Young Writers Society

Top Secret Cobra: Half-Human

(As always, comments and constructive criticism are welcomed)

Ok, just so you know, this is set years after the other two extracts, when humanity started using a new kind of radiation called Belphazi in nuclear weapons. This radioactive material has had a strange effect on insects and the dead. Many insects have mutated until they are human sized, and the dead have risen from their graves, their festering hearts pulsing to the beat of life once more. However, if the brain or heart is destroyed, the zombie will die again, this time for good. The radiation only gives the zombies a limited time of reanimation before they collapse again, but it is spreading further and further, bringing the dead to life. A bite or scratch from them will pass on the radiation, infecting that person. In this case, the Infected seem to live longer than the reanimated corpses, and have more energy. Scientists believe that these living Infected could last for up to a decade before the radiation burnt out the host body. Humanity's ever-dwindling territory and population can last for little longer on its own, and even Werewolves and Sinefesh are susceptible to it, although with their enhanced abilities and metabolism made them harder to infect. So, despite their mutual dislike of humanity and abject hatred for each other, both races have joined the fight. Cobra has given up his career as an assassin, because if humanity goes down, he's out of a job! Enlisting in the army, his skills and werewolf powers have taken him to the rank of colonel. Commanding a squad of fifty, the former assassin must fight against the oncoming horde of foes in a desperate bid to ensure humanity's - and his own - survival...

