Young Writers Society

I stepped into the icy prison, prepared for another day of anguish and abuse. I was a convict, wrongly accused, surrounded by the aloof yet alert eyes of sentinels waiting to catch me in an act I’d never commit. Standing above her minions, the self- important keeper and cause of my misery glared tauntingly. Never again would I trust her to do what is right; she had proved herself more deserving of solitary confinement than me, the supposed transgressor.
Even I found it nearly impossible to believe I’d once found this place a blessing, a source of comfort and enjoyment. The only incidents I had to remember the joy this school used to bring were my nighttime dreams, although they, too, often turned from an illusion of peace to a vile nightmare. I couldn’t change the past, though, nor could I predict the future. I sighed deeply and walked toward Katelyn, my best friend and other inmate in this penitentiary.
Together, we walked to our first period, Chemistry Honors- also known as the worst possible class to start the day with. A sense of mutual foreboding filled our stomachs as we saw the door shut behind the Queen of Mean- Brianna, the source of all our social problems, not to mention Former Best Friend. My hands trembled slightly and grew clammy and I grasped the doorknob, reluctant to twist it and follow our oppressor into Room 301. Through the slender window in the entrance, I saw her alternating between glaring fiercely at us and animatedly chatting with a few cheerleaders. Katelyn gave me an encouraging look as I pushed the door open.
What’d happened between Bri and me and Katelyn? The question swirled around my head constantly- now was no exception- but the “answers” we heard didn’t add up. One night we’d been the truest friends ever found; literally the next day, she refused to speak to either of us. Beyond that, she spread lies and made our lives as horrid as she possibly could without being expelled from the academy- or rather, fired from her position as manager of miserable. I consoled myself with the awareness that it was Friday, thank goodness, and this distressful week was nearly over. I commented on such to my partner; she nodded emphatically.
Several hours later, my last class was dismissed and I went to cross-country, eager to hear any gossip about the situation. Poor Katelyn had two other classes with Brianna that day; I wanted to know what she’d done now. Unfortunately, Katelyn finished changing before I arrived; she was already at the track waiting for the coaches. Before I had a chance to question her, training began. By the time I had finished, she had packed up her bags to go home. "No bother," I decided, unperturbed. "She should be sleeping over tonight, anyway."
When I dialed the phone number, I was transferred to the answering machine; I asked if she still wanted to come to my house, confident that she’d respond same as she always did. I arrived home after my agonizing weekday and promptly went upstairs, ready to check my email and unwind. I saw one new email, from Katelyn, and opened it, a smile breaking over my face as the page loaded.
“Lydia, I know what you said about me. Bri told my why she was so furious with you- and honestly, I can’t blame her! I never would’ve expected you to stoop that low. I trusted you, but not anymore. I won’t be coming over, and if what everyone’s been saying is true, I doubt you’ll miss me. Call me what you want, ‘cause I honestly don’t care. I’m really hurt, and I’m done with the drama.” Tears pricked at my eyes- Brianna had struck again.

Wow that was heavy but I can connect on so many levels (even though I'm a guy) I really understand the feeling of how some place you used to enjoy being suddenly changes to a cold place you need to escape. I think this was well written and put together. The last little but from the e-mail was painful to read :/ I hope this person named Bri is not real they are not someone I would want to be around. If they are feel free to message me on my wall I'm always available for you to vent to anyways I think your writing was great and I hope this is not drawn from a real life experience even though I think it is. I often write from my real life experiences so I expect your doing the same. ALWAYS HERE TO HELP!!!!

Um, so.

I won't say that I liked this. That would be commensurate to saying that I liked the cliché(s) that frame it, and I don't. I find them irksome.

This wasn't badly written - that I'll grant you - but the sheer quantity of the clichés that are stuffed inside it anchors it down profoundly, to the point where it becomes difficult to read. They sap out much of the emotion; what remains seems almost comical - certainly not serious - in the presence of its hackneyed context.

The melodramatism you pin onto this doesn't help in the least. Actually, clichés tend to have an inherent overdramatic accent, considering that they became clichés because of all the writers who attempted to make everyday teenage life more interesting than it actually was, thus the unrealism.

Normally I'd be more hesitant criticizing something of this genre, because of the possibility of authenticity, but the fact is, I know it is not based on anything real. In real life, things like this do not occur. Friends do not abandon friends for no reason save spite. Nor do they trouble themselves to spread gossip about someone who doesn't even appear to be high in the social hierarchy. Cheerleaders are not the only form of popularity in feminine celebrity, as you carelessly suppose. As a machine will not function with worn cogs, a story will not succeed with overused qualities.

Also: um, please tone down your prison references. They add a completely irrelevant secondary conflict that proves quite distracting in juxtaposition with the actual one. Additionally, they are unrealistic, as theatrical characteristics tend to be. School ≠ icy prison, sorry. School, at most, is mildly boring. Even more weakening is the fact that you pursue the subject passionately in the first couple of paragraphs, then make no further reference to it throughout the remainder of the story.

Likewise (see first prison critique) with the cheesy names you accord Brianna. They don't hold much weight, simply because of how not serious they are. "Queen of mean?" "Manager of the miserable?" Are you going for comic, or for drama? I honestly can't tell.

See, not only is your cheap labeling unemotional, but it doesn't reflect the mindset of one who is bullied. People become defensive when attacked - under the influence of no further circumstances, that's a law of nature. "Queen of mean" is not defensive, it is facetious. Thus it bespeaks little attention to realism.

Finally, Katelyn's email at the conclusion of the story is very emotionally watered down. She clumsily meanders through most of it, showing little true passion as far as the matter goes. She doesn't have to explain the situation to Lydia if she really feels that the latter said what Brianna claimed she did. A simple "We're done" would be exponentially more effective.

With that, I believe I've covered all my points. Hope this helped.

-Kafka