Young Writers Society

A/N: This is based on a true story. And although it isn't inspiration as to why I started writing, it's inspiration for this particular story. I had fun writing this and hope everyone has fun reading it.
P.S My name's not Dana!

Inspiration from blowing bubbles? I bet that sounds weird. Inspiration from eating bubbles? I bet that sounds weirder.
When people are asked why they write, what do you think they say? Most say because it’s a release; others say they thought of something and just had to write it down.
I say I want to get emotions on paper- capture a moment, much like taking a picture.
My inspiration comes from my own backyard.
*****

It was me and him, dancing and sliding between the bubbles. Give any five-year-old a bottle of this stuff and they can be entertained for hours (or until it runs out). Me and Danny decided to play a ridiculous game of collecting bubbles on our tongue.
So simple, yet so much fun.
Despite the horrid dish-soap taste, we kept at it. Me on my own planet, hurrying to blow bubbles so it looks like an infinite amount. Danny, my best friend and a boy my mother couldn’t get enough of, was welcome to my home for hours doing the same.
As the bubbles floated above us, I saw something- something so spectacular that I disregarded everything else. It was a bubble. But not just any bubble, oh no. It was probably the size of a man’s fist. The plethora of colors made it a beauty so divine.
I had to have it. I, out of my stupidity, thought it looked scrumptious. I stuck out my tongue and waited for the newly renowned “Butterfly” (of course I named it!) to land.
Little did I know how close me and Danny were.
I shifted slightly because Butterfly was changing direction, and landed a huge wet one on Danny.
He was trying to steal my treat!
I jumped backward in disgust, and landed softly into a rainbow of leaves. Disappointment flooded my dark features. My snack was gone, ruined by the now unforgivable Danny.
“Danny! What the heck! That was mine!”
“Sorry Dana, I didn’t know!” And yet he had on a satisfied smirk.
I was infuriated. I would’ve been bright red if it were possible.
“Ugh! You big, fat, meanie face!” I bellowed. “I don’t have Butterfly, and now I have icky cooties!”
“Nuh uh! Both our Mommies said cooties are not real!”
“So. This is your fault, still. You did that on purpose,” I protested.
His smirk twisted into a grin as he retorted, “Yeah. I did.”
I believe the only word that could truly describe my feelings at that point is flabbergasted. That wasn’t what I was expecting.
“Danny? Danny, come. Let’s go!” his mom called in her thick Caribbean accent, much like my parents. I hadn’t even heard her arrival.
He leaned in close to me, stepping over the spilled bottle of bubbles. I felt his warm breath as he whispered, “Thanks for letting me come today, Dana. I had fun.” And with that he galloped away, leaving me motionless with my mouth ajar.
I tried to blink, but my eyelids wouldn’t budge. My lungs were deprived of oxygen, but the air just wouldn’t circulate.
What the heck was that? To this day, I still don’t know. I had sprinted up the steps of the house to my room, ignoring my mom’s calls.
I couldn’t control myself. My pink walls started to blur and fade into the distance. Writing was putting on a marionette act with me as the puppet. I grabbed a blank white sheet of construction paper, my favorite Winnie the Pooh pen, and sprawled across the floor, lying on my stomach to try and capture the moment and gain understanding.
I’m surprised the paper didn’t catch fire by the intense friction at the speed of my writing; my hands raced across the page. I had fetched several more sheets, for one wasn’t nearly enough. I constantly ripped the pages here and there.
And the feeling. Man oh man, the feeling. It was… exhilarating.
Years later, although I don’t write on construction paper, my handwriting isn’t chicken scratch, and the Winnie the Pooh pen is replaced by any regular old pencil, the tradition remains the same.
Inspiration works in odd ways.

I really like the introduction. The opening sentence really snags the attention.

of colleting bubbles on our tongue

Just a small spelling typo up there. *points*

Something so spectacular, I disregarded everything else.

I think this would sound better as: "Something so spectacular that I disregarded..."

And yet he on a satisfied smirk

You're missing a "had" in there.

I don’t have butterfly

You should capitalize butterfly, since it is a name.

Okay, this was just adorable! I loved it! The concept was just the cutest thing... two kids eating bubbles, and the boy sneaks in a kiss. Little boys are so impish! That is certainly the truth. I love what you've written here.

I have no other really issues with this piece. I kind of wonder what happened to Danny though. She's obviously thinking back and is older now, yet she never tells of where Danny is now. If she ever saw him again, if the kiss changed their relationship. I would love to know!

Haha !! I loved this !!

It's hilarious There's a contest going on right now, (forgive me, for I know not how to link ) that's called "The person behind the story". It ends on the 20th of July. If I were you, I'd check it out, because I think you could enter this piece! To me it seems to meet all the criteria, though I'm not all that good with rules, hee hee

Anyway, verrrrry well done!

XxxDo

I thought this was really sweet! However, I think there are a few things you could change to improve it further.

Your introduction is brilliant! Being extra picky, I think you could get a couple of other examples as to why people write that would be further from the reason that the character does. You could say some people like telling stories, which contrasts with the character wanting to preserve memories. But the two you have still work!

I say I want[s]ed[/s] to get emotions on paper - capture a moment, much like taking a picture.