The ant advanced steadily towards Cobra. It's highly armoured exoskeleton gleamed in the watery sunlight and its serrated jaws clacked together hungrily. The giant insect's massive eyes studied him intently, assessing his defences. Cobra stared back, a pistol in his hand. He moved forward cautiously to meet his opponent. Ten metres away from the insect, and he still didn't fire. Eight. Six. Four. At two metres away from Cobra, the ant charged. Its jaws opened wide to cut him in two, but the agile soldier was already moving. He dropped his gun and leapt into the air, over the giant insect, and landed on its head. It bucked and writhed, trying to shake off its unwanted rider. Cobra gritted his teeth, gripped its antennae and pulled as hard as he could. The two appendages were ripped out of the ant's head. The former assassin dropped something into one of the holes he had just made and threw himself away. For a moment, nothing happened, and Cobra wondered if his plan had worked. But then the massive insect's eyes began to glow, and that glow spread through its exoskeleton. It collapsed, burning in the mud. Cobra heaved a sigh of relief and pulled another molotov cocktail from his belt. He had just fought a king of the nest, whose exoskeletons were highly resistant to fire. They had to be burned from the inside out, or shot through the eyes, but the latter method was very difficult as only rifle shots and shotgun shells could get through. Cobra looked at the ant army, which was milling about in confusion, their leader dead. He glanced around the battlefield. Bees, wasps, flies and hornets attacked from the air, seizing and killing unwary soldiers. But the humans were fighting back. Cobra watched as a squadron of Goshawk X-150s soared towards them, firing incendiary bullets into their massed ranks. Heavier Lapwing G-40s followed on behind, dropping bombs into the thronging, fighting mass of insects. Cobra watched impassively as a loudly buzzing fly swooped down on a soldier, lifted him into the air, pierced him with its spiky legs and guzzled down his eyes. Cobra's head snapped around in time to see a grotesquely bloated hornet charge at a Lapwing's windshield. The shield shattered and the hornet entered the cabin. The scream was abruptly cut off and the plane crashed, exploding into a fireball. Another scream drew the werewolf's attention. One of his men was being attacked by a giant spider. Cobra cursed under his breath. The spiders were among the toughest foes to kill. In the early days, they could be destroyed by fire, but as the months went on they became immune to it. Bullets caused little damage, blades likewise. Grenades and Molotov cocktails had no effect and in essence, it was practically invulnerable. Cobra pulled out his radio. "Colonel Sickle to Control, put me through to Ion base one!"
"Patching you through now..." Cobra waited as the spider drew ever closer. He yelled into the radio.
"Ion base one, I need a blast in sector 37-126! Over!" He listened for a response until a voice came over the radio. "Oh, God! We're being overrun! We need backup now! A load of zombies-" the message cut out, to be replaced by static. Cobra tried again. "Sickle to Control, Ion base one is down! Get me to Ion base two!"
"One moment..." A crackle of static, then...
"Ion base two responding! Over!"
"Colonel Sickle here! We need an Ion blast in sector 37-126, STAT! We got a giant spider here! Over!"
"No can do, Colonel! We're tied up. Try and hold it off! An Ion blast will be sent ASAP! Over!"
"What about sonic cannon? Over!"
"They're all being used too! Over!"
"Dammit! Sickle out!"
Cobra was worried. Ion and Sonic cannons were the only weapons which could effectively kill the spiders. None was available for use. Well, he would just have to do the best he could. He concentrated on the vision of a wolf and felt his bones crack and meld into new shapes. There was little pain, but the change was different each time. His teeth loosened in his mouth, then came out of the gums completely. He spat them out, along with a mouthful of blood, feeling new fangs grow in their place. His jaw lengthened into a wolfen jaw. A member of his squad noticed that something wasn't right.
"Sir? Sir, are you okay?" Cobra's head snapped up. He was halfway through the change and his eyes, while still human, glowed yellow. The soldier whimpered and fled for his life. Cobra grinned evilly. Ever since that werewolf had finally hunted him down and turned him, he had been able to change. He had become a lot stronger too, an equal of the Sinefesh he had once been helpless against. He howled and ripped off his shin to reveal fur. The assassin grew until he was much taller than any human, his army uniform tearing to shreds. His fingernails hardened and grew into claws. His transformation was complete. He now stood upright at three metres tall, with a massive wolf's head on a humanoid body which was muscular and covered in fur. His hands were essentially human but, like the rest of his body fur-covered and tipped with sharp claws at the end. His feet were huge and lupine, and the claws there were even larger than those on his hands. He took a step towards the giant spider, still only half its size. But he was big enough to give it pause. It turned towards this new foe and darted in to bite the assassin. He seized its glistening fangs and held them apart. Its smaller teeth gnashed at him but he was out of their range. Unfazed, the beast that had been Cobra heaved at one of the fangs. The spider resisted, but the werewolf had the power to tear buildings from their foundations with ease. The spider had no chance. One fang was torn from its mouth and tossed aside. It gave a high-pitched squeal and pulled away. Cobra bared his teeth at it in a direct challenge. The spider hissed, waiting for the fang to regrow. Once it had, the giant arachnid charged head-on at Cobra. The werewolf's blood-lust grew stronger, the human and wolf minds working as one. Cobra charged too, and the two behemoths met in the middle. A claw opened Cobra's side but he hardly faltered, just struck for its eyes, ripping three out. It attacked with six limbs at once, standing on two. Cobra ducked the first two, blocked the third and fourth, cut off the fifth but the sixth speared him straight through his stomach. The beast howled in agony and started tearing off its limbs in a wild frenzy. It tried desperately to defend itself, but was no match for the enraged werewolf. Finally, it managed to limp away on its two remaining limbs. Cobra dragged the severed leg out of his abdomen with a grunt. He was breathing harshly. But the limb hadn't hit his heart. If it had, that would have been the end of him. As it was, the wound would take maybe a minute to heal. Cobra's eyes flicked up. He had a job to finish. The spider's shattered body was still moving. It would only take one blow to finish it. Cobra strode over and raised a massive, clawed hand. He swung downwards, but before he could strike, a blast struck him in the back. He howled as he was thrown through the air, to land several metres away from his prey. The Ion blast! He had completely forgotten about it! A loud hissing filled the air and he saw a gas descending on the spider. The assassin's eyes widened. That was Belphazi radiation! He watched it cover the spider as the last of his injuries healed. For a moment, all seemed still. The two battling sides were frozen in time. Then the spider reared up out of the smoke, its limbs regrown. It was bigger than ever, nearly twenty-five metres tall. Cobra took an uneasy step towards it. Even the arrogant assassin was unsure of his ability to kill such a massive beast. He needed help. His eyes glowed brighter than ever as he used his wolfen ability to communicate telepathically. Almost instantly after his call, someone stepped up beside him. A tall figure with flames for eyes.
"Cobra." said Kraw.
"Kraw." the assassin replied with his mind, being incapable of speech. It was their customary greeting. Once, years ago, he and Kraw had been the greatest of foes. Now, in the war, they were firm allies, each recognising and respecting the other's power.
"Need some help with that?" asked the Sinefesh, pointing at the spider.
"Yes."
"Very well." The Sinefesh concentrated and began his own transformation. His skin turned black and his face twisted until it seemed demonic. His teeth and fingernails grew into fangs and claws. He grew even bigger that Cobra, until he was three and a half metres tall. His own uniform - sergeant's tore, revealing long black wings that unfurled to their complete length - seven metres across.
He shot into the air, flying above the battlefield and swatting insects out of his way. Those he struck tumbled from the air, twitching. Cobra ran beneath, dodging enemies. The Sinefesh got there moments before him and breathed fire over the abomination. It screeched in pain and reared up to attack Kraw, giving Cobra an opening. The werewolf raced forwards and leapt up, landing on the creature's head. All the other insects were clustering around to protect their leader, dying in their dozens as Sonic and Ion cannons fired at it. The monstrosity took the blasts without blinking - it was too big for those to hurt it now. Cobra bit hard into one of its main eyes and it recoiled. He slashed the other and it lunged at him with a spike-tipped leg. Cobra dodged and the spike drove into the spider's head. But it still wasn't dead. It opened its jaws and drove both fangs into Cobra's chest.
Inside his head, he screamed. But outwardly, he continued fighting. The human part of him had fallen back, blinded by the pain, but his lupine self drove the leg further into its head until it was driven into the spider's brain.
Kraw! I need a fire blast on that leg now! he cried in his mind.
On it. The Sinefesh replied. Cobra dragged the fangs out of his body and threw himself away. His vision was blurring, but he saw a bright light flare up, heard the beast's shriek, smelled the charred flesh... He hit the floor hard. His vision was starting to fade. He could feel his form changing as he morphed back to human shape. Another shape knelt above him. He knew instinctively that it was Kraw.
"What do you want first, good news or bad?"
"There's more bad news?"
"There's always more bad news ."
"I don't want to hear it."
"You need to. The good news is that we killed the giant spider."
"And the bad?" Kraw sighed.
"We didn't beat them, Cobra. They're still coming."
Cobra had no more strength. He could feel the icy poison rushing through him. His heart filled with ice.
His sight dimmed at the edges, then blackness engulfed him.

