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Young Writers Society


Vyper: soulless



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12 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 12
Mon Aug 18, 2008 4:26 pm
Arekkusu says...



Vyper was now in a really bad mood. His victim had been killed by another assassin and his favourite doughnut shop had run out of Bear Claws. The good part of his life was that he was a successful assassin, in good shape and he was rich. The bad part was that he had to bypass any food before coming here. He now hadn't eaten in four days. He walked through the office of the Mafia, who had hired him, and looked at the graffiti'd slogans the more violent members of the mafia had scribbled on the wall, depicting charming messages such as "kill the Yakuza! Rip their spleens out and nail them to the wall." The Yakuza were the Mafia's enemies. They always tried to kill their members. Vyper approached an office with the words "Ross Angler" on a brass plaque on the door. He pushed it. It didn't budge. He stepped back, tensed his legs, and kicked the door down. A guard immediately pointed a gun at his head. Turning, he hit the guard and took his gun. He pointed a knife at his throat and said
"Stupid. Very Stupid." A pain in the back of his head knocked him off. He turned to see another Guard holding a crowbar and Grinning at him. Vyper Jumped up and hit him in the stomach. As the guard bent over, Vyper grabbed his ears and Sent his Knee into the Guards face. Then, Taking him by the leg, Vyper spun him round and threw him out of the shatter-proof window. The man screamed until he stopped at the bottom. The tinkling of glass carried up to where Vyper was standing. If anyone had filmed that, YouTube would have a field day. He picked up the other guard.
"Where is Ross Angler? Tell me and i won't throw you after your buddy." The poor guard pointed to a door. Vyper dropped him and marched over. He kicked it in to see a portly man sitting with a cigar and watching a T.V.
"Angler? I've completed the job. Give me the money."
"No you haven't. The man just in here killed Hawkshire."
"Damn him! What was his name? Tell me right now or i will kill you."
"If you did, one thousand armed men would burst in here and Shoot you full of white hot lead. But i can't tell you that man's real name."
"I mean his code-name."
"His code-name? His code name is Cobra."
Vyper stalked out. This meant war. Meanwhile, Angler called out "Fox?" that was his guard "We need a new door again. and where's Bennaett?" Fox whimpered and pointed out of the window.
"We need better doors and better guards." Angler Murmered to Himself, as he went to pick up Fox.
Last edited by Arekkusu on Wed Aug 20, 2008 10:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
I dont help people on work. Then, if it sucks, i don't get blamed. Haha people. Haha
  





User avatar
12 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 12
Mon Aug 18, 2008 6:40 pm
Arekkusu says...



comment please
I dont help people on work. Then, if it sucks, i don't get blamed. Haha people. Haha
  





User avatar
25 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 25
Tue Aug 19, 2008 9:03 pm
Cobra says...



This has some future potential but there are a few points that need to be sorted out first. For example, why would an assassin let someone live when it would be easier to just kill them? Also, some of the humour seems a bit forced to me. And sometimes you've added capitals where there don't need to be. "and Sent his Knee into the Guard's face." Just work on those and you'll do fine! Good luck!

-Cobra
The corpses are piled high around. Blood carpets the floor and flames scorch away the last remnants of humanity. The screams of the damned echo in my head. I smile. I am home.
  








If I'm going to burn, it might as well be bright.
— Frank Zhang