Young Writers Society

I didn’t want this moment to end; I can’t stop staring into his eyes, he pulls me in each growing minute we continue to hold our stare. His face showed no expression, nothing showing me that he cared as much as I did for him. That’s what kept me going. It kept me from wanting to look away. I’ve wanted this for as long as I can remember…to finally sit with him, with the waves crashing against the land and the sun starting to fade away. The moment is as romantic as it can get. The tree we sit upon keeps us from the crab infested beach below. The wind coming in from the sea blows against our bodies, my hair swaying in the background. My mind racing with thoughts on what could possibly happen next.
My wish that I once thought could only be achieved in my dreams is only a few seconds or maybe even minutes away.

Every girl I know wants to be in my position. They all want what I’m about to have. My first kiss…something I’ll continue to remember until the day I die. The day that my memory will disappear and I’ll no longer be able to recall it. My body shivers from the amount of excitement. My teeth want to chatter but I refuse to let them. Instead I bit my lower lip softly, nervously waiting patiently for him to make a move. His eyes close as he leans in closer to me head forward only a few inches away now. I close my eyes and move forward until I feel his lips press against mine. A spark flies off our lips and I can hear the angels singing from above. I feel like the whole world has stopped, like everything has just ceased to exist except for us. It feels like amazing, like nothing I've ever experienced before. The birds are singing and the waves continue to come in.

The wind comes in once again blowing against us sending my hair swaying in the air. From the distance I can hear footsteps approaching us; they seem to get louder each growing second that passes until I hear him. His strong commanding voice yells out my nickname trying to embarrass me in front of Alpha. “I hope I’m not disrupting you guys but its dinner time Hazel label.” I turn my head facing toward my dad, he has a wide small on his face showing off his perfectly clean teeth and rugged facial features war scars scattered. I shoot him a look daring him to say something else. I can tell he knows I’m embarrassed and will literally do anything I can to make him go away.

I know he is my father and has rights, but if only he could have stayed back and not have approached like that. At least he could have given me an opportunity to make it last long enough, to savor the emotion and feeling. But no he has to come marching down the boardwalk onto the beach and ruin my perfect moment. The moment every girl dreams about. I jump down from the tree and begin my walk toward our beach house only glancing over my shoulder once to look back at Alpha. He still sits on the tree looking down at his palms probably thinking of what he was going to tell his friends. He is very cute, strong arm muscles, and a very good looking built chest that I could just rest my head on.

His green eyes are adorable, almost too adorable to look away from. He wears a tight blue under armor shirt with black board shorts with red stripes. I could melt just from staring to long at him. He is something I wish I could just carry around in a purse with me. I enter the house smelling the fresh baked bread and watermelon. The table is filled with delicious fruit and meat. I feel like this day was made for me, that everything for once would go right.

I didn’t want this moment to end; I can’t stop staring into his eyes for he pulled me in each growing minute we continue to hold our stare. His face showed no expression, nothing showing me that he cared as much as I did for him. That’s what kept me going. It kept me from wanting to look away. I’ve wanted this for as long as I can remember…to finally sit on the beach, with the waves crashing against the land and the sun starting to fade away. The moment is as romantic as it can get. The tree we sit upon keeps us from the crab infested beach below. The wind coming in from the sea blows against our bodies, my hair swaying in the background. My mind racing with thoughts on what could possibly happen next.
My wish that I once thought could only be achieved in my dreams is only a few seconds or maybe even minutes away.

Every girl wants to be in my position. They all want what I’m about to have. My first kiss…something I’ll continue to remember until the day I die. The day that my memory will disappear and I’ll no longer be able to recall it. My body shivers from the amount of excitement, my teeth want to chatter but I refuse to let them, instead I bit my lower lip softly. His eyes close as he leans in closer to me head forward only a few inches away now. I close my eyes and move forward until I feel his lips press against mine. A spark flies off our lips and I can hear the angels singing from above. I feel like the whole world has stopped, like everything has just ceased to exist except for us.
It feels like amazing, like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. The birds are singing and the waves continue to come in.