Okay, first off, if I hadn't been so desperate to read it, I probably wouldn't have. You need to break up the paragraphs. It looks very intimidating to the readers.

Grammar....Well I didn't see any major grammar mistakes, but then again, I don't particularly look for them.

At the beginning where you have the piece of information, don't just throw it out there, If the reader doesn't know whats going on then explain it as you go along or make it an extract from the newspaper or a storybook.

So are these extracts just different chapteres of the book. Is this book finished and you only need certain chapters critiqued? Just curious.

Good story line. I think that this story has a lot of poteintial. Good luck and keep writing. PM me when you post more. I enjoyed this.

No, I haven't finished the book, and I'm just putting in the occasional extract from different sections to see what people think overall.

Top Secret Cobra: Half-Human

(As always, comments and constructive criticism are welcomed)

Ok, just so you know, this is set years after the other two extracts, when humanity started using a new kind of radiation called Belphazi in nuclear weapons. This radioactive material has had a strange effect on insects and the dead. Many insects have mutated until they are human sized, and the dead have risen from their graves, their festering hearts pulsing to the beat of life once more. However, if the brain or heart is destroyed, the zombie will die again, this time for good. The radiation only gives the zombies a limited time of reanimation before they collapse again, but it is spreading further and further, bringing the dead to life. A bite or scratch from them will pass on the radiation, infecting that person. In this case, the Infected seem to live longer than the reanimated corpses, and have more energy. Scientists believe that these living Infected could last for up to a decade before the radiation burnt out the host body. Humanity's ever-dwindling territory and population can last for little longer on its own, and even Werewolves and Sinefesh are susceptible to it, although with their enhanced abilities and metabolism made them harder to infect. So, despite their mutual dislike of humanity and abject hatred for each other, both races have joined the fight. Cobra has given up his career as an assassin, because if humanity goes down, he's out of a job! Enlisting in the army, his skills and werewolf powers have taken him to the rank of colonel. Commanding a squad of fifty, the former assassin must fight against the oncoming horde of foes in a desperate bid to ensure humanity's - and his own - survival... [As interesting as this is, it's too chunky and much too large for a preface. I'd suggest cutting it right down to the bare minimum facts, probably: 'For those who have read the other extracts, this one occurs many (or several?) years later. In that time, a new type of nuclear radiation known as Belphazi has caused insects to mutate and the dead have risen from their graves. Humans, Werewolves and Sinefesh have all banded together and Cobra has relinquished his career as an assassin and is currently the colonel for a squad of fifty.']

