yourself.”
“Yes ma’am.” Lewis said, following the old woman out of her house to the front porch. She picked up the old bike leaning against the wall of the house and motioned for Lewis to come nearer.
“Now go ahead and sit on the handlebars,” She said. Miss Vanderhiggin waited till Lewis climbed up onto the handlebars of the bike before mounting it and peddled them out onto the street.
Just as they passed the house with two chimneys, Mr. Grizzly hobbled down from his front porch, his cane raised in the air. “Gertrude, I have a bone to pick with you!”
Lewis laughed as Miss Vanderhiggin rolled her eyes and stopped the bike in front of Mr. Grizzly. Miss Vanderhiggin looked even smaller and thinner next to Mr. Grizzly who walked much like a bear does on its hind legs with his arms turned downward complete with his scruffy beard and disheveled beard giving him an overall, rustic look.
“Gertrude, your blasted apples are rolling across the street into my yard and are rotting,” Mr. Grizzly barked.
“I am sorry to hear that,” Miss Vanderhiggin said sweetly. Lewis wondered how she could speak so nicely to a man with no manners. It suddenly appeared to Lewis that if he didn’t apologize to Ainsley, he might turn into the bitter Mr. Grizzly one day.
“Well I will be back Grizzly,” Miss Vanderhiggin said. “I need to return Lewis here to his parents.”
“I ran away,” Lewis chimed in. “But I’m going to apologize to Ainsley. I wouldn’t want to become a bitter old man.”
Miss Vanderhiggin’s eyebrows rose to the very top of her forehead. Mr. Grizzly let out an angry growl and spun on his heel, retreating back to his front porch.
Miss Vanderhiggin peddled up onto Lewis’s driveway and walked him up to the front door of his house. She let Lewis ring the doorbell which sounded vaguely like church bells, and waited with him. The door opened shedding a pool of saffron light onto the two of them. It was Mr. Parker, tightly woven and snug in his bathrobe and plaid pants and fluffed slippers. His face was mixed with surprise and anger.
“Lewis,” he said, more in question than in a patronizing sense.
Miss Vanderhiggin nudged Lewis in encouragement.
“I ran away Daddy,” Lewis said. “But I’ve decided to be a gentlemen and not a Grizzly.”

yellow house at the end of the col-de-sac.

Its spelled cul-de-sac.

skinny lad with hair the color of sand and eyes the shade of parsley

Try colour

With a surprisingly amount of vigor, Miss Vanderhiggin opened the window

How about vigour.

around until he spotted the colorfully dressed Miss Vanderhiggin

Again, colourfully . Sound oh so much better.
Change all the color into colour, and ect.

“Oh come now, Ainsley ain’t that bad Lewis.”

Try isn't.

“Would you like oolong or caramel and vanilla flavored tea?”

Change to flavoured .

Lewis said, suddenly smiled. “And extra sugar and crème, please.”

Its a fragment, Change it to: And, extra sugar and creme. Please?

beard and disheveled beard giving him an overall, rustic look.

Must be changed to dishevelled

Other than that its a very nice!
Keep writing!

Seems like the person who reviewed this first is trying to convert you to the non-american way of spelling things (you know, all the times "u" was added). That really isn't important, you can spell it both ways, it really just depends where you're from. I know, personally, I would never use 'color' because I'm Canadian and it almost feels like a pride thing.

Lewis Parker sat on the curb. It was nearly noon and the sun was at its highest, glaring down at him with a fiery intensity. It had been exactly four hours since he ran away. With the speed of a slug, Lewis got up from the curb and continued his hike up the street. Only seven years old and a fugitive, he was running from the law…of his parents.

The issue I have with this opening paragraph is that he's sitting on the curb for all of two sentences before he gets up and leaves. In my opinion, it would either have more purpose, or change it up. You can start off with him walking and still have similar description about the sun and the speed of which he's walking. It would help your story to flow better from the very beginning.

