Young Writers Society

So, here is my short story Pranks. I kind of twisted the meaning of 'pranks.' Hehe.
James threw on his backpack, and jumped into the front passenger’s seat of his dad’s white truck. He breathed deeply, and tried to calm his nerves as his dad drove him to school. He had just moved to Minnesota with his dad, and was excited about going to a new high school, and starting over with his life. No one would know him, and they could see his good side, rather than his bad side.
“Have fun, and good luck.” His father’s deep voice called out as James stepped out of the car, and headed for the front doors of his new school. He glanced at his schedule, and entered the huge doors. He walked into a large hall with rows of lockers, and what looked like hundreds of corridors. How in the world am I going to memorize this place? James thought, as he glanced at the school map. His homeroom teacher was Mrs. G, something. Her room was close to where his locker was. James walked straight ahead, and turned right, and then turned left, and then found his locker half way down the aisle on his right side. He stuffed his backpack into his locker, and took out some supplies he thought he’d need for homeroom. James closed his locker, and made a lock combination.413.His birthday numbers. A loud bell blared in James’s ears, and all of the kids surrounding James closed their lockers and headed off for class. James studied his school map again: Walk to the end of the hall way, turn left, and Mrs. G’s classroom would be the second door on his right. How confusing! It’s like this school’s goal was to confuse its students, rather than help and teach them! James followed the map’s directions to his homeroom class. James opened the classroom door, and walked in. Mrs. G stood up front, talking with students’ parents, and smiling amiably. The moment James set eyes on her, he liked her. Her soft, white face, and perfect smile, comforted James immediately; his fears disappeared as he sat down at a desk in the back of the room. James glanced around the room to see who his classmates were, and as if by curse, Madison Cummings sat right next to him, talking to a friend.
“Yeah, and he put water balloons in our sleeping bags too.” James over heard Madison telling her friends about the pranks he’d done to her and her friends at summer camp, “We got in, sat down, and all of us screamed at the top of our lungs asking who did it. But we all knew to well James had done it.” Madison laughed with her friend.
“Did you get back at them, or yell at them?” Madison’s friend asked, still laughing at the prank.
“No. We actually really enjoyed the pranks. Our counselor wasn’t the most fun to be around, so we looked forward his pranks. You should’ve seen the counselor! Oh my goodness gracious! She was exhausted from the long walk we took, and so she plopped down onto her bed, and this great pop exploded from under her sleeping bag, and some sprayed onto her face even! She jumped up, her back and her behind soaked with water, screaming as loud as she could. I swear she could’ve gotten a world record for her screaming! Then she raced out of the cabin for everyone to see. And, and…” Madison became over whelmed with laughing. Her face was a bright red, and she put her head on her desk. Her friend was giggling like crazy, and James realized that his pranks had added lot of humor to Madison’s life. He’d created memories, to bad they weren’t good ones. James leaned over and tapped Madison’s shoulder. She would notice him sooner or later. Madison looked up, and pushed her strawberry-blonde hair off of her pink face.
“James?” Her eyes grew wide with surprise.
“Hey.” He smiled shyly, “I heard you telling your friend about the water balloon prank.”
“Yeah, that was so funny!” She laughed.
“Glad you thought so.” He laughed slightly.
“Our whole cabin waited for your pranks every day.” She smiled brightly.
“Really? They didn’t annoy you?” He raised his eyebrows.
“Yeah.” She cocked her head slightly to the side, “You’ve changed since camp. Your not as boyish, and out going.”
“Well, I’ve sort of dropped the pranks.” He looked at his feet.
“Oh, I see.” Madison didn’t hide her disappointment in her voice very well. James looked at her face, and realized that it was sort of sad. Maybe, people like my pranks. James thought. Maybe my pranks liven people’s lives up, rather than making people’s lives bad. Maybe I don’t need to change, and become ‘good.’ My personality is like Madison said, boyish and outgoing. Not shy and really mature. James played with his jacket’s zipper. He didn’t need to change, to be come a better person. He didn’t need to pretend to be someone he wasn’t. He need to be himself, and stay that way.
When homeroom ended, James secretly followed Madison, and found that her locker was across from his. During lunch, James found Madison and mysteriously said, “Beware of your locker, Miss Cummings,” before walking off. Madison quickly finished her lunch and eagerly went to her locker with her friends. James followed close behind. Madison opened her locker door, and a loud pop exploded in their ears. A broken piece of balloon rubber fell to the ground, and when they looked inside the locker, a bundle of daisies lay onto of Madison’s books.