The ant advanced steadily towards Cobra, [s]. It's[/s] its highly armoured exoskeleton [s]gleamed[/s] gleaming in the watery sunlight as [s]and[/s] its serrated jaws clacked together hungrily. The giant insect's massive eyes studied him intently, assessing his defences. Cobra stared back, a pistol in his hand. He moved forward cautiously to meet his opponent. Ten metres away from the insect, and he still didn't fire. Eight. Six. Four. At two metres away from Cobra, the ant charged. Its jaws opened wide to cut him in two, but the agile soldier was already moving. He dropped his gun and leapt into the air, over the giant insect, and landed on its head. It bucked and writhed, trying to shake off its unwanted rider. Cobra gritted his teeth, gripped its antennae and pulled as hard as he could. [Start a new paragraph here. The ones you currently have are much too long and bulky.] The two appendages were ripped out of the ant's head. The former assassin dropped something [Be more visual than that, describe what it looks like. A small red ball? A piece of blue metal? Help your reader visualise this completely.] into one of the holes he had just made and threw himself away. For a moment, nothing happened, and Cobra wondered if his plan had worked. But then the massive insect's eyes began to glow, and that glow spread through its exoskeleton. It collapsed, burning in the mud. Cobra heaved a sigh of relief and pulled another molotov cocktail from his belt. [s]He had just fought a king of the nest, whose exoskeletons were highly resistant to fire. They had to be burned from the inside out, or shot through the eyes, but the latter method was very difficult as only rifle shots and shotgun shells could get through. [/s][This section is all telling and unnecessary. You can show it either earlier or later in the story, feeding your readers the information gradually.] Cobra looked at the ant army, which was milling about in confusion, their leader dead. He glanced around the battlefield. Bees, wasps, flies and hornets attacked from the air, seizing and killing unwary soldiers. But the humans were fighting back. [I’d suggest a new paragraph here.] Cobra watched as a squadron of Goshawk X-150’s soared towards them, firing incendiary bullets into their massed ranks. Heavier Lapwing G-40s followed on behind, dropping bombs into the thronging, fighting [s]mass[/s] swarm [Just for the sake of avoiding repetition.] of insects.[s]Cobra[/s]He [You use Cobra too often here.] watched impassively as a loudly buzzing fly swooped down on a soldier, lifted him into the air, pierced him with its spiky legs and guzzled down his eyes. Cobra's head snapped around in time to see a grotesquely bloated hornet charge at a Lapwing's windshield. The shield shattered and the hornet entered the cabin. The scream was abruptly cut off and the plane crashed, exploding into a fireball. Another scream drew the werewolf's attention. One of his men was being attacked by a giant spider. Cobra cursed under his breath. [Maybe a colon here instead of the full stop?] The spiders were among the toughest foes to kill. In the early days, they could be destroyed by fire, but as the months went on they became immune to it. Bullets caused little damage, blades likewise. Grenades and Molotov cocktails had no effect and in essence, [s]it was[/s] they were practically invulnerable. Cobra pulled out his radio. "Colonel Sickle to Control, put me through to Ion base one!"

"Patching you through now..." Cobra waited as the spider drew ever closer. He yelled into the radio.

"Ion base one, I need a blast in sector 37-126! Over!" He listened for a response until a voice came over the radio. "Oh, God! We're being overrun! We need backup now! A load of zombies-" the message cut out, to be replaced by static. Cobra tried again. "Sickle to Control, Ion base one is down! Get me to Ion base two!"

"One moment..." A crackle of static, then...

"Ion base two responding! Over!"

"Colonel Sickle here! We need an Ion blast in sector 37-126, STAT! We got a giant spider here! Over!"