I would change 'wanted' to present tense since the other verbs are in the present, and maybe change the punctuation a little.

five-year-old

Me and Danny

Grammatically it would be 'Danny and I', but I think you put it this way because your character was so young at the time.

Me on my own planet, hurrying to blow bubbles so it looks like an infinite amount.

As the bubbles floated above us, I saw something - something so spectacular that I disregarded everything else.

I believe the only word that could truly describe my feelings at that point is flabbergasted. That wasn’t what I was expecting.

Not sure about the tenses at this stage - you switch to present when you were using past.

“Danny? Danny, come. Let’s go!” his mom called in her thick Caribbean accent, much like my parents.

Writing was putting on a marionette act with me as the puppet.

That's a great metaphor. In fact, from there until the end, the piece is outstanding.

It was well-written and entertaining. Well done!

This was very creative, your imagination is vivid and capturing!

There's a lot of truth behind this story--whether it's fiction or something that really happened to you, I can tell because of your passionate dialouge and it's quite intriguing.

Okay, so there were just a few things I noticed that you could probably fix in two seconds. First of all, I noticed you had some mixups with your pronouns.

There was a case where you put:

QUOTE: Me and Danny

When actually it would sound better as 'Danny and I'

But that's just an opinion, I think that every writer puts personality in their writing best by their own choice of grammar, and it puts a better picture in the mind as far as how you're developing the character (after all, it is first person!).

Overall, fantastic job! Very original and enthralling. I don't know if this piece exactly belongs in the Action and Adventure department, maybe you should try it in other sections on YWS

Keep writing!

That is so sweet. it makes me think of peter pan. You did a great job and considering that I(who is half blind when it comes to reading stuff on the computer) stayed to read the whole thing says alot. It is great!!!

Allthough... this sounds stupid but... It bugged me that their names were so similar... I dont know why thatz an issue you with me.... I blame it on the shock therapy.{-;.....jk.

goog job.

Thank you!

I edited this story following what Sapphire and clograbby told me. I'm entering my first contest and this is the piece (thanks XxxDo!).

P.S I've decided to write a sequel to this piece. It's still in development, but keep youur eyes peeled!

this was great i love how it has so much fun and inocence in it it makes me want to be little again the only thing i would suggest is this:

What the hell was that?

um..i wouldn't put in "hell" only because it takes away the inocence that comes with the story. you can keep it if you want, but that was just my suggestion. i would put in "heck" or "holy cow" you know...something a little kid would say.
this is a great story and i hope you win your contest

Oh this is wonderful! If I was a teacher and this was an essay, I'd give you an A+ (despite all the spelling errors)! I saw the whole thing happening in my head. It's like a new perspective on writing. I really like Danny, he sounds adorable. These were my favorite quotes:

Livinginfantasy wrote:[b]

The plethora of colors made it a beauty so divine.

Writing was putting on a marionette act with me as the puppet.

As others have said, very creative. I'm glad you PMed me to get me here.

Exhilarating is the word for it, isn't it? Yes, it is.

Good work and I don't have much to say. Other people seem to have already found the grammatical errors and the idea is near flawless.

Inspiration DOES work in odd ways. I experienced that last night after writing "Every Nook". Just weird.

Anyway, good job. You deserve a big golden star. *adds one*

Hey LIF (can I call you that? Good.)! Stella here, as requested.

Right so.

I.NITPICKS

When people ask you why you write, what do you say?

Don't assume straight away that your reader writes.

Danny, my best friend and a boy my mother couldn’t get enough of, was welcome to my home for hours doing the same.

Haha, yes, mothers are like that. I think "welcome to our house" would sound better than "my home". More natural.

was probably the size of an average man’s fist.

Get rid of "average".

The plethora of colors made it a beauty so divine.
I had to have it.

So divine that I had to have it, peut-etre?

I was infuriated. I would’ve been bright red if it were possible.

Not to sound racist, but is she black? That sounds so odd. But you say "dark features" and I immediately assumed like, Italian or Spanish. Sorry, it's a hazard of being European, isn't it? Anyway, just make it a little clearer why she can't go bright red. Otherwise I kind of go "huh"?

“Nuh uh! Both our Mommies said cooties not real!”

Oh please. Put the verb in. Bad grammar is not endearing.

“Danny? Danny, come. Let’s go!” his mom called in her thick Caribbean accent, much like my parents. I hadn’t even heard her arrival.

Ah, cool.

Okay...

II. CHARACTERS

Well, your MC. This is all we know of her. That she got kissed when she was five and that she's a writer.

You know what I'm going to say next.

Expaaaaaaaaaaaaaand.

That's about it, really.

III. BEGINNING, MIDDLE AND END

You have a very good opening, and a very good ending. They're funny, simple and clever. It's your middle that needs work. It's like the two bits at either end have just been stuck on. The middle part, ie. the story, just doesn't seem to flow with the rest, it's not upt to the same standard. You've shown us that you're a good writer, so just tweak it a little to make it better. You can do it

IV. OVERALL

I'm sorry I don't have more to say. It was a nice little piece, short, sweet and it did the job you wrote it to do. Good job.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

-Stella x

Thanks!
I'll fix it up later