Young Writers Society

She drove with the top down letting the rain in. Mascara stained the white shirt she wore and left angry black streaks on her cheeks. Town after town she kept driving with her back to the moon. She drove until she ran out of gas and with nowhere to go she sat on the side of some county road and waited. The only thing that kept reminding her she was alive was the fragile heart beat in her chest.
***
She looked no older then eighteen. John pulled over, and got out of his truck. Her lips were the palest of blues and her face was ashen. He wondered why anyone would leave the top down on a beautiful car in the middle of a rain storm. The seats looked soaked. She must have driven all night. He shook his head and put his middle and fore finger to her slender throat. His eyes grew wide with surprise when he discovered a fragile pulse.
***
She woke to the sound of machines humming and the beep of a heart monitor. Turning her head slightly to the left she glimpsed a silhouette of a man. Her eyes fluttered closed again.
***
John sat patiently by her bed side. The ambulance arrived shortly after his call. And she was placed here. He was notified when she arrived in this room only to find that her clothes from the car were replaced with the blue hospital gown. The name board by the bed was left blank, this he thought was odd. Even if no one knew her name, she should be given one. He took the dry erase marker and wrote Angel, because that is what he thought she looked like in the car earlier that day. After replacing the marker he sat down again, and started to study her face. It was then that he noticed her eye lids flutter and open. Her eyes where the palest of greens and they held such sadness he thought. Before he could say anything her eyes were closed once again as she resumed her deep slumber. A puzzled look crossed his face for only a moment. He wondered why an angel like her would have such sadness in her life.
***
Her eyes lids fluttered and opened. She waited a second for her eyes to focus and adjust to the light. Sunlight coloured the room and a half smile graced her lips. She struggled to turn her head to the left and was disappointed to find that the man she thought she saw wasn't there. It was then that the pain came clawing back to her memory and the reason why she left. A single tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. She turned her head back slowly and looked at the wall in front of her bed.
***
Even though her eyes were open it was like she never noticed John. He came and went and tried to be there often. He kept a vase of yellow daisies by her bed, just in case she decided to notice something while he was gone. The nurse told him that she wouldn't eat or drink. She wouldn't speak or even look to see who was coming in or out of her room. This much he knew, because she never noticed him either. He felt sorry for this girl, this angel. He wished he could just know her name.

Hey

It looks like you have a great beginning to a story here. You should definitely expand this! Although I loved the ideas and scenes in the story, I feel that you could've presented the imagery in a more sensory and artistic way. Perhaps you could foreshadow (for instance, tell the reader that John thought the girl looked like an angel when he actually thought it--by the roadside, instead of in the hospital. Put the idea in the readers' heads, then reintroduce it later on. It will add depth to your point). You could also give us some more details As a reader, I love to get a good picture in my head of where the characters are and how they're feeling. Sure, she's sad, but how sad? Sure he thinks she's beautiful, but how beautiful? It's raining, but is it storming too? These little details add a LOT more to the setting of the story as a whole and they will captivate your readers immensely. Keep improving this, and you've got something really awesome!