"No can do, Colonel! We're tied up. Try and hold it off! An Ion blast will be sent ASAP! Over!"

"What about sonic cannon? Over!"

"They're all being used too! Over!"

"Dammit! Sickle out!"

Cobra was worried. Ion and Sonic cannons were the only weapons which could effectively kill the spiders. [s]None was available for use.[/s] [So your reader has already been told. Don’t tell them again.] Well, he would just have to do the best he could. He concentrated on the vision of a wolf and felt his bones crack and meld into new shapes. There was little pain, but the change was different each time. His teeth loosened in his mouth, then came out of the gums completely. He spat them out, along with a mouthful of blood, feeling new fangs grow in their place. His jaw lengthened into a wolfen jaw. A member of his squad noticed that something wasn't right.

"Sir? Sir, are you okay?" Cobra's head snapped up. He was halfway through the change and his eyes, while still human, glowed yellow. The soldier whimpered and fled for his life. Cobra grinned evilly. Ever since that werewolf had finally hunted him down and turned him, he had been able to change. He had become a lot stronger too, an equal of the Sinefesh he had once been helpless against. He howled and ripped off his [s]shin[/s] skin to reveal fur. The assassin grew until he was much taller than any human, his army uniform tearing to shreds. His fingernails hardened and grew into claws. His transformation was complete. He now stood upright at three metres tall, with a massive wolf's head on a humanoid body which was muscular and covered in fur. His hands were essentially human but, like the rest of his body fur-covered and tipped with sharp claws [s]at the end[/s]. His feet were huge and lupine, and the claws there were even larger than those on his hands. [I’d suggest a new paragraph here and then start the next with ‘Cobra took...’] He took a step towards the giant spider, still only half its size. But he was big enough to give it pause. It turned towards this new foe and darted in to bite the assassin. He seized its glistening fangs and held them apart. Its smaller teeth gnashed at him but he was out of their range. Unfazed, the beast that had been Cobra heaved at one of the fangs. The spider resisted, but the werewolf had the power to tear buildings from their foundations with ease. The spider had no chance. One fang was torn from its mouth and tossed aside. It gave a high-pitched squeal and pulled away. Cobra bared his teeth at it in a direct challenge. The spider hissed, waiting for the fang to regrow. Once it had, the giant arachnid charged head-on at Cobra. [But isn’t Cobra still holding it by the other fang? You need to make that a little clearer I think.] [New paragraph about here.] The werewolf's blood-lust grew stronger, the human and wolf minds working as one. Cobra charged too, and the two behemoths met in the middle. A claw opened Cobra's side but he hardly faltered, just struck for its eyes, ripping three out. It attacked with six limbs at once, standing on two. Cobra ducked the first two, blocked the third and fourth, cut off the fifth but the sixth speared him straight through his stomach. The beast howled in agony and started tearing off its limbs in a wild frenzy. It tried desperately to defend itself, but was no match for the enraged werewolf. Finally, it managed to limp away on its two remaining limbs. Cobra dragged the severed leg out of his abdomen with a grunt. He was breathing harshly. But the limb hadn't hit his heart. [s]If it had, that would have been the end of him[/s] [I‘s suggest a new paragraph here and starting the next with ‘The wound would...’]. As it was, the wound would take maybe a minute to heal. Cobra's eyes flicked up. He had a job to finish. The spider's shattered body was still moving[s].[/s]: It would [s]only[/s] take one final blow to finish it. Cobra strode over and raised a massive, clawed hand. He swung downwards, but before he could strike, a blast struck him in the back. He howled as he was thrown through the air, to land several metres away from his prey. The Ion blast! He had completely forgotten about it! A loud hissing filled the air and he saw a gas descending on the spider. The assassin's eyes widened. That was Belphazi radiation! He watched it cover the spider as the last of his injuries healed. For a moment, all seemed still. The two battling sides were frozen in time. Then the spider reared up out of the smoke, its limbs regrown. It was bigger than ever, nearly twenty-five metres tall. Cobra took an uneasy step towards it. Even the arrogant assassin was unsure of his ability to kill such a massive beast. He needed help. His eyes glowed brighter than ever as he used his wolfen ability to communicate telepathically. Almost instantly after his call, someone stepped up beside him. A tall figure with flames for eyes.