Please comment! Thanks!

You have a great start! You were very descripitive of the setting and overall setup. You could embellish it a bit more with more descriptive wording or adjectives, but otherwise I think it is an excellent short story!

James threw on his backpack, and jumped into the front passenger’s seat of his dad’s white truck. He breathed deeply, and tried to calm his nerves as his dad drove him to school. He had just moved to Minnesota with his dad, and was excited about going to a new high school, and starting over with his life. No one would know him, and they could see his good side, rather than his bad side.

You said dad too many times. Maybe replace one with the word 'father?'
I don't know if the comma after 'deeply' was necessary. I tend to abuse them myself, so I'm not judging, but it seems that the story would flow better without.

he’d done to her and her friends

It took me a couple reads to understand this sentence. The phrasing is just a little off.

“No. We actually really enjoyed the pranks. Our counselor wasn’t the most fun to be around, so we looked forward his pranks.

Using the word pranks twice looks kind of weird. I'd say something like 'so we looked forward to them.'

I like the ending. It's well written.

Overall a good story. keep it up!

Thank you, and thank you! I'm fixing those errors now!

Yo there, Audrey.

It is definitely clear that is a short story and nothing else. And I like it that way - it's short, to the point and completely, and utterly, nothing to be extended into a novella. There's the opportunity, but it would only be a dull read and there isn't a whole lot you as an author could go from except a typical teenage romance lasting about twenty pages. But please don't do that - it'd only be agonizingly boring. However, despite this fact, there is a bit one can fix up to make this short story better.

First, there are so many chances that you have to elaborate on your characters, especially James. There's not much the reader knows about in the beginning and it doesn't really change either by the end, despite the fact that he has a small epiphany at the end, just barely squeaking him in as a dynamic character/protagonist. But let's make him even more dynamic, alright? First, you've got a good chance right at the beginning: the part where James climbs into the truck with his father. You have this and suddenly the second paragraph jolts the audience into a school setting. In order for these two paragraphs to flow smoothly into one another, you might need better words or, even better, an additional written part! There is your chance to elaborate on James' character. If I were you, I would definitely write up some dialogue between maybe James and his father or simply his thoughts and feelings and sights on the way to his new school. Be precise, but too much (info-dumps are boooring), and thus the audience can acquire more information this boy.

Doubly, when you introduce Madison into the story, it's almost confusing whether or not you're countering the fact that he doesn't know anybody at the school. He, perhaps, probably had the tiniest inkling that Madison would be attending his same school. It doesn't make much sense otherwise and is completely contrary to what you, as the author, wrote in the beginning, how James was heading to a brand new school where he knew no one else. So when you introduce Madison into the story, the audience may be a little confused - who is this Madison girl and why does James know her if it's his first day at the new school? It doesn't click properly. Alternately, you may want to consider expanding a little more with James and him reminiscing back to the camp days and his pranks against Madison and her friends. Perhaps include a short conversation that James happened to remember for some reason ... I'm not really sure. If you insist that Madison know James previously due to a camp (which would work best for the story, I think), you must specify earlier on that James knew hardly anyone but did know at least one person. Be precise, Audrey, be precise and decisive.

Nevertheless, I was pleased with the ending you created. I found it quite abrupt and it was like the entire story had been rushed through to be finished but despite that minor issue, it was pleasing. There seemed to be no catch and the flowers added a nice last touch to the entirety of the piece. However, I really think you should write more about James as a character and perhaps about his past acquaintance with the Madison girl - and if you have time, the readers are always up to learn about the other rather important character (and in this case, it's Madison).

Yours,
Lavvie