The wind comes in once again blowing against us sending my hair swaying in the air. From the distance I can hear footsteps approaching us; they seem to get louder each growing second that passes until I hear him. His strong commanding voice yells out my nickname trying to embarrass me in front of Alpha. “I hope I’m not disrupting you guys but its dinner time Hazel label.” I turn my head facing toward my dad, he has a wide small on his face showing off his perfectly clean teeth and rugged facial features war scars scattered. I shoot him a look daring him to say something else. I can tell he knows I’m embarrassed and will literally do anything I can to make him go away.

I know he is my father and has rights, but if only he could have stayed back and not have approached like that. At least he could have given me an opportunity to make it last long enough, to savor the emotion and feeling. But no he has to come marching down the boardwalk onto the beach and ruin my perfect moment. The moment every girl dreams about. I jump down from the tree and begin my walk toward our beach house only glancing over my shoulder once to look back at Alpha. He still sits on the tree looking down at his palms probably thinking of what he was going to tell his friends. He is very cute, strong arm muscles, and a very good looking built chest that I could just rest my head on.

His green eyes are adorable, almost too adorable to look away from. He wears a tight blue under armor shirt with black board shorts with red stripes. I could melt just from staring to long at him. He is something I wish I could just carry around in a purse with me. I enter the house smelling the fresh baked bread and water melon. The table is filled with delicious fruit and meat. I feel like this day was made for me, that everything for once would go right.

Hey there. Well, this was a nice romantic moment, evidently spoiled by the protective father.

One of the things that bothered me about this story, though, was that a lot of the sentences just weren't coherent. For example, this sentence:

I didn’t want this moment to end; I can’t stop staring into his eyes for he pulled me in each growing minute we continue to hold our stare.

It switches between past-tense (highlighted in green) and present-tense (highlighted in orange). The sentence itself starts to ramble a bit after 'I can't stop staring into his eyes'.
There are a lot of

Every girl wants to be in my position. They all want what I’m about to have. [This is just my opinion, but that seems like quite the bold statement. I'm pretty sure not all girls are that interested in their first kiss, and 'they all want what I'm about to have' could potentially run off some readers just because they disagree with that statement. It's sometimes safer to say something like 'Most girls wait for this moment', etc. Again, though, just my opinion.]

My body shivers from the amount of excitement, my teeth want to chatter but I refuse to let them, instead I bit my lower lip softly. [Again, this sentence switches between past and present tense. It's also a run-on sentence; technically, all three commas should be periods.]

A spark flies off our lips and I can hear the angels singing from above. [This line gave me a chuckle. Nice description.]

Some of your description could use a little polishing up, but the main thing you might want to focus on are your run-on sentences, the inconsistent tenses, and sentence-length. Fixing these points will improve the story's overall flow, and make it easier to read. Sometimes a good way to test this is to read your story out loud, and see which parts are a little heavy on your tongue.

Critiquing aside, I'd say you fulfilled the 'Tween' theme quite well. I don't really know what the goal of the contest was, but I think you succeeded!

Good luck with the contest. If you have any comments or questions regarding this review, feel free to PM me or give me a holler on my wall.

Happy writing.

RWMcKinleys,

I like it, I really do. You did well to express your emotions and your feelings in this piece. I felt that the story really flowed, and it was a really nice moment you had going there with Alpha! Just a few things though,

My first kiss…something I’ll continue to remember until the day I die. The day that my memory will disappear and I’ll no longer be able to recall it.

This line just confused me a tad, and I had to read it twice to know what you were saying, which disrupted the flow. Perhaps a comma would be better suited to a period in this situation in between the two sentences. Oh, and being a watermelon enthusiast, I have to inform you that in that last paragraph there isn't a space between water and melon. I also thought that your closing sentence could be improved, so it becomes the piece of the story that people remember.

Overall, good job with the story. Your first sentence drew me in by the way, so well done there too.

Angus

Love how you prolong each moment and describe it to the fullest. You could have added more strong vocabulary.
[quote]I’ve wanted this for as long as I can remember…to finally sit on the beach, with the waves crashing against the land and the sun starting to fade away./quote]
You should have said "to finally sit with him" or something, because the part after the ellipses didn't quite relate to the first kiss and you were sitting on a tree, not exactly on the sand.