But Lewis kept on trudging along down the desolate street of Salisbury Lane. Fatigued and dreary eyed from that the long hike down the street, Lewis took a seat at the end of the block, right under Miss Vanderhiggin’s apple tree.

WHen I first read this, I was under the impression that Lewis was a teenager running away, and I found myself wondering why he was stopping already. Perhaps you could hint earlier on that he's a young child, through the way he sees things, or a memory of him doing something only a child would, etc, there are many ways you could do this creatively.

He was like any other boy as well with cuts on bruises on his knees and elbows.

This is awkwardly worded. "He was like any other boy his ages - covered in cuts and bruises from falling off his bike and tripping over his feet" , this would expand on the idea you've presented there. You don't have to word it the same, but do something with the sentence to make it more clear.

It was from running into Miss Vanderhiggin’s mean old tabby cat, Bobarious, the day before, who happened to be making its way down from the apple tree Lewis had taken refuge under.

This sentence is a bit of a mouthful, you could break it up, or not. But I do suggest making a reference to when the cat did it, because at first I was under the impression that the cat had just done it. I know you do it in the next paragraph, but try switching it to this one instead.

The black brown tabby stretched out its back(comma) taking a gruesome looking yawn, and slinked over to Lewis(comma) rubbing up against his side like a slinky.

A bit of a mouthful here, too.

Mommy and Daddy were yelling at me because I hit Ainsley,(change the comma to a period)”

Bobarious blinked twice at Lewis as if to say “I’m so sorry, but I need to go now and drink out of those milk bottles.”

I like the fact that the cat's talking without really talking, but you've now used "as if to say" twice, quite close together too. Try switching it up.

Lewis watched in disappointment as his friend stalked away towards the dozen of milk bottles.

Despite his anger at his parentsfor not believing Ainsley had started the fight, he missed them immensely.

You've already told us what happened through the dialogue with the cat, we don't need our memory refreshed. It also makes for the chunky sentence.

Discretely wiping away his tears, followed by a loud sniff, Lewis bashfully made his way up to Miss Vanderhiggin’s lemon colored front door which opened instantaneously.

I feel like you're focusing too hard on coming up with unique colours for the houses. It's not an important factor in your story, so don't over-describe it.

Miss Vanderhiggin sat Lewis down at her lime green kitchen table which was surrounded by a vibrant lavender room.

You're doing it again, and it's getting more and more distracting.

Miss Vanderhiggin’s always told Lewis not to worry and someone had just beat Mr. Grizzly with the ugly stick, that’s why he’s mean.

You don't need the " 's " whatsoever.

The kettle suddenly began to whistle angrily(comma) causing for the two of them to jump. Miss Vanderhiggin turned the stove down low and got to two cups in the shapes of a turtle and a giraffe from the cupboard above.

“Caramel and vanilla,” Lewis said, and suddenly smiled. “And extra sugar and crème, (creme?) please.”

Miss Vanderhiggin nodded and began to concoct the two different teas.

Concoct doesn't seem like the right word for the scene. It makes sense grammatically, but it threw me off a bit, as if she's brewing potions.

“But I am too young to be a gentlemen,” Lewis said smugly.

Based on his age, I don't think he would be saying something smugly.

“That’s poppycock, your parent’s (no apostrophe, just "parents") love you dearly,” Miss Vanderhiggin coddled.

“It’s getting late soon and I wouldn’t want you walking by yourself.”

“Yes ma’am.(replace the period with a comma)” Lewis said, following the old woman out of her house to the front porch.

She picked up the old bike that was leaning against the wall of the house and motioned for Lewis to come nearer.

“Now go ahead and sit on the handlebars,” she said.

Miss Vanderhiggin looked even smaller and thinner next to Mr. Grizzly who walked much like a bear does on its hind legs with his arms turned downward complete with his scruffy beard and disheveled beard giving him an overall, rustic look.