"Cobra. [Comma instead of full stop.]" said Kraw.

"Kraw. [Comma instead of full stop.]" the assassin replied with his mind, being incapable of speech. It was their customary greeting. Once, years ago, he and Kraw had been the greatest of foes. Now, in the war, they were firm allies, each recognising and respecting the other's power.

"Need some help with that?" asked the Sinefesh, pointing at the spider.

"Yes."

"Very well." The Sinefesh concentrated and began his own transformation. His skin turned black and his face twisted until it seemed demonic. His teeth and fingernails grew into fangs and claws. He grew even bigger that Cobra, until he was three and a half metres tall. His own uniform - a sergeant's - [Though actually, brackets might work better than dashes here.] tore, revealing long black wings that unfurled to their complete length - seven metres across.

He shot into the air, flying above the battlefield and swatting insects out of his way. Those he struck tumbled from the air, twitching. Cobra ran beneath, dodging enemies. The Sinefesh got there moments before him and breathed fire over the abomination. It screeched in pain and reared up to attack Kraw, giving Cobra an opening. The werewolf raced forwards and leapt up, landing on the creature's head. All the other insects were clustering around to protect their leader, dying in their dozens as Sonic and Ion cannons fired at it. The monstrosity took the blasts without blinking - it was too big for those to hurt it now. Cobra bit hard into one of its main eyes and it recoiled. He slashed the other and it lunged at him with a spike-tipped leg. Cobra dodged and the spike drove into the spider's head. But it still wasn't dead. It opened its jaws and drove both fangs into Cobra's chest.

Inside his head, he screamed. But outwardly, he continued fighting. The human part of him had fallen back, blinded by the pain, but his lupine self drove the leg further into its head until it was driven into the spider's brain.

Kraw! I need a fire blast on that leg now! he cried in his mind.

On it. [Comma instead of full stop and small t for the.] The Sinefesh replied. Cobra dragged the fangs out of his body and threw himself away. [Maybe pulled himself away or launched himself away would read more smoothly?] His vision was blurring, but he saw a bright light flare up, heard the beast's shriek, smelled the charred flesh... He hit the floor hard. His vision was starting to fade. He could feel his form changing as he morphed back to human shape. Another shape knelt above him. He knew instinctively that it was Kraw.

"What do you want first, good news or bad?"

"There's more bad news?"

"There's always more bad news ."

"I don't want to hear it." [You need dialogue tags. How do they speak these lines? Is Kraw leaning close to Cobra, his breath hot on his neck? Etc.]

"You need to. The good news is that we killed the giant spider."

"And the bad?" Kraw sighed.

"We didn't beat them, Cobra. They're still coming."

Cobra had no more strength. He could feel the icy poison rushing through him. His heart filled with ice.

His sight dimmed at the edges, then blackness engulfed him.

Okay, do you want the good news first or the bad news? Well let’s start with the bad because there’s not too much of that. You’ve got some real rotten, bulky paragraphs and you have a tendency to write Cobra did this and then Cobra did that and he kicked it and then he got kicked. There’s not enough general description to break up all the action. I understand this is a fighting scene but the atmosphere is weak: where’s the emotion? You need to describe how the sweat and blood mingle, matted together in Cobra’s hair. How the legs of the spider feel hairy and tough as old sinews, throbbing as its muscles convulse while it tries to kick him or escape. You need to take your reader further into the action and you need to make your reader want Cobra and the humans to win. This may be just an excerpt but your reader feels too distanced to really care much for the characters.

And there needs to be a wider perspective. Not just every now and then when Cobra stops to look around (which is irritably not too realistic by the way) but all the time. When he steps across the ravaged body of a human or when another insect tries to intervene. When other humans lend him a hand or the sound of their cries as they die, as they’re torn to pieces. This is a battle-field, not a one on one combat scene. Don’t let your reader forget that.

Now. The good news. I liked this. You’ve got some nice dialogue, an interesting plot and a good imagination. Some of your description of the action and monsters and the transformations is real good and I think this has got the potential to be a really gritty scene. In general you’re informative without being obviously so, slipping information into dialogue and amidst the fighting and overall, I think you’ve got a good story here. Let me know if you’ve got any questions and I’m sorry for the delay,

Heather xx