Watch that you don't write run-on sentences, try breaking this up a bit.

“I ran away Daddy,” Lewis said. “But I’ve decided to be a gentlemen and not a Grizzly.”

Cute ending.


Overall:
Nice piece. I like the characters you had portrayed, Miss. Vanderhiggin's character was very consistent, but I feel like you could make Lewis's a little more. Don't forget that he's a child, so match his actions and thoughts to that.
The writing was pretty good, but don't over-describe things, like you were doing with the colours of the house. It becomes repetitive. I hope this helped!

I think this is really adorable. The characters are very cartoon-ish, in that they seem to be exaggerated versions of real people, but that isn't a bad thing. It makes it seem a bit like you've portrayed the characters with the innocent perspective that someone as young as Lewis has.

Whilst I can see why you've chosen to use the language you've used, I feel like maybe it would be best to avoid using cliches like 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' and words like 'poppycock', partly because I think when you're reading something, cliches can come off a little bit...unimaginative? Like you haven't spent the time to make every bit of what you're writing sound original. Although that is really just a matter of opinion, you may feel completely differently about it.

I think the ending was really cute, with Lewis not wanting to be a Grizzly. Completely adorable. For me, it made the whole story.

Hi! I'm quite happy to review it anyway so no worries and no problem Right, let's see what you have here...

Specifics

1. Why does he keep stopping to sit down? He hasn't gone far before he stops again and you give us little reason why. Is he really that tired from wwalking along one street? Maybe he has asthma and is panicing about running away so he has to stop and fumble with his inhaler? Or maybe he keeps stopping to think about changing his mind but resolves himself to keep going each time? Whatever the reason, make it stronger and more realistic.

2. It would be more interesting if you showed us him getting scratcheed instead of told us. That little break in the plot is pretty distracting and it would run much more smothly if you just encountred the events as they happen. Something is in the tree. Oh dear, what could it be? Ouch! Oh... it's the cat.

3. Oh he got thius scratch the day before? That's not very clear so maybe look into re-writing that section anyway.

4. Why are there a dozen milk bottles and where? Has the milk va been mysteriously parked next to them or does someeone drink a seriou amount of milk? Try to describe scenes more so your reader can picture everything exactly the way you're imaggining it, instead of having to make ttheir own scennarios up. Like the random milk van that is now sitting in my head.

5. I'd like to see more of what's going on in his head, more of the conflict. Like how does he feel when he realises he's been spotted? Is his first thought that he looks like a baby for crying or that he should run on before she can catch him? Or maybe he thinks he can convince her not to tell his parents, or the police. It woould be really nice to get a little more commentary from Lewis.

6. I love how he gets the idea that not apologising will turn him into Mr. Grizzly. That part made me smile soo nicely done.

7. Nice ending.

Overall Thoughts

I think this was a little rocky in places, but sine you said it was a quick write up, I'm not goiing to go into all th grammar and spelling mistakes and stuff like that. Just make sure you read it through thoroughlyy at some point and fix everything!

Instead, I'm going to look at it more broadly and suggest that you do some more work on Lewis. At the moment, it's very hard to pin point his age as early on, he seemed to be older than he is and then suddenly take a big drop and even after that, there's a lot of guessing for us to do. I'd say he's around 8? But really he could be anywhere from 5 to 13. You need to tweak his dialogue a bit more and if he's a little kid, describe how small his steps are and how long the street seems. Make this out to be a huge adventure. Also, if he is such a little kid, it seems strange that he knows the woman at the end of his street so well, when you're presenting it as if that seems like a really long journey to him. You need to go one way or the other, either he's walked down this street lots of times, maybe on the way to school with his parents and now it's harder because they're not there. Or. This is something he hasn't done before and the people are scary and unfamiliar.

Other than that though, I liked this. It was sweet, you had some good characterisation going on with the woman and it made for a pretty smooth read.

Heather xxx